


It Takes A Village to Raise A Child (And One to Tear It Apart)

by Lavender_Tea_Petals



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Child Abuse, F/M, Is it Barson? Is it Rolivia? Is it something else??? I'm not entirely sure myself, William Lewis should basically be a warning within itself about what may or may not happen, more like angsty slow burn, set somewhere in season 19, sheila doesnt happen and neither does all that 19x13 bs, slow burn fic but not like romantic slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-04-07 03:48:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 107,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14072226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavender_Tea_Petals/pseuds/Lavender_Tea_Petals
Summary: “Mommy?”She hadn’t expected the tiny voice from the hall, clutching Eddie to his chest and rubbing his eyes, awoken from his peaceful sleep and unknowingly entering a hell she had vowed to protect him from.His eyes weren’t on her anymore, and she felt her blood turn to ice in her veins.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> To start off, thank you for choosing to read my fic! This fic is basically an AU type fic, so let me give a quick explanation. This takes place in a world where Beast's Obsession(15x20) didn't happen. Everything else happened as it did in canon. The only other two differences are that this takes place in season 19, a season 19 in which Sheila does not exist and the events of The Undiscovered Country(19x13) didn't happen.

He was always a thought that rested at the back of Olivia’s head, no matter how many times she thought she had pushed him entirely from her being he found a way to edge back into her mind. The mere mention of the man made her tense, made her take pause when she passed by the mirror in the bathroom, searching her body in the reflection as if expecting to see a fresh bruise or burn mark. Always nothing, but that little irrational fear would worm its way into her thoughts every once in a while.

Steel bars suited William Lewis well for the past 4 years. Just as he’d seemingly exited her life, Noah came into it, heaven replaced hell. She found that with time and therapy her nightmares about Lewis faded, she was able to move forward in her job; going from detective to sergeant, and then to lieutenant, something that at one point she didn’t think had been possible. She flourished with Noah at her side. It seemed to her that the universe had rewarded her for all the hardships she’d had to face to get to that point.

But she supposed life had been too good to her.

The month was May and it had been a long night with her rambunctious 4 year old. “Just one more minute mommy, _please!_ ” He’d begged and batted his big puppy eyes and she relented. It was a Friday, and she had a day off tomorrow...Oh and how she had regretted letting him have that second bowl of ice cream because now he was running around, excited and on a sugar high. It was 10:30 when she’d finally managed to get him in bed and he insisted she read the longest bedtime story he had, and then when she found him awake after that he pleaded for another and she gave him that too. By the time 11:30 rolled around he was fast asleep and she was eternally grateful, kissing his forehead and whispering a goodnight before turning off the lamp and turning on his nightlight, closing the door quietly behind her.

Her eyelids felt heavy and her muscles ached; she would take care of the dishes in the morning. It had been a long day, and an even longer week and she needed to catch up on some much needed rest. It felt like she was walking on air when she entered her bedroom and slipped into her PJs before falling into bed. She could almost bet she was asleep before her head hit the pillow.  


 

**2:43 AM**

He entered silently, giving the quietest whisper of a laugh before closing the door as silently as he opened it. It was pitch dark aside from the soft blue glow cast in from the windows. Her apartment was spacious, in a nicer part of town he noted... _She’s done well for herself._ He couldn’t say he was unimpressed, this was certainly an upgrade from where he’d met her last time.

Escaping had been a piece of cake, all of them were idiots, he should have been put in a maximum security prison. He’d had four years to meticulously plan every part of this, which was new for him. He hadn’t needed to every little detail planned out from the start, usually he got lucky. He knew this time though, there was no room for error. A little help from Bronwyn and some well-acted crocodile tears for the lovely Doctor Cole was all it took. The ruthless and terrifying William Lewis, reduced to a mess of tears before the good doctor; “ _I’m in fear for my life! That detective, she has friends everywhere, they’ve threatened me before! I’ll be dead before next year, I can’t defend myself with all these permanent injuries!”_ He’d given her a wide doe-eyed look she hadn’t been able to refuse.

So when he’d ODed with a little help from the lovely Bronwyn, he was able to play her like a fiddle. He’d timed everything almost perfectly! Almost. He hadn’t accounted for what the drugs would really do to him, he hadn’t expected the long blackouts and he was certainly surprised when the doctor told him they’d declared him dead only for his heart to start back up 10 minutes later. Once he’d recovered enough he just needed to convince the guard to pity him, to uncuff his just a moment so that he could stretch his cramped muscles...And attack, he had the element of surprise, the only good his injuries did him was make him seem weak and powerless. After four years he still had lasting issues yes but it was nothing compared to how he’d felt in the months following the initial beating. He’d waited until the shift changes came, knowing it would be so hectic no one would look twice at him. The nurse just happened to be a lovely little surprise he took full advantage of. She was completely blacked out the entire time he raped her though, which had been disappointing but nonetheless satisfied a need he had to fulfill. He didn’t want to let lust cloud his judgement! Not this time.

Finding her hadn’t been too hard, he’d given his sweet eyes to Bronwyn weeks before and laid the charm on thick; “ _I’m still upset that Detective Benson felt she had to lie. She had nothing to be ashamed of, we were together, her and I...Do you know perchance what she’s doing now? I-I’d hate to think she lost her job over this!”_

The next time he saw Bronwyn she’d spilled it to him; _“Oh no she didn’t lose her job! In fact she’s a lieutenant now...I still don’t understand why you care so much about her when she put you here.”_ Bronwyn had been jealous; she was so easy to read, an open book really. When he asked where she lived now, Bronwyn found out for him. She had been stupidly oblivious to what he was doing, how easily he had been able to manipulate her into ‘innocently’ finding out everything he wanted to know about her.

Finding Detective Benson’s apartment had been a little harder in the dark but once he did he felt that rush of adrenaline, he was excited. Shift changes at Bellevue took half an hour, maybe an hour. It would take even more time before they realized he was missing, after all he’d propped the guard up outside his room to make it look like he was sleeping. He hated being on a time constraint but he knew he had no room for error this time, looking at the clock on the cable box as soon he walked in. _2:43? Perfect!_

He’d coax her out of sleep with bumps in the night. 3 AM was the witching hour when evil came out to play and he couldn’t think of a time more fitting for their reunion.


	2. Chapter 2

**2:58 AM**

Olivia eyes snapped open when her brain had registered a noise. It was coming from the kitchen or the living room, she couldn’t be too sure which in her current state. It wasn’t uncommon for her to hear noises in the middle of the night. The ice machine in the fridge, or the heating or air kicking on or off, hell sometimes neighbors would get home at ungodly hours and she could hear it. She just...had a heightened sense when it came to hearing little noises and while it was always nothing, she still got up to check. Better safe than sorry is what she would always tell herself.

Giving a soft groan Olivia rolled out of bed, rubbing her eyes quickly to make sure she was alert, she didn’t want to accidentally trip over something that she or Noah had left out. Too many times had that ended in her almost breaking a bone. She didn’t bother putting on her robe it was warm in the apartment anyway. New York City was so finicky when it came to the weather, especially in May.. She stopped by her bedroom door, occasionally considering putting on her slippers and deciding not to bother, she didn’t want to spend precious minutes fiddling with them when she could be sleeping.

Walking out of her bedroom and down the hall to the kitchen she yawned, stretching her arms with a slight groan. Every fiber of her being screamed at her to go back to bed but that small thought at the back of her brain needed to make sure that all was right with her little world. Walking into the little kitchen she noted nothing of importance; the dirty dishes in the sink that she needed to wash, some silverware left out, nothing out of the ordinary. The one thing that did capture her attention was a light that bounced off the refrigerator caught her eye, causing her to turn and look out into the living room to see...the TV was on?   
“What the hell…?” She mumbled grouchily, she would swear up and down that she had turned the TV off before reading Noah his bedtime stories but she supposed in her exhaustion perhaps she had forgotten to turn it off. It was rare but it had happened before so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Shaking her head she went to where she usually put the remote and found it wasn’t in its usual spot either but resting haphazardly on the coffee table. Snatching it up she turned off the TV without giving it so much as a second thought leaving her in the dark. She would worry about it in the morning, when she was clear-headed.

Unfortunately in her groggy state Olivia had failed to notice the distinct outline of reflections in the TV screen casted by the blueish-white glow of the moon in the night sky. The shadows of her furniture, her shadow, and the taller shadow looming behind her.

The room went silent with the TV off and Olivia felt right in going back to bed, the TV had been what disturbed her and nothing more. Still there was a slight nagging feeling that came over her, something felt slightly off and she couldn’t quite put her finger on what. She shivered, out of the ordinary for her especially considering the warmth of the apartment, giving a soft sigh before turning around to return to bed.

 

_ Click! _

 

“Hey there sweetheart, did you miss me?” He spoke in a husky whisper, staring her down with a gleeful smirk on his face, the gun held an inch away from her forehead.

Olivia blanked, eyes widening at the sheer shock of what was going on. She couldn’t breathe, it was like a nightmare, she **prayed** it was a nightmare. It took her a few long moments to process the reality of the situation. There was a gun pointed at her, and the man holding the gun was supposed to be in prison for the rest of his natural life.

“What, nothing to say?” He teased, his tone dripping with amusement. This was starting out exactly as he had imagined it would.

Olivia inhaled sharply, finally finding it in her to breathe. She hadn’t expected that she would ever have to face her worst nightmare in the flesh ever again, yet here he was, in her home. Her initial gut reaction told her to scream and fight, but her brain refused to let her when she remembered that she wasn’t alone. This was different from the last time they crossed paths in her apartment. This time Noah was fast asleep down the hall.

“No...no” She whispered out, her voice was shaky and she couldn’t quite find words to say. She closed her eyes hoping that when she opened them he would be gone. She wished that this was a nightmare, but she hadn’t had a nightmare in such a long time, and he was...too real. This entire situation was far too real to be even the most vivid of nightmares. When she opened her eyes he was still there.

Lewis nodded, pulling the gun away from her head, “That’s a good girl. No screaming.” He whispered, holding his finger up to his lips to tell her to be quiet in the way an adult would with a child. He took one step toward her and she took one step back. He rolled his eyes, but didn’t lash out just yet. He was having too much fun with this little dance.

Before Olivia knew it he had backed her up against the bar separating the kitchen and the living area, when her back pressed into it she jumped.

“Guess that’s that.” Lewis sounded thoroughly amused until he noticed her frantically looking around. Anger seemed to flare up in him and he hissed out, “Hey! No, no, no. You run, I shoot. You’re no good to anyone dead, especially not me. But just so you know if you choose to be dumb, I won’t hesitate do you cold.” He closed in on her, pressing her against the wall as he let his free hand trail up her arm and to her shoulder. When he got to her neck she shuddered and he chuckled, suddenly grasping her face and pushing her chin upward forcing her to look him in the eyes. He wanted to get a good look at her, it had been too long since he’d seen her face to face.

“I’ve waited 4 years for this.” He crashed his lips violently against her, hearing her make an audible yelp he kissed her violently enough to bruise, not that he minded if she was a bit roughed up. A whining noise escaped through clenched teeth, as tense and tight lipped as possible. When he pulled back immediately the gun was on her again, the cold metal pressed against her forehead, “You had to know that this was coming one day. Steel bars and orange jumpsuits aren’t really my thing, and I always finish what I started by any means necessary. What do you say, you up for one last ride  _ Lieutenant _ Benson?” He said her title with such malice that she thought he might just shoot her on the spot.

“I don’t know how this is happening…” Olivia couldn’t hear herself think, hell she could barely hear anything. The words just tumbled forth from her lips without being processed by her brain first, “I don’t know how you’re here...but I know that th-they’re going to find you.” She tried her best to keep steady, to be level-headed like all of her training and past experiences taught her but that went out the window now. This situation was different, and no amount of training, nor nightmare scenarios she had gone through in her head would have prepared her for how to react in this situation.

“You’d have fled New York a long time ago if you knew how easy it was to escape Olivia- Can I call you that?” He chuckled, “I mean I think we’ve known each other long enough for us to be on a first name basis.” He sounded so amused, not a hint of fear or urgency in his voice, “I think that we’ll stay here for a little while first though. It’s a real nice place you got here, came with the pay raise I guess.” He smirked when he saw her face fall. They couldn’t stay there in the apartment, Olivia knew how dangerous that situation would be. She needed to get him out of there and she needed to get him out of there now. She knew she had to think quickly, she had to do something to get him away from her apartment, hell, as far away from her sleeping child as she possibly could.

“We don’t need to do that. This is the first place they’ll look when they figure out you escaped.” She barely squeaked out, flinching when he slammed his hand full force into the wall behind her. The sound it caused was a loud, resonating bang, her stomach dropped; so much for getting him out of there with the littlest noise as possible.

“Don’t think to tell me what I can and can’t do, do you understand me?” He growled out, his grip on the gun remained as steady as ever, making sure to push it even harder against her, just to remind her that it was there and he wouldn’t hesitate to use it. A bluff sure, he wouldn’t kill her until he got what he wanted but she didn’t need to know that.

She didn’t answer, so he leaned forward and whispered into her ear, “Answer me, Olivia. Do you  **understand** me?” He pulled back to look at her, expectant for an answer. He didn’t think she was dumb enough to stay silent, but if she was he wouldn’t hesitate to knock her around a few times to get his point across.

The more she resisted the more dangerous this situation would become. She didn’t need this to escalate so quickly, not while they were still in the apartment. Olivia opened her mouth to give him the answer he wanted but by then it was too late. A smaller, quieter voice, broke the tension first.

“Mommy?”

Olivia felt panic wash over her in an instant, her head turning to the hall to see her son standing there, clutching his little elephant Eddie to his chest, rubbing his eyes sleepily. 

Lewis was taken aback by the small voice as well, turning to look at the same time as Olivia. He thought for a second that perhaps his seizure had caused brain damage and he was hallucinating when he saw the little boy. But it couldn’t be that, not when Olivia was looking at him too. Immediately he pulled the gun away from her head and shoved it into the waistband of his pants before the boy could notice what it was. He didn’t want to frighten off this new little development, not yet anyway. 

He had been so focused on getting Olivia, making sure everything would be perfect in his head that he had failed to notice the pictures of her and the boy, nor had he noticed the toys neatly put away in a toy box in the apartment!- However he liked it almost better this way, he hadn’t expected such a  _ lovely _ surprise.

Olivia noticed she no longer held the attention of Lewis, no, his full attention was on Noah and she felt her blood turn to ice in her veins.

“Mommy?” Noah called softly, looking from her to Lewis with a confused look.

She opened her mouth to speak but Lewis beat her to the punch, “Hey there buddy.” He smiled at Noah, kneeling down to his level, hoping to win the boy over. If he was able to charm a smart woman like Dr. Cole he could certainly charm a child.

“Who’re you?” Noah asked sleepily, “I don’t know you.” He held Eddie closer to his body, he was always shy around new people.

“I’m a friend of your mommy’s, call me Lewis. What’s your name sweetheart?” Lewis spoke quietly to the boy. He knew he didn’t have to but it was always more fun to get them to trust you first.

Noah stared at him uneasily, looking at his mother for a moment. Olivia forced a slight smile, she didn’t want to scare Noah, and she certainly didn’t want to give Lewis a reason to hurt him.

“Noah.” He said softly, staring cautiously at this strange man.

“Noah,” Lewis repeated the name, testing it. He smiled lazily at him, “C’mere Noah. It’s alright, you don’t have to be afraid of me.” He glanced at Olivia, “Right Olivia?” This was turning out far better than he could have ever dreamed. She looked agonized and tortured and he hadn’t even touched her yet. The bond between a mother and her child wasn’t something he had exploited previously, he hadn’t gotten the chance with Viva and Luisa Nuñez. But this now presented an interesting opportunity for him; he had Olivia where he wanted her, and so long as he had her son it would stay that way. The thought of just how far Olivia would be willing to go to make sure her precious boy stayed safe brought a morbid pleasure. He supposed he would get to find out now.

Noah looked at his mother for her approval and she gave a slight nod, “It- It’s okay Noah.” She masked her fear, hoping that Noah would do as he said.

Noah took a few tentative footsteps into the kitchen, looking between his mother and this strange man. Something was off and he could sense it, immediately going to his mother and tugging on the leg of her pants, “Mommy can I go to bed with you?” He whined softly. He hadn’t seen her look this...well, he couldn’t put his finger on it, his mommy just seemed scared, he didn’t like to see her like this.

Olivia was about to lean down to pick him up when Lewis beat her to it, picking up Noah himself and standing, glancing at Olivia, barely able to hold back a chuckle at the pained and strangled look on her face. He kept Noah just out of her reach not that he thought she was dumb enough to try and yank him back. “Did we wake you?” he asked Noah, keeping his eyes on Olivia, “I’m sorry if we did.”

“What’s that?” Noah asked softly, tentatively touching Lewis’s scar. Suddenly he wasn’t as sleepy as he was curious. Lewis finally looked away from her to address the boy.

“That’s a scar Noah.” Oh yes, the boy’s name rolled off his tongue like it was meant to be there. He spoke to him so softly that Olivia for a split second thought that Lewis actually cared about Noah, and that perhaps he would spare him the trauma of whatever he was going to do to her. Except that she wasn’t that dumb, and if this was ANYONE but William Lewis in front of her she might have given them the benefit of the doubt, but not with him.

Noah traced the scar softly with his fingers and Lewis let him, gaze trained on Olivia the entire time, barely able to contain his gleeful expressions at her despaired ones. Once Noah was finished he pulled back before reaching out for his mother, “Mommy.” Olivia almost wept when she heard his voice, there was a slight fear in his tone, painful for her to hear. She stared at Lewis with an agonizing look in her eyes, pleading with him. She just wanted her baby boy back in her arms, he was safer in her arms!

He them linger in silence for a moment before finally relinquishing Noah to Olivia who clutched him as close to her body as she possibly could, letting out of breath of relief.

He raised an eyebrow and stared expectantly at her, as if saying:  _ See? I can be merciful too.  _ But she knew better than to believe it. She flinched when she felt him put his hand on the small of her back to move her forward. She kissed Noah’s cheek, knowing that he was still sleepy, and no matter what this situation was going to turn into she wanted to involve him as little as possible, “Come on sweetie, let me put you back in bed.”

Noah protested with a whine, “No mommy, please. I wanna stay with you.” He clung tightly to her shirt and Olivia risked a glance at Lewis with a panicked look in her eyes. She didn’t want him to hurt Noah, he had to understand that he was a child and children didn’t always cooperate! 

But the look on his face said different, he looked annoyed and impatient. His hand twitched on her back and she knew from the way his eyes were looking from her to Noah he was debating whether or not to take him away from her and deal with the boy himself. She had to do...something!

“Sweetie…” She sighed, “Tell you what, how about you lay down in mommy’s room and when mommy’s...friend leaves I’ll be right in, okay?” She said softly, tensing when she heard Lewis stifle a laugh. She walked to her room, Lewis right behind her but he stayed leaning in the doorframe. She laid Noah down in bed, kissing his forehead, and when she tried to pull away, another problem arose. Noah wouldn’t let go of her shirt.

“Mommy…” He whined, and when she shook her head she could see tears rising and his face screw up in anger and upset. Olivia’s voice was soft, but begging, “Please sweet boy...Please…”

“It’s okay sweetheart!” Lewis cut in walking over to them and prying Noah’s hands off of Olivia, “Your mommy will be right back, I promise. Be good for her ok?” He leaned down, and for a second Olivia held her breath, terrified he was going to hurt him.

She was even more dismayed to see Lewis press a kiss to Noah’s forehead, before grabbing her hand and practically dragging her out of the room.

“You and I have to have a little talk…” He mumbled, intentionally gripping her wrist with enough pressure for her to inhale sharply, but not so hard that she would cry out.

“Be good Noah.” He said before shutting the door and slamming her against the wall.

“Wow, ok.” He gave a breathy laugh, “This is too good to be true. I-I knew exactly what I wanted to do when I came here and now you’ve got me second guessing everything!” He pushed her head up so he could get a good look at her, make sure she was listening, “That’s impressive. No one’s ever been able to throw me for a loop like that before!- See, I knew that there was something special between us!” Lewis looked excited, if Olivia wasn’t so scared she probably would have thrown up. She knew she had to do something, say something, she couldn’t let Noah be dragged into this!

“...Lewis I will go with you, wherever you want, I-I will do whatever you want if-” 

He cut off her begging with a laugh, “Really?” 

She didn’t know what else to say to him, she could see that begging was not going to get her anywhere. He sounded so smug, suddenly she felt like an idiot for even thinking about begging.

“I gave you far from credit than your worth if you really I’m just gonna leave him here. He’s seen my face, when we leave here in…” He glanced at a clock, “20 minutes, he has to come with us.”

“No. No he doesn’t!” She protested, on the verge of tears.

“Of course he does. You’re smarter than that Olivia!” He really was surprised by her lack of logical thinking in this situation, “If I leave him here then what’s he going to tell pretty Miss Amanda? Hm? He’s going to tell her that a man with a scar on his face took his mommy away. I know they aren’t the brightest but even the dumbest of the lot can put two and two together. I want this to be a longer arrangement than just a few hours y’know?”

Olivia had a panicked look in her eyes, suddenly she couldn’t breath, clutching at her throat. Her breathing hitched and she shook her head. Lewis rolled his eyes, “You’re hyperventilating. If you pass out it’s gonna scare Noah and then you’re leaving me all alone with him while we wait for his mommy to wake up. Do you trust me enough to be alone with him? I’ve never dealt with little boys before.”

“L-let’s make a deal.” Olivia blurted out in a last ditch attempt to do  **something** .

“Why?” He laughed.

“Why what?” Olivia hated all these mocking questions.

“Why would I make a deal with you when you have virtually no cards to play and I’ve got a stacked deck. You don’t have any leverage, and right now you’re overstepping a very fine boundary. Begging is great and all at the right time but right now if you don’t shut up I’m going to knock you on your ass and take you right here with Noah in the other room. Is that what you want?” He had slowly devolved from amused to pissed, “Apologize, now.”

This was dangerous, HE was dangerous and Olivia knew it. He had been different four years ago, more teasing and mocking than he really was truly dangerous. She could only assume four years in prison would do that to someone...

Lewis nodded, “Alright, fine then.” He turned to the door, “Maybe Noah can apologize for you.”

“I’m sorry.” She said quietly. She wanted to keep Noah as far from the situation as possible. This wasn’t his battle to fight, it was hers.

“What was that? You’re gonna have to speak up since I’m deaf in one ear.” He asked, turning around to face her. He was winning, they both knew it.

“I’m sorry.” She said clearly.

Lewis nodded, “It’s a start. Now unfortunately we don’t have much time and we are under a new set of circumstances which means that unfortunately I can’t wreck the place. I wouldn’t want to scare Noah, not yet anyway.” He had to take a minute to think, “A blessing and a curse y’know? I have to come up with everything on the fly now. Four years of planning this moment and it’s all out the window!” He shrugged, “Oh well, I enjoy a challenge. Go pack a bag for Noah, the usually shit that kids need. After all he’s gonna have to be preoccupied when we have alone time.” He pushed Olivia along to Noah’s room.

She didn’t want to do this, she didn’t want to pack her son a bag and tell him that they were all of a sudden leaving with this man that he’s never met before. But Lewis was right, she had no cards left to play. He had gotten the leverage he needed against her, and Noah was all he really needed to keep her in check. So she packed some clothing, some toys, books, different little comforts she knew he would like. The less traumatizing she could make this situation for him the better.

“Mommy!” She heard Noah call from her room, “Mommy!” He was crying. She sighed, turning to gauge Lewis’s reaction. He just had a raised eyebrow and shook his head, “What is it now?”

“He’s just upset…” She mumbled, “Can I go to calm him down?” She asked, not wanting to try and go without saying anything for fear of retaliation. Lewis gestured forwards, walking behind her.

When she walked into the room Noah had kicked off the sheets and was hugging his knees to his chest and crying, loudly calling for her. She immediately walked over and touched his hand, “Noah, Noah what’s wrong?” She could see him attempt to respond but she couldn’t understand it through his tears. Hugging her to his chest, she glanced at Lewis who was leaning in the doorway expectantly. They were on a time constraint, after all.

It took a few minutes of her rocking him and shushing him to finally calm down. He clung to her so tightly, “Don’t leave me alone mommy.” He whined softly.

“Olivia.” Lewis said, gesturing to the door. Before she could say anything Noah’s grasp on her tightly and he shook his head, “No! She’s my mommy!” He whined, glaring at Lewis.

“Sweetie-” Olivia started, turning him to face her, “Sweetie we have to go, ok? I packed a little bag for you-”

“We’d never ever leave you behind Noah.” Lewis said offhandedly. Noah had amused him with that spirited glare, the way he clung to his her as if to protect her; he was a little spitfire just like his mother.

Noah looked at her, “I don’t want to go with him. I don’t like him.” He said blatantly. If this wasn’t such a dire situation she would have laughed. She glanced at Lewis and was surprised to see his fists clenched. She hadn’t thought a comment like that would piss him off.

Before she knew it Lewis had walked over and pulled Noah from her arms coldly, “Too bad, we all have to do things we don’t want Noah.” Noah gave a loud whine, tears in his eyes again. Lewis ignored it turning to Olivia and gesturing to her, “You have 2 minutes to get changed and that’s because I’m being generous. I’m trusting you can be a big girl and do that on your own?” He sneered before walking out of the room with Noah in tow.

Olivia knew she had a limited amount of time and carefully she took her phone off the nightstand and unlocked it. She debated for a second calling one of her squad before realizing that if she did that, the hands of cruel fate would make it so Lewis would bust into the room in the middle of a phone call. So she quickly texted Amanda, two words:  _ It’s him.  _ And she shut her phone off. She was on her own now, until they could find them. And she PRAYED they would find them.

With that done Olivia quickly threw on some clothing, a baggy sweater and some leggings and not a second after she slipped on shoes, did she hear a yelp followed by a string of curses from outside. Immediately she rushed to see what was the matter to find Lewis clutching his left hand and Noah in a corner, breathing heavily with tears streaming down his face.

“What happened?” She asked tentatively, right before Lewis practically launched Noah’s shoes and jacket at her and getting up to brush by, “Get those on him, now.” He was still being slightly civil for the sake of keeping Noah from having a tantrum, but it was obvious to Olivia that he was pissed. She didn’t ask anymore after that, stepping forward and putting on Noah’s shoes before slipping on his jacket, “Oh Noah…” She was on the verge of tears when Lewis grabbed her arm, “A minute please.” He tucked her into the hall and when he thought that Noah was out of eyesight and earshot he slapped Olivia across the face, it stung but she knew how to take a hit, “You need to teach your son some manners if this is going to work between us because the next time he _ bites _ me I’m not going to hesitate to backhand him. I was nice the first time, and I really didn’t have to be. I won’t be so forgiving the second. Understood?”

“Yes, I just…” She sighed shakily, “He doesn’t know you, he’s just scared…” She knew that Noah could tell that Lewis wasn’t a good man, he always had this ability to read people.

“Well he’s going to have to get over that fast.” Lewis pulled the gun out, pressing it against her cheek, “We’re going to have play a little game. Call it a game of house. You’re the mommy, and I’m the daddy.” He smirked, holding back a chuckle at the look of disgust that came across her face, “And Noah is our baby. You are going to be the perfect little wife, you will make no attempt to escape or fight me, not when Noah is around. The minute he realizes I’m the bad guy is the minute that I can’t guarantee his safety anymore.” He pulled the gun away from her cheek, again kissing her roughly. This kiss was short though, luckily for her, before he tugged her forward by her wrist and entered the living room, making sure to conceal the gun again, “It’s time to go.”

Olivia looked around her apartment and swallowed down a sob. Unless her squad moved quickly this could very well be the last time she would see it. Her home, where she had felt so safe, with her son who’d known no other home than that...She felt a pit form in her stomach, shakily sighing. Lewis noticed it, wrapping an arm around her and whispering, “Go get Noah before you have a melt down.” He shoved her forward and she stumbled but caught herself before she knelt down beside her son.

“Noah sweetie, we have to go…” She was soft with him, unsure of how he would react.

“Why?” He asked softly, tears sparkling in his eyes, but got up and walked to his mother, hugging her leg, “I’m scared…” He said softly.

“It’s gonna be okay baby…” Olivia knelt down and hugged Noah tightly, kissing his forehead, lingering for longer than Lewis would have liked because by the time she had let go he had Noah’s bag in one hand and was reaching to take one of Noah’s hands into his.

Noah snatched his hand away and she heard a frustrated growl catch in Lewis’s throat. She took Noah’s hand and walked to the door. This didn’t need to be any more challenging than it already had been. Lewis walked behind, knowing that Olivia wasn’t dumb enough to try and run, not with her baby boy in tow. No, she wouldn’t do that, he had her exactly where he wanted her.

“I need Noah’s carseat.” She said softly, huffing angrily when Lewis produced her car keys from his pocket, “Where’s your car?” He asked, and she led him to it. Noah’s small hand suddenly tightened its grip around hers in anxiety. She could see that he was ready to pitch a fit, so she was quick to pick him up and hold him close to her chest, “Ssh…It’s gonna be alright baby boy.” She didn’t like lying to her son, but she didn’t want him to be scared either, he didn’t deserve to be scared. Hell, he didn’t even deserve to be there, in that situation. She heard Lewis let out a string of expletives attempting to get the car seat out and she sighed walking over expectantly. He held out his arms and raised an eyebrow, “Give him here, you get it out.”

Noah clung tighter to her, but she pried him off, “It’s just for a second sweetie.” Reluctantly she handed him to Lewis who held him close, much to Noah’s dismay, giving a soft whine. Lewis rolled his eyes, playing absentmindedly with one of Noah’s curls.

What Lewis couldn’t do, Olivia could. She had the seat out in less than 2 minutes, turning to face him. Again he gestured forwards, pulling Noah a little closer. She wasn’t getting him back just yet. He thoroughly enjoyed seeing her squirm.

He still had the nurse’s car, he was going to have to ditch that soon eventually. Once they realized he was gone the clock started ticking, he knew he didn’t have much time left. He watched her put the seat in before reluctantly handing Noah to her, “Get his strapped in, and hurry up. We have to go.”

“What, you scared?” Olivia sneered slightly, a sudden burst of courage coming over her, enough that it made her snap back like that at him. She was surprised with herself and the look on Lewis’s face said that he was a little surprised too, before he grinned, “I’m gonna make you regret that comment.” 

Olivia gulped slightly, kissing Noah on the head before closing the door, “Are you going to force me into the trunk this time?” Well she figured she might as well get it all out now.

“If I did that then little Noah would be scared and I don’t want that. But if you want to act high and mighty all of a sudden then maybe I should.” He grabbed her wrist, “Don’t forget that I control what he sees and what he doesn’t, what happens to him and what doesn’t. There is no God in the world that can save you. I’m his God now, I’m YOUR God.” He had an almost crazed, lust filled look in his eyes, it made her heart sink. He pressed himself up against her again, putting a hand under her chin and pushed her head up to look at him, “If I were you I would do as I say. Or do you want to subject Noah to the trauma of watching his mother get raped?”

Olivia didn’t know what triggered it, whether it was the way he said it, or the thought of it, or the mere image of that in her head that made her gag and cough for a minute. Lewis chuckled, opening the door to the passenger side and forcing her inside the car, taking his time to make his way to the drivers side.

“Mommy…?” Noah asked softly from the backseat.

“Yes baby?” She asked, regaining control of herself and turning to look at him.

“Is he gonna hurt you?” He asked softly. So innocent, his eyes held concern for his mother.

Before Olivia got the chance to answer Lewis got into the car, quickly starting it up and glancing in the mirror, “Try and get some rest Noah, it’s gonna be a long drive.” He barely regarded the boy, putting his hand on Olivia’s shoulder to turn her around, “Let him sleep.” He said quietly, “He’s gonna need it.” Olivia reluctantly turned away from her son and dared to sneak a glance at the clock.

 

**3:42 AM**

Olivia sighed softly, turning to look out the window. It took him 4 days to suppress her will to fight last time, this time it took all of 40 minutes. There shouldn’t have been of this time at all. Rafael had assured her that he was going away for life, that it was all over and she wouldn’t have to worry about him ever again. Everyone had told her that she wouldn’t have to spare a thought for him ever again.

But nobody knew him like she did. 

Olivia could see twilight approaching, she wondered if Amanda had seen her text yet but she doubted it. She wa sure that Amanda was sleeping, 2 year olds were hard to take care of, especially by yourself, she knew that. She probably should have texted someone else but she knew that Amanda would understand the text. She was the only one who would understand what it meant, and she had to trust that Amanda would see it in time. It was out of her hands now.

The car was quiet, she would have thought that Lewis would have the radio going but then she remembered Noah in the backseat. A small comfort she supposed, as Noah drifted off into sleep 10 minutes into their drive. They drove on streets that were quiet, eerily so for New York City. Unfortunately so for her, in her current predicament.

Lewis waited until Noah was asleep to talk to Olivia again, “Are you having flashbacks over there?” He teased, she rolled her eyes and bit her tongue, holding back an insult she was sure would get her in more trouble.

“Oh come on Olivia, it’s perfect normal you know that, nothing to be ashamed of.” He was taunting and baiting her at every turn and she wasn’t going to give in because if she yelled and screamed at him in front of Noah suddenly SHE was the bad guy. She just ignored him, trying to block him out.

But she couldn’t, and his words echoed in her head and she felt something bubbling up inside of her. Olivia took a deep shaky breath, her face burned, her vision got cloudy and she shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat, hoping to God he wouldn’t notice that she-

“Are you crying?” They were at a stop light and Lewis had turned to look at her, a stupid grin on his face.

“No.” Olivia’s voice betrayed her as she quickly wiped at her eyes, sinking down into her seat, she didn’t know what was going on with her. One second she was fine and the next second she wanted nothing more than to violently sob.

He held back a laugh and shook his head, continuing with his driving. He had expected her to be upset, panicky even, but to see her cry? Now that was a real treat. The unbreakable Olivia Benson crying like a terrified victim. He decided not to say anything, but listened carefully to her heavy shaky breathing as she tried to coax herself out whatever state he had put her in. It was pure heaven for him, during their first time together she barely cried, but now she seemed to be completely shattering and he hadn’t even touched her yet.

Olivia was disgusted by the feeling of tears streaming down her face, she hated that big lump that sat in her throat. She whimpered slightly, running her hands through her hair. She was angry at herself for crying, she was giving him exactly what he wanted and she knew better than that.

Lewis glanced into the back seat to make sure Noah was still asleep before grabbed Olivia by the arm and yanking her closer to him, “Let me see your face Olivia.” He chimed in almost a sing-songy tone. She sniffled and shook her head, shoving his arm off of her. He yanked her right back, his grip harder this time, “I said, let me get a good look at you. Now, before I backhand you and really give you something to cry about.” While her defiance was usually a turn on it sometimes got him annoyed. He liked a good fight, that’s why it took him 4 days to get as close as he did to raping her during their first encounter. But he did expect her to comply with his demands, after all he was the one in charge.

Olivia swallowed down a sob that threatened to escape and turned to look at him, his face was distorted and fuzzy from her tears. He just stared at her, saying nothing, and that was somehow worse to her. Bad enough that she rested her face into her hands, breathing shakily. Slowly he let go of her arm and turned back to the road, “Calm down.” He sounded slightly annoyed to her, “I haven’t done anything yet and you’re already crying, I thought you were a little stronger than that. Where’d all that fire go? You lose it when I practically nailed you to the wall for lying on the stand?” Oh yes, Olivia could detect a bitterness behind those last words.

So that was what this was about? She had lied about the beating and he held that against her!? “Is that what this is all about?” She asked in a hushed voice, wiping away her tears, “This is all because I-I lied?!”

Lewis couldn’t hold back a laugh, giving her a side glance, “Well sweetheart you had to figure that lying about beating the shit out of me wasn’t something that I’d be happy about.” He shook his head, “That’s only part of it y’know? I’m sure you and your merry little band of idiots profiled me, or whatever the hell you wanna call it. I mean you had to know that I would never let you go.” He took one of his hands off the wheel and set it on her leg, suppressing a laugh when she tensed up, “To be quite honest Olivia, I’m obsessed with you. I never met a woman who had as strong a will as you did. From the first time I saw you in the interrogation room I knew you were...different, special.” He gestured to Noah, “You bounced back; you have a son, you’re a lieutenant. You go about your day to day life as if I never even existed in it. It makes me sick. Why should you get to act like nothing happened to you while you leave me to rot behind steel bars? I had to rectify the situation, get even if you will.” He stopped talking giving her a chance to process everything he said. He wondered if she could even understand it with the state she was in at the current moment. Panicked, upset, worried, he let it feed him.

“This time you won’t be so lucky Olivia.”

Olivia closed her eyes and said nothing. He was right, she had to resign herself to a situation that wouldn’t end as well as the last time. Unless by some miracle she and Noah were able to get away from him before they arrive at...wherever he was taking them, to do God only knows what, then he would win this time. He would have his way with her and she wouldn’t be able to fight for fear of Noah getting hurt. After what felt like an agonizingly long amount of time Lewis removed his hand from her leg, and said nothing. She wanted nothing more than to succumb to sleep, she was so tired. Her initial adrenaline was wearing off, she felt weak and sleepy but she knew she had to watch where they were going, if she could perhaps to get to a phone somehow and tell her team where they were they could have a chance!-

She couldn’t it help though. If she could just rest her eyes for a few seconds she would feel better...Yes, that’s what she would do...just a few seconds.


	3. Chapter 3

**4:30AM**

Lewis checked the time, noticing that at some point Olivia had passed out in the passenger seat, her head leaned against the window. Whether it was from actual exhaustion or panic he wasn’t too sure, not that it mattered. He’d let her have this little reprieve and while both of his hostages were asleep he decided this was an opportune moment to check on the status of things in the city. He pulled off and onto a deserted road just outside of Manhattan and turned the radio on quietly, flipping through stations to see if there were any emergency news bulletins to notify the public of his escape. This was cut short however when he heard a sharp inhale in the backseat and the sound of a coat rustling with movement, turning to see Noah slowly waking up.

“...Ma-” Noah started to whine before Lewis turned around and shushed him. Now was a perfect opportunity to get to talk the boy without the interference of his mother. He turned off the car, getting into the backseat and taking the keys with him, he wasn’t going to risk Olivia waking up to do something to get them all killed.

“Hey there buddy...shh shh…” Lewis cooed at Noah, leaning close to him as the boy looked around slowly becoming aware of his surroundings, “We gotta be quiet because your mom is resting.” Noah whined, pushing Lewis away from him in a fussy way, on the verge of tears. Lewis just rolled his eyes, this was probably typical behavior for a kid, not that he would know. It wasn’t as if he would listen to the nonverbal cues the boy gave, that he didn’t want him anywhere near, William Lewis did as he wanted and it frankly didn’t matter what anyone else wanted. He unstrapped Noah and tugged him into his lap, “Hey, hey. Noah you need to behave ok?”

Noah shook his head, pushing on Lewis’s chest to keep distance between them, “No…” He said softly.

“Tell me what’s wrong. Why are you scared?” He taunted softly, knowing full well why the boy was terrified of him. He was trying however, to talk to the boy, and he was being  **nice** about it for once, at least just to keep the kid from kicking up a fight later. He’d hate to end the boy’s short existence because he interfered with him and Olivia; he wanted Noah to remember this and whatever came of this for the rest of his life.

“You’re a bad man.” Noah shot him a fearful look, his voice was quiet, “You’re gonna hurt my mommy.”

Lewis sighed, running a hand through Noah’s hair, “I’m only a bad man because your mommy told you I was a bad man. I don’t have to be bad, Noah, that depends on you. If you’re a good little boy and you behave well and you do everything I tell you I won’t hurt you, and if mommy does everything I tell her to do then I won’t hurt her either.”

“I don’t believe you, you’re lying!” Noah shook his head, he knew the difference between good and bad and everything told him this man was bad, “Mommy told me that lying is bad.” He said he softly.

Lewis couldn’t hold back a chuckle, ruffling Noah’s hair, “Mommy is a hypocrite. Your mommy lies,” He saw Noah tense up in anger, it was amusing to see his reaction; the boy’s brow furrowed, a pout on his lips, the way he puffed his little chest out in an attempt of intimidation. It was cute really, but he was tired of the boy’s insolence. “You see this big scar on my face Noah? Your mommy gave it to me, and then she lied to everyone about it.”   
“She wouldn’t do that!” He whined, shaking his head. His mommy would never lie, she protected people!

“Oh Noah, sweet boy,” He feigned sympathy, pulling Noah closer to him and pressing a kiss to his forehead, “She’s lied about lots of things. Everyone lies ,at some point or another.” He was getting off on the thought of how utterly devastated she would be if she could hear him feeding Noah sugar-coated half-truths to try and turn him against her.

Noah shook his head, but it didn’t stop the tears from pooling in his eyes. It didn’t take more than a few seconds for Noah to shut down, whimpering and sniffling, rubbing at his eyes. Lewis said nothing, just watching him and waiting. Children would seek out comfort if it wasn’t given, right? This too, was a game he was playing, even if Noah didn’t know he was a player. So he let him cry, counting down on a mental timer in his head, waiting with anticipation. He had the ability to read these kinds of situations, be able to tell how long it would take for someone to meet his demands, whether spoken or unspoken. A gift he acquired after years of getting people to submit to his demands.

_ 4...3...2...1  _

Noah’s resolve broke, giving a pathetic whimper before throwing himself at Lewis and burying his face into his chest, small little arms laying carelessly on his shoulders as he sobbed softly, half-hearted against him. Lewis couldn’t help but smile, another little victory. He kept silent, running his hand nonchalantly along Noah’s back in a way that he supposed would be comforting for a child. He had hoped to be able to sit with Noah until Olivia stirred, he could almost see the horrified look on her face if she were to turn around and see him holding her precious little boy. But alas they had to move forward, after all they could very well already be looking for him!

“Honey, I need you to go back to sleep m’kay?” He drawled, slowly sitting the boy up and putting him back in the car seat, finally meeting his gaze. This time Noah didn’t look away, he stared back at him, holding his breath as if waiting for Lewis to do something bad. He chuckled, before leaning close to Noah, inches from his face before kissing him on the forehead again. He lingered for a moment, gauging his reaction to him, noting how he tensed up, his breathing fast paced from anxiety.

“Where are we going?” Noah broke the silence with his question, it came out soft and quiet but there was an underlying tone of fear to it as well. 

He paused for a moment, thinking about whether he should tell the boy the truth or not, because in reality he wasn’t quite sure either. Somewhere quiet, abandoned, far enough away that he could have his fun with Olivia without fear of interruption too early, “It’s a surprise sweetie, go back to sleep.” And with that he got back into the front seat and turned on the car, glancing to the side to see Olivia startled awake with a big gasp, whipping around to see what was going on, he just raised an eyebrow and started driving.

“What did you do?” She hissed out, still half-asleep it seemed, “W-why were we stopped?” Fear clutched at her heart, threatening to burst it out of sheer anxiety.

“I didn’t do anything, not yet anyway. He woke up, you were asleep, so I...comforted him,” Lewis could hear a strangled growl catch in her throat, rolling his eyes, “I don’t have a reason to hurt him, yet.”

Olivia wanted nothing more than to wrap her hands around his stupid neck and not let go until he wasn’t breathing anymore. He wasn’t supposed to go NEAR her son, Noah was none of his business. She had been asleep, she couldn’t even comprehend the things he...told Noah or said to him, and she had no idea whether Lewis really wanted to scare him or not! There were too many factors here to consider for her to be comfortable with leaving the situation alone, “You told me you’d leave him alone-”

“No, I never said I’d leave him alone. I said that I’d spare him from seeing his  _ lovely  _ mother being…” He trailed off, noting that Noah was still awake, “So don’t think to tell me what I did or didn’t say, and if I were you I’d be quiet right about now because I’m seriously reconsidering what I have planned for the both of you..” It was a calm and blatant threat; he held all the cards and she was at his mercy. He would use this to his advantage for as long as he could hold onto it. He only needed Olivia’s compliance until he found the perfect place to enact his revenge, then he could do to her and Noah as he liked.

She had gone quiet, glancing out the window before pushing the boundaries and turning around to look at Noah, trying to give him a comforting smile, but Noah didn’t smile back. No, Noah looked confused and for the first time he looked like he didn’t trust her, big eyes darting from her to Lewis before turning to look out the window. That hurt, probably the worst, for Olivia. Anxiety swirled in her stomach, he had told Noah  **something** that was making him not trust his mother and she didn’t like that one bit. She turned to look at Lewis, opening her mouth to ask him, the question burned in her throat, what had he said to her son?

“Close your mouth sweetheart, it’s not time for that, yet.” He teased, stifling a laugh at her disgusted and scandalized face. She was quick to cover her mouth with her hand and turned forward in her seat.

She couldn’t believe the nerve of that comment, but at the same time it seemed typical, almost expected that he would say something so...vile! Disgusting, he was disgusting...She knew that comment had dangerous implications for her, for what he had planned. God she hoped they were quicker this time, she wasn’t sure if she could survive another 4 days, and she knew Noah certainly couldn’t.

 

**5:13AM**

Jesse had been awake for 13 minutes, it had been this way for a few days now, where she would wake up early and refuse to go back to bed. Well, Amanda figured that it was fine, she would just get ready for work early. If Jesse was up, she was up, there were no ands, ifs, or buts about that. 

“Alright Jesse, you watch cartoons while mommy gets dressed okay?” She asked her daughter softly, handing her the tablet, she could practically hear Liv’s voice echoing in her head,  _ Don’t let her watch too much of that, they get addicted.  _ Half serious and half joking, typical. She hadn’t checked her phone yet, if she knew anything Carisi was already up and had probably already texted her about grabbing breakfast or asking about Jesse as he always did...

A couple of notifications from the usual apps, some traffic reports and- A text from Olivia? That was out of the ordinary, usually Olivia didn’t disturb her before she got into work but…

 

_ It’s him. _

 

Suddenly the room felt 10 degrees colder and she shivered. For starters, that was  _ beyond _ cryptic, and secondly COMPLETELY out of character for Liv. She checked the time,  _ sent at 3:36AM.  _ That sent the alarm bells going, the text repeating in her head.

_ It’s him, it’s him, it’s him… _ Then it slowly dissolved to that hellish cackle in her head, a voice she thought she’d never have the displeasure of hearing again;  _ It’s me, it’s me, it’s me!  _ After all there was no other reason for a text like that unless it really  **was** him.

Amanda inhaled softly, she needed to stay calm even though every fiber of her being wanted to panic. Logically, there was no way that this could be the nightmare scenario she was turning it into right? She was quick throwing on clothes, glancing out of her bedroom to make sure Jesse was still watching the tablet before shakily dialing Olivia, pacing her room. One ring, two rings, three rings, voicemail. She tried again, praying she would pick up, that she would tell her that everything was okay and it was some sort of awful, cruel, out of character practical joke. One ring, two rings, three rings, voicemail. No? Again! One ring, two rings, three rings...voicemail. 

She called the first person she could even think to call in this situation.

“It’s 5 in the morning, what are you doing up?” Fin sounded like she had just woken him from a sound sleep, groggy. The words tumbled forth from her mouth without making any sense and Fin was having trouble processing what she was even saying, “Woah, hey! Amanda slow down, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Liv, she sent me a text a-at 3:30 and I didn’t see it til now and-...Something’s wrong, she isn’t answering her phone and her text just said that it was him! S-she wouldn’t send a text like that unless she really was in danger- You have connections right? Call Riker’s, now!” She was panicking, she didn’t want to imply anything, she didn’t want to say his name either. Saying his name would make it real and she so badly wanted this to be fake. She knew that Fin would just know what she was talking about, “I’m heading to the station.” And with that she hung up before he could tell her otherwise, quickly picking up Jesse, “Hey sweetie, we have to go!”

“Mommy what wrong?” Jesse asked softly, seeing her mother panicked.

“Nothing sweetie, nothing.” She slipped on her jacket and her shoes before grabbing one of her go bags, scrambling around her house to get her jacket and shoes, her keys, her gun...Everything she felt she would need even though she knew it wouldn’t help her. She made it out the door with Jesse in 5 minutes flat, a new record for the both of them.

When she got to the station Carisi was already there, relaxing at his desk and sipping a coffee. However when she stormed in like that, half put together with Jesse on her hip he was staring at her as if she was nuts, “Rollins what’s-” Before he could even get another word out she had shoved Jesse over to him, “I can’t talk about it right now, something’s wrong. I need you to watch Jesse, I have to- I have to go find Barba!” Something bubbled up inside her, an emotion she couldn’t identify at first, but it developed and swirled into what she deducted to be guilt. She should have heard her phone, maybe she would have been able to do something if she had heard the damn phone when the text first came through!

Sonny handed Jesse to another officer, quietly telling her to take Jesse into Olivia’s office to wait while he turned to Amanda, “Rollins, talk to me what’s wrong?” He hadn’t seen her this panicked since- well, ever. She hadn’t even been this way before having Jesse.

“Olivia-!” She started, a strangled cry catching in her throat, turning to look around the squad room just in time to see Fin rush in. When he and Amanda met eyes that was all the confirmation she needed, “No...No, he can’t-! He can’t do this to her, not again! I-” Suddenly another thought crept into her head, the thought of Olivia in her apartment, asleep when that bastard slithered his way in like a snake with his prey!- Except this time was different, this time she wouldn’t be alone with The Beast, “Oh God...Noah...Noah!” The thought made her chest seize up. Olivia didn’t stand a chance against him a second time, and if he found Noah then neither did he.

Finn rushed over, “Amanda-! Rollins, you’re no good to Liv if you’re frantic like this, calm down!” He helped Carisi sit her down in a chair, “He ended up having a seizure in Riker’s and they sent him to Bellevue. They said that his heart stopped and he autorececitated so they kept him for observation. He managed to convince the guard to uncuff him, snapped his neck, raped a nurse and he’s been in the wind since. I have people already going to Olivia’s apartment to see what’s happened, we’re gonna find him.”

“Who is him!?” Carisi shouted out of pure frustration, obviously both Fin and Rollins knew something that he didn’t and he was no help to them left in the dark.

“William Lewis.” Amanda said quietly, running her hands through her hair, taking deep breaths to calm down.

“Who the hell is that?” The name did sound familiar to Carisi but he wasn’t able to place it, after all he’d still been working in Staten Island when the initial ordeal had started. Sure, news traveled, but it wasn’t as if it held any significance to him at the time.

“William Lewis the sickest son of a bitch I think I’ve ever had the displeasure of crossing paths with, he’s a serial rapist and a sociopath, he abducted Liv and tortured her for four days, he wanted to...to rape her and she was able to fight him off and subdue him. He’s been at Riker’s for 4 years and now he’s gone and...and he has Liv...again. Damnit!” Rollins could pull her hair out, they all had thought that this was over after the trial, This was a cruel joke, they had moved past the ordeal, they had stopped thinking about what he did and what he could have done. Olivia had moved on with her life, recovered from the ordeal and now, now this, “I have to get Barba…” Amanda said softly jumping up. She knew how close their ADA was with Liv, he’d want to be there, to try and help.

“Hold on,” Carisi made her sit back down, “Jesse is here, you need to be here. I can go get Barba, okay? You and Fin know more about this son of a bitch than I do.” He didn’t give her a chance to respond, grabbing his keys and his jacket before rushing out. 

Fin’s phone rang before Amanda could get another word out to him and he stepped away, leaving Amanda to collect herself. Taking deep breaths she turned on her phone, looking at that text. She could HEAR Olivia’s voice in her head;

_ Amanda, this isn’t your fault. I texted you KNOWING you wouldn’t see it at first. Just focus on finding me, leave the past in the past. _

Even in her thoughts Olivia was as selfless as she was in life, but that didn’t make the crushing guilt hurt any less. When Fin came back she could tell immediately what he was going to say, it made her stomach flop as she swallowed down the urge to vomit.

“Liv’s apartment isn’t trashed like last time but she’s gone. Her phone, her gun and her badge are still there but...Noah’s gone too, Amanda.” Fin fought off the urge to shudder at the the thought.

Both of them knew the dangerous implications of that statement. Noah was the only thing that Liv cared about in her life, she would give her life for Noah. Now Lewis had him, a bargaining chip to use against Olivia in his sick game. Now it wasn’t just Olivia in danger, but the boy they’d helped Olivia raise with all the love and kindness the world had to offer; the boy who proudly called them his family. And now his purity and innocence sat in the hand of the devil, to do with as he pleased.

 

**6:04AM**

Carisi arrived at Barba’s office in what he noted was record time, especially at this hour in the heart of the city, but it felt like an eternity. He could practically hear his sisters in his head screaming at him not to run through the halls or he was going to get hurt. He bypassed Carmen who was shocked to even see him there at that hour and didn’t get the chance to get a word in before Sonny was bursting into Barba’s office.

Barba had been working on his 2nd cup of coffee already that morning, going over cases sprawled out on his deck when the door slammed opened. It was so sudden and so abrupt for a second he thought someone had come there with the exclusive idea of killing him, jumping out of his seat in confusion to see a Carisi standing there huffing and puffing, sweating, hair all of out place.

“Carisi what-”

“Have you seen the news?” He asked in a panic.

“No, what’s going on?” Barba knew it had to be something bad if Carisi was running over here instead of just receiving a phone call from Liv…

“We have to get back to the precinct. William Lewis.” He caught his breath, “He escaped sometime last night from Bellevue prison ward.”

The silence that fell over him was enough that you could hear a pin drop as he processed this new information. He had assured Liv that Lewis would get the maximum, that he would  **die** in prison. Rafael took a couple steps away from his desk, leaning on a window sill and taking a deep breath, “Please don’t tell me that Liv…” He said softly, trailing off, at a loss for words. Carisi didn’t say anything, but his expression told him every horrifying detail. Shaking his head and muttering a prayer he grabbed his jacket and immediately was out the door with Carisi, “Let’s go.”

The drive was agonizing, he seemed to be holding his breath before gaining the courage to speak, “Do they have any idea where-”

“No. Fin texted me and told me that the unis went to Liv’s apartment and that it’s intact but that...she and Noah aren’t there, her car’s still in the garage.” Carisi felt the weight of his words and he could see them weigh on Barba’s face.

He whispered another prayer to himself, his heart sinking. Olivia, who had already gone through so much and come out on the other side seemingly stronger, larger than life itself even. And Noah, his sweet little adoptive nephew with a heart of gold and the sweetest laugh...Part of him wondered darkly if he would ever hear his sweet little laugh again, or if he would get to see Olivia’s calming smile or hear her warm encouraging words...Now those same images he had cherished were marred in his head, desecrated by the image of William Lewis.

 

**7:03AM**

They’d been driving around forever, he was going wherever he pleased with no clear direction, Olivia had noticed and taken note of it when he flipped on the radio, smirking as he heard exactly what he expected to hear;

_ “The search is on for convicted serial rapist and murderer William Lewis who escaped from Bellevue prison ward after being transferred there from Rikers after a seizure. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. The NYPD is aware of two hostages thus far; Olivia Margaret Benson, a Lieutenant who is part of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit and her son, Noah Porter-Benson who is 4 years old. The police have said that if you see them do not approach as Mr. Lewis is considered to be extremely dangerous. Call the tip-line at this numbe-” _

He flipped off the radio and laughed, “Well it only took them 3 hours to realize that I escaped, dumbasses. They figured out you and little Noah here were gone real quick though, I’m surprised. You’ve trained your merry little band of idiots well, they aren’t tripping over each other this time, not yet at least.”

Noah piped up, “I knew it! I knew you were bad!”

Olivia tensed up, ready to say something, anything, for him to leave her son alone. She would apologize up and down for Noah if she thought that it would lessen Lewis’s fixation on him.

“Noah sweetheart, do you remember what we talked about? About being good?” He looked at the boy in the mirror.

Noah slowly nodded.

“The adults are talking now, so you need to be real quiet.” He knew that he wouldn’t have any trouble with Noah, the boy wasn’t going to do anything if he thought that he or his mother were in danger. Children had a sixth sense for reading the mood of the room, he knew that Noah was especially intuitive. 

Lewis turned his attentions back to Olivia, glancing at her before chuckling, “I’m gonna admit, I feel pretty dumb! I mean, I left you in your room to change…and I forgot to make sure your phone wasn’t there! How careless of me!” He turned to look at her for a second before turning back to the road, slowly slipping a hand over to her, gripping her inner thigh as she let out a hiss of disgust, “Who’d you tell? I wanna know who to blame for being too late to save you this time. And don’t you dare tell me no one, they wouldn’t have gotten this far this fast without your help.”

Olivia was quiet, until he started squeezing her thigh and she inhaled sharply, clenching her teeth in agony as he gripped so tightly she wondered if his nails were going to break her skin despite her clothing. Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, the pain was starting to become biting and she blurted out quietly, “Amanda, I texted Amanda...She was the only one who I could trust to know.”

Slowly his grip relented, but his hand stayed there on her thigh, she didn’t think he had any plans to let go of her soon, “Amanda Rollins...” 

Lewis remembered Amanda; blonde, stuck up bitch who probably whored herself out to her coworkers on the weekends, “Do you trust her with your life, trust her to find you before I have my way with you?”

Olivia stared straight ahead, he seemed to be driving with purpose now, “Yep.” That was all she said, all she really had to say about the situation. She did trust her and if they were already known to be missing it meant that Amanda had jumped into action fast. However this wasn’t the whole truth. She trusted Rollins to find her and Noah, just not before Lewis had his way. “A-are,” she paused, mentally cursing herself for stuttering, “Are we going back to the beach house?” She asked uncomfortably. She’d be content if they just drove around endlessly for hours, to be completely honest, so long as he didn’t get the chance to hurt her or Noah.

“Maybe, I haven’t decided yet. Would you like to go back to the beach house Olivia?” He asked, hand trailing farther up her inner thigh, getting dangerously close to a situation Olivia didn’t want to be in. “Go back to that room with that good old-fashioned metal bed frame.” He made a slight humming noise softly, “Tell me Olivia, are you gonna cry when I finally take you?”

Olivia felt bile rising in her throat slowly pushing his hand back down her thigh, “Stop it...Please, just stop.” She said softly, she didn’t want to risk Noah hearing them.

He continued though, leaving his hand where it was to focus on the mental aspect of it, “Do you think this will stay with Noah for the rest of his life or do you think he’s young enough that he’ll forget about all of this?” Olivia turned away from Lewis and stared out the window, desperately trying to block him out, “Maybe I’ll leave him with a parting gift, how does matching scars sound?” She lowered her head, it felt like someone had ripped her lungs out at the thought of a scar like Lewis’s on his face for the rest of his life. That wasn’t enough for Lewis however and he continued, “Will you be able to love him knowing that it’s your fault that this happened to him? If I decide to let you live do you think you’d be able to love your rapist’s baby like you love Noah?”

What he was insinuating was dangerous, and Olivia couldn’t bear the thought of it, shoved his hand away with a hiss and hugging her knees to her chest, “Shut up!” She snapped loudly, like a hurt animal being cornered.

“Mommy?” Noah asked softly, fear in his voice.

“It’s alright Noah.” Lewis said quickly to Noah before grabbing one of Olivia’s wrists forcefully, “Calm down sweetheart.” He paused before smirking, “It’s just a hypothetical.”

She ripped her arm away, hating the tears that were building in her eyes, hating being in the situation where she was at his mercy while he threatened to tear her apart like this. She just wanted to be back at home with Noah, getting him ready for school without a care in the world.

“I have to get another car…” He mused, “You two promise to be good while I do that?” He looked in the mirror to see Noah, “Noah, you promise?” When the boy nodded he smiled, “Good, make sure your mommy’s good too.” He pulled off on a random sidestreet, turning off the car and getting out, dangling the keys in front of the window before locking it.

Olivia’s first thought was that she could just manually unlock it and run but she had to get Noah out too, and if she did that the alarm was going to go off and send him running back. She just kept looking around, going through the glove compartments, she just wanted to find something, ANYTHING, that she could use to give her an upper hand-

“Mommy stop!” Noah burst out loudly, tears streaming down his face, “Stop it, just do what he says! I don’t want him to hurt you…” He wept, she hadn’t heard him the first few times he called to her quietly. He loved his mother, he wanted to protect her and the only way he knew how to do that was to get her to listen to him, “Please mommy.”

It broke Olivia’s heart to see Noah like this. He was scared and she felt like she had brought this on him, that this was half her fault, even though the rational part of her brain knew it wasn’t. She turned around fully, leaning over into the back seat to try and comfort Noah, wiping at his tears with the sleeve of her sweater, “Noah sweetie, please don’t cry. Please...I’m sorry if I scared you.” 

Noah took hold of his mother’s hand squeezing it tightly, “I’m scared…” He whimpered, look her in the eyes. Olivia could hardly bear it, climbing into the backseat and unbuckling him. Her hands were shaking, when had they started doing that? She pulled him into her lap, hugging him close, cradling him almost like she did when he was a baby, it seemed like that was such a short time ago yet here he was. Her strong and brave little boy… “It’s gonna be okay Noah. Your aunt and uncles are looking for us, they’re gonna find us I promise.” She had faith in them, and that was all she could have. 

But she could see no matter how much Noah wanted to believe her there was a hint of doubt on his face, he trusted his mother’s word he always had but...what if she was lying? Lewis said that his mommy had lied before...But like her all he could do was hope that his family would rescue them, he knew they would do their best, they always did. He just held onto his mother, just wishing this would all be over and he could come home.

The door swung open behind Olivia and Lewis rolled his eyes, “How touching this is. I got another car, come on.” He said, practically dragging Olivia out, “Forget the car seat this time, we don’t have time to screw around with it. C’mon Noah! You’re a big boy, you don’t need her to carry you.” He didn’t have to tell him twice, Noah scrambled out after his mother, shooting Lewis a spirited glare, he didn’t like seeing his mother being dragged around like that.

Olivia groaned softly seeing the car he was pushing her towards, a black SVU. Wonderful, just great, every other car in Manhattan looked like this. She kept a sharp eye on Noah as Lewis helped him into the backseat of the car before he pushed Olivia toward the passenger seat, “C’mon, let’s go.”

“What did you do to the driver?” She asked after a moment of silence, though the answer was already written on his face. 

“You really sure you want to know the answer to that?” He was so casual about it, taking a life. It was child’s play to him and it occurred to her that never in her life had she thought she could come into contact with such a man. If you could call him that, a demon was more like it. No human could commit such acts and be so...so casual about it. Evil personified; that was William Lewis.

Olivia stood there, feeling panic rise inside of her; she didn’t...want to go in that car, it would take them even longer to find them, they wouldn’t know what to look forward. She inhaled sharply when Lewis just rolled his eyes at her and gave an annoyed groan, “Turn around Olivia, my trust in you is wavering.” He produced a pair of handcuffs from his pocket, twirling them around nonchalantly, staring her down. He wasn’t budging and neither was she, they locked eyes to see who would stand down first. Olivia was surprised to see him break their stare, nodding his head before delivering a threat calmly, “Or I could force you into the trunk, up to you.” She relented at the thought of it, Noah was already scared, she knew that if she was stuck in the trunk Noah would throw a fit that she didn’t trust Lewis to be able that situation without violence. “Good girl.” He chuckled, grabbing her roughly and cuffing them a little tighter than he should have but she didn’t expect anything less. He forced her into the car and slammed the door shut, hard enough that she could have sworn Noah jumped three feet into the air, anxiously staring at the driver’s side as Lewis got in.

There was a dead silence for a few moments, the tension in the air felt like static electricity ready to pop at any moment.

“Noah sweetheart, come here!” Lewis didn’t turn to look at him, he didn’t need to after all he was sure Noah was scared enough of him to comply. He heard the boy unbuckle himself and inch his way towards the front, that was when Lewis turned and pick him up, setting him down in his lap and producing a phone from the glove compartment, “We have to make a phone call.” He glanced at Olivia and she looked away. She knew he was going to call and taunt them, of course he was, after all was this really William Lewis if he wasn’t exploiting his lead at the first possible chance?

“Olivia, what’s Amanda’s number?” He asked and she shook her head, “I don’t know, you tell me.” She snapped, feeling a stab at her heart when Noah whimpered, Lewis squeezing him a little closer to his body.

“Noah do you know?”

“No…” He was lying, his mother had taught him Amanda’s number in case of emergencies. 

“Noah.” His tone was one of warning, “I know you’re lying, it isn’t good to lie. Your mother lied and now see where it’s got her?” When Noah still seemed to refuse to give the number up he continued, “You don’t want me hurt your mommy do you?”

“No!” Noah whimpered, finally relenting and reaching for the phone, which Lewis gave him freely to put in the number.

“Don’t do that to him…” Olivia mumbled, shaking her head. The fact he had Noah was terrible enough but now he was manipulating him, dragging him further and further into their game and that was the opposite of what she wanted.   
Lewis snatched the phone from Noah’s hands, “Well let’s get the game started shall we?” He hit dial, and Olivia held her breath. This wasn’t a game she wanted to play.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a fair note that this chapter does include some child abuse so if that's not something you're okay with reading you've been forewarned!!!

**8:00AM**

The squad room was like a zoo, a whirlwind of people scrambling over each other at tiplines. Dead end after dead end. They were in Canada already, no they were seen down in Tijuana, or Los Angeles or somehow this had to do with aliens?...They were in city and the squad knew that. Carisi had been moving around so fast he nearly knocked over Chief Dodds when he walked in to...well they weren’t quite sure if he was there to hinder or help yet. Fin had gotten calls from both Munch and Cragen asking what the hell was going on, the panic apparent in their voices when he explained to them what had transpired over the past few hours, and that they were doing all they could to find them.

Amanda had been so busy going over maps, different locations including all the locations in Manhattan that he’d taken Olivia to, she almost hadn’t noticed her phone ringing on the table.

“Rollins, your phone.” Barba’s tone was short, he was pacing back and forth. He knew he really shouldn’t be there but he wasn’t any good to anyone back at his office, not with the level of stress he felt at that moment; the panic, the fear.

Amanda looked up and swiped her phone, looking confused, “I don’t know this number it’s a video call…” She stopped, everyone milling around her stopped. An unknown number and a video call? She was smart enough to put two and two together accompanied by a pit of dread forming in her stomach. Amanda ran toward Liv’s office, she needed absolute quiet before answering the call, for whatever would be waiting for her on the other side. Naturally the others followed her in, nearly shoving each other out of the way before slamming the door shut leaving Dodds to watch them as if they were all insane. She took a breath, looking around at the others before answering.

Her gut feeling had been right.

“Amanda!” Lewis smirked, “Nice to see you again, you look great. They all there with you? I want everyone to hear what I have to say.”

“Lewis where are they.” She held back an angry remark, a mean name, she didn’t want to give him a reason to hurt them.

“Wow, straightforward.” He shrugged it off, “They’re here with me of course, where else would they be? Olivia, say hi to your squad.” He turned the phone around so they could see her. Amanda immediately noted the panicked look on her face, her hands were cuffed behind her. Olivia couldn’t say anything and she knew that was because she must be on the verge of tears, who wouldn’t be in that situation?

“Olivia, we are going to find you-” Amanda started, being cut off by Lewis laughing.

“Really?” He shook his head, “No I don’t think so, not this time. Besides Olivia came with me willingly, she’s unharmed for now, which reminds me...Noah sweetheart, say hi.” He finally let them see Noah, curled up and held against him.

  
Noah looked at the phone, fear and tears in his eyes, “H-hi Aunt Amanda…”

“Noah...” She swallowed a sob, glancing up at her team. Fin had turned away and Carisi paced with clenched fists, ready to punch something. Barba had to sit down, he looked near passing out. This was the boy they’d known for almost his entire life and they couldn’t do anything to help him.

“You’re gonna find us, right auntie?” Noah asked softly, flinching when Lewis leaned down and kissed him on the head, before putting the phone back on himself, relishing the strangled look at her face.

“Just remember; This? This is on you, Amanda, and the rest of your squad, and on that ADA Mr. Barba. You were all so stupid thinking that I wouldn’t find some way out, after escaping your so-called justice for years. So let’s see just how long it takes for you to find us this time. Let’s see if you can save Olivia and Noah in time.” And with that he hung up before Amanda could even process his words.

A silence fell over them. It was thick in the air and it stung their throats like poison. All they could do was look at each other, none of them spoke, it was as if William Lewis had ripped their voices out of their throats. For Amanda it was the look on Liv’s face that would haunt her for the rest of her life. No matter the outcome of this situation, if she lived or died, she knew that one of her dying thoughts would be that of Liv. Sure they’d had their fair share of fights but she knew that if she needed it Olivia would go to bat for her every single time. It was the fearful expression, the hopelessness her eyes held, the complete disregard for herself that would stick with Amanda. Her worries and fears all centered towards her son, her innocent son who was sitting in the lap of the man who wanted nothing more than to see her in pain.

For Fin it would be the the sound of William Lewis’s voice. It was like nails raking down a chalkboard, he sounded so smug and satisfied...He had everyone right where he wanted them to be. Olivia and Noah were with him, whether that had been his plan all along or not, and they were there in the squad room, unsure as to where he could even be. They had the car’s make and model and license plate but there was almost an entire guarantee that he had already ditched that it favor of another car. His voice would haunt him, the lack of fear or remorse. He remembered seeing when they’d been undercover to try and catch the guard at Sealview. He remembered that bastard Lowell Harris, thinking it probably couldn’t get any worse than that until of course William Lewis came alone. Fin knew that no matter how much longer he worked in SVU there would never be another case as horrifying, as unsettling as this one.

Carisi hadn’t been part of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit when they had first brought William Lewis in on a misdemeanor charge, he hadn’t been there when he played the jury like a fiddle and got off free for the fourth time in his criminal career, and he hadn’t been there when Amanda and Fin discovered his lieutenant’s apartment in shambles after not hearing from her for 2 days. What he did know and what he had seen was the aftermath, when one of the bastards they put away was particularly depraved he saw a twinge in her eye that held an emotion he couldn’t quite explain. He did know Noah too, he loved Noah, Noah was his little nephew who called him Uncle Sonny and jumped on him excitedly whenever he was around. He knew that Noah was being raised by the best mother possible, and Olivia would die to protect her son. And he knew from reading the case files was that this wasn’t going to have a happy ending, for either of them.

Barba felt bile rise in his throat when the phone call ended. Noah’s voice would stay with him forever. He always knew him as a vibrant boy with a kind smile and a knack for helping others, so much like his mother. He had never heard him sound so scared...Barba knew the details of the cases as well as the squad did, he remembered all the little details of what he’d done. He knew the extent of what he’d done to Liv. He had to sit there at the trial and listening agonizingly while Lewis screamed at Olivia, unable to do anything because no amount of objections would have stopped him. Guilt gnawed at his insides, he had told Olivia that he would request the maximum and he got the maximum, life. Noah was the light of Olivia’s world, and Lewis represented all of the dark in her life and now, right before their eyes the dark was threatening to swallow the light whole, to rip it from her and surround her...Would she be able to rescue herself and her son from it this time? Would she really be able to get so lucky a second time?

They all had come to the same conclusion at the exact same moment, looking at each other in silence. 

He was right. They  **should** have expected he would escape but after 4 years? He was hardly a thought in their memories, they had moved past it, past him. Now they couldn’t, now they were facing the horrible ugly truth. Not only was Olivia relying on them but Noah was too and if they didn’t hurry, if they didn’t fight tooth and nail then they were going to lose Olivia and Noah forever.

“We have to do something…” Amanda finally broke the silence, shaking her head. 

“Yeah but what?” Carisi asked, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

“Something.” Fin answered before Amanda, “I’m in charge for now, the son of a bitch is bound to call again, if we’re lucky he’ll slip up somewhere, but we can’t just play the waiting game.” And with that they walked out of Liv’s office, somehow more collected than ever, and more driven. They needed to find them, their window was closing and they all knew once that window was closed they may never find them.

 

**8:21AM**

“You did very well Noah.” Lewis ruffled the boy’s hair affectionately, but his tone held a sort of finality, he glanced up at Olivia and met her gaze, slowly reaching behind him with one hand. He hadn’t planned on harming the boy, but making it seem like he had served his purpose and needed to be disposed of felt like something interesting, something to bring a little life back to her face. He wanted to know what kind of rise it would get out of Olivia when faced with the situation.

Olivia couldn’t handle it anymore, lunging forward and nearly toppling on them, “No, stop!” He couldn’t stop the tears, letting out a gut wrenching sob, “What do you want from me!? You have me right where you want me, you don’t need to rub it in like this, alright!? I-I’ll do whatever you want, just leave Noah alone.” She wept openly this time, hoping that perhaps her tears and her submission would gain herself something, anything. If he hurt Noah then he might as well kill her because she’d never be able to forgive herself.

He stared at her, unreadable for a long moment, the longer he stayed silent and expressionless the worse she cried. He enjoyed it, but only for a moment before his expressionless face turned into a scowl, rolling his eyes boredly at her.

“You’re a lot weaker than I gave you credit for. Fine, he’s safe for now, since you’ve given me your word, not that it means much coming from a liar like you.” He let go Noah begrudgingly, leaving the boy to go scramble over to his mother, clutching her tightly out of fear. He had to give the boy credit, he’d been strong thus far, he wasn’t sobbing like his mother, but he could tell he’d shaken the boy, a good thing in hindsight. His endgame would be a lot easier if Noah continued to comply with his demands.

“Noah go back to your seat, now.” He commanded, the edge in his voice was enough to cut through glass. He wasn’t asking and Noah didn’t need to be told twice, not that Lewis would have repeated himself. Noah reluctantly let go of his mother and scrambled into the back seat making sure to stay as quiet as a mouse out of fear of upsetting Lewis.

He started driving as soon as he saw Noah buckle himself, the radio was off, the only sound he could hear was Olivia’s soft sobs as she tried to regain control of herself. Pathetic, really, is what it was. Breaking her like this was certainly entertaining but he hoped she could recollect that fire when they were alone, he looked forward to watching it leave her eyes when he raped her. For now though, an interrogation of his own.

“Who was your father, Olivia?” 

Some part of her knew that this question would come eventually, he hadn’t gotten the answer out of her at the beach house and he hadn’t been successful in getting an answer in the courtroom either. She had hoped to avoid the subject entirely but, she had no choice anymore, “I didn’t know him.” She said softly, hoping and praying he wouldn’t see through her careful lie.

He had, chuckling before shaking his head, “That’s a lie, and a poor one at that, if you hadn’t known him you wouldn’t have gotten so defensive about it in the beach house or on the stand. Now I’m gonna ask again, but this time, if you try to give me some bullshit lie then Noah’s gonna pay for it. Who was your he?”

“Go to hell.” She hissed, feeling revulsion build in her stomach.

Lewis was silent, he wasn’t going to push it just yet. No, he preferred to lure her into a false sense of security, he had promised that Noah would take the brunt of her ‘rule-breaking’ and he would, he just wanted to give it some time.

Lewis pulled into the parking lot of a nearly abandoned gas station turning to Olivia with a stone cold expression, “I have to get some cigarettes, be right back.” He said it as nonchalantly as one would if in the car with family. This wasn’t right though, not to Olivia. His face, his name was plastered all over the news there was no way that he wouldn’t be recognized...He wasn’t that dumb, was he?

But he got out and sauntered into the little store with the confidence of lion, leaving her and Noah in silence. Noah was half asleep, the fear and adrenaline had worn off, he was exhausted emotionally. Olivia knew it was best if he was asleep for the most part anyway, he didn’t need to hear the awful things Lewis would say. Looking through the window she peeked inside the door to see Lewis talking to the shop worker as if nothing was wrong, he had a bag...there was a little more than cigarettes in there but she couldn’t tell what else. The shop worker was talking back to him, but the look on his face said it all. He had recognized him, and Lewis had known it too, slowly reaching into his back pocket and-

_ BANG! _

It was loud; she jumped, Noah jumped. The silence that followed was deafening, Olivia suddenly realized how parched her throat had become when she tried to swallow. Lewis walked outside as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn’t just ended up another life in the fraction of a second. Before she knew what was happening Lewis had gotten into the backseat with Noah, causing the boy to whimper as Lewis pulled him into his lap. Olivia whipped around to look at them, meeting Lewis’s stare before he pulled a bottle out of the bag. Whiskey. Her heart dropped.

“Hey buddy, I need you to do something for me, m’kay?” Lewis ran a hand through Noah’s hair before he unscrewed the lid from the bottle and taking a swig before continuing, “Your momma here ever make you take medicine, the kind you drink?”

“Yeah…” Noah said softly, looking from Lewis’s face to the bottle. Olivia held her breath, hoping and praying that he wasn’t going to actually-

“Well this is just like medicine. Lean your head back sweetheart.” He said before tilting Noah’s head back and putting the bottle to his lips.

“Lewis don’t!-” Olivia was cut off by an angry glare and a growling voice his free hand yanking the gun from his pocket and waving it around, just out of Noah’s view but in full view of her, “I told you what would happen if you tried to lie again, and I’m a man of my word! Noah I need you to drink this, if you spit it out then this going to be very unpleasant for you.” He snapped before setting the gun at his side and tilting the bottle as Noah sputtered, flailing his arms. He loudly whimpered in protest and Olivia choked out a sob, shaking her head. Everything inside of her screamed to lunge forward and stop this but she feared how fast Lewis’s trigger finger was. It was over if she or Noah ended up shot, she couldn’t risk Noah’s life.

“Noah swallow- you’re gonna choke.” Lewis held him firm despite the boys flailing and loud whimpering. Noah relented, taking a few swigs of the whiskey. It burned his throat, his eyes watered and he wanted to sneeze. When he pulled the bottle away Noah sputtered and coughed, devolving into hiccuping sobs. He didn’t like this, the liquid had burned his throat and felt warm in his stomach. It wasn’t like any other medicine he’d had to take before.

“Calm down,” Lewis shushed him, rocking him slightly, “You’re fine, it’s over now.”

Olivia was sobbing, faced pressed against the headrest in attempt to stifle her tears, guilt eating away at her. For some reason part of her had hoped that somehow Noah was off limits, that Lewis had enough of a conscience in him to leave Noah alone. She was an idiot, he had never been one to bluff and now her son had suffered because she couldn’t suck up her damn pride.

Lewis held Noah close until he’d calmed his sobs down to whimpers, the alcohol was starting to take an effect, he hadn’t taken in enough to get drunk but enough to make the four year old woosy and complacent, “Noah tell your mommy not to lie to me anymore.” He coaxed the boy.

“Mommy...please” Noah whimpered, his head was swimming. He wanted this bad dream to be over, he wanted to be at home in his bed with Eddie. He wanted to wake up to the smell of pancakes that mommy made and he- he wanted to see his family again!

Olivia could barely control her sobs, heaving, her head leaned into the headrest of the seat in an attempt to conceal her ‘weakness’. She was a terrible mother, she had just sat there and let it happen! Let him abuse her son, he would probably never forgive her…

Lewis nodded, he didn’t need an answer from her, her tears were plenty. He’d gotten his point across and found a way to keep the boy subdued. Two birds with one stone, really. He buckled Noah back in and kissed his cheek, “You’re gonna feel really sleepy soon, get some rest.” He said and returned to the front seat before pulling away from the gas station.

Olivia sobbed in her seat, she hadn’t said anything and she wasn’t going to. No witty retorts, no snappy comebacks, nothing. If he asked she would answer but she wasn’t going to be so stupid, so selfish! Not again, Noah didn’t deserve that, no one did. They had been driving for 10 minutes maybe and Noah was out of it in the backseat, drifting in and out of fitful sleep.

“Who was your father?” He asked again, quieter this time, calm.

“I didn’t know him personally…” She started quietly, her sobs subsiding and staring straight ahead, mentally preparing herself for the reaction he would give, “My father, he...he raped my mother, when she was a student at Hudson…” She trailed off, the silence from the other side of the car was like a noose around her neck, threatening to tighten.

She risked a second to glance over at him, to gauge his reaction. A bad move in retrospect. His lips turned up into a triumphant smile, giving a soft breathy laugh, “And you...you are...the end result.” He paused between every few words and put an emphasis on the ‘t’ in result. The noose snapped shut around her neck, cutting off all her air, all hope of getting out of this unscathed gone in an instant.

“I told you, I can always smell a victim.” He hissed out, taking one of her hands and squeezing tightly, “I mean how ironic is that? A child of rape grows up to, what, right the wrongs daddy did? Put away the men who reminded her of her rapist father? And eventually ends up falling prey to one.” He mulled over it for a minute and chuckled, “Do you believe in fate, Olivia?”

Olivia had no witty retort to fire back, she was quiet, the question repeating itself in her head, taunting her. She supposed she did believe that it was fate that brought her and Noah together, but admitting that would also mean that she had to believe that this: Lewis’s obsession with her, his animalistic desire for her, was fate too. Either way she answered she realized that this was a battle she couldn’t win.

Lewis didn’t push her for an answer this time, he’d gotten what he wanted from her for now. This conversation would continue later, continue after.

That overwhelming feeling of dread lapped at her feet, making its way up and up until her head was barely above it. There was nothing she could do, letting it consume her, drowning in it. In that moment a thought occurred to her, a thought she hadn’t had in a long, long time.

_ I want my mother. _

It was an odd thought for Olivia. Her mother had been dead for 18 years and when she had been alive she hadn’t been the most understanding. Alcohol had made her mean and cruel towards Olivia from the time she was very young. In fact, Olivia could recall more than a few times where she had screamed back and forth with her mother and told her she hated her. When she got older she tried to understand what her mother had went through, having gained a fair bit of knowledge from the countless number of victims she had interviewed and kept in touch with. She’d been working with SVU for nearly 20 years now after all, she’d seen probably close to every horrid thing she could have. But she supposed she never truly could have understood what her mother went through, or if she really and truly loved Olivia.

Perhaps once this was all over, if she was even alive, she would understand exactly what her mother went through, how she felt.


	5. Chapter 5

**8:43AM**

When Amanda and Sonny had arrived on scene the man’s body wasn’t even cold yet. No ID on him meant wasting precious time, they would have to wait on that to figure out what he was driving. Someone had called in the sound of a gunshot, they figured it was entirely possible they just missed them. Lewis was getting far too lucky for Amanda’s liking; this wasn’t like being at a blackjack table; they were gambling with lives not money. The lives of two people she cared deeply about. She knew that one wrong move on their end and she could lose her friend and nephew.

Approaching the car she hesitated before looking inside to see no one. She took note of Noah’s car seat, “Carisi, notify unis that Noah doesn’t have a car seat, they’ll need to know that if they spot them.” She trailed off, searching in the car for something, any signs of where they might have gone but came up empty, “Damn...Tell CSU they need to hurry up and identify that body, we need to know what kind of car he’s driving.” And with that she walked away from the crime scene. She needed air, looking at it, despite the clear lack of violence, felt suffocating.

She could have sworn she jumped three fight into the air when she heard Carisi behind her, “You ok?” He meant well, he was just concerned, “Talk to me, tell me what I should be looking for. I wasn’t here when this all started.” He wanted to help so badly, the thought of his lieutenant and Noah out there with some psycho...it sickened him, he didn’t know how he’d live with himself if something happened to one of them.

“I don’t know anymore…” Amanda told him truthfully, turning to look at him, “I don’t know if Lewis wants to kill Liv or...rape her or knowing him, probably both I just know that while he has Noah she’ll do whatever he says.” She sighed, “I thought they might still be in Manhattan but...he's escalating, he was planning this, probably for a long time. We just need him to get sloppy, to slip up.” Something told Amanda though that he was a lot less likely to slip up now, when so much of his plan depended on them and their inability to find Olivia, to torture her with the knowing that they were inches from her and failed to get to her on time.

She hoped she got to be the one to put the bullet between his eyes when they finally found him.

Carisi busied himself notifying the unis of the newer information, doing as Amanda asked. He really didn’t know how else to help, they were at a dead end, he’d never seen Amanda and Fin look so hopeless, nor had he seen Barba look as guilt ridden as he did in the squad room, “Amanda?” He called again, trying to get his partner’s attention, “We need to get back until we know something more.” He waited patiently for her to turn and follow him.

The air was thick when they got into the car, Carisi couldn’t handle the tension, it felt like a powder keg about to explode. So he did the only thing he knew how to do, he tried to talk to his partner. “Amanda...Please talk to me, I’m not Nick. I wasn’t here when this started, let me know what to look for, what I can do to help, ok?”

“I don’t know Carisi, it’s been four years. He could have changed, picked up new tricks in prison. When he called us they were in a car which means he hasn’t gotten the chance to move her anywhere permanent yet.” She paused, she didn’t believe her next words, “There’s still a chance we can find them before something bad happens.”

“Yeah.” Carisi went silent after that, if Amanda wanted to talk about it he’d let her but he wasn’t going to force her to.

“I brought him in.” She started, bringing herself back to that time in her life; before Carisi, before Noah and Jesse, a time in her life when things were pretty bleak, what with her gambling issues and all, “I was in Central Park with Frannie when he went running by with two women screaming behind him. I sent Frannie after him because I wasn't even sure at that point what was going on.” She shook her head, “When I brought him in and he showed me his...burned off fingertips from a kitchen accident I knew that something was off. I called everyone in that day, but I didn’t take the interrogation. Liv and Nick did and he claimed that everything happened was a coincidence. I mean he had an answer for everything.” She gave a slight laugh, “I remember how pissed they were I brought them all in for a misdemeanor, I remember Barba showed up in the middle of the interrogation annoyed that I’d pulled him off his yacht-”

“Wait, Barba? A yacht? What the hell kind of money does our ADA make?” Carisi somehow couldn’t place their uptight and almost, dare he say, dainty ADA as the boating type.

“Oh I’m sorry, it wasn’t  **his** yacht.” She laughed but cut it short abruptly, suddenly feeling an uncomfortable amount of guilt creep into her chest. Here she was laugh and telling Carisi an old story when Liv and Noah were out there with this monster. She got back to her recollection of the events, “Something in my gut told me he had a record but his name wouldn’t pop up anywhere. It was Liv who helped me figure out what he was doing. He was changing his name from state to state so that he wouldn't have anything show up, his real name was Lewis Williams and he’d been charged and acquitted three times prior and the women he flashed were from out of the country so by the time we brought charges up we really couldn’t charge him because our victims were gone. Our evidence came from a woman, Alice Parker, who had been taking photographs and caught something but…” She stopped to take a long breath, “When he was out on bail he broke into her apartment, tortured and raped her. We brought him in and Liv and Nick had a go at him in which Lewis confessed, in hypothetical, to Liv after he told her that..." Amanda took a deep breath, "That she should be so lucky that happen to her. When we brought charges against him Alice had died of a heart attack which, we all knew was due to the rape, but we couldn’t prove it in court and after the lab screwed up the DNA...he ended up walking, again.”

“He sounds like a real bastard.” Carisi felt his blood boil at the details, “What happened that led to this, I mean, with Liv?”

“He fixated on her I guess.” She sighed, “We were all upset that he got away with it, we’d catch him again on something but Liv was...really upset. Cragen sent her home and told her to take two days. She told me later that she went and got some groceries before going home, the door was locked she had no reason to think…” She trailed off, only able to imagine the horror that went through Olivia not only once but now twice, “She said she walked into her living room and he had a gun on her. He knocked her out and over the course of two days he forced her to drink alcohol, tortured her, kept her tied up, he-he burned her with cigarettes, keys, coat hangers-” Amanda put her head in her hands, she wasn’t sure if she could continue. She knew that those same things, and probably much worse awaited Olivia. 

Carisi glanced at her with concern while we drove, “Hey, we’re gonna find them.” He tried to assure her but even he wasn’t entirely sure.

Amanda sniffled, unable to hold back her tears, “No we’re not. Not before he hurts her, not before he hurts Noah.” She wiped at the tears streaming down her face, “The things he did to her over the 4 days he kept her hostage, the things he had planned. He kidnapped her, Carisi, he kept her hostage, forced her to watch him rape the mother of his lawyer, he kept her without food or water! Had Liv not been so levelheaded and smart he would have raped her in that beach house we found them in.” Amanda pushed her emotions back down, “She baited him and then when he least expected it she knocked him out, you know why? Because he had taken hostages of the maid and her young daughter and Olivia couldn’t let them get hurt, she always puts others before herself.”

“She has that habit.” Carisi added.

“Nick told me that when he found her she just...she had a dead look in her eyes and for a second he thought Lewis had actually gotten to her. She told us later, and at the trial that he managed to get free and she beat him until he was subdued.” She sighed, “No matter what really happened he deserved every injury she gave him. He should have been dead Carisi, but he wasn’t. He dragged out everything, every pre-trial motion he exhausted and then he had the absolutely audacity to ask to plead to rape and sodomy with allocution.” She scoffed, "As if Liv was just going to sit there and let him lie."

“I’m assuming Barba nailed his ass to the wall?” Carisi asked. While Barba and Liv had their fair share of arguments he knew that they cared a lot about each other. And that Barba would fight tooth and nail for her if that's what he needed to do.

“I wish he had. No, when Lewis figured out there was no way they would accept his plea he decided to represent himself.” Amanda clenched her fist, “After that Liz Mayer was too terrified to testify, not that I blame her, but then it was all up to Liv. Barba did his best to make sure that he wasn’t going to get to traumatize Liv again but...he failed. If I close my eyes I can still see him limping around the courtroom to get sympathy from the jury, complaining about how his injuries hindered him, still see him eyeing Liv on the stand, still hear the way he yelled at her after being allowed to treat her as a hostile witness all while me, and Nick, and Fin, and Cragen sat in the gallery in horror. While Barba was forced to watch knowing there was nothing he could do, nothing for him to object to. He got off on the despair he caused us, all of us.”

Carisi didn’t have anything to say, no witty remark, nothing to lighten the mood. He couldn’t imagine it, how terrible it must have been for them, and for Olivia. So he said the only thing he could, “Liv is...the strongest person that I know. To face down someone who assaulted you is terrible enough, we know most victims don’t. She saved herself once, and I’m sure she can do it again but she needs our help now. We’ll get this son of a bitch Amanda.”

She looked at her partner and gave him a tired smile before nodding. In that moment she found herself being grateful Sonny Carisi was who he was, and not Nick Amaro.

 

**10:30AM**

Olivia couldn’t see the city anymore, it wasn’t even a spec behind her anymore and for as much as she sometimes loathed the big city with all its lights and noises and terrible, awful crime she missed it now. It was certainly better than the stale silence that fell around her, in this hushed sleepy town they were driving through.

“Where are we going.” She finally worked up the courage to ask, staring out the window.

Lewis was quiet for a moment, as if gauging whether or not to tell her the truth before he came up with answer, “If I told you that wouldn’t be any fun now would it? What I can tell you is that we are going away from that fucking city, and away from your friends. I’m going to find us some place quiet so we can have our fun.”

“What about Noah?” She asked hesitantly.

“What about Noah," He echoed, his rather a statement than a question, "huh, well he’s going to stay with us, of course. Unless you’d rather me leave him on the side of the road miles away from civilization?” The question was posed as rhetorical, he knew she obviously wouldn’t want that. Then again, neither would he, he quite enjoyed Noah’s company and the affect it was having on Olivia.

“You have me now, you don’t,” She paused, trying to find the right words, “You don’t need Noah anymore, you can leave him somewhere he can get help.” She knew her pleas were falling on deaf ears, and even she felt stupid saying them but she had to at least try.

“If I didn’t need Noah he’d already be dead, you know me better than that.” He didn’t even seem remotely phased by her pleas, more or less treating it as a conversation, “Besides it’s so much more fun to see you squirm when I get anywhere near him. I’m looking forward to taking my time with you, the  **both** of you.”

Liv suppressed a whimper, turning to look out the window. The farther they traveled the less and less she saw. She took a brief moment to go over all the information in her head. They’d left her apartment at almost 4 in the morning, it was around 10:30 now, they’d been in the car for roughly 6 hours. Much of that had been spent driving around Manhattan before he sped out of the city, being sure to take routes that didn’t have tolls. She saw a sign a few miles back that had said Phoenicia, which meant they were a little more than 2 hours outside of Manhattan...

Lewis had noticed the wheels turning in Olivia’s head as she stared outside, he could see her lips move wordlessly. Suddenly, and on impulse, he grabbed her by the hair and yanked her close to him, “Don’t think for a second you’re going to try and do something. If you do, by some fucking miracle, manage to escape then you’ll be leaving Noah alone with me. You really wanna do that? I’m fond of him but it’s his mother I want. Deprive me of that and I can’t say what sort of punishment he’ll face for your stupidity,” he let go, shoving her forward a bit, “You’re the only thing standing between him and bullet. Think about that.”

Olivia’s hand tentatively rubbed her aching scalp, taking deep ragged breaths. It had been quiet one minute, peaceful almost and then he just violently ripped her from her thoughts to threaten her more, like she wasn’t already going to do as he said to protect Noah! Part of him was right though, she was trying to think of an escape but he was insane if he thought she would even consider for a second leaving Noah in his hands. Silence fell over them once more, and Olivia was grateful for it this time, it felt safe.

She jerked her head up when he turned off the main road, hearing his curse slightly when they particularly rough bump. She looked around frantically to find nothing but woods surrounding them now. He was looking for something, she didn’t know what. Perhaps he’d changed his mind, maybe he was just going to shoot her and Noah both and flee-

“Ah- here we are!” He stopped the vehicle abruptly and turned to Olivia, flashing a devious grin, “Nice and cozy and no one can hear you scream.” Olivia looked out the window and couldn’t hold back a slight whimper.

A cabin, completely dark with a foreboding energy that made her feel like she was starring in a 90s horror flick. Except that this wasn’t a horror flick and she couldn’t hit the pause button when it became too much to bear.

“Good to see the place still looks abandoned.” He smirked, “And I suppose we have to thank the lovely Bronwyn for checking on it for me a few months ago. You see these cabins are almost always used exclusively in the winter, so the family who owns this one has been gone now for...about 3 months.” He explained, not to anyone in particular, more for his benefit than anything. Before Olivia knew he’d hopped out of the vehicle and was at her side, opening the door and grabbing her cuffed hands, “Let’s get you inside first and then I’ll get Noah.” He looked into the backseat and smiled, “Aw, look at that, he slept through the rest of the trip.” His voice was dripping with false endearment.  

Olivia gave a fleeting look at her son and felt a lump forming her throat, “Leave him alone Lewis…Please. This is between you and me, not him.”

He was quiet for a moment before harshly turning her around and towards the cabin, “Walk” He ordered.

Olivia stumbled for a moment before she complied, ignoring the tight feeling in her throat, ignoring the way her legs wanted to lock up. He kept a hand on her back the entire time and she wished he wouldn’t. But when she took a stride further to keep a distance she felt her knees buckle, grunting as they slammed against one of the stairs. The only thing that kept her from falling backwards was Lewis, who had grabbed the back of her sweater and yanked her back up by her arm.

“Oh come on now Olivia, where's all that bravery you had before? This becoming all too real for you?” He taunted, forcing her back on her feet and up the rest of the stairs, into the cabin.

The first thing Olivia did was look around the cabin. It was nice, she had to admit, modestly furnished and well taken care of, it would have been cozy, a dream really, if this were any other situation than the one it was. Lewis’s voice brought her out of her thoughts however, “Get a good look around? Good, let’s go.” He pushed her towards a door and she dragged her feet to go where he led her, taking deep and slow breaths in an attempt to stay calm. 

“Where are you taking me?” She mustered up the courage to finally ask.

“The basement for now.” He admitted, “I don’t feel like dealing with you doing something stupid, not yet.” He opened the door and flipped on a light switch, “Can you walk down the stairs without falling, or am I going to have to save you from busting yourself up before I get the chance?” His voice was dripping with sarcasm, it made Olivia want to roll her eyes but she forwent the latter.

“I can walk thank you.” She said dryly, taking a ginger step forward and descending into the basement, the pit in her stomach growing a little larger. As soon as she stepped off the last step he yanked her backwards via the handcuffs. She inhaled sharply in response, feeling him unlock one of the cuffs. Immediately she pulled her hand forward rolling her wrist and ignoring the painful ache. He was silent when he attached the cuff to one of the basement’s support beams. Turning her around, forcing her to look him the eyes, giving a ghost of a smirk, “I’m gonna go get Noah. Have fun down here.” He drawled before letting go and walking up the stairs.

And then as if this wasn’t already bad enough he flipped off the light, plunging her into darkness.

* * *

When Lewis returned to the car Noah was awake, drifting in and out of it. Opening the door he made quick work of unbuckling him, ignoring a soft whimper from Noah. He reached over him to grab the back of alcohol and cigarettes before giving the boy a nudge, “You still with me sweetheart?” He teased, “Alcohol’s getting to you huh? Poor baby.” He leaned down to pick Noah up, looks like he was going to have to carry him.

Except that Noah wanted nothing to do with Lewis, and when the man picked him up Noah let out a loud groan of protest pushing feebly against him. It was cute at first, really, and then in a split second it was annoying.

“Stop it Noah, what did I say earlier?” He warned. But the boy didn’t stop, shaking his head and hitting his chest. It wasn’t as if it hurt, it was more mildly annoying. So he set Noah on the ground and grabbed him by the arm, “Alright fine, you wanna act like that you’ll walk, come on.” He tugged the boy’s arm, but Noah shook his head and again was pulling against him. 

That was it. That was about all he’d tolerate, yanking the boy forward, “Now!” He growled, pulling the boy towards the cabin despite his loud whining and crying. He let go of his arm at the bottom the staircase and Noah fell backwards in a flurry of hiccuping coughs, tears streaming down his face. Lewis rolled his eyes, getting to the top of the stairs and turning around to address Noah, “You can throw all the tantrums you want. Hell, you can try to leave if that’s what you want too but there’s nowhere for you to go and the woods can be a dangerous place for a little boy like you.” He waited a second until the boy looked up, meeting his gaze, “Or you could be a big boy and you can get up off the ground and come into the cabin with me and mommy. Your choice.” He turned away and slowly opened the door, smirking inwardly to himself when he heard the boy sniffle and pick himself up off the ground before slowly creeping up the stairs and standing next to him. He let Noah in first and when he came in he made sure to lock the door behind him, shoving the key into his back pocket.

“Mommy?” Noah called softly, looking around the living area frantically.

“Come on, I’ll take you to her.” Lewis set the bag on the counter before taking the boy’s hand. Only to have Noah rip his hand away, looking up at him and glaring.

“I hate you.” Noah’s voice was thick with tears as he took a step away from him.

Lewis nodded and shrugged, “Good, hate me all you want. You’re not the first and you won’t be the last.” He walked forward to the basement door, Noah following a few footsteps behind him cautious. He listen carefully to Noah’s sharp intake of breath when he opened the basement door and flipped out the light, “Oh Olivia!” He chimed, “Call to your son would you? He thinks I’m going to lock him down there in the dark.” He wasn't, and he knew that probably wasn't what Noah was thinking but he figured he might as well play into a child's fear of the dark for no other purpose other than that it was entertaining.

Down the stairs Olivia squinted in pain when suddenly the bright basement light burned her retinas which had already adjusted to the darkness and now would have to readjust. His voice sounded somewhat distant and it grated on her nerves like nails on a chalkboard.

“Noah!” She called, “It- It’s okay sweetie!” They both knew that was a lie, but she didn’t want to frighten Noah. She had no clue if her team were anywhere near finding them, the longer she could keep Noah comfortable the better. It didn’t take more than a few seconds before she heard the quick little tap of Noah’s feet practically running down the stairs and the louder steps of Lewis descending as well, albeit a lot slower than Noah whom within a matter of seconds had thrown himself onto his mother hugging her tightly.

Olivia used her free arm to hug her son against her, holding him tightly with the fear that Lewis would try and pull them apart. She only pulled back to push Noah’s hair off his forehead, taking in his tear filled eyes, his wet cheeks, hearing his quiet hiccups. And suddenly her concern for Noah turned into bubbling rage as she turned to Lewis, giving him a glare that could strike down gods.

“What did you do to my son.” She growled out a demand, not a question.

And Lewis met her gaze with a cool look, “That was none of my doing, he just got himself a little worked up, huh buddy?” Again with that mocking tone, Olivia felt Noah clench his fists and tense up, looking as if he was ready to have another outburst. Lewis chuckled, “I’ll give you two another five minutes.”

Olivia felt her heart sink, “For what? Why?”

“Well I thought that you didn’t want him to see…” He drawled lazily, his eyes raking over her entire body quickly, knowing that he didn’t have to say it, “But if you’d prefer he stayed that’s fine too.” It was a cruel addition punctuating the situation.

Olivia couldn’t focus on that right now though, as much mounting despair as she felt she had to focus on Noah and what would keep him safe. She ran a hand through Noah’s hair, starting to talk in a soft tone, “Noah sweetie...I need you to look at me.”

He seemed absolutely reluctant to, but it was his mother and he was scared. He took in his mother’s face, she looked scared, Noah hadn’t ever seen her look scared like that, “Mama…” His voice was crackly from crying, “Is he gonna hurt you?”

She couldn’t answer that question, she couldn’t lie to her son like that so she ignored the question, “Noah, I know you don’t want to and I know that you’re scared but you have to listen to him? Okay? Every single word.” She hated having to tell him to listen to Lewis, because she knew how cruel Lewis could be but it was better than Noah being defiant. It was better than Noah getting hurt trying to protect her, he didn’t deserve that.

“No mommy! I want to stay with you!” The tears had started again as Noah’s little hands clung to his mother’s shirt as if life itself depended on it.

“Sweet boy,” Olivia swallowed a sob, “You can’t, not right now. It’s okay, it’s okay...shhh,” She hushed him, pulling him into a hug with her free arm, holding him tightly, “Aunt Amanda and your uncles are gonna find us-”

He cut her off, looking into her eyes with a desperate expression on his face, “Mama is he gonna hurt you?” 

Olivia couldn’t find it in her to lie anymore, “Yes,” The crackling in her voice betrayed her, “Yes he is but it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay, don’t worry about me.” She kissed his forehead, lingering for a long moment for fear that it might be the last time she gets to do that before looking up at Lewis, taking in his stone cold expression before nodding.

When Lewis walked over he had to pry Noah’s hands from his mother’s shirt, “Come on Noah, do as mommy says.” His voice too was cold, unfeeling.

“No-! No!” Noah protested as Lewis pulled him up, carrying the boy away from his mother, he kicked and flailed and cried, “Mommy! No, mommy!”

“Do as he says Noah! It’ll be okay!” She called out, as Lewis carried the boy, kicking and screaming, up the stairs. When she heard the door close and the sound of her son’s crying fade she cracked.

Olivia let out a strangled sob before burying her face into her arm, her breathing labored as she tried desperately to steady herself. She would need to be steady to prepare herself for the horrors that now awaited her at his hands.


	6. Chapter 6

**11:43AM**

Olivia counted 30 minutes before she heard the creak of the basement door opening, causing her to shudder. She looked expectantly in the direction of the noise and when he got down to the bottom of the stairs he had the bag from the gas station in his hand, he turned to her, a flash of a smirk pulling at his lips.

“That must’ve been hard for you.” Olivia resisted the urge to roll her eyes at his sarcastic jab, “I mean to know that you’re going to face..well,” He chuckled, “Unspeakable things, yet you’re over here putting on a brave face for your little brat, telling him that everything will be okay, that your friends are gonna rescue you two. It's laughable really, but I guess a mother would rather lie to her child to bring him comfort rather than tell him the awful truth."

She didn’t understand how he was able to bring out every deep thought in her head and vocalize it, taunting and tormenting her with it. If there was a heaven or hell awaiting them after death she had to imagine that this was what hell was like. She wondered for a split second where she would end up when all was said and done, “Just stop.” Olivia’s voice was surprisingly steady given the situation, “Just get on with it.”

“Not in the mood to talk right now huh? Too bad.” He pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, flicking it, staring at her as the flame jumped to life. Olivia jumped slightly, shifting at the sight of it anxiously. He took a gratuitous amount of time lighting his cigarette, watching the small flame dance between the two of them before he completed the task, shoving the lighter into his pocket, taking a long drag before moving a step towards her, “What, did you think I just wanted to rape you?” He laughed, “Four years must’ve dulled your memory; I’ve got plenty of time to spend with you. No one knows where we are. In fact your team’s probably still turning over every cesspool in Manhattan looking for us. How do you think their doing Olivia?” When she remained silent he took a step closer, taking his cigarette out from between his lips and holding it dangerously close to Olivia’s chest, locking eyes and raising an eyebrow.

Olivia wanted to be strong, she really did, but she was scared, the memories flashing in her mind. It was proven that your brain can’t remember physical pain. She couldn’t remember the pain associated with her cigarette burns but she could remember the _smells_ of her flesh burning. She could remember the sound of her sizzling flesh, the sound of _her own voice_ hoarse and raspy from already screaming in pain so many times before.

“I asked you a question Olivia.” Lewis put a slow emphasis on her name, before tapping his cigarette, letting ash fall onto her. He couldn’t hold back a smirk as her panic took over, quickly swiping the ashes off with shaking hands and sharp inhale of breath, “You aren’t ready for this at all, are you?”

This time Olivia answered, “Why would I!?” She took a deep breath, “You're supposed to be rotting in a cell for the rest of your miserable life!” She blurted out, her rage boiling over, “After what you did I had to pick myself up off the ground and move forward with my life, as much as you would LOVE to think that I couldn’t bear to live with what you did. You’re pissed because I didn’t cease to go forward in life because of you. Your whole thing is you want to have control, and I took that away from you. Not only did I beat you within an inch of your life with a bed rod after you failed to rape me but then I faced you in court and beat you again! They may have had reservations about my conduct but when it was all said and done who was the one behind bars and who was the walking free.”

That was all it took for something in his calculated composure break, she had barely a second to take note of the slight twitch his face made before she saw something snap in him. The second she was done talking he had a hand around her neck and without warning, had ground the butt of the cigarette onto her chest, right below her collarbone.

Olivia let out a cry from between clenched teeth, tears filling her eyes. The pain was indescribable; the doctors were right, you really couldn’t remember pain because this was like nothing she could even recall. When he pulled the cigarette away and took his hand off of her neck she lurched forward, resisting the urge to touch it as that would only make it worse, taking long labored breaths to try and fight through the pain.

He didn’t give her the chance to catch her breath before he had slapped her so hard that Olivia thought she might pass out. When that didn't happen and she managed to keep her ground he yanked her closer to him by her sweater hissing out, “Don’t even fucking talk to me like that again, do you understand? The next time you do I’ll be putting a cigarette out on your little bastard kid while you watch.” He shoved her backwards and her back hit the pole, the cuff around her wrist rattling violently; she’d almost forgotten it was there.

“I asked you a question, do you understand?” There was a violent edge to his voice, like he was ready to kill her and be done with it. A small part of Olivia wished he would so she wouldn’t have to face more torture, a rape...but she had to think of Noah and she had to stay alive for Noah. That would require her cooperation, as much as she everything inside of her screamed to fight.

“Yes,” It hurt to speak, he had squeezed her throat so harshly that it was already beginning to sound raspy, “Yes I understand…” And between clenched teeth she hissed out, “I’m sorry.”

And just like that the storm was over and his whole demeanor relaxed, an eerily calm smile spread across his face; the charming mask was back on, “See? Was that so hard? You can’t just go off like that and expect me to listen to your nonsense Olivia. That’s not good for our relationship.”

“There is no relationship.”

“Really? You think so? I would say we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, you and I. And I would even go so far as to say we do have a relationship, just not a traditional one.” He pulled the pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit up another, blowing the smoke out in her face. Olivia resisted the constriction in her throat, urging her to cough, “If anything you can’t deny that we have a special sort of connection, hm?”

Silence passes between and Olivia is cautiously side eyeing him, before he took the cigarette from his lips and held in there, between two fingers tauntingly almost, bringing it closer and closer to her now. She tensed up, waiting with a breathe caught in her throat for the searing pain.

But it never came. Lewis turned away from before heading towards the steps, “Maybe we’ll continue this later.” And with that he was gone, leaving Olivia in the basement alone, pitch darkness consuming everything when he shut the light off and closed the door. Slowly Olivia sank to her knees, shaky breaths coming rapidly as she tried to steady and calm herself. He was gone for now, and she knew she couldn’t spend the entire time he was gone being terrified, she had to find some way to get some rest before he returned. So against her better judgement, Olivia closed her eyes and drifted into a fitful sleep.

**1:26PM**

_Eight hours, fifty minutes and twenty-four seconds...twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven..._

That was how long ago Olivia sent Amanda the text. Officially, Olivia and Noah had been missing for that long, they weren’t counting down the minutes or seconds on the board though, just the hour. Every minute, every second Olivia and Noah were with Lewis the greater the danger to them became, the greater the risk of injury. Everyone in that squad room knew it, but no one had the guts to say it because saying it would make it too real.

“Okay, alright. Thank you, thank you so much we’ll be down there as soon as possible.” Carisi’s voice wasn’t what caught her attention it was flailing he was doing to get her attention before hanging up the phone.

“What is it?” She was caught between wanting so badly to get some sort of information but fearing what the information would entail.

“A gas station clerk in Washingtonville shot dead, they pulled video footage, it was Lewis. We have to go, now. You’re driving.” Carisi barely had time to grab his jacket before sprinting out. And Amanda didn’t even care to grab her own jacket, just running off ahead of Carisi. It wasn’t that much of a lead, but it WAS a lead.

Fin watched as the two ran off, sighing and shaking his head before turning back to the board, “Damn…” He hissed under his breath.

“You finding a way to blame yourself too?” Rafael asked bitterly, sitting at the round table staring at his untouched coffee.

“I’ve known Liv longer than any of you, I knew that what he did affected her and I should’ve known he was gonna come after her when he got the chance.”

“I was supposed to put him away. I promised her he would spend the rest of his life in prison and now he’s doing...god only knows what to her, and to Noah.” He stopped, looking up and meeting Fin’s stare, a haunted look in his eyes, “We’re all to blame for what happens to them now, we didn’t do a good enough job of protecting her.” He trailed off, “You were right, Detective Tutuola. You should’ve shot the bastard…” The last statement was quiet. Rafael knew he shouldn’t say it, hell, when they did find them if something happened to Lewis they all could be losing their jobs over conspiracy to commit murder especially if the wrong person heard him.

“Liv’s strong counselor, stronger than you know. She’s faced down men who were equally as psychotic as Lewis, hell, she beat him once.” Fin suddenly remembered Sealview, he wondered briefly if the memories of Lowell Harris were still as vivid for Olivia, or if they’d been replaced by no doubt hellish nightmares about Lewis. He didn’t think Liv had ever told their ADA what happened, or anyone else in their squad. He was sure it didn’t matter anymore though; what happened in that prison basement was child’s play compared to Olivia’s four days in hell. “We’re gonna find him.” Then he added, “This time he isn’t gonna get off so easily.”

* * *

 

The drive from Manhattan to Washingtonville was supposed to take an hour. With the way Amanda drove it would take 45 minutes, but with Amanda’s driving and the sirens blaring and lights flashing it only took half an hour. A new record that would have to be celebrated another time, after this whole ordeal was over.

She nearly forgot to put the car in park before jumping out and walking up the tiny gas station. She shivered, but she doubted that it was from the cold. _They were here, and you missed them_ , was the thought that taunted her, they had been here and she hoped that it wasn’t too long ago. The quicker they moved the closer they got or so that what’s they’d like to believe.

“Manhattan SVU, what do we have?” Amanda pushed past a few rookies and into the station, marking straight up the deputy.

“Manhattan SVU? Shouldn’t state patrol be taking this?” He asked skeptically.

“They asked us to come up here, William Lewis is considered to be dangerous and has taken the Manhattan SVU Lieutenant and her son hostage. We worked his case and put him away, we know the most about it so they’ve given us leverage.” Carisi piped up. If looks could kill Amanda could strike down God in heaven with the look on her face.

“Alright,” He wasn’t going to argue, leading them into the back, past the body and to a small TV, “We were able to pull the footage, one camera works in here and one out there.” He started with the outside footage, a black SUV pulls up and Lewis steps out. Amanda notes the make and model but feels a twinge of frustration that they can’t see the license plate.

Her and Carisi watched as the deputy switched to the inside footage, of Lewis grabbing a few things. Cigarettes, a lighter, alcohol...Amanda suppressed the urge to shudder while Carisi watched in horror as Lewis approached the counter, talking to the man nonchalantly. He saw the telltale shifts in the clerk’s demeanor in the same way Lewis had and right before his eyes, Carisi watched as Lewis drew out a gun and shot the clerk in one fluid, unflinching movement, he didn’t miss a beat; grabbing the bag of items and walking out without even so much as a glance in the clerk’s direction.

His lips moved wordlessly as he said a quick prayer, looking at the deputy, “Did the camera’s catch which way he was headed?”

“Yes, but there’s something else.” He switched to the outside footage, to Lewis walking out and to the car and- Their hearts sunk when they saw him get into the backseat.

“He was in the backseat for five minutes, unfortunately these cameras can't see into cars so we don't know what happened.”

But Carisi and Amanda could only conclude it had something to do with Noah. They watched as he got out of the backseat and into the front with a smug look on his face, starting up the car and heading north. The only glimpse of Olivia they caught was as he pulled away. The camera picked up Olivia slumped in the front seat, crying.

Amanda couldn’t take it, turning on her heel and running out of the room. She only had a second to inhale fresh air when she got outside before her stomach lurched and she emptied what little contents she had in her stomach on the side of that rickety old gas station.

Carisi stayed a second, taking a slow breath to keep calm, to try and ignore the gnawing feeling in his stomach.

“What’s wrong with your partner?” The deputy asked, not understanding the weight of the situation.

“We have reason to believe that he may have hurt the boy in the backseat...I...We have to go. Thank you, for showing us this footage.” And with that Carisi walked outside, hesitantly approaching Amanda as she coughed, putting a hand on her shoulder, “Come on…” He led her to the car and he pushed her into the passenger side before getting into the driver’s side.

“He hurt him!” Amanda wailed out through heavy breathes, “Olivia wouldn’t be crying unless he hurt Noah! Oh, God.” She ran her hands frantically through herself, taking a few more deep breaths. She needed to calm down, she was no use to them and no help to Olivia if she was hysterical like this.

“We...We don’t know that.” He knew it was a stupid thing to say but he said it anyway, in the hopes that it would calm her down. She only shot him a glare before pulling out her phone and dialing Fin, “Hey, Fin! It’s Rollins.” She managed to suppress the fear in her voice, “We saw video footage of him leaving a gas station here in Washingtonville, and he was headed north driving a black SUV, we couldn’t see the plates. That’s all we know.” And with that she hung up, motioning for Carisi to drive.

He complied, but not before asking, “You didn’t tell them...about,” he couldn't bring himself to say it.

“They don’t need to know that he hurt Noah.” She sniffled, “Not right now anyways. Not until we know where he has them."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Just wanted to quickly thank everyone whose read them and commented on it, it means so much to me. Sorry that this was a bit of a shorter chapter, but I do like to keep you guys waiting to see what's going to happen next. But this is also just a quick note that this may be the last chapter for a while at least. Finals season is upon us and I've got a lot of work to do before it's over. So again, thank you and hang tight! Once finals are over I should be back to writing regularly.


	7. Chapter 7

**3:34PM**

William Lewis had to admit, he was pretty damn proud of himself. Four years out of the game hadn’t lessened his skills and it wasn’t as if this was some garden variety victim. This was THE Olivia Benson and her little boy. Two hours outside of Manhattan, in a secluded cabin in the woods.

So he would wait, as he’d done with some many other victims countless other times. The longer he waited, the more hope they had that he wouldn’t do it, or, in Olivia’s case, that her team would rescue her before he got the chance to have his way with her. Four years had made him, well, incredibly bitter, about the whole situation and he wanted to see the hope in her eyes die when he finally took her, he wanted to break her so badly that she would  **beg** him to end her life,  **beg** him to spare her the shame of facing her team, the world, and especially her son.

So he figured he could pass the time by screwing around with the brat. He had to admit, he had some sort of...fascination with the boy. Noah was, by default, an extension of his mother. Yet he was also something entirely different; something innocent and moldable. 

When he entered the tiny bedroom he had shoved the boy into he noted that immediately Noah’s eyes were on him, holding his breath as if waiting for something bad to happen. Lewis lingered in the door frame for a minute, just staring at him. 

“Where’s mommy?” The boy’s voice was barely above a whisper and he hesitated saying it for fear of what the answer might be.

“She’s in the basement and she’s fine,” He paused, “for now.” And with that he took a step into the room and shut the door behind him, leaning against it, “You’re still scared of me.” It was more a statement than a question.

“You’re a bad man.”   
  
“Oh? And why is that, because your mommy told you? You can’t trust everything your mommy says. At some point you have to make up your own opinions.” He walked slowly over to the side of the bed, noting the way Noah tensed up, ready to scramble away at any second. Instead he stood there by the side of the bed and pulled out the phone, “Let me give you a little life lesson Noah. Don’t be so trusting. There were plenty of smart ladies like your mama who trusted me. Do you know where they are now?”

Noah shook his head.

“They’re all hiding, just like your mama tried to hide from me, tried to hide  **you** from me.” He smiled at the thought of his living victims, cowering in fear, unable to form relationships, their lives crumbling before them. All except Olivia Benson.

“You hurt me.” Noah finally whispered, looking up at Lewis with fearful eyes.

“I didn’t hurt you, if you thought that was hurting you then I'm afraid you haven’t seen anything yet. Besides, it’s not like I wanted to; I had to. Your mommy had to be taught a lesson, and that was that she can’t lie to me anymore.”

Noah looked as if he wanted to protest, as if he wanted to tell him that his mommy wasn’t a liar. But after the events of that morning Noah didn’t know what to believe, he didn’t know if his mommy really was telling the truth.

“Who do you miss the most?” He asked suddenly changing the subject.

“Huh?” Noah asked confused.

“Who do you miss the most?" He repeated, giving a slight groan out of frustration at the confusion playing out on the boy's face, "From home, I mean.” He clarified.

“Uncle Rafa.” Noah didn’t have to think about it. He loved all of his family, but he particularly liked Uncle Rafa; he was nice, he would bring him little gifts and if he was there at bedtime he would read Noah a bedtime story.

“Uncle Rafa?” It took him a couple moments to put it all together, figure out  **who** Uncle Rafa was and then, just like that, it clicked. “They’re your family aren’t they? They helped her raise you.” Lewis mumbled, more to himself than to Noah. It made sense and suddenly he felt stupid for not realizing it sooner! Olivia’s family  **was** her squad, they supported her throughout his entire trial, they fought like hell to make sure he got put away and now? Now they were helping her raise this little boy that sat in front of him.

It also meant that this was personal for the entire unit. They all hated him, they all knew what he was capable of and now he had two of the most important people in their lives. The closer they were the harder this fall would be for them, all of them. He couldn’t help but chuckle, this was almost too perfect!

“Hey Noah? You wanna make another phone call?”

 

**3:57PM**

“Damn alright, if something pops up make sure you call us immediately.” Fin hung up the phone. Another call to another precinct and nothing. Not many places up there by the mountains had street cams that would have picked up Lewis and even if they had he could have switched the plates. A black SUV was like finding a needle in a haystack, they didn’t expect to get anywhere with it anyway.

“Nothing?” Barba asked after observing the sergeant's frustration.

“Nothing, I mean this-”

The soft chime of a phone broke their conversation. Barba turned; it was his phone, he told Carmen to take call of his calls, there was no reason for someone to call his cell phone when they could have called his office! He sure as hell wasn’t much good to anyone right then! Plucking it off the table carefully he took a look at the bright screen.

Glaring back at him was an ‘Unknown Number’ on the screen, the phone vibrating in his hands, chiming away, alerting him endlessly to this video call, “I don’t know what to do.” Suddenly panic gripped him. An unknown number meant one of two things; another death threat, or William Lewis. Rafael almost wished it was a death threat, “What do I do?” He choked out, clutching the phone so hard his knuckles turned white.

“Answer it, you have to answer it.” Fin herded him into Liv’s office.

“What about TARU?”

“We don’t have time for that Barba, you need to answer it.” Fin glanced outside of the office; there was no way that he would be on the phone long enough for a trace, he was smarter than that.

Rafael stared at the screen of his phone, still hearing the chime of his ringtone, almost mockingly. It was such a pleasant little tone, it didn’t quite match the severity, the foreboding energy that was radiating out of his phone with every chime. He had to answer, he had to be strong and he had to be prepared for whatever horrors awaited him on the other side of that screen. He sucked down a deep breath before hitting the little green telephone, the screen popping up to reveal nothing but blackness. Fin and Rafael both held their breaths.

“Is this ADA Rafael Barba?” 

Rafael resisted the urge to shudder at his voice, it was almost too calm, “Yes.”

Not a moment later did the blackness on screen fade away and lift to reveal little Noah sitting on a bed, teary eyed, “Noah say hi to your Uncle Ra-fa.” Lewis teased, putting an emphasis on the nickname.

“Uncle Rafa…” Noah said softly.

Rafael and Fin could only watch in horror and dismay as Noah’s expression devolved from composed and afraid into a panicked expression as the tears started, “Uncle Rafa I’m scared! I want to go home!” He hiccuped in between sobs.

“Noah,  _ mijo, _ ” His voice cracked slightly, inwardly cursing himself, “We are going to find you and mommy okay? I need you to stay strong for her, she needs you okay?” Rafael didn’t know what else to say. There was nothing he could do, he was completely powerless in this situation and he hated it. Here was the little boy he loved and adored, scared and in danger and there was nothing he could do to help him. So he decided he would have to take a risk, “Noah? Noah where’s mommy?” He asked, praying that Lewis would let the game get to his head. He needed the bastard to slip up, just once that’s all he needed.

“She’s in the basement, he won’t let me see her anymore!” Noah wept.

“I know you’re not a detective Mr. Barba so I don’t expect your questions to be perfect but isn’t there a more important question you should be asking little Noah here?” He taunted.

Rafael swallowed dryly, “Noah, can you tell me where you are?”

Noah shook his head, “I don’t know.” His eyes darted from side to side anxiously, “I’m sorry…” He whimpered.

“Aw it’s okay Noah.” Lewis pretended to comfort the boy, “It’s not your fault you don’t know, you were sleep-ing.” Again he placed the emphasis on the syllables of the last two words and Rafael knew exactly what he was doing. This wasn’t just a phone call to taunt  _ them _ , this was to tear Noah apart, piece by little piece. He didn’t need to be physically violent towards Noah, what he was doing mentally to the boy was torture enough.

“I-It’s okay Noah, it’s okay.” Rafael comforted, “We are going to find you and your momma, okay?” He knew it probably sounded dumb, it was probably something that Olivia had already told Noah but he didn’t know what else he could say to calm the boy. He just wanted to see him smile, he wanted to cuddle him and sit on the couch and watch disney movies again.

“He’s gonna hurt mommy,” Noah’s bottom lip quivered as he wiped at her teary eyes, “Mommy said so, she said I have to be good, but I don’t want to, I want to go home and I want mommy to be okay!” He blurted out, “We’re in a cab-” There was a loud rustling noise then.

“Ah, ah, ah! Noah! I told you the rules, why do you have to try and break them? Be a little less like your mama, if she didn’t break the rules you wouldn’t be here!” He scolded. 

“I hate you, I hate you!” Noah screamed. That was the last thing Rafael and Fin heard for 10 seconds, when everything came back into focus, Rafael was staring face to face with Lewis, a smirk on his face.

“ _ Mijo, _ ” he imitated, “That means ‘son’ right? You and Olivia get that close huh? That’s a serious conflict of interest Mr. Barba.”

“Leave him alone.” Rafael hissed, shaking his head, “You leave Noah alone.”

“No I don’t think so. I think I’m gonna keep him.” Lewis started, “You know before this I never thought about what would happen when I died, what legacy I’m gonna leave behind...Who’s gonna take over for me.” Rafael could tell what he was getting at and he didn’t like it not one bit, “When you fail to find me, by the time you find Olivia’s body I’ll be long gone and so will Noah.”

“No!” Rafael shook his head, sudden panic gripping him.

Lewis didn’t respond to that, simply smirking, “Now if you don’t mind I believe Olivia and I have a date with destiny. Bye bye,  _ Uncle Rafa. _ ” 

And then the screen went black.

 

**6:32PM**

Olivia woke up with a sharp inhale at the sound of the door opening. She scrambled upright, hissing when the cuff bit into her wrist. The lights switched on and Olivia squinted from the sharp and sudden brightness. She wondered what time it was, how long she’d been out but she didn’t get the chance to try and gauge it before he had come down the stairs and turned to her, expression unreadable as usual.

“What time is it?” Olivia dared to ask.

Lewis shrugged, “I don’t know, I would ask you but seeing as you’re down here in the dark you can’t be tell. I got bored of Noah so I decided to come back down here, maybe you’re up to being a little more agreeable now.”

Olivia immediately felt a wave of anxiety wash over her, “What did you do.”

“Nothing yet. He and I talked.” He lit up a cigarette casually “You know he’s probably one of the most innocent kids I’ve ever met? I guess that’s no surprise seeing as he’s got a paranoid sheltering mother whose only family is the people she works with.” There was a pause as he took a long drag before looking at her, “I’m gonna be the one to take away all that innocence. No matter how this ends I can promise you he will never ever be that little boy again.”

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath, willing away that thought. She couldn’t bring herself to think about that, not yet anyway.

“Well I guess...we should get to the main event hm?” Lewis asked lazily, side eyeing her to gauge a reaction.

Olivia swallowed thickly, finding that her throat had become dry and constricted. This was coming, she had known that, but it didn’t make it any easier to come to terms with. She didn’t want to panic, she wanted to keep a stone cold expression and maybe if she didn’t fight him he wouldn’t go through with it…She knew what to expect, she’d only gone over his case file maybe 100 times in the past 4 years, she knew what he did to his victims and she had seen just about the worst of the worst in her 19 years at SVU. It wasn’t even the physical pain she was worried about shockingly, so much as it was the emotional scars she would face once it was over. If she made it out alive would she be able to return to SVU, everyone knowing she was a victim? How would she explain all of this to Noah now versus when he grows old enough to understand what was done to her? Would she be able to live with herself knowing that she was violate in much the same way as her mother, as if it truly was her fate?

The sound of the cuff around her wrist falling to the ground with a dull scrape brought her back from her thoughts, she jumped slightly at it, pulling her wrist to her chest and rubbing the raw area, “What-?” She was about to ask, confused as to why now would he uncuff her.

“You are going to comply with my every demand, now.” Again his tone was cold, unemotional as he gestured to her clothing with the gun as leverage. He didn’t need to say it for her to know what he wanted.

Olivia saw where this was headed and she wasn’t going to stand for it, shaking her head, “No, I am not going to..to be complicit. If you’re going to rape me then you’re going to rape me, there’s no other way around it.” She couldn’t bear the thought of listening to him, taking her clothes off because he asked, doing what he asked her to do. She knew in her head it would still be rape but she also knew how much doubt it would cast if she complied now, how much people already had trouble believing her because of what he said in the courtroom…

Surprisingly Lewis stayed eerily calm, she had expected him to snap again but no, he shrugged, “Well alright.” He took a step towards her, “How about we play a game then, hm? A game with Noah.” Olivia didn’t like where this was headed, “It’s a fairly simple game, you and I played it and I’m sure you’ll remember.” He turned away from her and walked towards the stairs, stopping when his foot hit the bottom step, “It’s the same game I played with you and Liz Mayer. If don’t feel like cooperating then Noah will sit here and he will watch every awful thing I do to you and if he dares to close his eyes then well...you’ll suffer the consequences. How do you think a game like that would affect him?”

Olivia’s eyes widening and she shook her head, “No don’t-” But he was already headed up the stairs, “Lewis don’t-! Don’t!” She yelled, a sob catching in her throat, “Please! Please, I’ll do whatever you want.” She cried out in defeat, a last ditch attempt to spare Noah that trauma. 

He stopped at the door and turned around, heading back down the stairs, a smirk on his face, “I thought that might change your mind. Now…” He gestured again to her, waiting expectantly.

Olivia’s carefully built facade cracked, her shaking hands gave away her absolute despair in that moment as she peeled back the layers of her clothing. First her shoes, then her sweater, even slower her pants. Standing there in the basement she felt a sudden chill hit her, causing her to shiver though she didn’t think it was because of the temperature. She looked at him, standing there in her undergarments while his eyes raked over every inch of her.

When he chuckled Olivia betrayed herself, the tears started streaming down her face and no matter how hard she tried to wipe all of them away it kept coming. Part of her wished that he would just get it over with instead of dragging it out like this.

“Crying already? I haven’t even touched you yet.” He sauntered up to her, she couldn’t look at him, still blinding wiping away her tears. He idly played with a piece of her hair, fully intent on dragging this assault out as long as possible, “Your hair,” He started, “I’m glad you grew it out, it looks nice. I can’t tell you how upset I was to see you chopped all of it off after our time together, I always did say it was one of your better features.”

“You don’t wanna do this…” Her voice was thick with tears yet unshed, her tone was sullen. She knew it was a stupid thing to say, it didn’t make any sense.

Of course all he gave a dry laugh, “Actually I think I do.” She didn’t understand how he could sound so...she wasn’t quite sure, it seemed to be a mix of amusement and power, lusting in a way.

“I should’ve shot you when I had the chance.”

“Well you didn’t honey, and it’s a little late now.” He brushed the gun across her collarbone, intentionally pressing the cold steal a little harder on her burn, causing her to whimper and pull back, “I didn’t say you could stop there.”

Olivia resisted the urge to hit him, she resisted everything inside of her that screamed to fight him, to do something to subdue him. It was unrealistic, there was no way that she was going to be able to subdue him, he would put a bullet in her without a second thought and then she’d be leaving her son alone with him. She couldn’t do that. Instead she would have to listen and she would have bare the scars, she would close her eyes and endure.

Shaky hands went behind her to unclip her bra, letting it fall to the ground in front of her and immediately wrapping her arms around her chest modestly. Suddenly she couldn’t remember a time in her life when she was this vulnerable. Exposed to the last man on earth she wanted to be exposed to. She heard him clear his throat, not daring to look up to read his expression, she didn’t have to, already knowing what was catching his impatience.

Her arms felt heavy all of a sudden and that feeling of despair gripped her so tightly she didn’t think she could move. Suddenly she looked up at him, a deer in the headlights look in watery, tear-filled eyes. She didn’t even think she could speak.

“You’re beautiful,” Lewis brought a hand up to caress her cheek, relishing in the confused look on Olivia’s face; the way her brow furrowed, tears dripping down her cheeks, the way her nose scrunched up slightly and when she inhaled, seemingly with a question on her lips, “You know, I’ve never wanted anyone more.” His voice was soft, endearingly almost, his hand trailing down her face, resting on her shoulder lightly.

He saw the confused look melt into a despair that seemed entirely new to her, a sob gurgling in the back of her throat, threatening to force its way out.

“You should consider yourself lucky, not many men would escape prison and then come back for a woman.” His hand trailed lazily across her collarbone, suddenly she became hyper aware that she still had her necklace on, “I could have been in Canada by now, but I came back for you now if that’s not love, I don’t know what is.” A silence settled across them, his fingers curled around the pendant, Olivia closed her eyes, “Fearlessness huh?” He chuckled and for a split second Olivia thought my might rip it off of her neck, but he let it fall back against her chest, “Not so fearless now are you?” His voice was barely above a whisper.

She didn’t understand how he was able to lay utter waste to her mental space, how he hadn’t even touched her yet, he hadn’t even raped her yet and she was already utterly devastated. Love, yeah, that was laughable. Obsession was more like it, some fucked up psycho obsessed with tearing her life apart so he could be king of the ashes. When she tried to speak up she found her voice was quiet, crackling on every word, “You aren’t capable of love you just want to make others suffer. You’re a psychopath.”

He stifled a laugh, “Tell that to my lawyers. They all thought I loved them, that I was an innocent man in the wrong place at the wrong time, unfairly persecuted by the authorities. How is Vanessa by the way? Could she even face you knowing that she’s the only reason I was able to get to you and, of course, her dear old mom and dad.”

Olivia shook her head, turning away from him, sniffling. She couldn’t stand the way he was staring at her, it burned her skin, she just wanted the humiliation to be over.

However she supposed her body had not yet resigned to it because when she felt a cold hand move down and tug lightly at the waistband of her underwear on reflex she shoved him, scrambling backwards out of fear.

He had of course, seemed to anticipate this, because it barely seemed to affect him. The only telltale sign of emotion was an irritated roll of the eyes, “Gimme your hands.”

“What?”

“You heard me, give me your hands.”

“No.” Olivia shook her head. It would mean that she would be exposed to him and the thought of that was too much to bare. When he pulled at her arms with an irritated look she fought him, shaking her head, “No!” It didn’t take more than a minute for him to let go of her before backhanding her. This time Olivia wasn’t able to keep her footing, hitting the ground with a thud and a dazed expression on her face.

“What the fuck did I say about fighting me, huh?” He seemed a little out of breath, his hands shaking slightly from anger, “That was really, really stupid Olivia. I don’t know if I can forgive you for that one.”

Olivia turned him, biting her lip so hard she could have drawn blood. She had a split second to make a decision. She could comply and PRAY that he forgave her actions, or she could continue in her defiance, resulting in traumatizing mental scars that likely would last Noah the rest of his life. So she decided, turning to him and pulling her arms away from her chest, holding them out to him, “I’m sorry…” She said quietly, her voice thick and garbled with tears.

“Really?” Lewis shook his head, “You think you can just say you’re sorry and I’ll forgive you? Come on Olivia, that’s really fucking weak.” Nonetheless he had harshly grabbed one of her wrists and slapped a cuff on it, “You’re lucky I’m too turned on to go through the process of dragging your brat down here and explaining the game to him, he won’t get lucky a second time.” With that he looped the other cuff behind the support pole before yanking Olivia’s other arm backwards and cuffing it, giving a smirk, “It’ll be a little harder to pull this out than it was with the bedpost.”

Olivia couldn’t hold back a whimper, squeezing her eyes closed when she saw him staring at her. It was when she felt his hand run down her stomach and play with the hemline of her underwear that she had to swallow the sobs that threatened to come out. Unspoken pleas died in her throat before they even reached her lips. She knew that neither words nor tears would save her, not now, and especially not for him.

The tears came with reckless abandon when pulled down her underwear, leaving her completely exposed. The tears seeped out despite keeping her eyes closed. There was nothing left for her to pray for. The cavalry was not going to rescue her in time and for that a part of her felt disappointed. But another part of her had known the whole time that the reason she risked a text to Amanda was for Noah. This wasn’t about keeping herself safe anymore, this was about keeping Noah safe; safe from harm both physically and mentally.

So she would keep her eyes closed and endure.

The next thing she felt was her back against the cold ground, her arms stretched almost painful above of her head because of the cuffs. She felt his hands on her body, barely ghosting over her skin. No amount of showers would erase that feeling; it was a part of her body’s memory now. She would live with it for the rest of her life, no matter how long or short that would be.

“Olivia…” He purred, teasing her. It was entirely William Lewis, entirely how he lingered in her memories and manifested in her nightmares. She was sure that she would never forget that voice, no matter how hard she tried, “Open your eyes baby, look at me.”

She shook her head, a whine gurgling in her throat, eyes squeezed tightly. She felt one of his hands trail up her body before grabbing her face harshly, “I’m only gonna ask once, sweetheart.” Again his tone was teasing but underlying was something...dangerous. His fuse was short and it was growing shorter by the second.

Olivia took a gulp of air, opening her eyes to see him staring down at her, their faces inches apart. He wore such a smug look on his face, so superior...He flashed her a grin, “There you are!” For a moment she imagined knocking his damned teeth out, she wished she really could.

  
And just like that she felt the boiling rage turn down to a simmer, until it boiled no longer and instead turned cold and to Olivia’s horror the fear set in, and so did the tears that burned her eyes.

“Don’t-” She choked out.

“Oh honey,” He chuckled, “It’s a little late for that.” And with that he forced a kiss on her, grabbing and squeezing her with rough hands, relishing in the whimpers and whines that forced themselves up from Olivia’s throat, pressing kisses to her face and tasting the salt from her tears. 

When he pulled back briefly she was breathing deeply, on the brink of sobs but not quite there yet, she had her eyes squeezed shut, struggling to keep calm.

“I would take a nice deep breath if I were you, I have a feeling that this might hurt.”

And he had been right. 

The feeling of him forcing himself inside of her felt as if she was being ripped in two. She cried out in agony, biting down on her bottom lip so hard it bled. There was only one thing Olivia was certain of in that moment, that he had ripped away a piece of her that had been buried deep down inside. A piece of her that she would never get back.

 

For the first time since the trial of William Lewis 4 years prior, Olivia Benson wished she was dead.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprised I was able to add another chapter so soon? So am I! I'm in the middle of finals week and afterwards it might be a few weeks before I get out a good solid chapter so I wanted to add another update as quick as possible before I disappear for a bit so here it is!

**6:46PM**

Amanda couldn’t bring herself to eat. Carisi had gotten her favorite dish from her favorite takeout place and it just sat in front of her getting colder and colder by the minute. Everytime she tried to pick up the fork and take a bite she felt a wave of nausea overcome her, nearly making her gag.

  
She wasn’t the only one though it seemed; looking around at the rest of the squad she could see none of that had touched a bite of their food. It was the sound of her little girl’s voice that brought her out of her thoughts.

“Mommy! Mommy!” She turned to see the little girl practically sprinting across the squadroom, away from Lucy who was scolding her. Amanda picked up her little girl, hugging her tightly. It was a welcome feeling, to see her daughter again, especially after a day of being no closer to finding them.

“Hi sweetie...Mommy missed you.” She kissed her daughter’s head, giving Lucy a thankful smile.

“Mommy?”

“Yes sweetie?”

“Where’s Noah?” She asked softly, an innocent look on her face. It yanked at her heart-strings. Of course, Jesse was wondering where her friend was and...Amanda didn’t know what to tell her.

Carisi had seen the trapped look in Amanda’s eyes.  _ Uncle Sonny to the rescue... _ He thought, going over and plastering a goofy smile on his face before gently taking Jesse into his arms, “Noah and Aunt Liv are missing-” Out of the corner of his eye he could see Amanda tense up, he was certain if he wasn’t holding her daughter then she would have knocked him clean out, “But we’re gonna find them ok? I’m sure when they come back you and Noah can play all you want.” Relief washed over him when Jesse nodded and smiled, “Now how about we go see what’s in the vending machines, huh?” And with that he took his opportunity to exit, toddler in hand.

“Any word?” Lucy asked anxiously.

“Nothing...We don’t…” Amanda sighed, “He called us to taunt us early this morning. We haven’t heard anything since. He’s gotta slip up eventually.”

“Do you want me to take Jesse for the night?” Lucy offered.

“If it’s not too much trouble...I don’t think I can go home while they’re…” She trailed off, running a hand through her hair. Lucy gave a slow nod before going off to get the girl from Carisi.

It was then that, much to their dismay, Chief Dodds had walked back into the squad room, looking just as frazzled as the rest of them, “1PP keeps calling, do you have anything?” He sounded desperate, Fin could have laughed.

“No, we know that he stopped at that gas station in Washingtonville, he grabbed booze and cigarettes and he shot the clerk, when he went back to the car…” She paused briefly, the memory of 5 minutes burned into her head, “They headed north.”

Too bad that he had managed to pick up on it, narrowing his eyes, “Detective Rollins, what are you not telling us.”

Well, she supposed she should just rip the bandaid off while everyone was there, “There was...5 minutes of time, when he exited the building he got into the backseat, when he got out…” She suddenly felt sick, her voice becoming clouded with tears, “when he got out and started to head north the video picked up Olivia crying in the front seat.”

“What- Rollins, why would you have waited to tell us!?” Rafael devolved into anger in a second, “Why would you withhold that information!”

“Because it was only going to add extra stress! We don’t know what he did to Noah, we can’t say that he even definitively  _ did _ anything!”

  
“Oh come on, you know that’s crap Rollins! We all know what he does, how he plays this game- You know he CALLED me, he had Noah crying on the other end, he told me he-” It took Fin all of 30 seconds to get over the outburst from their usually calm and collected ADA, now two inches from Amanda and yelling at her.

“Hey- Hey!” He snapped, “Barba take it outside, now.” He took a step between the two. Never had he seen the man look so angry and never had he seen Amanda look like such a deer in the headlights.

“What did he tell you?” She asked softly, suddenly seeing tears fill their ADA’s eyes.

“He told Fin and I that when he goes, Noah goes with him. If we don’t find them soon we are going to be recovering Liv’s body and we will NEVER see Noah again.” Barba turned away from her, rubbing at his eyes furiously. He felt sick to his stomach thinking about it.

Chief Dodds stood back and observed the uncomfortable exchange. He and Olivia had their fair share of differences in the past and of course what happened to Mike affected that. He knew what it was like to lose a child, and he saw the relationship between Olivia and her son. When he lost Mike at least he knew that he was in a better place, but this? If Olivia died and Noah disappeared he knew that her spirit would never be at rest and likely would haunt all of them until their dying breaths. It was a real possibility that if they lost Noah that Dodds would be looking for a new team to work Manhattan SVU. This one would either crumble from the guilt or they would go rogue trying to get Noah back.

“I need some air.” Rafael finally choked out, pushing past Dodds and heading for the door.

Amanda sat down slowly, running a hand through her hair and looking at Fin. Part of her hoped that Barba was lying, he was just being cruel but the look on his face said otherwise. She let a sob escape, putting her hand over her mouth to muffle it as tears clouded her vision. This changed things, she wondered for a horrifying second if Lewis had told Olivia that he was planning on taking her son. The thought of it was too much to bear, the horror she would feel, the despair at the fact that there was little, if anything, she could do to save Noah, “What else did he say.” She steadied her voice, looking at Fin in desperation, “What else did he say!?”

“He just said that he was going to keep Noah that he hadn’t thought about who was...going to take over for him.” Fin felt uncomfortable even saying it.

Amanda ran her hands through her hair, feeling the wetness of tears on her face at the thought. Noah was good, he was the sweetest little boy she knew and if they didn’t do something then Lewis was going to take him and raise him the way he wanted, “It’s not enough for him to take Olivia’s whole life away from her but now he has to say he’s going to take Noah and raise him to be a  _ monster  _ just like him?!” Amanda’s breathing was labored, “Oh God…”

“But that’s not important right now, we don’t even know if he’s telling the truth or if he’s saying that to fuck with us, but we have to focus on finding them. We have to think about this. He’s not the same rat bastard he was four years ago. He’s smart, he took Liv and he took Noah, he didn’t have to-” Fin was cut off by a voice from the doorway. Rafael had taken a moment to go outside, get some fresh air before coming back in.

“Yes he did.” He sighed, “He’s using Noah as leverage, he knows that Olivia would die for him and he’s using that against her until the very end. Rollins you said that he was headed north?”

“We don’t think he’s got a reason to try and flee to Canada and anyway we’ve already got those on lockdown, the entire state of New York is on lockdown to find him.”

“He’s keeping them here, in the state. This is a game, he wouldn’t have called us if it wasn’t. He wants us to trip over our own feet trying to find them before he does something awful,” He was quiet for a second, “Wait a minute, wait. Fin, when he had Noah on the phone he was about to tell us something and Lewis cut him off, it was something about where they were...What about a cabin? The winter season is over, it’s May. What if he’s got her and Noah in a cabin somewhere upstate?”

“The question is where? There are cabins all over upstate New York...It has to be somewhere north past Washingtonville, but that’s still too much area to search. It’d take days, hell, weeks even to check all of that.”

They all had to swallow that hard pill then; they were back at square one and Olivia was running on borrowed time.

 

**7:02PM**

Olivia wasn’t sure how long it had been, at some point she ability to cry out and whimper had left her. At some point her eyes had glazed over as she turned her head to wall, staring into nothingness.

But she was able to know it was over. She could feel him pull away from her, the twinge of pain and a dull, unfamiliar ache replaced it, drifting her in and out of consciousness. She couldn’t even process what had happened, a small part of her whispering,  _ “It’s okay, everyone deals with trauma differently. Every victim takes time to process what’s happened to them, take your time.”  _ She could have laughed at that voice, instead she felt anger, instead she wished she could have snapped back,  _ “I don’t want to take my time! I’m fine! I’m fine…”  _ It would be a lie and everyone would know it. 

It was when he finally spoke that she found mind being dragged back, kicking and screaming, to face reality. He gave a breathy laugh, he was kneeling by her now, he had redressed, his hair was in disarray and he wore that same superior smirk, “Wow, that…” A laugh bubbled up again, “That was more than worth the four years of prison. I mean  _ that _ ,” he paused, leaning down and forcing her to sit up, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. She hissed in pain, glancing over when he pulled away to see a bright red bite mark, he’d bit her? When had he done that? She couldn’t remember, unable to meet his gaze when he finished his sentence barely above a whisper, “that was something truly special.”

Olivia had been fine, she thought that accepting that he had raped her would help her be stronger but as soon as he finished that sentence she felt her throat constrict and she choked out a sob, pulling her knees up to her chest, practically curling in on herself defensively, well, as much as she could curl in on herself with the cuffs biting painfully in her skin. Her arms were killing her...

She’d won the battles but he’d won the war. It took four years of course but he still managed to get the ultimate victory. He had taken away from her the one thing that she valued as much as her child; and that was her ability to consent, her ability to  _ choose _ . He had to admit the power he had over her at that point made him delirious, “I guess you’ll be wanting to get dressed huh? You wouldn’t want Noah to see you like this, I mean, not that I’d mind.”

It took her a moment to muster up the courage to look at his again, a slightly desperate look in her eyes, waiting expectantly.

Lewis stared at her, taking the longest time to reply.

“Beg.”

“What?”

“You heard me sweetheart, beg.” 

So the humiliation of rape wasn’t enough for him then. He had to further assert control over Olivia, he had to rip away any last piece of dignity she had.

“No? Okay, but I’m not quite sure how you’re going to explain all this to Noah.”

“Please,” her voice was cracked, it was quiet and weak, “Please uncuff me.”

“It’s a start.” He shrugged, pulling out the key from his back pocket, taking extra time to slowly unlock the cuffs and pulling them away from her wrists. Olivia let her arms fall limply, pulling them forward slowly and letting out a loud whimper. She rolled her shoulders with some difficulty, hissing in pain at how tight her muscles felt. She glanced at him cautiously, fully aware he was side eyeing her as he lit up a cigarette. Slowly she reached for her underwear, pulling them up her legs with a little bit of difficulty. She thought that perhaps it would provide her some comfort, some way of feeling less exposed, it didn’t help of course, he’d ripped that protected feeling from her and it wasn’t ever coming back.

When she reached her bra with one arm, the other covering her chest, he had snatched the other end of it, giving her a smirk. Olivia wasn’t about to fight over it with him. Fine, if he wanted to keep her bra like some garden variety perv she would let him, letting go and snatching her sweater, slipping it over her head.

It was when she reached for her pants and he grabbed the waistband that the problem arose, and Olivia felt tears building anew in her eyes, “Lewis-”   


“I don’t think you’ll be needing these, we are far from done yet sweetheart.” He held onto them, eyes locking with hers, waiting to see if she would relent.

She didn’t, giving a harsh tug on them, “Lewis, Noah can’t see me like this!” She didn’t mean to raise her voice the way she did and she didn’t realize she had snapped at him until she saw the amused surprise on his face.

“Well, I didn’t realize you were in any position to make demands Lieutenant!” His mouth turned up in a smirk, but his eyes held something dangerous. He let go of the pants, keeping his eyes on her as she stumbled backwards a little bit. For a moment Olivia thought he was giving up, but the second she twitched he had grabbed her left wrist and squeezed painfully hard. She felt a searing pain shoot up her arm, whimpering before shaking her head and trying to pull away, “Stop, stop!” 

He didn’t even seem phased, hell, he didn’t even blink; blank eyes meeting panicked ones as he began to twist her arm.

  
It was too much to bear for Olivia, dropping the pants and crying out from pain, trying uselessly to pry his hand off of her. Fo r a second she thought he was actually going to snap her arm, but at the last second he let go of her and Olivia collapsed to the ground, clutching her arm to chest protectively, taking deep breaths. Her eyes clouded over for a moment, everything became fuzzy and she thought she might almost pass out. When she looked up and her vision cleared he had picked up her pants and bra, looking down at her, “Maybe next time you’ll think twice before thinking you have any say in what happens here.” He hissed, grabbing the cuffs and putting them in his back pocket, “I think I can trust you enough to leave you uncuffed, after all, if you escape you leave Noah behind. See you later sweetheart, if I were you I’d get some rest.” And he pulled her forward, kissing her briefly before turning away and walking up the stairs.

Olivia sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, holding her breath, wondering if he had lied and he was going to come back down for round 2. When it didn’t happen she stood up, hissing in pain when she took a step forward. Everywhere there was a dull ache, the pain radiating out from her center. She sat back down and pulled her knees to her chest, whispering softly to herself, “My name is Olivia Benson, I’m a Lieutenant with 19 years of experience with the Manhattan Special Victims Unit…” She sighed, “And I will get through this.”

* * *

“Noah!” Lewis called, watching as the boy scrambled upright in bed, his face still wet with tears. He chuckled, “Still crying?”

The boy laid back down, pulling a blanket over himself, but that didn’t deture Lewis who strode in as if nothing was wrong, “It’s late, and I’ll willing to bet that you’re probably hungry, yes?”

No response.

“...No? Alright, I’ll just be going then. I’m locking the door for the night too and...there isn’t anything left here so it’ll be awhile.” Lewis turned walking to the door slowly, lingering in the doorway. He had the door half closed when he heard the blanket rustle and a little voice come from the room:

“Wait-!”

When he poked his head back in the boy was sitting up in bed, sniffling, wiping at his teary eyes, “I’m hungry…” He finally said softly.

“Come on then,” He opened the door, gesturing with his hand. Noah slowly got out of bed, walking to the door cautiously, stopping in his tracks and nearly jumping when Lewis spoke up again, “Hey, look at me.” He knelt down in front of Noah, brushing a hand against Noah’s cheek before wiping away the tear tracks on his cheeks, “No more tears, okay?”

Noah was too terrified to speak, only nodding. This time when Lewis took Noah’s hand he didn’t pull away. His mommy had told him that he needed to cooperate, he needed to do what Lewis told him. However when he led him out of the room and towards the front door Noah’s eyes were plastering down the hall, tugging against his hand anxiously, “Mommy…?” He questioned hesitantly.

“Mommy’s sleeping, so we don’t want to wake her. Now, let’s go get something to eat, okay?” Lewis knew it was a bit of a risk to leave the cabin with Noah, but he hadn’t taken into account until recently that he would actually have to keep the boy fed, which meant going to get something to eat. But he figured it wasn’t too much trouble. If he ended up getting caught with Noah then he didn’t care what they did to him, he’d gladly die before he told them where Olivia was and it wasn’t as if Noah even knew where they were, nevertheless lead them back to the cabin; she’d slowly waste away down there.

When he had Noah situated in the backseat he saw Noah looking out the window, “If you’re trying to figure out where we are go ahead, but we won’t be making any more phone calls so there isn’t anyone to tell.” He had expected the boy to lash out again, but he barely glanced at him. A twinge of irritation made its home in him, with Olivia all he had to do was say the right thing and she would engage him, but Noah seemed to be a little better at ignoring him, or perhaps it was that he was a child and probably couldn’t fully understand how serious the situation was.

If he was going to be raising him once he was finished with Olivia he supposed he’d better get to know him too, “How old are you Noah?”

“Four.”

“Four…” Lewis repeated slowly, “You’re smart for four, you know that?” He glanced at the boy via the rearview mirror, “I’m willing to bet you want to go into law enforcement like your momma.”

Noah nodded before adding, “Or a lawyer like Uncle Rafa.”

Lewis couldn’t help the smirk that spread across his face, chuckling to himself. How ironic would that be? A boy raised by cops and lawyers who wants to be a cop or lawyer grows up to become what he hates the most. A criminal. It had to be fate, no matter how hard Olivia denied it, that their story ended up this way. He glanced back at his little soon-to-be partner in crime, “We’re getting fast food, you got a preference?”

Noah shook his head, taking note of a sign as they entered the quiet little downtown area; Phoenecia. He would remember it this time.

This was the moment of truth. Lewis pulled up to the drive-thru of some rundown McDonalds. There didn’t seem to be too many cars at all out, sleepy town so it figures that fast food would be rare out here, “What do you want?” He asked Noah, listening as Noah mumbled his order. He wanted to snap at the boy to speak up but making him cry in public would raise suspicion that perhaps they weren’t ‘father’ and ‘son’.

When he placed the order he felt a twinge of anxiety, uncharacteristic for him, he was actually a little surprised by it himself but this was about keeping his plans in place, they could just as easily unravel here and now if he pulled up to the window and someone recognized him. Quickly he decided he needed a drink when he got back to the cabin, he felt so much better slightly buzzed anyway. He paid, grabbed the food and drove forward, immediately the anxiety was gone, and he glanced in the mirror to see Noah with a slightly disappointed look on his face, “What, you were hoping they recognized us?”

He didn’t respond, he knew better.

“Noah, remember how your mom said you have to listen to me?”

“Yeah.” Noah replied with some degree of hesitancy. He was tired of listening to Lewis, he didn’t want to listen to him anymore, but he also didn’t want mommy to get hurt. 

“From now on if we are out in public and someone asks you your name you have to say it’s Noah Williams. You understand me?” Lewis knew that if he was going to get away with this then Noah would have to take his last name. He needed Noah to know that, he needed him to cooperate.

“Why?” Noah tilted his head slightly in confusion.

“Don’t ask questions Noah, I just need you to do it, okay?”

Noah didn’t respond, a sudden panic set in. That wasn’t his name! His name was Noah Porter-Benson, it wasn’t Noah Williams! He didn’t want to be Noah Williams, he didn’t even understand why he had to call himself that now.

“Noah,” Lewis warned.

“That’s not my name!” Noah replied with a whimper.

Lewis was quiet, driving back to the cabin before getting out of the car, not bothering to address Noah as he hopped out of the backseat, walking a few steps behind him back into the cabin, glancing at him nervously. The issue arose when Noah went to grab his food and Lewis snatched the bag, holding it just out of Noah’s reach. 

“What’s your name?” Lewis asked.

“Noah!” The boy was standing on his tiptoes trying to reach it.

“Noah what?!” Lewis snapped angrily, causing the boy to shrink backwards out of fear. Quieter this time he repeated, “Noah what?”

  
Finally the boy relented, “Noah Williams…” He mumbled unhappily.

And just like that he was satisfied, handing the bag of food to Noah calmly, “Don’t forget that.” The boy stood there tensed up, unsure of what was going to happen next, waiting. Finally Lewis turned away from him, “You can go to your room.” He didn’t need to tell him twice, chuckling at the quick noise of Noah’s feet scrambling across the hardwood, and then the loud slam of the door.

“Noah Williams…” Lewis mumbled to himself, a smile tugging at his lips glancing at the door leading to the basement, “Noah Williams...I’m sure you’d love to hear him say that sweetheart.” He chortled before sitting down on the couch, food in hand. This whole day had been, well, almost like a dream for him. Here he was on top of the world, playing god with the object of his desires and hers- no,  _ their  _ precious little boy, and he had all the time in the world. He supposed that the saying ‘good things come to those who wait’ was true.

He had waited four years, and now he had everything he wanted and more. For that he supposed he had reason to celebrate, grabbing the bottle of whiskey off the table, taking a large swig. He was going to enjoy every second of this.

 

**3:34AM**

Amanda’s phone buzzed on the table, she gives a slightly wary glance at it. A regular phone call or another taunt? Perhaps Lewis would show her Olivia’s battered and raped body, laugh at her, tell her that this was her fault just like in her nightmares? Or maybe it would Olivia’s corpse, or Noah crying for her to save him or-

“Amanda?”

She didn’t remember picking up the phone and holding it her ear until she heard the soft voice on the other end.

“Amanda?” It repeated.

It took her a moment to process what was happening, who was on the other end of that phone. But when she did it took everything in her not to cry, “Nick, I’m here.”

“Amanda I…” He paused, it seemed he didn’t quite know what words to say, perhaps he had called just as automatically as she had answered, “What’s going on over there?”

She wanted to laugh, she wanted to laugh and tell him that everything was going wrong over there, that everything was falling apart, but she knew that he of course would want specifics, “He has Olivia,” She started and took a deep breath, “And he has Noah.”

Silence greeted her on the other end of the phone, it was a long silence and she didn’t dare to break it to ask if he was even still there. She knew that these things took time, that it would take him time to process it.

“I…” He started but his voice quickly died down again. He didn’t know what to say, what could he say? 

So Amanda spoke first, “We don’t know where he has them. We know he’s still in New York, just not in Manhattan...Nick?”

“Yeah,” His voice was half-hearted, slightly broken.

“She texted me,” she felt the tears bubble up in her eyes, catching the time through her watery eyes:  _ 3:36AM _ , “Twenty-four hours ago exactly she texted me telling me it was him. I didn’t see it until two hours later,” She sniffled, “This is my fault-”

“No!” He was steady and sharp this time, “No, this wasn’t your fault Amanda, and you guys are going to find them, okay?”

“No, Nick. We aren’t going to find, not in time, not before he carries about the plan he so carefully laid out to Barba in his last phone call.”

“What did he say?” Nick whispered.

“He said that when he is...finished with Olivia he is going to kill her and he,” She grabbed her cup of water and brought it shakily to her lips, taking a swig to try and parch the flames of guilt that licked at the back of her throat, “He’s going to take Noah with him, he needs someone to...carry on his legacy.” Bringing it to life with Nick over the phone somehow made her feel a little better and she wasn’t sure why, especially given the severity and the weight those words held.

“He’s not gonna get that far Amanda. You guys are smart and so is Olivia. She is going to find some way to get a clue to you, somehow. If you think Olivia is going to let Noah go without a fight then something is seriously wrong because I don’t think he’d be able to pry her cold dead fingers off of him.”

“You’re right I just can’t help but feel like this is our fault. We should have known that he was never going to leave her alone-”

“Four years Amanda. It’s been four years, you couldn’t keep looking over Liv’s shoulder for the rest of your lives, this isn’t anyone’s fault, this is Lewis. Hell, he wants you guys to be upset, to blame yourselves. You can’t let it cloud your judgement, you just have to push forward.” He paused, “I have faith in you guys, all of you. You’re going to find her, you’re going to help her through this and it’s going to be alright.”

“Thank you Nick.” She hadn’t realized until now how badly she’d needed this phone call, she had realized how much she needed to hear her friend’s voice. He was calm, unusually so especially for him but she supposed that it was better he was this way, “We’re gonna find them.” She repeated, feeling that if she said it enough times she could actually make it reality.

“Amanda? I want you to promise me one thing.” 

“What is it?” As if she didn’t already know.

“Make sure this time it doesn’t go to trial.” It wasn’t legal for him to say and it certainly wasn’t legal for her to hear but they both knew that it needed to happen. This couldn’t go to trial, Olivia couldn’t handle another trial and neither could Noah. This would end one of two ways for William Lewis and everyone knew it.

He succeeds in ending Olivia’s life and escapes with Noah to raise the boy with a warped view of the world, or he would end up with a bullet between his eyes.

 


	9. Chapter 9

_ She felt someone’s fingers in her hair, small and soft. They played idly with a loose curl and she could hear the dripping of water coming from a distant somewhere, and a soft voice. It had to be coming from whoever was touching her hair but it sounded so distant… _

_ “...ommy!” _

_ She groaned in response, the sound getting closer and closer, her eyelids felt like they must have weighed a hundred pounds. Opening them took away almost all energy she had and when she finally managed to get them open her vision was a blur. _

_ “Mommy?” _

_ She could make out a distinct shape leaning over her and as her vision cleared she put a hand to her head, groaning and sitting up, “Huh? Noah?” She turned around to see her son sitting behind her. _

_ “Mommy, she’s crying.” He said softly, staring at his mother with big eyes. _

_ “What? Who?” Suddenly confusion overtook Olivia, she looked around. This wasn’t the basement, this was… _

_ “Noah, we have to go-” _

_ “We can’t mommy, we can’t! She’s crying, you have to take care of her.” Noah tugged on his mother’s sleeve, pointing to somewhere in the room. Olivia hadn’t even thought about it until now, until Noah mentioned it. _

 

_ She could hear a baby crying. _

 

_ Slowly she turned her head, confusion apparent on her face. She took a step forward and then another, suddenly finding the process of walking incredibly strenuous. The cradle that sat by the wall seemed endlessly far away, that no matter how hard she tried she might never make it over. However she pushed forward, the cries of the infant pulling her towards it, almost hypnotically. Noah was standing next to her again, looking in the cradle and just pointing, “Mommy, mommy! She’s crying! _

_ Olivia looked into the cradle, brown eyes met vivid hazel. The crying ceased and they stared at each other in an almost serene moment of silence. Olivia held her breath for a moment, before suddenly she forgot just where she was, suddenly nothing matter but her and Noah and this baby. She lifted the infant out of the cradle and into her arms, “Hey little one...what’re you doing here?” Her voice was so quiet she almost couldn’t hear herself. _

_ The infant stared at her, unwavering, silent. _

_ “Noah who is this?” Olivia asked, breaking the gaze of the baby to look at her son. _

_ He giggled, a smile lighting up his sweet little face, “You’re silly mama!” _

_ She wasn’t picking up on something, she was  _ **_supposed_ ** _ to know who this baby was. But if she was supposed to know then why couldn’t she remember? _

_ The soft sound of waves outside of the window, crashing against the rocks brought her back to where she was, glancing around. The beach house, the metal bed frame, pain,  _ **_danger_ ** _. They needed to get out of there, “Noah we need to go.” She stood up, leaning the infant against her chest, her free hand grabbing Noah’s and walking to the door. _

_ She needs to get out; she needs to get out of there with Noah and this little baby before he- _

_ “And where do you think you’re going sweetheart?” _

_ Too late. She opened the door ready to run only to come face to face with the devil himself wearing a smug smirk, his head cocked to the side in mock confusion. She takes a step backwards, stumbling for a moment before pushing Noah behind her, holding the baby to her chest protectively. _

_ “You weren’t trying to leave, were you? You can’t leave Olivia. Noah and our little Serena here need you.” He took a step forward, touching the baby’s cheek with a smile. Olivia heard a giggle bubble up from the little bundle she was holding. _

_ No. No, no no.  _ **_NO!_ ** _ The room began to spin around her, suddenly it felt as if there was a weight on her chest, preventing her from breathing. _

_ “What’s wrong sweetheart?” Lewis teased, taking the baby from her arms, “Don’t you remember our little baby Serena? We named her after your mother, after all, it was her decision to have you that led us to this point.” He chuckled, it was that same cruel noise she’d heard so many times, in reality and in dreams it haunted her. She was powerless against it, he knew that and he exploited that. He was the winner, no matter what happened. _

_ She shook her head, backing up in a panic. She could hear Noah call out to her confusedly, she could see the little baby shift in Lewis’s arms as she began to weep. It wasn’t real! None of it was real! _

_ She felt something wet, something warm and when she looked down she found herself standing in a puddle of blood. _

_ “You can’t ever escape from me Olivia, no matter what you do I will always be a part of you. You might as well just give us because you and I babe? We share a bond that even death can’t break.” _

“No!” Olivia bolted upright with a loud gasp of air, taking a few large gulps and looking around. It was dark, it was cool. The basement, she was in the basement, this was reality! She thought that it would bring her some relief but her diaphragm contracted and she hiccuped suddenly, tears beginning anew. Her hand went to touch her flat stomach, she knew it was a nightmare, but…?

Dreaming of baby Serena wasn’t new to Olivia. In fact, she’d been dreaming about her for years. It wasn’t a constant dream but sometimes she would dream of a baby, her baby. The dreams had become less and less frequent as time went on and when she adopted Noah dreaming of her had ceased almost entirely.

  
This was the first time she’d dreamt of baby Serena being someone else’s other than just her own.

Her entire body shook and spasmed as her crying turned into sobs, pulling her legs up to her chest. It was as if she’d lost control over her body. No matter how hard she tried to tell herself to calm down she just got worse until finally she gasped out, “Calm down Olivia.” It was barely audible, but it was all she needed to hear to gulp down a few deep breaths, running her hands through her hair.

It was just a dream.

It was just a dream…

_ Was it?  _ She could hear his voice in her head, hissing it like a snake, cruelly taunting her.  _ Was it all just a bad dream Olivia? _

She laid back down on the ground, pressing her head to the cold concrete, inhaling deeply despite the mustiness of the basement and closing her eyes. She had to stay calm and she had to get some sleep, no matter how many nightmares plagued her.

 

**7:03AM**

The sound of walking overhead brought Olivia out of sleep, she rubbed her eyes before stretching. Her muscles screamed at her, the floor had not exactly been forgiving but it wasn’t as if she’d had a choice.

The footsteps seemed to be getting closer overhead, Olivia held her breath. The door opened and she heard the flight of the lightswitch, squinting with a hiss when they kicked to life, nearly blinding her in the process. When her eyes adjusted to the light he had come down the stairs, waving a half-empty bottle of whiskey, “Morning sweetheart, you sleep well?”

It was the next morning, she noted. Day 1 in hell was over, and day 2 was beginning. Olivia coughed when she went to answer; her throat had been dryer than a bone, she hadn’t noticed before. Lewis tilted his head slightly, an eyebrow raised, walking over to the sputtering, hacking mess that Olivia had devolved into before holding out the whiskey bottle.

It only took a few moments more of the coughing for Olivia to yank the bottle from him and take a swig. It did help to quench her throat but only for a moment, the burn made her want to cough worse but she held it back, taking a few deep breaths before handing the bottle back out to him, wordlessly, looking down at the ground.

He stared at it for a moment before taking it back and muttering, “We’ll work on your thank you later.” When she chose silence as a response he cocked his head to the side in mock curiosity, “Not in the mood to talk today?”

She resisted the urge to snap at him, call him something awful in hopes he’d go away. She knew that’s what he wanted, what he expected her to do.

“Partnerships don’t work if one person’s doing all the talking Olivia. I mean I’m surprised at you! You haven’t once asked me about Noah, some mother you are.” He taunted. It was cheap to hold Noah over her head but he just wanted to see some life in her again! And if he had to use Noah to do it he wouldn’t hesitate.

Olivia inhaled sharply, finally looking at him, “What about my son. He’s fine.” She had to convince herself before she said it that Noah  **was** fine. She knew he wouldn’t hurt him, if he did he would lose his control over her and the game would be over.

“You’re right, he is doing just fine.” He took slow paces around her, like a predator stalking prey, “He was hungry last night so him and I went and got food. Unlike you he knows when to shut his mouth.” He rolled his eyes at the concern that flashed on her face.

“I want to see him.” 

Lewis gave her a warning look, “Making demands Olivia? What did we talk about yesterday? You’ve got a short memory, maybe you need to be reminded.”

Olivia backed up slightly, shaking her head before correcting her statement, “I-” She took a deep breath, “Can I please see Noah?”

And just like that his mouth curved up into a smile, “That’s more like it.” Olivia shuddered, it reminded her too much of how he’d spoken in her dream, “I’ll go see if he’s awake. Feel free to finish the whiskey if you want, it might be the only thing you get.” He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked over his shoulder at her, “Depends on how generous I’m feeling.” And with that he had walked up the stairs.

Olivia exhaled when the door shut, shivering. Her dreams were proving not to be so far from reality. She closed her eyes for just a second, she needed to steady herself, she couldn’t let it show that anything was wrong. Noah was going to ask questions she couldn’t answer and she had to prepare herself to lie convincingly.

“Mommy.” Noah’s voice was tired and hoarse at first. She looked up to see the boy half asleep in Lewis’s arms. It made her stomach flip, the image before her wasn’t right. It wasn’t right for Lewis to be holding her son.

It only took a minute before Noah really looked at his mother, his face turning in confusion, “Mommy! Mommy!” He started squirming, pushing against his captor’s chest.

Lewis rolled his eyes before setting the squirming boy down, watching closely as Noah ran over to his mother’ throwing his arms around her.

Olivia felt a wave of relief crash over her when she felt Noah’s little hands on her, hugging him close, probably tighter than she’d held him in a while, burying her face into his mess of curls, pressing a kiss to his head, “Sweet boy, are you okay?” She whispered before pulling back to get a good look at him, checking everywhere for bruises or marks. She was sad to say she was shocked to find not a mark on him, she thought that Lewis would have hurt him…

“Mama?” Noah questioned, “Mama what happened to your clothes?” It was an innocent question with an answer that she knew a child wouldn’t and shouldn’t be able to understand.

  
For the first time Olivia remembered that yes, she in fact, was not wearing her pants, glancing down at her bare legs and pulling them closer to herself shaking her head, “It doesn’t matter sweetie, it’s okay.” She prayed that would be enough for Noah, quickly flashing him a smile before repeating her question, “Are you okay?” Then she added, “He didn’t hurt you?” She ignored the scoff she heard from him.

“I’m okay,” Noah mumbled, “I want to go home.” He whimpered, burying his face into his mother’s shoulder.

“Noah,” Lewis called to the boy, “Noah tell mommy what your name is.” He smirked; cold, calculating eyes met confused ones.

“No! I don’t want to!” Noah protested, shaking his head, but before Olivia could do anything Lewis had grabbed his arm and was pulling him away from Olivia.

“Noah, tell her!” He snapped, his grip tightening on the boy’s arm, anger flashing on his face.

The boy whimpered, his eyes filling with tears, turning from his mother to look back up at Lewis, his eyes pleading. If he was looking for a reprieve he wasn’t going to find it with Lewis.

“Well Noah? We’re waiting.” He hissed before giving him an eerie smile, “Go on little man, tell mommy what your name is.”

She heard Noah choke back a sob before turning back to look at her. It was agonizing, seeing the fear in her son’s eyes, the sadness, the helplessness. She couldn’t do anything to help him, not without retaliation against either of them.

“It’s okay Noah,” She reassured, “Go ahead and tell me, it’s okay.” She could see the unwillingness in his eyes. Whatever it was that Lewis wanted him to say, he knew that she wouldn’t like it.

“Noah Wi…” His voice trailed off, so quiet she couldn’t understand it. Neither could Lewis.

Another yank on Noah’s arm elicited a yelp and a sob, “Speak. Up.” Lewis punctuated each word with a squeeze on Noah’s arm. Lewis had devolved fast; his demeanor had changed. From the way he clenched his teeth, his free hand clenched into a tight fist, twitching to swing at something.

“Noah it’s okay!” Olivia caught her son’s eyes and gave him a reassuring gaze. If Lewis did something to Noah in front of her again she didn’t know if she could live with herself.

“Noah Williams! My name is Noah Williams…” Finally the boy relented, and once he said said those words Lewis calmed, immediately letting go of his arm.

Olivia pulled Noah back into her arms, running a hand through his hair and rocking him, trying desperately to calm her frightened child. All the while she kept her eyes on Lewis.

_ Noah Williams.  _ She didn’t catch on at first, it took her a moment to remember that William Lewis was once Lewis Williams. Anger bubbled up inside of her; what right did he have to force Noah to call himself that!?

“He’s not as quick as I’d like but he’s getting there. He’s smart, he’ll learn. Pretty neat huh? Noah Williams, I think it sounds better than Noah Benson.” Lewis walked over to them, brushing his hand over hers before lazily playing with one of Noah’s curls.

“Go to hell.” Olivia hissed, face inches from his. 

He held back a laugh, “Hell? No thanks, I was there for four years. Now it’s your turn.” He leaned in even closer, to the point their noses were practically touching. He wanted to see if Olivia would break the gaze first. She wasn’t backing down though. She knew better than to show him weakness again.

“I have to step out for a little while sweetheart. You promise you and Noah can be good?” He had produced the cuffs from his back pocket and dangled them in front of Olivia’s face, “But just in case. Your hands please,  _ sweetheart _ .”

Olivia didn’t budge, rubbing Noah’s back reassuringly. She knew it couldn’t last though. Defiance was as bad as weakness in his eyes, holding out one hand with reluctance. Lewis was soft in taking her hand, she had expected an angry yank that never came. He clicked the cuff closed around her wrist before taking the other hand off of Noah’s back. Then came the pain when he yanked her already sore arms backwards and looped them behind the support beam, shutting the other cuff tightly around her wrist. For a second Olivia began to fear that he might just rape her right there and then with Noah there as a witness. She’d caught his eyes for a second more, she could see that almost animalistic desire within them.

He stood up though. Again they stared at each other unwavering, waiting for the other to break. “Be good you two!” And with that he turned around and walked up the stairs, and to add insult to injury he flipped off the light and plunged them into darkness before slamming the door shut.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready this chapter is kind of a long one! I guess though it's fitting, almost like the last chapter ending what would be this fic's "Act 1". Unfortunately it also signals the beginning of what could be a 3 week hiatus from writing. I've got some work related things to take care of and I won't have time to write for a while. So hope you enjoy, and I'll apologize in advanced for being gone so long! Thank you so so much for all of the comments, they literally fuel me!

**7:07AM**

Amanda had gotten maybe 2 hours of sleep. 2 hours of nightmare-plagued sleep. When she walked out of her breakroom she wasn’t surprised to see that not many people had come back yet. Well, all except the rest of her squad. Carisi had left at some point to get something to eat; bringing back a box of donuts that sat open, one missing as Carisi sat at his desk, taking small bites gingerly with disinterest apparent on his face. She also guessed that the pile of empty coffee cups sitting on the table belonged to Barba, whom at the moment, had his head down on the table and was snoring softly. She was grateful for a moment, they had been the last two awake when she’d gone to try and rest at 5 in the morning and she wasn’t about to disturb him. She honestly didn’t think he’d be able to go back to sleep if she woke him then.

Fin walked in behind her, clearing his throat and when she turned around he held out a cup of coffee, “Here, before Barba wakes up and takes it.” He gave her a half hearted smiled and she gratefully accepted.

“Anything?” Amanda asked.

“You haven’t even been out for 2 hours Amanda. Nothing, I’m sorry.” He sighed, “What we know right now is that his regular visitor, Bronwyn Freed, who was the jury forewoman in his trial, brought him cupcakes and that the frosting was spiked with meds. That’s how he was able to have that seizure and escape Bellevue.”

“No hits on the plate?” Amanda was hopeful but she knew the odds.

“Nothing.” Fin knew they couldn't keep sitting around and waiting. There wasn't anything to wait for, it wasn't as if Lewis was going to just hand them the answers on a silver platter and the longer they took they knew the odds of Olivia and Noah surviving were dwindling. “Amanda, they've got Bronwyn held at 1PP. Take a crack at her and see what else she knows.” There was a time to play by the rules and there was a time when the rules needed to bent and this was one of those times. Carisi was...too nice, for this sort of thing, Amanda was the only one he could trust.

“Gladly.” Amanda turned and grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair, but before she got more than a few feet away she heard a loud voice.

“Wait!”

She turned, and there was Barba, looking as unkempt as any of them had ever seen him. His hair was out of place, his shirt was rumpled and his five o’clock shadow was strong, “I’m going with you.”

“Looking like that counselor?” She gestured to him and he looked down, running his hands over his shirt as if that would would somehow smooth out the wrinkles before he looked back up at her.

“Yes. I..” He stopped to find his words, “She’s got serious charges stacked against her, maybe we can flip her with talk of a deal, but only if you can’t get through to her. I just need to get coffee and stop by my office, I have a change of clothing there.”

Sure enough, one change of clothing and a coffee cup later Amanda began to see shades of ADA Rafael Barba, save for the five o’clock shadow. Coffee in hand he seemed more coherent now, making small talk as she drove, “Did you get any sleep?”

“Maybe 2 hours. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you got even less.”

He was quiet for a moment before nodding, “I just kept having nightmares…”

“Good to know I’m not the only one.” She mumbled, “Hopefully this...nut…” She didn’t enjoy speaking ill of the other people but there were plenty worse names she could call her, “can tell us where he has them.”

When they arrived Amanda lazily flashed her badge, “Bronwyn Freed.” The officer she spoke to looked from her to Barba with skeptically. Amanda didn’t care they looked at that moment, they didn’t go there to be judged by some rookie, “It’s time sensitive, please.” She cut the woman out of her thoughts, the ‘please’ coming out a little more aggravated than she’d anticipated causing her to jump and lead her to the interrogation room.

“What’s the plan counselor?” Amanda glanced back at him.

“You go at her first, I won’t say anything but if you think she’s lying about not knowing then I’m going to tell her how she either helps us or rots in a cell for the rest of her life.” 

“Sounds fair.” And with that Amanda opened the door and strode in with Barba, slamming the door behind her as the woman jumped up in surprise. She remembered her, the woman who had reservations about Olivia’s conduct she wore glasses and had curly red hair, kind of heavy-set but it wasn’t as if Amanda was going to judge.

“I told you I don’t-”

“What else are you not telling us.” Amanda deadpanned.

“I’ve told you everything that I know! I didn’t know he was going to escape, and I won’t take back the fact that I think he didn’t deserve to be there in the first place!” She retorted defensively.

“You need to tell us everything, now! You helped him escape, whether you claim you knew or not, you’re an accessory now!” She pulled her wallet out of her pocket and opened it, slamming down a picture of Olivia and Noah, taken by Carisi, in front of Bronwyn purposely avoiding looking at it; She couldn’t crack, not now, “He took Lieutenant Benson and her four year old son Noah hostage as soon as he got out, he’s had them for over 24-hours!”

Bronwyn picked up the picture and looked at it for a solid minute before looking at Amanda as if  _ she  _ were the crazy one, “William would  **never** hurt a child. He-he must have had a good reason to-” She suddenly stopped, as if she’d made some sort of a shocking revelation.   


“What?”

“William was right, you  _ do _ have a vendetta against him! You imprisoned him on a false accusation, he told me what happened! He told me that he was upset that Lieutenant Benson had lied because she didn’t need to lie, that they had  _ been _ together!” She was about as loud as Amanda now, “I didn’t know he was planning to escape, but it makes perfect sense he would! You sentenced an innocent man to life in prison and then his ‘victim’, if you can even call her that after what she did, got to keep their baby a secret from him!”

Amanda had to count back from ten to keep herself from knocking some sense into Bronwyn as she processed the utter nonsense coming out her mouth. She turned to look at Barba just as Barba turned to look at her.

Was this woman utterly insane?

“What? You think that-” If Olivia and Noah weren’t currently missing she would have probably been near tears laughing at the sheer absurdity of the statement, “Let me get this straight, you think that Noah Benson is the biological child of Olivia Benson and William Lewis?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“No! It’s insane-!” She ran a hand through her hair, “Noah is adopted. Olivia’s had him since he was a few months old, he isn’t her biological child and he’s certainly not the child of William Lewis.”

Bronwyn shook her head, setting the picture down, “You’re all liars! In fact you probably helped her get away with it! How is that fair? Can you blame him for escaping? He was innocent and you all refused to see that!”

It was Barba’s turn to step in; he could practically see the smoke coming out of Amanda’s ears and he needed to step in before she knocked this woman clean out, “Okay, well Ms. Freed, we aren’t going to breathe further life into something as ridiculous as what you are implying. I’m ADA Rafael Barba, I’m sure you remember me from the trial and I’m here to tell you that what you are being accused of is a serious crime.”

She turned to him and was about to speak but he cut her off, sitting down in the chair across from her, “You aided a criminal in escaping from prison, that’s a Class C offense Ms. Freed. He has already killed an officer and a civilian. You’d better  **pray** we find him before he does something to Ms. Benson or her son because I will be charging you as an accessory. You’re going away for a long, long time.”

“You willing to serve life for a man who doesn’t give a damn about you?!” Amanda snapped, done with the nice cop routine. It wouldn’t get her anywhere and they needed some information.

“You’re lying, him and I had something special together and I didn’t do anything wrong!”

Amanda rolled her eyes and turned away, giving Barba the floor.

“He used you Ms. Freed! He used you to get out explicitly to go after Lieutenant Benson!” Rafael ran a hand through his disheveled hair, “He’s called us twice to taunt us, now, the last time he called he had Noah talk to me, Noah tried to tell me something about a cabin before Lewis cut him off. What do you know about a cabin?”

Bronwyn tried her best to cheek a straight face but her eyes betrayed her. She knew  _ something,  _ that much Amanda and Rafael were certain of. 

“You need to tell us, now! He is going to hurt them, once he does that there is no deal to be made, you will be getting the max I’ll make sure fo that.” Rafael was unbelievably cold towards Bronwyn, he didn’t have any sympathy for her anymore. She’d helped a convicted psychopath escape prison and now that same man was doing awful things to his ‘family’.

“I don’t know anything about cabins, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bronwyn shook her head; she didn’t believe that Lewis would hurt them. Lewis said he  _ loved  _ Olivia, that they were together, that they were supposed to get married. And she certainly didn’t believe any of that ‘bs’ information about Noah being adopted, it was obvious to her what the real truth was. Looking at the picture she could see Lewis’s features in Noah; the fair skin, the shape of his face, light eyes. She really convinced herself of it.

Amanda was done playing by the rules. Being nice wasn’t working, and they were running on borrowed time, it was time for her to get some real answers. Before she knew it she was across the table and had yanked Bronwyn up by her shirt, “That’s crap and you know it! You need to tell me what you know or so help me god I will make sure that your life in prison is living hell!” 

The woman yelped, turning her head to look at Rafael, only to find that he had turned his head away, “Let go of me, this is police brutality!” She snapped, struggling against Amanda.

Amanda just stared at her with cold indifference before letting of his head, “Tell us now or I swear you’ll go to central booking bloodied.” It was a bone rattling warning, she meant it. Rafael knew it and now hopefully, so did Bronwyn.

“Where did he take them Bronwyn?!” Amanda yelled again, slamming her hands down in front of the shaken woman.

“Okay, okay! Don’t yell at me!” The redheaded woman was on the verge of tears, “He had me look at cabins upstate. T-they were never in the same area!” This time they could tell she was starting to tell the truth.

  
“What cities? We need all of them now.” Rafael finally spoke up, turning to stare at her with disinterest.

“Um...Ithaca, Albany, Poughkeepsie. Some small little towns around there that I don’t remember the names of.” She rattled off the list in hopes of avoiding an injury.

Rafael let out a frustrated sigh, and turned away, walking to the door. Amanda was quiet before nodding and turning to follow him out.

“Wait! Detective!” Bronwyn called, waiting for Amanda to turn around to talk to her, “Everyone is going to know it’s police brutality if something happens to him. Your lieutenant is liar and their child is better off with him!”

Rafael was quick to grab Amanda by the shoulder and pull her out. There were only so many ways to explain away injuries. What Amanda was going to do to Bronwyn couldn’t be explained away and the last thing they needed at that moment was IAB breathing down their necks trying to wrestle this case out of their hands.

“Don’t let it get to you Rollins, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” Rafael reassured, trying to tug her away from the door.

“Still doesn’t make it right! I mean, come on, really? The big cover up is that Olivia had William Lewis’s lovechild!? Is she serious!?” Amanda snapped.

Rafael could hear the people around them go quiet, looking at Amanda in surprise, he cleared his throat, “Rollins, a little quieter please. Let’s go back to the precinct, okay? She isn’t worth losing your badge over.”   
  
Slowly she began to see the world in other colors aside from red, finally able to see Barba with clarity and she hated to admit it but he was right as usual. Giving a nod before walking forward with him falling behind.

* * *

 

“Alright...Ithaca, Albany, and Poughkeepsie…” Carisi said, making marks on the map laid out in front of them.

“Yeah, three places that have probably hundreds of thousands of cabins.” Fin added, disheartened, “We’re back at square one and we’re out of people to question.” He hated to admit it, it meant that the past 24 hours had been a complete bust and that they were no closer to finding them.

“No, wait!” Carisi burst out, pinning the map to one of the boards, “Look at this.”

Obviously they weren’t seeing what he was seeing because Amanda sighed, “Carisi have you gotten any sleep?”

In response he rolled his eyes, “I think it’s you guys who haven’t gotten enough sleep, you don’t see it?” He questioned in surprised.

“Get to the point already, we don’t have time for a guessing game.” Rafael warned.

In response he turned on his heel and grabbed a red marker, quickly connecting the cities that Bronwyn mentioned before stepping aside for the rest of them to see, “Anyone else think it’s not a coincidence that these cities make a perfect triangle?”

Amanda was immediately up and walked over, looking at it for a second before turning to face the rest, “He’s somewhere inside this triangle. It’s not much but, it’s a start.”

The clearing of a throat caused them all to turn around to see none other than Chief Dodds standing there, looking at the map with confusion, “What’s this? Explain it to me.”

_ A please would have been nice,  _ Amanda thought before stepping forward, “I interviewed the woman who helped him escape, Bronwyn Freed. She said she’d looked at different cabins because he’d asked in these three cities specifically, as you can see by the map it makes up a triangle. We have reason to believe he’s somewhere inside that perimeter.”

Dodds slowly nodded, “Alright let me take this to 1PP-”

“Chief Dodds, this can’t go public.” Fin stood, “If there’s a chance he’s watching the news and he finds out we have him boxed in he won’t hesitate to kill the both of them.”

“What so we just wait, like sitting ducks?” He sounded frustrated.

“For now. Look, Chief, you need to give us more time. Give us another day and if we aren’t any closer then you can tell them but for now we have to keep this here.” Amanda began to plead.

“What is a day going to do?” He didn’t see the point.

“If we’re quiet about this we’ve got a better chance of gaining the upper hand. We have a better chance of finding Liv and Noah alive.” Carisi chimed in.

Reluctantly, Dodds gave in, nodding, “Okay, alright.” He sighed, “But any information you come across leading you closer to where that son of a bitch has them comes to me as soon as you know. No going rogue.”

That was something they could agree on, finally.

Rafael sat back silently during this entire exchange. In truth he hadn’t really been paying attention to Dodds, he had just been staring at the map pinned the board. Staring into that red triangle with a slight uneasiness he pushed down. It seemed so insignificant, that triangle held thousands of miles and probably countless cabins within it. Yet, the appearance of it made it feel so close, they were almost there.  _ Hang in there Liv, we’re coming to get you and Noah. Please, hang in there. _

 

**7:18AM**

Olivia counted 15 minutes exactly since he’d left, and it had been 10 since she’d heard him slam the front door shut. She had a difficult choice to make and after weighing her options it seemed the only choice available to them. Her squad wasn’t coming, and she had to accept that. She didn’t blame them of course because well, how could they even know where they were, especially that far out of Manhattan, but she had to accept it.

“Noah, sweetie?” She asked softly, not wanting to startle her son. She felt awful asking him to the do this, it shouldn’t have involved him in the first place but here they were.

“Yeah?” Noah asked softly and lifted slightly off her chest, she assumed he was probably looking at her, but again, she couldn’t tell in the dark.

“I think I know how to get us out of here but I need your help okay? Do you think you could crawl up the stairs and to the door?” She asked quietly, taming the urgency in her voice. If Noah couldn’t do it she didn’t want to make him feel worse than he already did.

“But I don’t want to leave you alone mommy.” He whimpered.

“I know sweetie, I know, but it’ll only be for a few minutes. I need you to see if you can open the door alright?” She sighed, trying to decipher what was the next best move. If Lewis hadn’t locked the door or blocked it with something and Noah was actually able to find it then what? She didn’t know how easy it would be for Noah to get to town without getting hurt or caught by Lewis first, plus she wasn’t sure Noah would even leave her in the first place, “When you get to the door open it, I need you to find something like...a small knife so I can get get these cuffs off okay?”

“You said I wasn’t allowed to touch knives.” The comment was so innocent, Olivia gave him a soft smile; always her little rule follower.

“I know what I said sweetie but this is a special situation. Just a small knife, be very careful okay? Don’t touch the blade.” She warned.

“Okay...” 

She heard Noah’s tentative voice come before she felt him moving off of her. Suddenly she was gripped by a cold feeling, shaking it off and waiting with bated breaths. She heard a soft shuffling noise from somewhere in the dark, managing to call out softly, “Be careful sweetheart. Hands and knees so you don’t trip!”

“I know mama,” His voice was farther away now, she could hear the soft slap of his tiny hands against the ground, pawing at the air around him to find the stairs.

“If you can’t then it’s okay, just follow my voice and come back.” It felt an eternity being separated from him when in fact it couldn’t have been more than 30 seconds. She didn’t receive a response this time, holding her breath.

Finally she heard the sound of a hand on wood, “I found them!” He called excitedly and Olivia found it in herself to exhale with relief.

“That’s great Noah! Remember, go up the stairs on your knees so you don’t fall.” She reminded again, despite knowing that he didn’t really need to be reminded. She listened to the sound shuffles up the stairs and when it ceased she waited again.

She knew it was likely premature but when she saw light flood down the stairs from the opened door she felt a wave of relief rush across her.

“Mommy, mommy! I opened it!” Noah sounded so excited and she couldn’t help but feel excited herself.

“That’s great! Go see if you can find a knife sweetie! Don’t take too long and be very careful not to move anything around, alright? If you hear a noise like the car pulling up you run straight back down here!” She couldn’t be too careful, especially if he came back, she didn’t want Noah to freeze up from fear.

He left her in silence, the only light coming from the door at the top of the stairs. It gave her a moment of clarity, a moment to think. If she was able to pick the cuff lock with the knife she and Noah would likely only have a few minutes to get out of that house and make a break for it before he got back. Then she realized there was another issue presenting itself; he had taken her pants and she wasn’t quite sure what he’d done with them. Not that in that situation pants really mattered that much but it did nag at the back of her head. If they were able to get out of the house she knew there was no way they could go out from the way they entered, which meant going into unfamiliar woods and trying to find a way out without a path but she knew he would likely search the surrounding area for them. They would have to be quick and they would have to hope and pray that he gave up or they came across people who could help them first. The sound of skittering across the floor snapped her attention back to the door to see Noah going down the steps, a little too quickly for her liking, especially in the dark before he was in front of her. Luckily the door cast enough light for her just to be able to see what she was doing, she could see Noah’s face, his eyes lit up hopefully as he presented a small paring knife in front of her, “Will this work mama?”

She nodded, “Yes...that should work! Noah, I need you to help me now, go to my left arm.” She instructed, waiting until he’d shuffled over, “Now, you see where the little lock is?”   


It took him a minute before he’d finally found it, “Yeah I see it!” He just wanted to get out of there.

“Okay, this part is very important sweetie. I need you to very carefully put the knife there in the lock and wait until my other hand can grab the handle so that I can try to undo the cuff.” She explained, feeling the slight pressure as he maneuvered the knife into the look. She took her right hand and grabbed the handle of the knife, feeling Noah release it. Immediately she set to work wiggling the knife around, desperately trying to push the pin out of place, even if just enough to pull her arm out of the cuff.

“I think it’s working, sit tight Noah!” She couldn't believe it, it was actually working, she was starting to feel some give!

 

_ SLAM! _

 

Olivia stopped dead in her tracks at the sound of the front door slamming shut, holding a breath as they both turned to look at the door. 

Noah had left it open. Olivia felt her heart sink, a constricting feeling tugging at her throat. It was the heavy gasps for air from Noah that caused her to look at her son. She could see the panic apparent on his face, his shoulders heaving with each deep breath, tears in his eyes and very quietly she could hear him whimpering, “No, no, no...no.”

She hadn't ever seen her son look so terrified, so despaired. Not even after the worst of the worst nightmares. They had been so close…

“Well, well, well!” His voice cut through the silence in the basement. Noah flinched each time he said it, whimpering, “What do we have here? Someone’s been very, very bad!” He chimed in a sing-song voice. 

She heard Noah whimper, he was shaking and she quickly whispered to him, “Come here Noah, it’s okay.” The shaking in her voice gave her lie away. Nonetheless he pressed himself against her, burying his face into her chest whilst little hands clutched her sweater so tightly his knuckles turned white.

She could hear him slowly walking around upstairs, the seconds waiting for something to happen dragged on for what felt like hours before she finally heard him get to the top of the stairs, switching the light on. She closed her eyes almost purely from free, resting her chin on Noah’s head. How she wished she could just wrap her arms around Noah and protect him…

“Seems like you two have been busy.” Olivia chose to ignore the slight edge to his voice. Perhaps she could even talk him down, she didn’t want Noah to get hurt.

“Lewis, I told him-”   


“Shut up!” Lewis snapped loudly. She felt Noah’s breathing hitch beside her as he, almost impossibly so, tried to pull himself even closer to her.

He composed himself momentarily, kneeling down and leaning over her and Noah and pulling the little knife out of the cuff lock, holding it in front of Olivia’s face, his smile seemed to widen but his eyes burned with something dangerous, “Thought you could escape huh? We’ve barely just begun, you can’t leave.” He caressed her cheek with the cold blade of the knife.

“I’m sorry.” Olivia croaked out, trying not to let the feeling of the blade get to her.

“I know you are.” His voice was too quiet for her liking, his tone too endearing, the rage in his eyes had fizzled out leaving her to stare into hollow, almost lifeless, eyes. The knife stop at her left cheek, just below her eyes, digging slightly into her skin before he lightly dragged it down her cheek, past her neck, and dipping it down against her sweater, stopping just in between her breasts.

Olivia held her breath, she could feel Noah go still against her, noticed that his breathing was quick and afraid, warm against her skin. 

“Noah say goodbye to mommy, this is the last time you’ll see her.” His voice didn’t hold any emotion, Olivia wasn’t sure how he was able to say that with such little feeling. It took a moment for his words to click, the meaning behind them. A crushing feeling gripped her chest, she felt a lump form in her throat as she repeated his words in her head,  _ “Noah say goodbye to mommy, this is the last time you’ll see her.” _

Noah shook his head, turning his face slightly to look at Lewis, “No-”

“You both broke the rules, thus you  **both** need to be punished.” And then suddenly a flash of the knife as it sliced, luckily, not too deep, across her chest, ripping her sweater and slicing the skin beneath it before the knife was resting pressed against Noah’s cheek. Olivia ignored the sting of the cut, knowing it was likely only superficial, feeling her heart jump to her throat as Noah’s breathing stopped from fear, Lewis leaning in a little closer to him, applying just a little more pressure on the knife, “Now, say goodbye to mommy, before I give you both a good reason to cry.”

“You have me right where you want me, I’m cuffed. I’m not going anywhere yet you  **still** have to use a child to get what you want!?” Olivia snarled angrily, “You  _ know  _ I told Noah to find that knife for me, he didn’t do that on his own, this is my fault Lewis! You don’t need Noah to torture me, if you were half the man you were before prison you’d know that!” She was seeing red, in fact, she didn’t quite understand the words that she even spewed at him as if they were venom.

His eyes gave away his genuine surprise at her outburst, for a second he stopped as if he wasn’t quite sure how to proceed, the knife stilled against Noah’s cheek and for a split second there was a suffocating silence that enveloped the basement. Slowly, Lewis lowered the knife, removing it entirely from Noah’s cheek and putting it into pocket.

And then just like that, the silence broke with Noah’s yelp. Lewis grabbed the boy’s arm and pulled him away from Olivia, taking a few steps back with the boy, his eyes never left Olivia though and he nodded, the ghost of a smile twitching at his lips,”You’re absolutely right! I don’t need Noah anymore.”

Before Olivia could blind she saw him yank the gun out of his waistband, click off the safety and shove the barrel against Noah’s head. Noah tried to yank away, sobbing so hard at this point his entire body was shaking, but Lewis held his arm, holding him in place, his finger on the trigger.

“Lewis!” Olivia screamed, yanking harshly against the cuffs, ignoring how they sharply bit into her wrists, surely drawing blood. She felt adrenaline burst through her, it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her.

“What’s wrong Olivia? You said I didn’t need him anymore!” He laughed, his eyes never leaving her.

It felt as if her world was about to end. She didn’t care what he did to her. Hell, he could rape her as many more times as he wanted, he could slice her into little pieces while she was still alive, she didn’t  _ care _ . All she cared about was Noah and she would never be able to live with herself if he killed her son-! A small voice resonated at the back of her head, she assumed it was what was left of her rational thoughts. It spoke softly, calmly, in an almost mothering way but Olivia knew what it was. It was her ‘victim’ voice, it spoke to her the way that she spoke to frightened or irrational victims.  _ “He won’t do it Olivia, he won’t pull that trigger.”  _ It whispered and at first Olivia found herself not believing it but in the seconds that followed she realized it was right. She knew William Lewis, she knew him in a way that no one else did. 

“You won’t!” She took a deep breath, “You won’t kill him.”

He slowly nodded, removing the gun from Noah’s head and holding it at his side. “You’re right! You called my bluff, very good Olivia.” He chuckled, shoving the gun back into his waistband, ignoring as Noah tried to tug himself away, “I won’t.” Finally he broke his gaze to look at the boy, “Noah I’m going to let go of your arm, when I do you will sit there and you will not move. You won’t try to run and you won’t go towards your mother, you understand me?”

Noah’s sobbing hadn’t lessened any it seemed, but he did nod and when Lewis let go of his arm the boy immediately sat down, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his head into them, hiccuping and coughing.

Lewis turned his attention back to Olivia, “Like I was telling your ADA boyfriend over the phone, I never thought about what would happen after me. I guess I did some growing up while in prison y’know? I never thought about who would continue my legacy...It’d be a damn shame to let it turn to ashes like me.” He paced around her like a predator stalking prey. “I decided I needed someone to take over for me, someone who I could teach. It’s not as if I can have a kid myself though,” He chuckled, “and besides, babies can be so...fussy. I’m not looking to do all that baby crap. No, I needed a kid who was a little older, one who’s just starting to question the world around them, just starting to become self-sufficient.” He glanced back at the boy endearingly, “Noah is perfect. He isn’t ours biologically, unfortunately, but I guess in a way, he’s a part of the both of us.”

Olivia almost wished he had shot her, kicked her, beat her, raped her...done  **something** , it would’ve hurt much less than this.

  
“One day your son is going to call me dad, and I plan to teach him everything that I know about this wonderful world around us. I’m going to teach him how to take care of himself, that he can’t rely on anyone but himself because everyone else is always looking for an opportunity to get ahead. One day he’ll play this same game, the game we are playing right now, the game that his mother lost.” Lewis stopped in front of Olivia, staring down at her, “Olivia, say goodbye to Noah, this is the last time you’ll ever see him.”

Processing that information was easy for Olivia, it seemed such a simply statement. Lewis was going to rip her son from her side, rip him away from the only family he’s ever known. But it hurt so much that it couldn’t possibly be so simple. She took deep breaths but couldn’t seem to actually keep the air in her lungs, it was as if someone had poked holes into them and they were beginning to fill with blood. She felt like she was so suffocating and suddenly- Were those tears that wet her lashes and her cheeks? They must have been because Lewis and smiling ear to ear.

“Noah-” Olivia choked out.

But Lewis wasn’t kind enough to let her try and finish. He picked up Noah, side eyeing her silently, before turning around with Noah and walking to the stairs.

“Mommy, mommy!” Noah cried out through sobs, reaching his arms out for Olivia, the fear and the sadness on his face would haunt Olivia for the rest of her life.

“No, no! Noah!” She cried out, yanking again on the cuffs as if somehow she could break them. If she tried hard enough she could miraculously break free, just like she had done before in the beach house! 

“Mommy!” Olivia heard Noah scream from the top of the stairs, right before the lights turned off and the door slammed shut.

  
It felt like the door to her tomb had slammed shut just then, sucking the air out of her momentarily. She could vividly see in her mind all of Noah’s features, his little nose, beautiful blue eyes, his adorable dimples when he smiled.

Lewis wasn’t bluffing now. If they weren’t found by the time he got bored of her then he was right. She would never see her son again.

And the baby she so selfishly(she didn’t see it as selfish at the time but now she felt rather stupid, tricking herself into believing she could have a normal life and a happy family) adopted, the baby she would have given the world and more to, would be left in the hands of the Beast.


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia wasn’t sure how long she’d yanked on the cuffs behind her back,  at some point she had convinced herself that she could feel it starting to give. It was a lie, of course, but it gave her a momentary distraction, a drive and a reason to keep trying. However it felt like seconds turned to minutes and minutes to hour, though she knew that was unrealistic. Just like her belief that she would free herself from the cuffs was unrealistic. She was only doing more harm than good, if she weren’t so panicked she would have seen the deep cuts in her wrists, the blood that flowed in tiny streams down her hands from yanking too hard.

She had to swallow the hard pill that no matter what she did she was  **not** going to make a miraculous escape. So she stopped, taking a deep breath as if she had just surfaced from the bottom of an ocean. Cold air seemed to sting her face, bringing her back to her senses, back to reality and time.

Down here she wasn’t THE Olivia Benson; savior of battered and broken women, the patron saint of rape victims. Down here she was Olivia Benson, object to every one of William Lewis’s perverse fantasies. A plaything destined to die, a mother who couldn’t protect her child, a  _ victim _ .

She was going to become just another statistic, another victim in the record of William Lewis. She could see the headlines now!  _ Manhattan SVU Lieutenant killed by Rikers Island Escapee. Son still missing.  _ Or, hell, perhaps Jimmy Mack would write a piece on her for the Ledger, maybe it would be a lovely testament to her life and the work she did or perhaps it would be all about her twisted past with Lewis that led up to this; with Jimmy she was never too sure.

If she closed her eyes and thought hard enough she could see her funeral, the chief mourners being her former team. She could see Fin trying to hold himself together, she could the empty discarded glasses of scotch at her wake, as Carisi tries to keep Barba from completely going off the deep end. She could see Amanda going home to stare at Jesse, wrought with guilt because she has her daughter safe and sound while Noah was still out there being subjected to God knows what, now the adopted child of William Lewis-

She tried not to think about it, but down there in the suffocating silence there was nothing but an abundance of time to think. And in the darkness with nothing left to focus on she let herself be pulled back under an ocean of thought.

Perhaps ten or so years from now there would be students at Fordham going into law who would study the case of the People v. William Lewis, and they would go over every detail of what he’d done. Perhaps some would even shudder at the thought of him still out there in the world, after murdering the only woman ever strong enough to testify against him. 

Suddenly in her mind she could see a vivid image of an overworked professor; hair grayed by time, face remaining unchanged, green eyes awash with a very studied calmness, but if you looked deep enough you could see a lifetime of sorrow, regret, missed opportunities…

She could see him presenting the case to students via projector, walking around and doing his best not to look at pictures. She could see how taxing their questions became for the professor. She could see the tears in his eyes as one of his students asked about the missing boy;  _ Had they ever found him? Was he alive or dead? _

She found the image fizzling out, she tried to listen, tried to hear what  _ Professor _ Rafael Barba was going to say...but she couldn’t.

And almost like watching a slideshow on one of those old projects that her mother had, she was in a different place, staring at someone different. She was back in the squadroom...how it had changed! She could see rookies, unfamiliar faces sitting around at desks that once belonged to her team. She watched them talk about a case before turning to the door and greeting two men.  _ Captain _ Fin Tutuola and  _ Assistant District Attorney  _ Sonny Carisi...She could see Fin looked as if he hadn’t aged a day, she could have chided him about that, they always said he never seemed to age, but Carisi was already greying, not as bad as Barba had been, more salt and peppery, though she supposed he was more salt and nutmeg than anything. Her heart swelled slightly with pride, until she noticed a certain...coldness to the two once warm men she knew. They seemed distant, detached from their detectives, a certain level of skepticism in the way they moved about the squad room, speaking to them without really speaking  _ to  _ them.

She didn’t understand it, she could have yelled at them for acting in such a way. They had to trust their detectives, and their detectives had to trust them! She found herself moving forward, weightlessly almost. She followed Fin into his office, as if he could somehow see or hear her, observing the office. It seemed to be just as she had left it. There was the jacket she’d left at the precinct on the hook! The same chair she would always sit in there still remained in its place, though it looked considerably more weathered. The desk had papers scattered across it, here and there with all sorts of different labels on them. She knew Fin  _ hated  _ the paperwork, but she supposed at some point either he or Carisi would have to do it. She smiled, seeing the picture frames on the desk, admiring a picture of Fin and what she could only assume was his grandson Jaden.

And there beside it was a picture she recognized, still in the frame she had put it in, smiling at the camera with such boyish innocence and happiness. She saw Fin’s gaze catch the picture and watched as he stared at it, guilt in his eyes. The image before her started to fizzle out, the last thing she heard before darkness was Fin’s voice, softly,  _ “I’m sorry Liv.” _

She wasn’t even spared a moment to think on that, the next image started up, taking a moment to focus in on an apartment. Immediately Olivia knew she had been there before, she was sure of it! She didn’t remember exactly until she heard a warm voice calling to another room, she turned to find Amanda Rollins, still looking as radiant as she remembered, standing in the doorway with take-out.

Another flash of blonde startled her for a moment, as it ran up to Amanda and grabbed one of the bags, quickly hugging her before running back off towards her room. Olivia only caught a glimpse of her but Jesse had grown up to be the spitting image of her mother, which Olivia had to admit she was thankful for considering who her father was. A child no more, the girl she saw running back to her room with food in hand was a teenager, tall and thin, athletic no doubt. Popular; of that she was sure, with a personality she could tell immediately was outgoing and friendly. 

When her attention turned back towards Amanda she could see the woman smiling and shaking her head, taking a seat on the couch. For a moment she wondered how Amanda could be leading such a domestic life, didn’t she have to be down at the precinct?-

No, of course she didn’t, because Amanda blamed herself for the death of Olivia, and she blamed herself for the subsequent disappearance of William Lewis and Noah. Olivia could see Amanda pull out a singular large file in a manila folder and open it. Suddenly, as if she were watching some sort of stage show, she could see a spotlight illuminate the door to a bedroom as Jesse peaks her head out of her room, about to say something when she sees her mother with that case file.

Olivia could tell by the look on her face that this wasn’t the first time she’d seen the case file. Slowly the illumination on Jesse began to fade and Olivia saw the look of sorrow and anger on her face. Suddenly she could hear a background noise, a teen girl’s voice yelling, hurt and angry;  _ “Mama look at me! Please, look at me! I’m here, I’m alive! You’ve always cared more about  _ **_him_ ** _ than you did  _ **_me_ ** _!” _

And Olivia understood. Amanda Rollins was notorious for making promises she couldn’t keep. And in her promise to find Noah she had forgotten that she had a daughter of her own, a daughter who needed her, a daughter who craved the attention her mother gave to this missing boy.

She wished she could reach out and hug Jesse, to tell her it would be okay. She wished she could grab Amanda and tell her that her own child was right in front of her in the flesh and she needed her. Of course she wanted them to find Noah but not at the expense of themselves, she didn’t want the guilt over her death to consume them, it wasn’t their faults!

Olivia tried to reach out, to touch Amanda to get her attention, but just as she did the picture dissolved in front of her, leaving her in a momentary darkness. Her face felt wet with tears, a sob gurgling in her throat from guilt. 

The sob however never made it’s way out of her mouth, everything seemed to cut off when another image fizzled around her. This time there was no warmth to this setting. No familiar room, no familiar scents. Instead she felt a cold wind bite her cheeks, and she looked around, her breath falling dead in her lungs. 

  
This was a cemetery.

She found herself unable to move, not wanting to see where this vision was going to lead her. However she felt she didn’t have a choice, she heard a rustling behind her and whipped around to see a young man standing in front of a headstone, staring down at it silently. She noted he was bundled up, it must have been late autumn or perhaps even early winter. He was tall, taller than her, wearing a long double breasted jacket, a cream sweater, scarf, a maroon beanie, that cover long chocolate colored curls. She found herself drawn to him, taking a few steps forward, watching.

_ “Gimme a cigarette…”  _ She heard the boy choke out.

Then she heard it. That laugh that made her blood run cold as another man, a little taller and much older than the one standing in front of the headstone, walking up alongside him, putting an arm around his shoulder and yanking him close,  _ “What’s wrong? You said you wanted to see her for yourself, I told you that you’d react this way. It’s almost as if I’m always right and you should listen to me more often.” _

She heard a resigned sigh,  _ “Yeah dad, I know.” _

_ “Good. Now, we’ve still got a lot to talk about don’t we Noah? I’ll give you another minute, I’m gonna wait in the car, you still want that cigarette?” _

_ “...No.”  _ She heard the smaller voice finally answer, feeling a despair build up in her aknew as she watched William Lewis turn, press a kiss to Noah’s head and walk away. She wanted to run over to him, she wanted to hug him so tightly he had to tell her he couldn’t breathe. Noah, her little baby Noah had grown up to be a handsome young man under the worst possible circumstances. 

_ “Mom…”  _ She heard the soft voice start, almost tearfully, almost loving-

_ “I hate you.”  _ The voice went cold, it chilled her worse than the air around her,  _ “You fucking bitch, you-! You abandoned me, you left me with him-!”  _ Again he stopped, taking a deep breath to control himself,  _ “You deserved everything he did to you, and you were selfish to even have a kid in the first place. I’m not like you, I’m not that dumb.”  _ He hissed,  _ “I’m just like dad now, and I hope that you can’t ever rest peacefully because of it.” _

She watched him turn without a second thought and walk back towards the car. It was like a gut punch, her worst nightmares come to life right before her eyes. Children were a product of their environment, she refused to let the violent means of which Noah came into this world affect the way she raised him.

But none of that mattered.

Just like that everything dissolved around and she opened her eyes to see a swirling darkness before her. A nightmare, it had been a vivid nightmare! But it had felt so real to her! 

Perhaps it had been a vision of the future, of what was to come.

But again, none of that mattered. None of it mattered because of three simple facts: she was still locked in this basement she would come to compare to prison, she was still going to die, and Lewis was still going to take her son and turn him into a monster.

* * *

Lewis smirked down at Olivia, watching her writhing tortured form, her sweater soaked in a cold sweat, “Aw…” He cooed softly, “Someone’s not doing so hot is she?” He knelt down beside her, ghosting his hand up and down her right thigh, “You’re probably hungry, dehydrated...It’s been a while hasn’t it sweetheart? Hallucinating already? You lasted so much longer the first time.” His hand trailed up to her face, caressing her cheek, observing the way she seemed to tense up and the way her eyes twitched open for mere seconds before falling closed.

“Then again I’m sure that knowing you couldn’t protect your son is weighing on you some huh?” He smirked, leaning down to kiss her harshly, pulling away and scoffing at her lack of a reaction, “Fine, you’ve earned yourself a reprieve for the night. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

And with that he got up and walked upstairs, leaving Olivia to face her own demons. After all, if there was one thing that William Lewis was sure of, it was that her own personal demons could do far worse to her own mind than he could. She would face them first, and then she would face the devil himself as he stole her life away, bit by precious bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was sort of a short one! I'm getting back into the writing groove and came up with this. I thought it would be kind of interesting to delve a bit into Olivia's thoughts so I hope it was interesting to read! Also thought of perhaps, once this fic is finished of course, creating a side fic in which Olivia's hallucinations of the future becomes reality. If that's something you'd perhaps be interested in let me know but I won't start anything until this one is completely finished! Promise the next chapter will be longer!


	12. Chapter 12

**9:46AM**

“Do you think he’s going to call again?”

“No, Carisi. I don’t think he’s going to call again, Noah already let us onto too much. We just...we have to figure this out on our own.” Barba didn’t mean to be short with him but he couldn’t help but feel that Carisi couldn’t fully understand the magnitude of their situation, or who Lewis even was. They’d done their best to explain it to him and eventually also to Dodds but neither could fully understand unless they’d stared into those dead eyes. He’d never believed in the cliche that bad guys had a dead look in their eyes, that people were inherently evil.

But William Lewis contradicted that belief entirely.

If there was a hell, and if Rafael did something to end up there, he had no fear of facing the devil below. Nothing could be worse than the devil above.

“How long?” Carisi called to Amanda.

“We’ve got a little over 20 hours to find them before Dodds takes this map to 1PP, we need to work fast and we need to find something.” She was doing her best not to panic but it had become increasingly more difficult, clocks seeming to tick all around her. He was unpredictable, he’d never taken any victims that far away from the abduction zone and while he had abducted two people at once before it had been two roommates, not a mother and her child.

“What else do we have though?” Fin started. He didn’t mean to be the one to destroy any of their optimism but they had to be realistic. Realistically speaking they didn’t have anything else other than the triangle of cities which contained an expansive amount of possible locations.

Suddenly and just for a moment it was as if the clocks stopped ticking and they looked around at each other for just a few seconds knowingly. Fin was right, they had nothing to go off of and they’d exhausted any other attempts at information.

“We have to work with what we have, and we have to work fast.” Amanda turned to look at the three men behind her, “He’s had them for 30 hours. We  _ know  _ what he’s doing. At this point...we just have to focus on finding Liv and Noah alive.” She didn’t have to say it for those around her to understand what she meant.

They knew that the window of time that they would have remained unharmed had closed and that it had been that way for a while. They knew what he’d done to Olivia by now, what he was likely  _ still  _ doing to her. It was a fact that they had to accept and move past. Olivia was still alive, Noah was still alive and they had to find them before that changed.

“Well according to Noah, they’re in a cabin. That’s a start, and a damn good one at that.” Carisi tried in his own way to reassure the others but they all looked at him as if it meant nothing. A twinge of frustration pulled at his nerves, giving an annoyed sigh, “What about calling every city precinct with cabins in this area-”

“Carisi that has to be hundreds, and there are probably thousands of cabins out there!” Barba spoke up before the rest, “I understand you’re trying to help but-”

“Yes! I’m trying to help, I don’t see you dishing out any suggestions here!” He didn’t mean to snap. Sonny Carisi prided himself on being the calmest of the squad, but this was a different situation. In any regular case he wouldn’t have dared to raise his voice that way especially to Barba.

Apparently it stunned the rest of them because for a moment they stared at him, tensed, as if waiting for a bomb to go off. 

When it didn’t Carisi cleared his throat awkwardly, “Sorry, I just...We can’t wait like sitting ducks for clues we aren’t getting.”

“No, you’re right Carisi.” Rafael sighed, “I guess, we could start by calling different precincts to see if the SUV plates have been spotted.” Of course, he knew they hadn’t because well, William Lewis was dumb but he wasn’t **that** dumb, but it was a start and he didn’t have any other suggestions.

So they started on the arduous task, knowing full nothing would come of it. But they had to try, they had to distract themselves from the mental hourglass that was slowly beginning to drain.

 

**1:15PM**

Olivia’s thoughts were thrown fitfully back to reality at the sensation of water being dripped on her face slowly. She found herself confused at first, blinding wildly gulping down air as if she’d forgotten to breath.

“Hey, hey!” She could finally hear him clearly, “You’re awake! I thought for a second there I’d lost you.” Well, that was the last voice she’d wanted to wake up to, “Come on, up.” He sounded slightly annoyed, “I have water, you must be thirsty.”

For a moment she was grateful, forcing herself to sit up, ignoring the hand on her back. She didn’t mean to act so animalistic, and the more she thought about it the more uncivilized she seemed. As soon as she saw him dangling the water bottle in front of her she snatched it as quickly as possible, nearly choking as she gulped down water.

“Thought you might enjoy that.” He smirked down at her, “We’ll work on your thank you here in a little bit.”

Olivia choked slightly, slowing down. Of course, nothing came without a price and she knew she’d pay dearly for this but she didn’t  _ care _ . He had already raped her, he’d stolen her dignity, her right to consent-! He couldn’t take anything more from her than he’d promised to take or had taken already.

When she finished she found herself breathing shakily, a haze lifting from vision and the oppressing force in her head beginning to disappear, a question immediately forming, “Why?”

“Why?” Lewis repeated, “Because it isn’t any fun if you aren’t aware of everything I’m doing.” He took the empty bottle from her shaking hands, “And keeping you hydrated is the easiest way to do that. After all, if I fed you then you’d get back some of your strength and well...I don’t feel like fighting you.”

“You know they’re gonna find us. I bet they already know where we are.” She threatened emptily, “You are never going to get away with this.”

“If thinking that is what helps you stay sane Olivia, but I can tell you that it isn’t true. They aren’t anywhere near finding us, and they aren’t going to find us in time to save you or Noah.” Lewis ran a hand through Olivia’s hair, gentle at first, before gripping hard at the back of her head and yanking backwards, forcing her to look up at him, “Now...about that ‘thank you’...”

Olivia pushed the feeling of despair down, trying her best to suppress it, “What could you possibly want that you haven’t already taken from me.”

“That’s not a very optimistic way of thinking!” He laughed, “Besides you and I both know there’s still plenty for you to  _ give _ .” He put emphasis on the last word and suddenly Olivia understood what he meant.

It was an insane thought, she almost didn’t believe it herself at first, trying to come up with some other meaning but found none but the obvious one glaring at her. And it wasn’t something she was even sure how to deal with, how to react to even.

He wanted her  **consent** .

She stared at him, slack-jawed, unsure what to even say to the smug smirk on his face.

“So you  _ are  _ aware enough to understand me! That’s good, means I don’t have to waste time explaining myself.” He reached a hand out to caress her cheek, rolling his eyes when she jerked backwards and away from him.

“No.” She shook her head, “No! I swear to god that is the one thing you will never ever take from me! You will have to kill me first.” Olivia felt like a caged animal right then, he had her in a place where she had virtually nothing left to hold on to, except for that. She accepted right there and then she’d rather be dead than to say what he wanted to hear. 

“Don’t be so quick to think that even you are above giving in. We’ve got a whole lot of time here together, there’s a lot I could do to you, a lot I plan on doing. If you thought you had it hard already you haven’t seen anything yet.” He chuckled, “I always get what I want, no matter how long it takes.”

Olivia shook her head, staring at her hands as they laid idly in her lap. The more she thought of it the more she knew he was right; he would break down every little piece of her be it mental or physical to get what he wanted. She figured she might as well try to use that to her advantage, “I’ll give you what you want if I get to see Noah.” There was one thought that prevailed in her head this entire time and it was Noah. He was probably scared and confused and she knew that Lewis would offer him no comfort.

“Really?” For a second he seemed stunned, unsure of how to proceed. She glanced up and saw the disbelief in his eyes, “Are you...really that dumb?”

Then the look in his eyes changed and it changed to something that Olivia hadn’t expected. She saw what looked like pity in his eyes as he knelt down in front of her. The lump in her throat returned and she found a whimper escape from somewhere within her vocal cords. She couldn’t hold back tears, turning her head to the side and taking a few deep breaths, “I want to see my son!”

He was silent for a moment, unreadable, before tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, “When I was a kid I barely had any friends, and the ones I did have were the weak kids, the outcasts. They would do whatever I said. I remember one in particular, his name was Daniel, we called him Danny and he used to do everything I said, he’d steal alcohol from his parents for me, if I needed money for cigarettes he’d steal that for me too.” He paused, a smile twitching at his lips as he recalled the memory, “One day...it must’ve been in late September...maybe ‘91, I told him I needed a few bucks to buy a new pack of cigarettes and after years of doing everything I said without question he finally told me no. God, I remember he puffed his chest out and stared me straight in the eyes as if that would help him, he said he couldn’t keep getting money or his parents knew what he was doing...You know no one had even told me no before then?” He ran a finger along her jawline and turned her head so she was staring at him, “Your mom ever tell you no Olivia? Mine didn’t.”

She didn’t give him the satisfaction of an answer but held back a retort to get to the point.

“It wasn’t fair to me. Then again not much is fair to a 13 year old I guess but I just remember nodding, and Danny well, he was so surprised I think he’d been prepared to bolt in case I swung at him. I told him it was fine though, no hard feelings, and we went into the woods where we usually hung out, there was a big old tree where we kept the shit we managed to steal from the corner store. Danny wore glasses, had since we were 6 or 7 and it occured me that I didn’t know what that was like so I asked him if I could see them and he gave them to me. So willing...so stupid.” He chuckled at the memory, shaking his head slightly, “But when he asked for them back I just held them above my head, I was always taller than everyone else, came with a lot of perks the taller I got. Finally though, he snatched them from me. So I grabbed his arm and just twisted it around until I heard that sickening snap of bone. Jesus, you should’ve heard how he screamed-!” He stopped, seeming to lose himself in the moment before his attention returned to Olivia, “Except that we were too deep for anyone to hear and when he cried and threatened to tell I knew I couldn’t let him. Danny couldn’t swim either and there was a creek that ran through the woods, so I dragged him over to it and I forced him to the edge. The current was real strong that day, we’d had a few days worth of heavy rain...I made him stand at the edge, I asked him if he was going to tell. He said yes, so I pushed him in.”

Olivia tried to block out the story, really she did, but eventually she found herself hanging on every single horrifying word of it. She remembered one of her first cases with Nick, it had maybe a couple months before they encountered Lewis. Henry Mesner, he was a psychopath, one of the worst she’d ever encountered. Now it occurred to her that Lewis likely was that awful a child and yet it had taken so long for them to bring him to justice. If something didn’t change then that same psychopath would be raising her son.

“I waited a couple minutes, followed the current as it pushed him up and under, he screamed every time he would surface, flailing around like an idiot. I think I let it go on only a couple minutes but to a him I’m sure it seemed like a lifetime. Then I helped him out while he shivered and coughed like a baby...I asked him for the money I had wanted earlier, so we walked back to the houses with him soaking wet, teeth chattering and clutching his broken arm to her chest. He went and got me the money. He did everything I asked without question from then until the time he moved 2 years later. He learned two lessons that day Olivia, you know what they were?”

Olivia shook her head.

“Lesson Number 1: You can either sink or swim.” Lewis stood up then, walking away from her for a moment to light another cigarette before approaching her again, standing beside her and looking down, the cigarette sitting idly between two fingers, “And lesson number 2: I will always find a way to get what I want, no matter who I have to hurt to get it.”

There was a silence that passed between them before Lewis produced the gun from his waistband, pointing it at Olivia. 

“You won’t shoot me. You still haven’t gotten what you wanted from me.” She didn’t recognize her own voice, the rasp, the hopelessness…She at least sounded sure of herself though, sure that he wouldn’t shoot her and the gun was to try and scare her.

There was a slightly disappointed look in his eyes, his jaw set in telltale annoyance. He’d been hoping for a more lively reaction but he supposed it was to be expected, and so he lowered the gun. “You’re right. I need you to try and understand something.” He took a puff of the cigarette, “You disobeyed me, you tried to escape and I can’t let that go unpunished. What kind of example am I setting for  _ my  _ son if I don’t follow through on a promise?”

She felt a lurching in her stomach, knowing that there really wasn’t anything she could expel from her body even if she wanted to. Beside, if she did vomit that would only add to her dehydration, and she wasn’t sure when and if he was going to give her water again.  _ My son.  _ It was as if he’d stabbed her with a knife, “He’s not your son.” She hissed out.

“You keep telling yourself that Olivia.” And with that he turned away from her and began to walk back towards the steps.

It caught her off guard. She had almost prepared herself for another assault, mentally readied herself to disappear to another place and yet here he was. He was leaving as if she was of little importance, as if he had all the time in the world! A small part of her breathed a deep sigh of relief, and yet another part held a rage that bubbled and boiled inside of her, at the very pit of her stomach, traveling up and up until it encases every fiber of her being. And suddenly she felt the words form on her tongue and she knew they were stupid words, suicidal even, but she let them spill forth anyway, “I’m gonna kill you!” She wasn’t sure what it would accomplish, if anything, but  _ damn  _ did it feel great, “I swear to God this time I’m going to make you beg me for mercy and then I’m going to put a bullet between your eyes.”

And he stopped in his tracks and turned around, shock written all over his face, as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. And then he gave a dry laugh, as if he thought he might be going a little crazy, hearing her say that, “You know what I noticed about you Olivia? You have an awful habit of writing checks that your ass can’t cash. I mean you promised Noah that his family was coming to save you two and yet...where are they? Oh that’s right, they have no idea where we are, and they aren’t going to make it here on time. And you keep telling me that you’re gonna kill me, that you’re gonna get out of this but let’s face the facts here. If you couldn’t escape even with Noah’s help how the hell do you think you’re gonna do without?” He walked up to her and motioned with his finger, “Stand up.”

“No.” Olivia snapped, staring up at him defiantly and shaking her head.

“You know what I think?” He leaned down over her, “I think that you want me to hurt you, you want me to rape you. I mean why else would you be practically begging me to hurt you! Has it been that long since another man touched you or is your little ADA friend just not enough?”

Olivia lurched forward before she even knew what she was doing to try and attack him, only to be stopped by the sudden and burning pain from behind. She saw white for a moment, crying out in pain. Her wrists! She’d forgotten about her wrists stilled cuffed behind the bar and the raw bloodied mess that they’d become in her incessant pulling.

“Aw…” He feigned concern, “What have you done to those pretty little wrists of yours?” He walked around her and to the back, poking one of her wrists rather harshly, eliciting a hiss of pain and barely audible expletives from her, “You managed to do a number on yourself huh? Well, why don’t we take these off for now, I don’t think you’re going anywhere anytime soon.”

She thought it was some sort of cruel joke, he wasn’t dumb enough to actually uncuff her was he? Well, apparently today could be her lucky day because a few moments later she heard the cuffs clatter to the ground and her wrists free of the cold metal. Immediately she pulled them forward, inhaling sharply at the sight. She had expected red lines of irritation from the pulling but she didn’t realize that she’d pulled so long and hard that they had managed to cut into her skin and the rubbing ripped away a few layers of skin, leaving blood in their path.

She didn’t have time to assess any of the other damage, as every thought of injury left her head when she felt him flush against her back, fingertips ghosting on her hips, just below where the band of her underwear rested. He rested his head against hers, she could feel his cheek against her forehead.

He was warm in comparison to the rather chilled temperature of the basement. She hated it, it made him feel too human. The rational part of her brain told her that of course, because he was human. The rest of her however said otherwise, that this was the devil himself come to take her soul and drag it to hell.

She sucked in a harsh breath, clenched her fists at her sides, trying her best not to give him a reaction. She knew he was doing this to get a rise out of her and she wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction. However it was becoming increasingly difficult, hands moving up and under her sweater, barely touching her skin.

Finally she felt his hands touch her body and she resisted the urge to flinch, they were like ice against her skin, going still on her waist. Olivia thought that perhaps he’d gotten bored, she wasn’t putting up a fight, he couldn’t enjoy himself if she wasn’t fighting him. Wishful thinking really, moments later his hands were groping her breasts as well as any other part he could get his hands on, much to her dismay. She could stay still no longer, shaking her head and trying to squirm her way out of his grip.

But he wasn’t letting go. She heard a laugh grumbled somewhere in his throat, a hand finally coming from under her sweater only to harshly grip her face and force her to turn her head. She stayed tight lipped when he slammed his lips against hers, refusing to give him the satisfaction.

However Lewis was not to be deterred, an annoyed growl rising in his throat. His hand moved from her face up to her nose, pinching tightly. Immediately Olivia knew what he was doing and a panic rose from within her, she would have to breath sometime, which meant opening her mouth. He pulled away for a brief moment, “You’ve got to breathe sometime sweetheart.” It was a statement but to Olivia it felt like a thinly veiled threat. Then again, everything he said  **was** a thinly veiled threat.

He was right though, soon after his mouth forced itself back onto hers and the pinching on her nose became tighter she found black specs beginning to dance in front of her eyes. She knew she couldn’t hold out any longer, and her body made the decision for her, opening her mouth to try and take in air, only for him to force his tongue in her mouth, his hand moving from her nose to grab her chin again, forcing her head to stay where it was no matter how hard she tried to turn away. She resisted the urge to gag, her arms going up and trying to pry his hand off of her, a loud whine rising in her throat. She had to do something to get him to stop!-

So Olivia did the only thing she really could do in that position, and she bit down on his tongue. Not so hard as if she were trying to bite it off, but enough that the sharp metallic taste of his blood filled her mouth and she heard him make a noise she could only describe as a yelp. For a second she was satisfied, his hands left her body and he recoiled from her, allowing her a moment to breath. She turned to get a good look at what little damage she’d been able to do only to be met with a slap so harsh that her head snapped to the side.

“You dumb bitch!” He sounded angry but when Olivia turned around she found him smirking at her as if he had almost  _ wanted  _ her to retaliate, as if he’d been waiting to see how much it would take for her composure to break, “That was really, really stupid sweetheart, I can’t let that go unpunished.”

Everything in her brain screamed at her to run, to make a break for it and try to get away and yet her body stayed still as a statue, staring at him with eyes wide as dinner plates, she imagined she probably looked like a possum about to faint from fear. Running was suicide, she knew that much.

_ “Does it even matter anymore Olivia? Run! You’re a dead woman walking either way.”  _ The voice she heard in her head wasn’t her own inner voice this time. This voice was nasty, sneering at her, daring her… She still had enough sense in her to ignore it though, he would shoot her sure but there was no way he’d shoot her dead, not yet. “That was your fault!” Her voice crackled.

“My fault? Nah, wasn’t my fault. You could’ve just taken it, like a good little whore but you had to go and ruin the moment by biting me like the animal you are.” He walked up to her, pulling the gun out and, even though he realized she wasn’t as terrified of it as she had been previously, it was the best weapon he’d had on hand for now, and pushing her hair off her face with it, meeting her petrified gaze.

“I can think of something else for you to do with that pretty little mouth of yours, other than running it like you have been.” He tapped the barrel against her lips, holding back a laugh as she flinched. Suddenly she recalled something he’d said earlier on their drive, she hadn’t given it much thought since but now?

_ “Close your mouth sweetheart, it’s not time for that, yet.” _

Despite the temperature in the basement she started to feel a cold sweat form on the back of her neck and suddenly she had a very old memory return to her, as vivid as if it had happened just days before, instead of the lifetime it had felt like for years now.

Sealview Correctional Facility. February 26th 2008.

She’d promised herself that she wouldn’t let her guard down again, she wasn’t going to fall into such a compromising position and yet here she was, a decade later, isolated and alone with a man who’d waited 4 years to exact revenge against her. This time Fin wasn’t there to save her, no one was.

“No,” She choked out, as tears burned her eyes and soon began flowing freely, shaking her head as if she could somehow shake away the tears and the pain she felt seizing in her chest.

Lewis looked genuinely surprised, “Not your first time being told to get on your knees is it?” His eyes held some sort of realization, “Someone else tried to do this to you before didn’t they? Who?” His curiosity was comparable to a child’s, he wanted to know and he wouldn’t stop asking until he got the answers he so desperately craved.

That was one secret that would die with her. She didn’t care how he tortured her to try and get the truth she wouldn’t admit to him that she came that close to being raped 5 years prior to her encounter with him.

“Tell me, now, or you might as well get on your knees.” 

Olivia shook her head once more, taking a deep breath, “Go fuck yourself.” A bit of pride swelled in her chest, she had said it with convict, she wasn’t afraid, dauntlessly she would even go so far as to say. Of course, strength was not allowed to blossom within her, not if Lewis had anything to say about. While he said nothing though, Olivia barely registered him moving when she suddenly felt something cold and hard slam into the side of her head.

And then she slipped into darkness.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A new chapter???? I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to get this chapter out! I've hit this point of sudden writer's block so updates may be more spaced out than they were previously. I did have some difficulty writing this chapter, especially when it comes to one incident I'm sure you'll be able to identify, that was particularly...gross for me to write but I included it because I do believe it's in Lewis's awful nature to do it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**5:47PM**

Lewis was quickly becoming frustrated; both with the lack of anything to listen to on the radio as well as the sniffling, teary eyed mess that he now called his son, in the backseat. Noah had yet to stop crying, despite how long it had been since he separated him from his mother, “You have to stop crying sometime, you’re gonna run out of tears.”

“Shut up!” Noah snapped in between hiccups, arms crossed angrily as he turned away, a pout on his face.

“Ooh, someone’s in a mood.” He mocked, rolling his eyes, “I mean it Noah, you’re gonna make yourself sick if you don’t calm down.”

“Leave me alone!” Another angry and upset yell came from the backseat.

One of his hands twitched slightly on the steering wheel. Backtalk was not something he was going to tolerate but hitting him while they were driving wasn’t smart either, so he pushed the urge down and continued on in silence.

Leaving the cabin was a risk, but one he was willing to take. He needed to get some supplies from the hardware store. After all he knew he didn’t have much more time with Olivia, realistically they would find him sooner rather than later and transporting her elsewhere was too much of a risk. He wanted to make the most of the time he had left before he ended her miserable life.

The only mercy he was going to allow her at the end of this was death.

“Can I trust you to stay in the car for 10 minutes by yourself or do I have to worry about you running away”? Lewis parked and turned, looking at the boy.

Noah just sat there pouting.

“Well ok, but if I get back out here and you’ve tried to run off or you’re throwing a tantrum you are going to like me even less, understand?” He didn’t expect a response, but it seemed his point got across because Noah’s expression looked slightly crestfallen as he got out of the car and locked the doors.

He entered the store knowing exactly what he wanted, running down the list in his head; scissors and rope, a couple other tools that, depending on the person, could be used by someone doing repair work or a serial killer.

He was just lucky this was a small sleepy town, to be completely honest he was just lucky in general, not that he deserved the good luck he’d had. Setting down his items on the counter he pulled out his wallet, just wanting to get out of there with as little interaction as possible.

“Doing some renovations huh?” The store clerk made small talk.

Of course, he wasn’t getting away that easily, “Fixing up some things at my cabin I didn’t realize needed fixing.” Lewis laughed lightheartedly.

“I’m surprised, we don’t get many people up at their cabins this time of year, getting away from the big city huh?”

“Yeah,” A small part of him wondered if the man was catching on to him, “I came up with my wife and our son last night, noticed some things needed fixing up so I thought I should get on it before it becomes a bigger issue.”

The clerk nodded practically, “Smart man, here you are sir.” And the clerk handed him the bag. Again, the thought played in his head that he seemed to undeserving of such luck yet here it was.

When he returned to the car he slung the bag into the backseat and Noah, out of curiosity turned to look at the bag, silent as Lewis got into the car and started driving back to the cabin.

“What’s all this stuff for?” Finally the boy could hold back the burning question no longer. Lewis couldn’t help but think that children were just so strange. A second ago he’d wanted nothing to do with him and now he was talking to him as if nothing had been wrong.

For a moment Lewis contemplating telling Noah to harsh truth, that those tools were going to be used to maim and torture his mother. Noah was 4 though, as he recalled, and a 4 year old was unlikely to fully understand what that meant. Torture was not a word that would be in a normal child’s vocabulary. Hurt, was the word that Noah would be more familiar but he already knew that he was hurting her. Part of him wanted to keep a little piece of Noah’s innocence intact, something he could still rip away from the child later on in life.

“I’ll tell you what those are for when you’re a little older honey.”

Noah was silent the rest of the drive back. Even at his age he could tell that it didn’t mean anything good. His mother always taught him that when people held back information or lied it was usually because they had bad intentions. Noah was more like his mother than anyone really even knew. Eventually though, Lewis would find that out.

* * *

When they arrived back at the cabin Lewis nudged Noah towards his room quickly locking him in. The coming night was truly going to be a night to remember and he found his hands were even shaking slightly with anticipation. He missed this. The chase, the push and pull, the taste of his girls despair. 4 years had felt like a lifetime. It certainly had been plenty of time to think and Olivia Benson had consumed much of his thoughts.

He was pissed to hear about her rise in the ranks, how she went about life so...blissfully unaffected by him. It wasn’t fair! Why should she be able to move forward as if she didn’t attempt to murder him! Of course, he knew he deserved every inch of that beating but that didn’t make it in any way fair. They didn’t convict him of her attempted rape but everyone but Bronwyn seemed so blind to her lies! She had beat him and yet she suffered nothing.

He had been desperate to see her again during his time in Rikers. Sure, Dr. Cole was a pretty face to look at especially when he could see the sickening pity in her eyes, but she wasn’t Olivia. Even if it had been just a glimpse of that beautiful face, those wispy brown locks that she had chopped before the trial...But he wasn’t that fortunate. In all of his four years he never caught so much as a glimpse at her. Part of him now was fine that it had been that way. It made their meeting in the apartment that much more special for him, to see her before she recognized him, to see how she had changed in their time apart. He had fantasized about what he was going to do when he got his hands on her, about every awful little detail. Hell, even about the way she would scream and cry and beg. Everything had fallen together nicely. 

Well, everything except for Noah. The true testament to her strength was that little boy, the fact that she had moved forward so far with her life that she had a  _ child _ -

He prided himself on knowing how many lives he’d ruined. The women who would never be able to have normal relationships, the women who knew he got away with what he’d done to them and knew he could be out there waiting to end it all. Olivia hadn’t had that fear because she’d done what the rest of them couldn’t. She’d locked him in a cage, and moved on. He admired her resilience, truthfully, and yet at the same time he despised it. She wouldn’t get a second chance at resilience, not this time.

Lewis didn’t have time to waste now. If Olivia thought the worst he could do was rape her she was about to find out just how truly awful the Beast could be.

 

**7:00PM**

Olivia finally began to return to the world, slowly. For a moment she thought she might be dead, but when greeted with blissful silence she exhaled a long breath. It felt like she’d been hit by a bus, her head drooping forward. She had yet to open her eyes, already nausea swirled in her stomach from the dizziness that was beginning to overtake her.

“Ah...hey there,” She cringed at how soft and sweet his voice sounded, “I didn’t mean to hit you so hard, you know how I am. I just got carried away.” He almost sounded apologetic, “Open your eyes baby, look at me.” He was right in front of her, she could feel his presence looming curiously, waiting.

Olivia opened her eyes, meeting his with a look that could strike down God himself.

“Don’t feel like talking huh?” His mouth twitched for a second, she assumed it was an effort to keep an eager smile at bay, what the fuck was he even smiling about anyway?

Then she felt it. When she tried to move arms at first, and then her legs. Breaking their stare she looked down, a wave of nausea hitting her harshly again. She was in a chair, her wrists tied down to the arms of the chair and her ankles tied to the side of the chair’s legs. Her head snapped up, suddenly she was beginning to forget about the pain and the fear began to take over again.

“You were out for so long I got bored, decided to try something,” He paused as if trying to figure out the best word, “...different.” And without warning he kissed her. This time it wasn’t a crushing one, it was almost more of a peck, forcing her attention to focus on him. She knew that he was going to assault her again but that didn’t make it any easier, “You see even though prison fucking sucked I did manage to pick up little tricks from...other individuals I’m sure you probably had a hand in putting away, the ones as clinically fucked as I am. There are...so many interesting things you hear in prison Olivia, but you wouldn’t know that would you?”

It was rhetorical, Olivia sat silent, stone faced and glaring at him, doing her best to come across as stoic and cold rather than to show him how terrified she was.

“Still not in the mood then huh? That’s fine, I don’t think you’re going to have much to say anyway.” He turned away and walked over to a small table in the basement, she’d noticed it earlier but hadn’t thought to look to see if that bag was there before, but it was obvious to her that it was a new bag and he was pulling something out of it, hiding it quickly behind his back with one hand.

She could only speculate that it was something he was going to use to torture her.

He approached her with a studied calmness, his free hand going up to caress her cheek, staring in an almost loving manner.

“Why the fuck are you staring at me.” She spat out hatefully.

“Oh be quiet, I was trying to enjoy that beautiful face of yours. I was thinking about how it’s going to look when you’ve got pain written all over it,” He paused, his thumb running over her lips before his hand rested on her cheek, “I was thinking about how it’ll look after you die. Not just immediately after of course but in the future. When Noah grows up I wonder if he’ll think about it too. His mother’s beautiful face collapsed in, how she’ll look less and less like the woman he remembers and more and more like any plain old Halloween skeleton.” He chuckled at the last part, “Or maybe he won’t remember what you looked like at all, I’m not sure.”

She felt something then, it was cold against her knee, she broke his gaze and looked down, eyes widening to see the slivers of metal. Scissors, from what she could tell, brand new, untarnished blade glinting menacingly when the light hit it.

Her mouth went dry and she could feel her heart rate skyrocket. All Olivia wanted was to be strong and yet here she was, terrified, “Lewis…”

“Ssh ssh…” He leaned down, pressing his forehead against hers, running the scissors along her her leg softly, “You can beg if you want, in fact I encourage it. But it won’t do you any good.”

“No...Don’t.” She wasn’t sure what else to say, other than to plead. She knew that she was appealing to what might as well be a brick wall. She learned in the first few days they’d spent together that when his mind was made up there was very little she could do to change it, other than to provoke him into doing something different but usually as equally awful.

“Do you remember the first time we met? In the interrogation room?” His eyes weren’t on hers anymore, rather they were following the scissors, blades open as he ran them up and down her leg softly, tempted to cut the soft flesh beneath and yet barely scraping by, leaving a slight burn in their wake.

“I do.” He began again, “I remember it like it was yesterday. I knew as soon as you walked into the room that you weren’t like the others. I knew you were a whole different sort of animal and I just,” He chuckled, “I knew I had to have you.” She sharply inhaled when he applied just a tiny bit more pressure, stopping in the middle of her upper leg, just threatening to break the skin, “You were so sure of yourself, so confident. You saw right through all of my excuses.” He sighed dreamily.

She remembered it too, likely just as vividly as he did. She wondered if it were hundreds or thousands of times she’d gone over that exchange in her head, racking her brain for any sign or warning that he would target her. Nothing ever indicated from her that he had thought of her this way, “We weren’t made for each other.” Was all she could manage to say.

The pressure got worse and Olivia hissed slightly in pain as the scissors just barely broke skin, he dragged it up an inch before pulling them away, his smile widening at the thin red cut, a drop of blood oozing out, “I wanted so much to tear down that strong and confident woman. When you had to make a decision I wanted to be that voice at the back of your head that whispered, ‘Are you sure that’s the right choice?’ But I don’t think I was I mean it’s like you said, you moved on, got a better position, had a kid. Obviously I didn’t do a very good job the first time, but then again I never got to go all the way with you. It’s a real shame that I have to kill you, believe me Olivia I don’t want to.”

A bitter laugh bubbled up within her, as insane as it was she was  _ laughing  _ at the absurdity of the statement. He stared at her for a moment, unsure and admittedly surprised by her reaction. Everyone dealt with the idea of death differently though and who was he to judge? Finally he gave a breathy laugh, “What’re you laughing about? I didn’t think you’d find this situation funny.”

“I think it’s funny because you say that you have to kill me and yet you don’t want to. You have free will you know, you don’t have to do anything.”

“If I left you alive you’d follow me to the ends of earth trying to save your kid, that itself would kill you.” She laughed again, as if he were crazy, “It’s true! Even if you don’t know it I do. I mean how could you live with yourself knowing you’re no longer Lieutenant Olivia Benson of NYPD, and instead Olivia Benson, 20 years on the job and couldn’t save herself from being raped, couldn’t save her son from being kidnapped? Everyone; your superiors, your coworkers, the lawyers...they’re all going to look at you as a victim.”

He was right, a fact she wasn’t ready to admit to him, but he was right, “You know that no matter what happens, if I live or die, you are never going to get away with him? My team will never stop hunting you, they will never stop looking for Noah.”

“Let’s not focus on him right now, ok? This is our time, pretend as if he doesn’t exist because in a little bit here all you’ll be thinking about is me.” The knife returned to her leg, and she failed to suppress the urge to flinch, “It’ll be a long time before I have to make any split second decisions on your fate.”

When he finally went silent Olivia thought she might feel relief. The dread seemed to seep in further, the only sound she could hear being her shaky, labored breathing. She was so desperate to stay calm as the scissors move around, from one leg to the other, scraping slightly, digging in a little harder in some places. She closed her eyes, scared to look at down at her legs and even though she knew the damage wouldn’t be bad yet she was still scared to look.

Then she felt a hand grip her sweater, tugging the hem away from where it had rested, bunched on her hips and her eyes snapped open just in time to see it resting between the scissor blades, waiting as if he was contemplating his next move, “Something’s bothered me from the very beginning of this y’know?” He started up again, “You said you trusted Amanda and I’m just not understanding why. I know 4 years is a long time but she’s the one who brought me in. In fact I would go so far as to say that you’re in this situation right now because of her actions. So...why? Why her? Why not Mr. Barba or maybe your partner, what was his name again? Nick?”

“I don’t blame her for anything, she was doing her job. Nick is gone, has been for 2 years now, I trust Amanda. I knew that I wouldn’t have to explain to her what it meant, that she would just know.” They had a rocky start as partners and coworkers but as time went on they became closer. The two of them were single mothers, they shared very similar struggles, similar traumas. Some nights they would be up until 1 or 2 in the morning just talking, especially if it had been a hard case they’d gone over the day prior. She told Amanda all of her nightmares, all of her fears especially post-Lewis, and in return Amanda would share how she was feeling, how she fared after Chief Patton had raped her, how she was still coping. They shared a bond that no one else could understand and Olivia cherished that.

“Gone? Jesus Olivia you seem to drive people away from you when you try to keep them. I mean first your cop boyfriend, then your partner? How long would it have been before that ADA got sick of you?” He sneered the last part, breaking his calm facade for a second.

For Olivia, it was just enough to understand something: He was  _ jealous _ . “I don’t know what you think you know but there is no relationship between he and I, not the way you’re thinking.”

“You know you aren’t very good at lying. I know you two are more than coworkers, he seemed pretty upset when Noah and I called him. He called him...what was it again?  _ Mijo,  _ that means son right? So explain to me that Olivia, why would a man who you aren’t in a relationship with be calling Noah his son?”

“It’s an expression,” She’d heard Rafael call him that before and not that she minded it, in this situation it seemed to be causing her more harm than good.

“Don’t lie to me Olivia. I hate it when women like you do that, you really think I’m that dumb?” He rolled his eyes just as the scissors returned to right leg. Then, and without any warning, without even so much as a twitch of hesitation he sliced. Immediately Olivia cried out in pain, looking down in panic to see that he had cut across thigh. It wasn’t a fatal wound, she knew that but damn was it bleeding a lot. She wished that the sensation of warm blood dripping down her leg made her pass out but instead she was acutely away of every little part of her wound.

He was staring with all the fascination of a teenage boy in a biology classroom taking part in a dissection experiment, “Ha! Would you look at that, that’s…” He seemed at a loss for words, breaking his stare at it to look her in the eyes again, “You know I never was too big into cutting, I’m a bit of a pyromaniac and all but I can certainly see the appeal of it.”

Olivia is left with shaking breaths, trying her best to calm down, trying to convince herself that the wound wasn’t as bad as her brain seemed to be making it for her, that she could get through this pain. She was sure she had cried out loud enough for Noah to hear upset, a twinge of guilt twisting in her heart at the thought of frightening him.

It seemed like an eternity he was silent, running the scissors along her legs, scraping in some places, lightly cutting in others. Nothing was as bad as that first slash but it didn’t mean that her other wounds did not hurt, did not make the tears well up in her eyes and stream down her face involuntarily. She bit down on her lip so hard, not wanting to scream or cry out for fear of Noah hearing it, that she could taste blood in her mouth.

It couldn’t have more than 15 or 20 minutes that he continued doing the tentative assault, admiring the bright red scraps, the drops of blood drying on her already bruised skin. His mood soured at her lack of reaction though. She was starting to become increasingly boring. He wanted to see fear in her eyes, he wanted her to cry and beg for mercy! And yet here she was, all of the stone cold goddess he remembered. It pissed him off. No, this was  **his** game and they were playing by  **his** rules!

The scissors moved from the front of her legs and onto her inner thigh, pressing lightly. Finally, he saw a twinge of fear swirl in her eyes, desperately trying to close her legs.

“Not so easy now is it? No miraculous escape this time.” Olivia wanted to spit in his face, she could hear the lust in his voice...He was getting off on it! The blades moved upwards along her inner thigh, coming up to where her panties were before he yanked them away, a loud gasp leaving Olivia’s body; for a moment she thought perhaps he’d cut her but the lack of pain told her he hadn’t.

“You know while I do enjoy seeing you squirm I’m starting to get a little bored. I think it’s time to move on to something different, how about you?” He looked at her for any sign of breaking, even the whisper of a plea for mercy on her lips. Nothing. She had steeled herself against him and she was not going to give him what he wanted so easily, not even after he’d cut her.

“Sure, whatever you want Lewis, you’re in control.” She hissed bitterly, blinking back tears from the lingering pain.

“That’s true, I am in control. But sometimes being in control isn’t as fun as you’d think, especially if I’m not getting what I really want.” He set the scissors down on the table before slowly walking around her, standing just behind her so that no matter how she craned her neck she could no longer see him, “The issue here is that I want you to break and well, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen, you always were stronger than the others. You aren’t going to give me the satisfaction are you?”

Part of her wanted to cry and accept fate, just give him what he wanted and perhaps he wouldn’t go as hard on her, but that was wishful thinking. The fast she gave in the quicker he’d get bored, and the quicker he got bored the quicker he would kill her.

She shook her head, “I’m not giving you shit.” She was strong, she wasn’t a frightened victim like all of his others had been, she was different. If she could survive it once she could survive it again.

“Oh Olivia, if only you knew what I have planned. I’m going to take those words and shove them back down your throat.” 

“You know you seem to be all talk and little action!” Olivia baited, “Yeah sure, you’ve raped me once, cut me up a little, burned me, you’ve hit me more times than I care to recall,” She scoffed, “This is all pretty typical stuff for you and garden variety for most of the sexual sadists I’ve had the pleasure of locking in a cage and yet you keep going on and on about what you have planned but I haven’t experienced anything that I would call out of the ordinary for you.”

There was nothing but silence from the man behind her. A small, miniscule victory for her, seeming to have deprived him of a snarky comeback. If only she could see the smirk on his face.

She heard a sigh come from behind her, “Well, I’m glad you think that up until now has been child’s play, but I do agree everything I’ve done has been what you’d expect.” Olivia heard the tapping of his shoes against the concrete of the basement floor as he approached her from him, putting his hands on her shoulders, “You know what one of the greatest things about prison was? It was getting to meet other men just like me. You learn new tricks, new information.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, “There was one in particular I’ve been dying to try out.”

She felt his hands move, snacking around her midsection before seeming to resume the assault from earlier in the day. His hands harshly grasping at her breasts, she could feel him kissing her neck. She’d lost the ability to fight back this time, her arms and legs were tied too tightly, as he said there was no breaking free. So she sat there and she endured it.

Until one of his hands left her chest, moving down her body slowly, stopping for a moment on her stomach; a small reminder to Olivia that perhaps killing her would be mercy, spare her the humiliation of following in her mother’s footsteps. And then the wandering hand moved down even further before dipping into her underwear. Immediately her gut reaction was to jerk her whole body; both in an attempt to get his hand out as well as solely due to the sheer shock she felt.

And he laughed. A cruel laugh that she didn’t think could possibly come from a human, “If there’s one thing that will be betray you Olivia it’s this”

The touching was terrible, and a whine gurgled in her throat, her body trying desperately to move. She knew what he was doing, in the way he touched her; in the way he rubbed and grabbed at her, his head rested against hers the whole time while she floundered around in her restraints like a fish out of water, unable to break free.

It was humiliating. That small voice in the back of her head sounded so different now, it sounded like a different person instead of herself and no matter how hard it tried to reassure her she took no comfort in its soft and pitying tone.

_ “Hey. Your body is reacting the way it’s programmed to react. It doesn’t mean you want it and it certain doesn’t mean that you weren’t raped. You’ve seen this in other cases, you know that it’s your body’s way of making the situation more comfortable, to make sure you’re in less pain.” _

But it certainly felt that way to her. How could she ever say she was raped? He wasn’t raping her in that moment, instead he was touching her as if they were lovers, as if this was perfectly normal and that they both wanted this.

She didn’t want it, and feeling her body react to his ministrations made her wish she was dead in that moment. It didn’t help that he just kept at it knowingly. Her breathing had hitched to a shaky fast pace, and she was horrified when her legs started quivering, even though it was just slight she knew he noticed. Nothing was going unnoticed under his watchful eye.

“No-!” She whined out loudly tears wetting her cheeks as she shook her head so vigorously she might give herself whiplash.

“That didn’t sound like a no to me sweetheart.” He taunted. It was fun, he had to admit, for her to know that her body was reacting while her mind kept telling her it was wrong was interesting to see play out. 

There was one thing he knew he could use to his advantage that Olivia wouldn’t expect: She had this image of him in her head, as all of his girls did, that he was some sort of monster, incapable of anything but violence. 

However that wasn’t really true, if it had been he wouldn’t have gotten away with his crimes for this long. Sure, he did awful things he could admit that much but it didn’t mean he wasn’t human. He’d had plenty of consensual partners before, namely his lawyers, he knew his way around a woman’s body. No matter how much he’d burned them or raped them he was sure it didn’t compare to the humiliation of having their own body betray them.

“Sucks doesn’t it?” He broke the silence, smirking when he heard her loudly whimper, “You have such control over your mental state, I admire that about you Olivia. You’re so good at convincing yourself to be strong, not to give in no matter what I do...But if there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that your body will always betray you.”

“Stop it,” Olivia hissed through clenched teeth, ignoring the way her legs shook as she desperately pulled against her bindings, “Lewis please-!” She felt her face go hot with embarrassment. 

“Please what baby, what do you want me to do?”

She couldn’t stand the baiting, the way he was turning and manipulating her pleas for him to stop into her actually  _ wanting  _ it, “Fuck you.” She hissed out.

“Fuck  _ me _ ?” He chuckled, pressing a harsh kiss to her neck, “I think it’s the other way around sweetheart. But if you’d like to...” Of course he knew what she really meant, she was making it too easy for him!

Olivia bit her tongue, to stop another lewd sounding noise or a plea for him to leave her alone she wasn’t entirely sure which, but she knew that the more she talked the more seemed to play exactly into his goading. So instead she focused on doing whatever she could to shut herself down physically, taking deep breaths to steady herself, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to ignore his hands…

And for a second it seemed that did the trick because he seemed to get tired of it and just as abruptly as it happened it seemed to end as he drew back, removing his hands from her. Olivia couldn’t help but sigh in relief, ignoring how her body seemed to despise the sudden barrenness. 

“Huh.” She heard him from behind her, sounding amused, “You’re pretty wet for someone whose about to be raped.” When he leaned in even closer she could feel warm breath against her the nape of her neck, “I think you want this.”

  
A small part of her, deep within cried out,  _ “No! You know I don’t want this, you know that my body is reacting the way it naturally knows how to react and you’re using it against me. Stop it and leave me alone!”  _ She just shut down, ignoring the tears that cascaded down her face, ignoring the sniffles that seized in her chest. She was sure she was ignoring more lewd taunts from her rapist but she couldn’t be certain. She sat limp like a doll, if Lewis wanted to take then he was going to take, it was in his nature and it was what Olivia herself had come to expect. When finally she surfaced to the cruel reality he had her on the ground, arms pinned above her head with the cuffs wrapped right back around that same pole, his hands groping her, his mouth on her neck kissing harshly...It was disgusting, her stomach flopped again and she almost wished she had food in her stomach to vomit out, at least it would feel better than dry heaving. Instead the only thing she could do in that situations was turn her head to the side and force her consciousness below the surface, ignore the vicious assault on her body. When finally he forced himself inside of her (she thought perhaps he’d made some sort of awful comment about how much better it was now after he’d touched her but she couldn’t be too sure, truthfully she didn’t want to know either), that small voice from within, pleading with her to be strong, suddenly went silent and the part of Olivia it left behind mourned it’s departure, knowing that no matter what happened, that small part of her would remain tortured here for eternity.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter! It's been a hectic few weeks but I finally was able to get it out! Thank you so much for reading and more on the way hopefully soon! I know that this is a long fic, longer than I had originally intended but right now it looks like it may end up being 20-25 chapters but don't quote me on that! Again, thank you so much for sticking around and reading!

**8:00AM**

“You’re out of time, I have to take this to 1PP and if you’ll forgive me for saying it, you all look like hell.” Dodds had gone to them first out of respect; He knew they tried their hardest and he admired their efforts but they were no closer to Olivia than they had been 24 hours before. It wasn’t as if he wanted to take this all to 1PP, he didn’t want to jeopardize Olivia or Noah’s lives, but he had to do his job.

The glares from the rest of them told him that they saw him as an enemy.

If being honest made him the enemy then fine, he would be the enemy, not as if he didn’t already have plenty of those anyway, “I don’t want to take any of you off the case, mainly because I know none of you are going to give a damn about what I say but you all need rest.”

Unsurprisingly, Amanda was the first person to open her mouth, ready to argue. So he just cut her off, “None of you are any good to Olivia and Noah if you’re all suffering from sleep deprivation.” He couldn’t help but feel a little pleased when she shut her mouth. He was right, a fact that they seldom would admit, and certainly they wouldn’t to his face.

“Tell them to tread lightly at the very least? If he thinks he can get away with Noah he’ll kill her and run with him but if he gets boxed in he’ll kill the both of them.” Amanda blurted out before walking past Dodds and towards the breakroom.

She’d never been fond of him, not that Dodds really cared what she thought of him.

“Promise me that you’ll get some rest, alright?” He turned to look at Fin who gave the man a hesitant nod. They’d been up most of the night, sleeping in shifts in between calls to other precincts and trying to follow up on any viable tips that came through.

“I’ll try chief.” Fin responded, voice thick with exhaustion.

“I don’t take this lightly and I will take into account your warnings. Is there anyway that this should be presented the press?” 

To the three men sitting there it was a surprise for Chief Dodds to ask for their input in any matters, but this was different, and they could tell the older man was starting to feel the pressure.

“Don’t give away too much.” Sonny started, “He might be watching, he might not.”

“I don’t think it matters.” Barba added, a sour note to his voice, “He won’t be watching. He’s probably too busy doing awful things to Liv and Noah while we sit here and blindly flail around for answers.” The more time passed the less optimistic Barba felt about finding them alive, either of them. 

He couldn’t help but replay the phone call in his head. William Lewis wasn’t equipped to be have a child, let alone Olivia Benson’s child. Children needed love and protection, two fundamental things that Lewis would never in a million years be able to sincerely provide.

Rafael tried not to think of worst case scenarios, but he knew that in this situation the worst case scenario was a very real, terrifying possibility. If Olivia ended up dead then their main focus would have to trying to get Noah back and even then, even if they succeeded in getting Noah back safely, which, itself was highly unlikely in that situation, then what? Noah didn’t have anyone but Olivia, both of his biological parents were dead, Olivia was unmarried. They would have a severely traumatized child who would either have to stay with one of them or enter the foster care system again.

It didn’t matter what they did, or what happened even because Lewis had won the game before anyone had known it had even started.

Sonny contemplated for a second reaching out to his former mentor, try to console him in some way. This was painful for all of them sure but Rafael seemed to be taking it pretty badly. Instead he opted for what he hoped would be words of comfort, “Hey Barba? We’re going to find them okay?”

The frigid side-eyed glare he received was enough of a response for him to get the hint.

“Well if anything else comes up, anything at all, I want to be the first to know. Understood?”

“Yeah chief, we got it.” Fin watched the man turn around and leave, resisting the urge to make a snide remark.

And with that their “boss” made his exit, leaving the rest of them with a hollow pit in their stomachs. They hadn’t wanted this to go public but Lewis seemed to be 10 steps ahead of them everytime they caught a new lead.

“Look, I know you don’t want to but you two,” Fin motioned to Carisi and Barba, “need to get some rest. Barba you really shouldn’t even be here.”

“Oh I shouldn’t be here? I shouldn’t be here!?” He snapped.

“Yeah, you know why? Because you’re a lawyer, not a cop! You’re lucky you’ve been here this long and I know that you’re just as concerned about them as we are, but you need to take a backseat!” Fin wasn’t sure if it was because he was dead tired but he was tempted to take their ADA’s head off.

So Carisi stepped in, to be the rational one for once, “Woah, woah, woah!” He stepped between the two, risking his head, “We’re all tired, alright? How do you think Liv would feel, seeing you two argue like this?”

The two fell silent, Carisi had said something right, “I can tell you she wouldn’t be happy, I can tell you that this is probably what Lewis wants, for us to turn against each other like a pack of wild dogs or something.”

Rafael stood, silent, before grabbing his jacket off the back of the chair, “I’m heading back to my apartment then, I don’t think my back can take another nap in these chairs.” He sighed, finally meeting Fin’s eyes, “I’m sorry for snapping I’m just…” He trailed off shaking his head, “I can’t stop thinking about what’s happening to them. Call me, if anything comes up before I come back, alright?”

“Will do, and Barba?” He waited for the man to turn around, “Don’t do anything stupid.” He didn’t need to risk their ADA going in the wind to try and be the hero, in fact he didn’t need any of them breaking procedure to be the hero.

Rafael gave a nod before heading out of the precinct.

“Carisi-” Fin started.

“When Amanda wakes up, I’ll go get some rest. You get some rest, okay? I’m good, one of us needs to stay awake just in case we get a lead.” 

Fin was too tired to argue with Carisi, he knew he wasn’t about to break the man’s resolve, plus, he needed the rest. After giving him a weary glance he sighed, “Alright, but if you do manage to get somewhere you come and wake me up, alright?”

“Got it Fin.” And with that Carisi plopped down at his desk, picking up the original case file and cracking it open, watching as the worn and tired man made his way back to the breakroom.  _ “Alright Carisi, go over this file again, see if you can find anything, any clues! Lieu and Noah are relying on you.”  _ He whispered to himself.

Two days had already felt like two weeks, and even a day had felt too long for comfort.

Carisi stood, rubbing his unfocused eyes before walking over to the map. This triangle, it had to mean something! There was no way that it was a coincidence, nothing Lewis had done up until this point had been.

“Alright,” Usually Carisi didn’t talk out loud to himself but he knew he needed to stay on track and with everyone else resting it was as if he had anyone to bounce his ideas off of, “Lewis likes seclusion, even if we knew which town he has a cabin, so the woods would be ideal.” His finger traced over the different markings on the map. Of course that being said a lot of these areas would be wooded.

However one thing stuck out to Carisi, a large patch of green on the map marked  _ Big Indian Wilderness.  _ “Alright, it’s a start, let’s see where this rabbit hole leads Carisi.” He mumbled, ignoring the odd glances he was getting from coworkers.

30 minutes of work later Carisi had the names of towns in that region scribbled haphazardly on a whiteboard.

Amanda was back up in less than 30 minutes, it wasn’t that she felt well rested or anything but it seemed whenever she closed her eyes that her mind would conjure up vivid awful images, everything that Lewis was doing to Olivia, to Noah. She just couldn’t sleep, not when her mind had become her own worst enemy. Making her way back out into the squad room she quickly poured herself a coffee, grimacing at the first swig. She wasn’t sure if it was just her or if this coffee was old, but it would do, “Carisi,” She walked back into the main area, a little surprised, “Shouldn’t you be trying to get some rest?” She put a tentative hand on his shoulder, a little concerned.

“I wanted to wait until someone else was up just in case. Look at this,” He turned Amanda to the map as well as the whiteboard, “Okay so you told me Lewis takes his victims a second location, somewhere secluded where he would have to worry about being interrupted right?” He waited for her nod, “Okay so within that triangle is where he figured he took them so I looked to see where the most seclusion would be.”

“And?”

“And I figured it to be here,” He pointed to the area of the map marked  _ Big Indian Wilderness _ , “I think he has them somewhere in this area and I know it’s not much, but it’s a start so I wrote down some of the cities that are in that area and I’ve narrowed it down to Phoenicia, Chichester, Mt Tremper, and Lanesville. These are all small towns, small populations, and also have a lot of cabins, rented or personally owned.”

Amanda had to admit, she was impressed. In half an hour Carisi had managed to do what they had been incapable of doing for 2 days, “Carisi this is…” She tried to find her words.

“Completely insane? Probably wrong?” He suggested pessimistically, expecting to be accosted by her.

“No,” She rolled her eyes, “This is a really great start, Carisi. Go get some rest and I’ll look over everything else.” Amanda smiled at him, and then without warning, threw her arms around him and yanked him into a tight hug.

He was surprised, to say the least. Not that Amanda wasn’t usually kind to him but this was the workplace and she was cutting off his air, “Alright, Amanda.” He choked out, taking a deep breath when she finally let him go, “I’m only going to be out for half an hour, okay?”

Amanda nodded, letting him go before getting closer to observe his work. This put them about 5 steps closer to Lewis and he would be none the wiser. As small as it was, a tiny flame flickered inside of her, a flame that she thought had long since burned out,  _ “We’re coming you bastard.”  _

 

**9:41AM**

She had lost count of how many times Lewis had his way with her that night, not that she was really even paying attention, just that at a certain point she lost the will to fight, the will to cry out for him to just leave her alone. 

  
He’d gotten bored at her silence, her lack of struggle, and instead of leaving her alone he’d chosen to have fun with her a different way. Olivia had count 12 cigarette burns by the end, or was it 14? She figured that he’d been down there with her for a few hours, though it felt more like a few days, and by the time he decided to leave her alone she had already let darkness lull her to sleep, the silence a welcome lullaby. 

The dreams came slowly to her, but they were ones from happier times. She could see faces, smiles, her friends and family. They were more like memories than they were dreams and she felt like she was sitting in a theatre watching them. And then just like that they were over, and Olivia’s eyes snapped open, meeting the piercing green of the devil’s eyes.

“Who’s Simon?” 

“...What?” Olivia didn’t recognize her own voice at first; it was so hoarse.

“Who’s Simon?” Lewis asked again, “You were whispering the name Simon, who is he?” Curiosity mixed with jealousy at the end of his words.

Had she been calling out for Simon? All of the memories were mixed together now, perhaps she had been dreaming of her brother. She missed him, they hadn’t been too close but they were family, hell, he’d even named his daughter after her-

“Well, are you going to give me an answer or am I going to have to force it out of you.” His hand traced down her arm, grabbing hold of hers, playing idly with her fingers, “Not that I’d mind doing that. The hard way always seems to be more fun with you.”

She shuddered at the thought of just how he was going to force it out of her, and she wasn’t going to wait and find out, “Simon is my brother.”

“A brother?” His eyes widened in surprise, “Y’know I don’t recall seeing a brother at my trial. You’d think that a brother would want to protect his sister from the big bad wolf, where was he?”

_ “Olivia, please-! What he did to you isn’t right, you’re my sister and I couldn’t protect you! At least let me come to the trial so that I can support you!” _

_ “No, Simon!” Olivia sighed in frustration, pulling the sleeves of her sweater down subconsciously, “This is...my mess and I have to handle it on my own.” _

_ “But that doesn’t mean you have to go through it alone Olivia! I just want to be there for you, like you were for me so many times, why can’t I support you?” _

_ “This is different Simon, he’s going to lie about a lot of things and I don’t want you to hear about them.” That was really only part of the truth; Olivia didn’t want Simon to look at Lewis and know that he hurt his sister, the one he had promised to protect. _

_ Simon took one of his sister’s hands, suppressing the urge to pull her into a hug when she jumped slightly, her hand going stiff, “Please let me help you, you don’t deserve to do this on your own, you deserve to have family to support you. Your mom is gone, our father...” He trailed off, shaking his head, “You almost lost your job to protect me, if it were me in your situation I’d want you there.” _

_ Olivia was silent for a long moment, staring down at their hands and shaking her head, “I don’t want you to see him, and I don’t want him to see you. I know it doesn’t make sense but please, trust me.” _

_ “Your squad can’t be in there though-”  _

_ She cut him off, “Not unless I’m the last to testify and even then, they are there because they are cops but that doesn’t mean I want them there. Believe me, I am...so grateful for everyone’s support, but…” _

_ Simon finally seemed to understand, “You’re scared of what I’ll do when he accuses you of lying.” He finished her statement. _

_ “You, my squad, anyone there who has a personal connection to me. I just want to make sure it’s a clean conviction, he can’t weasel his way out of this again. Be honest with me, what would you do if you saw him, if his lawyer accuses me of lying, about all of it being some...sex game?” _

_ “I’d come across the table and snap his neck.” Simon gave a half hearted chuckle, the bitter cold of New York in December seeming to melt away when he saw Olivia’s smile, warm almost but still holding that forced position. _

_ “Exactly. I can’t give him the chance to bait anyone into attacking him because if he manages to get away with everything…” Her smile faded and a haunted look came across her face, “He will finish what he started and it will not be pretty.” _

_ Simon didn’t want to admit it, but she was right, hell, she was always right, “Okay, I’ll stay away from the trial but, if you ever need anything, if it was a really rough day then please,  _ **_please_ ** _ Olivia, call me. I’m more than happy to come over or if you want to come over I’m sure Tracy would really like to talk to you and you know that little Olivia adores you, so does Ty. We’re you family, let us be there for you.” _

_ Olivia forced another smile on her face and nodded, giving her brother a hug, noting that he hugged back so tightly that one would think she would disappear in a puff of smoke, and they bid each other a silent goodbye before Olivia returned to her apartment, crawling into bed where the nightmares awaited her. _

“I asked him not to come, told him that I was okay, that I didn’t want him to be there…”  _ I knew that the second he laid eyes on you his hands would be around your throat and you’d have a get out of jail free card, I couldn’t let that happen as much as I wanted support. _

“Younger or older?” Lewis produced a bottle of water from behind his back, holding it just above her head, just out of reach.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“No? Why not? What’s the harm in telling me, you’re going to die down here anyway.” He stated bluntly.

It stung, the reality of the statement. He was right; whatever she told him here would stay between them because well, she would be dead and he prefered to keep little secrets like that to himself.

“Younger.” Olivia strained her neck upwards, staring desperately at the water bottle.

He relented; for now that would suffice, and he opened the water bottle holding it to her lips, “Don’t be greedy.” He warned.

As cautiously as her dehydrated body would let her Olivia drank down gulps of water, relishing the cooling effect it had going down her burning throat.

“Noah’s angry with me.”

Olivia abruptly stopped drinking, staring at him with a mixture of fear and rage, “What did you do to him.”

“Why is it always, ‘What did I do’? I didn't do anything.” He rolled his eyes, “I think he misses you.” He mocked, smirking. 

Her stomach rolled, she wanted to cry thinking about it, “Of course he does, I'm his mother! Let me see him.” She had long since thought she’d given up on seeing her son again because she knew the type of person Lewis was and it was rare that he would go back on his word. Instead of the typical, ‘I already told you no.’ She had been given multiple times before, she got something different:

“That's pretty selfish of you Olivia.”

“No-”

“You're only going to make it harder on Noah when he can't see you anymore. It's better to just rip the bandaid off don't you think?” 

It was cruel but correct. Not that she had any intention of resigning herself to fate. If the worst case scenario became reality then he was right and she wanted to spare her son as much pain as possible. 

“You still want to see him?”

“...No.”

Lewis nodded, running a hand through her hair, gripping slightly at the back, “You're a terrible mother, Olivia.” The soft tone didn't match his harsh words. 

She swallowed, tears welling up in her eyes, refusing to let them fall. 

“I wanna hear you say it.” His voice was barely above a whisper.

“Go to hell.” Olivia hissed out shaking her head.

She felt a rough hand on her thigh, pressing harshly against her wound. It had stopped bleeding sometime last night but now it seemed to split back open and any scabbing that had taken place was undone. It burned, it felt like fire and she wanted nothing more than to stop it!-

  
“You’re no fun.” He shoved her with a roll of his eyes, standing up and turning away from her, “I’ll be back when you decide not to be such a wet blanket.”

* * *

“Noah, you hungry?”

Entering the room he came face to face with Noah, standing on his tiptoes, pressed against the wall, a tiny hand still as a stone on the window look with an expression of terror and shock on his face.

“Well, well, well, what do we have here?” He took a step in before closing the door behind him, “What exactly are you doing Noah?” His voice was dripping with amusement.

“...Nothing.”

“Nothing? That doesn’t look like nothing, you were trying to leave.”

“No I wasn’t.” Noah was still standing in the same spot, frozen in fear.

Lewis walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge before patting next to him, “Noah come here.” His voice was level, void of emotion.

Noah came down from his tiptoes, but still stared cautiously at him, fearful.

He held his hands up in innocent, “If you think I’m going to hurt you I’m not. I promise.”  _ Not physically anyway. _

Noah took a couple of tentative towards him before climbing back up onto the bed, sitting about an arms length away from Lewis. Seconds later Lewis had wrapped his hand around Noah’s ankle and dragged him over, stifling a laugh at the boy’s surprised yelp, rolling his eyes as he struggled to try and scramble away.

“Let go!”

“Let go? Why would I want to let go? Are you sure you want me to do that?”

Noah’s struggling increased, kicking out with his free foot, “Let go!” He repeated.

“Okay, suit yourself.” Abruptly letting go had its intended effect, which sent Noah crashing backwards and off the bed, landing with a loud thud on the hardwood flooring, stunning him into momentary silence.

And then the floodgates opened and he could hear a loud whimper coming from the floor, “Ow...”

“Well you  **did** ask me to let you go, maybe you should be more careful next time.” He lightly scolded, leaning down and picking Noah up off the floor, ignoring the frustrated huff that seemed to silently come out of Noah’s mouth, setting him down in his lap, raising an eyebrow at the teary eyed child. 

“I wanna see mumma!” Noah blubblered, hands rubbing at his teary eyes.

“Mumma doesn’t want to see you.” He tried his best not to sound as satisfied as he was to be telling him that, taking in the increase in Noah’s tears, how his breathing seemed to hitch in panic.

“You’re lying!”

They both knew he wasn’t and he slowly shook his head, feigned a sad look, “She told me so herself,” he waited until the first loud sob escaped the boy before running a hand through his hair, “It’s okay, ssh,” He cooed, kissing the boy’s forehead, “Sweet little Noah,” His tone was almost loving, “I’ll take care of you.”

Finally Lewis felt the boy give in, burying his face into his shoulder with sobs wracking his body, and he couldn’t help but smile.

 

**10:01AM**

Carisi had overslept, that was the first thing he could comprehend when his eyes snapped open. It was too quiet in the breakroom, meaning that everyone else was gone. Tumbling off of the cot disoriented him, rubbing his eyes before he stood, cringing at the angry cracking of his bones.

Walking out into the squadroom however he was shocked to be greeted by a whirlwind of people, scrambling about with papers in their hands. Staring at the map he had put together was the rest of the squad and Chief Dodds.

“What’s going on? Who let me sleep-?” He started groggily, before being cut off.

“Detective Carisi you’re sure about your work?” Chief Dodds barely acknowledged his detective’s disheveled state.

“Um...Yeah, it wasn’t very hard. Noah tried to tell Fin and Barba that he was in a cabin, Lewis’s MO is consistent with wanting somewhere secluded so wooded areas would make sense, and we figured he that he had to be in the same vicinity as the three cities Bronwyn mentioned. That would put him here.” Carisi pointed out on the map where he was talking about, and then to list of towns he had put together.

Dodds was silent, Carisi thought for a second he was going to tell him that he was crazy and there was no way it would work out, but then the older man nodded, “That’s certainly the most plausible thing I’ve heard all day.” He turned to address the rest of them, “I can call the local precinct of Lincoln Park, they are just outside this area and I can have them set up a space for you there.”

The resounding emotion from the three of them was shock.

“I’ll be accompanying you.” Ah yes, there it was: the catch. “Because I want to make sure this is done by the book, I know you all would like to be the one to put the bullet in his head, but I will not justify an execution, you understand?”

There was a silence, but Dodds was undeterred, waiting for them to answer before finally they gave him a begrudged, “Yes Chief.”

“I’ll call Barba-” Carisi pulled out his phone to notify their ADA and was immediately stopped by Chief Dodds.

“No.” He sighed, “I know you want to let him know but you can’t. He’s not an officer, he’s an ADA, which means he has no business going forward with anything having to do with this investigation.”

“But Chief look, Lewis called me first but then he went back and called Barba, we should have Barba there, close by, just in case he calls again.” Rollins protested.

“I doubt he’ll call again, not if he figures out how close we are, I think that Mr. Barba has too much personal stake in this for him to be of any help, his place is here, not with you.” Dodds was firm on that, leaving the rest of them with a feeling of unease.

Barba was going to kill them when he found out they left without him.

* * *

He’d gotten caught in traffic on his way back from the office. Sure he had told them he was going to go back to his apartment to nap but his office was just so much closer; he just wanted to be close by in case they got a lead. Now however, walking into the precinct he was greeted with silence.

The bullpen was barren, the maps, the papers, the clutter- all of it was gone, and turning to the detective’s desks to ask what the meaning of it was he was greeted by silence.

“Excuse me-!” He tried not to sound panicked, “Where are Detectives Rollins and Carisi, and where is the sergeant?”

“Oh…” He could tell this was one of the rookies they were training because he gave him a sheepish look, “They um...They left with Chief Dodds about an hour ago, there was some sort of lead they were following.”

For the first time in 2 days, instead of everything being blue with sadness, Rafael saw red.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short one this time, sorry guys! Hopefully it'll be enough because next chapter is gonna be a long one! No spoiling though, you'll just have to wait! Hope you enjoy this one!

“He’s blowing up my phone.” Carisi left out of a puff of air anxiously, his phone had started to vibrate about 10 minutes ago and so far it hadn’t stopped, between a barrage of phone calls and texts, “What do I do?”

Amanda rolled her eyes, “I guess we technically should answer but I think answering and not telling him anything is like poking a bear, just let it ring, he has to stop eventually right?”

“I think you’re severely underestimating Rafael right now.”

“Oh am I? And you have some experience in the area?” She jabbed.

“Hey, I don’t like what you’re insinuating Amanda!” He rolled his eyes.

“Pleading the fifth then Carisi?” She was glad for a moment of lightheartedness, it made her forget about the unbearable weight on her chest.

“I shadowed him for a couple cases, if I showed up 2 minutes late I had 8 texts and 3 phone calls on my phone, he doesn’t like not being in the know.” Carisi glanced down at his phone with knitted brows, “I’m scared to look at the texts.”

“Can you even access your texts when he’s calling you between every 3?”

“Point taken.”

“How far are we from Lincoln Park?” She asked, feeling a bit antsy.

“Timewise? About an hour, distance wise is…” He looked like he was trying to figure it out in his head.

“Time is plenty Carisi, don’t hurt yourself.” Amanda joked.

After a few seconds of silence Carisi started up again“...He’s gonna end up in the hospital if we don’t tell him something.” 

“You willing to take the heat from the chief?” Amanda knew that she sure as hell wouldn’t.

“I won’t tell him where we are, but he deserves an explanation.”

Amanda wasn’t going to egg him on but she wasn’t going to outright tell him no either. She knew that it was cruel to keep him in the dark, especially since she knew how deeply he cared for Olivia and Noah.

Carisi took a deep breath, preparing himself for whatever state Barba would be in before holding the phone up to his ear and hitting the answer button.

Immediately he ripped the phone away from his ear to avoid busting an eardrum as the loud screams of their ADA came through the speaker, Amanda turned to glance at Carisi with a shocked look on her face before turning back to the road.

“Barba- Barba!” Still he seemed to be hurling insults at Carisi through the phone, “Rafael!” Finally the screaming ceased, and silence permeated the charged air before Rafael spoke.

“Where the hell have you all gone, I told you to call me if you got a lead!”

“Look, Barba, it wasn't our choice not to tell you, it’s an order from the Chief, I’m sorry. All I can tell you is that we’re following a lead.” Carisi held the phone slightly further from his ear in case he was about to experience another verbal beatdown.

“Why?” 

“You’re an ADA, not a cop. And in the Chief’s words, your place is in the courthouse, not with us.”

“Of course that _dick_ would say that.” He seethed, Carisi and Rollins both were a little taken back, they weren’t used to him using vulgar language, “Tell me where.”

“Barba I can’t do that, I could be thrown off the case, or hell, knowing Dodds, lose my job. I will let you know if we find anything here, sit tight, and, for the record Barba? We wanted to bring you.”

And the line cut off.

“He hang up on you?” Rollins asked, as if it weren’t obvious.

“He’s pissed and we’ll be lucky if he ever wants to see us again after this.” Carisi sighed, setting his phone down in the cupholder before looking out the window.

“Let’s not think about that right now, or pity ourselves. Hell, if we should be feeling pity for anyone it’s Fin.”

The look on his face when he had to drive up with Dodds? For a second they thought he might just quit on the spot. He didn’t complain though, but they knew that was because this was Liv they were searching for and Fin had known her by far the longest out of any of them.

“Let’s just get to Lincoln Park and we’ll figure out our next move there.”

“I just wish that Dodds didn’t have to come, he can’t ever  _ understand  _ this.” Amanda shook her head.

“Why? Because he wasn’t part of the original case? Amanda, neither was I, do you think I can’t understand this either?” He wasn’t one to come to the defense of their Chief but this was different.

“...Lewis can’t live this time. It’s him or Olivia and Noah, if we can’t kill him then he will kill them.” She sighed, “Even if we were to find them alive, and take him in alive he will never stop hunting them. He waited four years Carisi, four years, before coming after her again. Like the doctor said, he really should be dead.” 

“Well reading over the case file it seems like he has 9 lives and an impossible amount of luck.” Carisi mumbled, glancing down at his phone.

“Not luck,” Amanda shook her head, “He’s been doing this his whole life, he’s a professional liar and he thrives off of the chase.” She sighed, “This time though we at least know what his endgame looks like.”

 

**11:42AM**

“Olivia, you ready for another round?” Lewis flipped on the light, smiling down at his victim.

She held her silence, looking away from him.

“No?” He shrugged, “I could always bring out the cigarettes again, maybe this time I could heat up the knives?” He waited for a reaction, some small movement to indicate any sort of feeling about it. If she was afraid, or even if she heard him there was no visible response, he let out a groan in frustration, “You know I don’t want to kill you yet, but you’re becoming incredibly boring. I mean this was supposed to be  _ fun. _ ” He rolled his eyes as if she was supposed to know that.

“Then kill me already, we both know you’re going to do it eventually.”

“Well that’s rather pessimistic. You give up on your team?” He chuckled, “They really are falling apart without their fearless leader aren’t they?”

“They’re trying their best.” Olivia believed that wholeheartedly, if not for her, then they were trying for Noah, “But they aren’t going to make it on time to save me, but they will save Noah.”

“What makes you think that?”

She turned to look at him finally, her eyes glimmering with tears, “Because they know that I love Noah more than life itself and if it takes me dying to save him then I’ll gladly die for him.”

He stared at her for a second before chuckling, “You love that little brat of yours more than life itself?”

“More than life itself,” She confirmed, “I don’t expect you to ever understand the love a parent feels for their child.”

“Not every mother feels that love for their child,” He drawled, “Your mother didn’t feel that kind of love for you, did she Olivia?”

_ Ah,  _ Olivia realized,  _ So it’s confession time now isn’t it?  _ She had known since their conversation in the car that this was coming. Still though she felt her throat constrict slightly at the prospect of both mental and physical torture. She had two options, neither of which would spare her any pain: Either tell Lewis about her mother, answer his questions in painful detail, or stay silent and be subjected to physical pain, whether it be from burns or cuts or hell, she wouldn’t put it past him to start smashing bones.

“Olivia.” He warned, tapping on his wrist as if he were wearing a watch.

“I don’t know how my mother really felt about me,” She started, taking a deep breath. She’d barely said anything and it was already becoming too much for her to bear. So she decided to try and flip the script, “What about you?” Doing her best to mask the hatred in her eyes she turned to look him in the eyes, “Did your mother love you?”

The question took him by surprise, and she saw his eyes dart from side to side as if trying to come up with an answer. It was just a second, but the uncertainty written all over his face gave her a feeling of satisfaction, before he schooled his expression once more, “My mother? Maybe I’ll tell you all about my mother later, right now I want to get a little look into what Olivia Benson’s childhood looked like.” He stopped, as if thinking again before he blurted out, “Your mother was an alcoholic wasn’t she? Hell, I mean, she gave birth to a rape baby, can’t say that I blame her.”

“December 10, 2000.” Olivia said softly.

He seemed to somehow know immediately what it meant, “Must’ve been hard for you. How’d she feel about you working Special Victims.”

Olivia chuckled bitterly, “She hated it, she wanted me to get out of that unit the second I stepped foot in it.” She shook her head, “I told her I wouldn’t, I  _ couldn’t _ .”

“You wanted to do something good for the world, is that it? You thought that maybe it would fill some hole inside yourself, that you’d feel like you were doing something worthwhile despite being the product of something criminal?” He asked, but this time they were questions he didn’t think she could answer, “How do you think your mother would react, seeing you right now?”   
  


She shook her head, “She would just tell me that she told me so. That she told me I would get too involved, that I had too much passion for it and that-” She slapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a sob. It was so strange for her, but despair seemed to come upon her so quickly, to the point where she stomach rolled and she thought she just might faint.

“She’d be devastated. I can’t imagine it’d feel good for any mother who raised a daughter to see her violated, but you? I think you’re a different case. You were brought into this world by violent means and you’ll leave it violently, fittingly poetic in a way.” He knelt down beside her, “What’s wrong sweetheart, cat got your tongue?”

“Stop it…” She shook a shaky breath, “Just shut up!” She hissed.

“What? Oh, did I touch a nerve?” He taunted.

“Just shut up!” Olivia snapped, “So what if my mother hated me, I got through it, I moved on!” She took a deep ragged breath; she had just begun and she wasn’t about to stop now, she just wanted to see him  _ hurting _ , “What about you, huh Lewis? What did mommy do to you to make you hate women?”   


Suddenly he didn’t look so amused, so Olivia pushed a little more.

“What? You scared to tell me what mommy did? You scared I’ll laugh in your face because I’ve seen it all before!? Or are you scared that I’ll see you for the bitter little man you really are!”

Still he stood there, frozen, staring down at her with a mixture of shock and disgust. Olivia managed to flash him what she assumed was an insane looking smile, especially in her current state.

“Well? Nothing to say? That’s a shame.” Olivia found herself breaking out into a fit of hysterical laughter at the concept, “You know you said earlier that we have a relationship and in my experience relationships don’t work if only one side is spilling their guts!”

She saw his fists clench at his side, and for a second he seemed unsure of how to proceed. The way she taunted him made his blood boil and he wanted nothing more than to put a bullet between her eyes right then and there but then again, that was what she wanted. She  _ wanted  _ him to kill her while she still clung to a piece of Lieutenant Benson.

Killing her would be far too easy, he never chose easy.

“I was wondering if I was ever going to see the real Olivia Benson again,” He tried to sound amused, but he was short, and his knuckles turned white, “Now we can really have some fun together, hm?”

 

**12:53PM**

Lincoln Park’s precinct wasn’t very big, and to the SVU Detectives it felt more like a shoebox but it was at least something. As soon as they parked it seemed that Fin had scrambled out of the car, nearly forgetting to shut off the ignition. He’d liked Mike a great deal, he had been a friend and a good cop, his father on the other hand? Fin never liked Chief Dodds and he wasn’t sure he would ever bring himself to be able to.

When Carisi and Amanda had arrived the two were already inside and going over the maps, planning their next move.

“We’ve got to move quickly,” Amanda started.

“I’m aware of that Detective, but like you said earlier we have one chance to get this right because if it ends up botched then we lose them both.” He sighed, “I figured that the best plan of action right now would be to go to each town on Detective Carisi’s list and see if anyone recognizes Lewis’s photo.”

That seemed pretty reasonable to them of course, despite Amanda’s uneasiness at the thought; she just didn’t want to risk scaring him off.

“Carisi and Rollins you’ll go together, Fin will fly solo and I’ll stay here. If you get anything, you call me first, understood?”

It felt much like a parent scolding his child, a small part of Carisi couldn’t help but feel bad for what Mike’s childhood must have been like, hell, even in adulthood he could still picture the chief talking to his son as if he were 5 years old.

“Carisi and Rollins I want you to start with Lanesville and Phoenicia, and Sergeant Tutuola, start with Mt. Tremper and then to Chichester, if you don’t find anything report back here immediately.” He felt the need to keep reminding them to keep him in the loop, if they didn’t then he could only assume the worst.

“Alright,” He sounded seconds from pulling his own hair out, a sight which Amanda wouldn’t mind seeing, “I need you to  _ look at me  _ and  _ tell me  _ that you understand, if you think for a second I won’t send you back to Manhattan then you are sorely mistaken, and if you think that Olivia would want you to lose your badge trying to save her-”

Amanda cut him off with a shake of her head, “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you  _ use  _ Olivia to get a point across. Carisi let’s go.” She didn’t wait to hear anything that Dodds was going to say before storming out.

“...I’m sorry about that…” Carisi mumbled, waiting for a second before Dodds waved him off.

“Is she always like this?” 

“She’ll quit if we don’t find them alive.” Fin sighed, “She blames herself for not waking up when Olivia texted her, even though she wouldn’t want her to blame herself.” He shook his head, “I’ll make sure they don’t fly off the rails Chief.”

“Will you?”

 

**4:57PM**

“Noah, I’ve got to go get gas, come on!” Lewis called, slamming the basement shut behind him, partially because he was still angry and partially to muffle to sound of a pained moan coming from inside.

Nothing but silence.

“Noah!”

Again, the cabin was silent.

“Jesus Christ- Noah!” He snapped, stomping towards the boy’s room before flinging open the door to find him sit there, snuggled up under a blanket, staring at the wall, barely shooting him a glance, “I called for you not once, not twice, but  _ three  _ times.”

He stayed silently, practically ignoring him.

“Well? Explain yourself.”

He seemed to be thinking for a second, before looking at the man, “I don’t wanna go.” It was simplest answer, and in fact it was the simplicity of it that seemed to irritate Lewis further.

“Did you think I was giving you a choice? Up, now.”

Noah shook his head, snuggling himself even deeper in the bed.

“You wanna do this the hard way then? Fine, be like your damn mother.” Walking over he grabbed the boy by his arm and dragged him out of the bed only for the boy to go limp, a pout set on his face.

“Are you kidding me?” Lewis hissed, shocked at the blatant disobedience from the boy, “I don’t have time for this Noah, get up!” He yanked on the boy’s arm again.

“No!”

“No? You don’t get to tell me no!” He didn’t have time for this, really, and the more he stood there with the limp weight hanging off of him the more he had to resist the urge to give the boy a good backhand, “Noah,” He spoke through clenched teeth, “If you don’t get up and walk to the car with me I swear I’m going to slap you so hard your head spins. I’m not your mommy, I’m not going to sit here and bend to your wishes. Get up,  **now** .”

The bone rattling warning was enough for Noah to give him an angry glare before standing up, his upper lip quivering ever so slightly, before he yanked his arm from Lewis and stomped out of the room, “This isn’t fair!”

“Life’s not fair Noah!” He called after the boy, rolling his eyes and mumbling, “You’ll learn that soon enough.”

 

**5:18PM**

“Alright well, if you see this man then please, give us a call. Don’t try to do anything in the moment he’s armed and extremely dangerous, thank you.” Carisi handed his business card to the shop worker before walking outside behind Amanda.

“I don’t get it Carisi, he’s got that giant scar on his face and people aren’t sure if they’ve seen him or not?” She rolled her eyes.

“Hey, we’ve still got a couple places to show the picture at, if he’s been here I’m sure someone is going to recognize him, let’s keep going.” Carisi tried to comfort her in anyway he could but it was clear she wanted none of it, and he was scared if he continued to baby her then she was going to rip his head off.

* * *

“Gimme a couple minutes, can you sit here and be good for a couple minutes you little brat?” He snapped, turning to stare into the backseat.

“Fine.” 

“Fine.” Lewis mocked, getting out of the car. It only took a couple minutes at the most and, just to be sure he kept glancing in the car at the boy to make sure he sat still and didn’t make a scene, to Lewis’s surprise, and once he got back into the car there was a moment of long silence.

“Come up here Noah, I want you to ride in the front seat next to me.”

“I’m not allowed too, mommy says I’m not big enough.”

“Most kids would be excited about getting to ride in the front seat, not worried about breaking the law.” He rolled his eyes, “Now come up to the front seat.” He complied without hesitation this time, turning to Lewis and opening his mouth to say something, before stopping just short, his eyes going wide.

For a second the man was confused before noticing that Noah wasn’t looking at him, he was looking past him and turning to look out the window he immediately saw her:

Amanda Rollins.

  
There she was, standing at the entrance of the little gas station store, maybe 50 yards from them, walking into the store, and trailing behind her was a man that he didn’t recognize. Tall, skinny, honey blonde hair. He grabbed the boy, pulling him into his lap while he sat there, mouth agape.

“Who is that Noah?” Lewis pointed out softly, his grip tightening on the boy.

The whispered voice came, “Uncle Sonny!” He reached tiny hands out, pressing them against the window desperately, beginning to tear up.

“Sssh,” He quieted him, “You love them an awful lot don’t you?”

“Yes,” came the shaky voice.

“If you try to get out of this car, or call out to them, do you know what I’m going to do?” Lewis asked softly, petting the boy’s head.

“What?” Noah was almost too scared to ask.

Lewis pulled out the gun, holding it out in front of Noah for him to see before clicking the safety off, “If you try something stupid I’ll kill them, the both of them, you understand me?” It was such a heavy threat spoken in a feather-light tone.

Noah whimpered and nodded, as much as he wanted to scream and run out to them, because he was here! He was here, and he wanted to be with his real family!- And yet Noah believed every single word that Lewis had said, because he had proven to be mean and dangerous before, and Noah didn’t want anyone to get hurt.

They stared for a second longer before he let go of the child’s arm, “Get back in the backseat and buckle up.” The boy scrambled away from him and into the backseat while Lewis started the car and drove out of the station just as the two detectives exited the store, looking around.

  
They had just narrowly missed him and they didn’t even know it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? A chapter that's actually kind of long??? Impossible! I figured I might as well get a big update out of the way as I start my new job later on this week so I'll have a lot less time to write! Might have a few grammar or spelling errors so just a warning, my eyes kind of burn from staring at the screen for so long but I'll fix those if I see any big ones tomorrow. As always, thank you for reading, I sincerely appreciate your comments and support!

**6:04PM**

“Nothing, not one single person has seen him.” Amanda threw herself down in a chair, running a hand through her already messy hair.

“We got a couple maybes; two from a gas station owner and a hardware store owner in Phoenicia and one from a diner owner in Lanesville who said he thought he might have seen him with a kid.” Carisi dropped his legal pad with the statements onto the table.

“That’s better than I did, no one I talked to even thought he looked familiar.” Fin replied.

“I mean I don’t get it, how did we get a maybe? He’s got a giant  _ scar  _ on his  _ face _ ! If I didn’t know who he was and I saw him that would be the first thing I noticed!” Amanda just shook her head.

“It’s not a lot but it’s a valid start, we know which area to stick to.” Dodds tried to find the good in the situation but even this seemed to be hard.

The silence that settled over them was deafening.

“So what now?” Carisi piped up, “We’re out of leads.”

“We wait, I know that isn’t what any of you want to hear and I certainly don’t like saying it but he has to leave that cabin sometime and if he is in Phoenicia or Lanesville then someone is going to recognize him this time.”

“Are you kidding me? We wait? Waiting is going to get them both killed!” Amanda jumped up.

“What do you propose we do Detective Rollins? We have no other leads, we don’t have anything!” Dodds didn’t mean to snap but the situation was beginning to get to him as well. The more time they spent sitting there the more time he had to hurt Olivia and likely Noah as well. 

Amanda was silent.

 

**6:18PM**

“Oh Olivia! You’ll never guess who Noah and I just saw!” He approached her with the excitement of a little kid on Christmas morning, nudging the crumpled form on the ground with his foot, “Olivia? Wake up baby! Come on, I promise you’ll wanna hear this!” He knelt down beside her, rolling her over and lightly batting at her bruised face.

Finally she whimpered, letting out a soft groan, eyes fluttering, barely able to stay open. But she was awake and that was plenty for Lewis.

“We saw Ms. Amanda! And her partner, Noah called him Uncle Sonny, at the gas station.” He smirked when he saw her eyes snap open and breathing stop for a second, as if she was trying to process what he was saying.

“You’re lying.” She croaked.

He shook his head, “No, they were walking into the gas station just as Noah and I were leaving. Best part is they didn’t even see us. But they are getting closer and I applaud them for that, not close enough though since Noah and I were able to drive out of there no problem-o.” He chuckled, “It was nice to see her again, you and her really haven’t aged a bit since the last time I saw you two.” He ran a hand through her hair, “Unfortunately it means that our time together is start to draw nearer to the end, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with you.”

It took great effort, and the pain that radiated from the top of her head to the tips of her toes was excruciating but she turned her head away from him, not wanting to hear him anymore.

“I’m sorry about this,” She assumed he was gesturing towards her battered body, “I didn’t mean to hurt you as bad as I did but you know me, once I start I just have trouble stopping and you just...you were egging me, we know each other well enough to know what to expect.” He leaned down and kissed a bruise on her collarbone, “I’ll get you some painkillers, how does that sound sweetheart?”

Olivia let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in response, relaxing slightly when she felt him leave her side, listening to the sound of footsteps get further away, she closed her eyes, finding that having them open for more than 5 minutes made her nausea worse, and her vision just couldn’t seem to focus either, she just tried to push through it, convince herself was okay.

The first few times he’d raped he wasn’t gentle, she knew he wouldn’t be but at least at that time she could bear it, forcing herself to go to another place, but this last time he’d been vicious in a way that she hadn’t expected. He’d slapped and punched her, grabbing fistfuls of her hair and yanking harshly when she least expected it. For a second she thought he might accidentally beat her to death but even in his blind rage he seemed to know just when to stop. She remembered vividly, just before she faded out of consciousness hearing him snear angrily at her weeping that she had been lucky that he hadn’t had a metal bar to beat her with.

The blissful silence seemed to last only a few seconds before she held a hand snake around her waist, pulling her upright despite her whine in protest, “Here,” He pressed the mouth of a bottle to her lips. For a moment Olivia mistook it for water, taking a thirsty swig only to feel the ever present burn of vodka, causing her to sputter and start kicking, “Hey, stop that! This’ll help if you don’t choke on it every five seconds.” He grumbled.

  
“You said you’d get me painkillers.” She mumbled.

“I never said which  _ kind  _ of painkillers, vodka will work just as well.” He rolled his eyes, pressing a kiss to her forehead, “Now are you going to drink or are you going to be difficult, not that you like in the best shape to be difficult.”

Olivia sniffled, taking another tentative swig before shaking her head, one hand meekly batting the bottle away, “I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“I can’t!” She hiccuped, dissolving into tears, her shoulders shaking with each breath she seemed to take.

“Okay, okay. Calm down Olivia. You and Noah are so much alike, you know that? Stubborn and set in your ways.” He ran a hand through her messy hair, “Which reminds me about a question I never did ask you, not that I really honestly care to know.”

Olivia had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

“Who’s the father?”

Panic hit Olivia like a truck, she wasn’t sure how to answer because the truth was that biologically Noah wasn’t hers at all, but she feared that telling him that might cause him to hurt Noah. But if she lied and told him that it was one of her former partners there was still also a chance that he would hurt him. She chose the safest option, “I don’t know.”

“Oh come on are you serious? You really think you can trick me with a lie like that, it isn’t even a good one. Who is it?”

“I don’t know Lewis, I’m telling you the truth.”

“The Olivia Benson I know is a hell of a lot smarter than to get pregnant with some random guy’s kid.” He tugged a little bit at one of her strands of hair.

She was in a corner now, so she took a deep breath, “Promise me that you won’t hurt him.”

“The truth must be really awful for you to be asking me that.” He chuckled.

“Promise me.” She repeated.

“I won’t make promises I can’t keep.” 

“I don’t know.” She repeated for a third time, “I’m telling you the truth, I swear.”

There was a silence, his hand stilled in her hair. She prepared herself for whatever vicious torture awaited her for lying!-

“He’s not really yours, is he?”

She was caught, “I-I don’t know what you’re talking about…” Her breathing hitched in panic, “Of course he’s mine-”

He cut her off, “I’m right then!” He turned her around, forcing her to open her eyes and look at him, “Think about it, realistically his age means he was born around the same time that you and I met, you couldn’t have been pregnant then and even if you were after what I did you wouldn’t be anymore. And I mean how would it have looked during the trial, you being pregnant?” He tsked, “I don’t think that would have looked so good to the jury not after I tried to plead to raping and sodomizing you. You couldn’t hold down a relationship long enough to get pregnant.”

“He’s my son.” She whimpered.

“Not in the way you wish he was.” Lewis brought a hand up to stroke her cheek softly, “Poor Olivia, barren and alone. You can’t seem to catch a break can you?”

“Shut up,” She hissed through tears.

“Does he know?” He asked but then shook his head, “I’m an idiot, of course he doesn’t know.”

“Don’t-” Olivia started, beginning to shake slightly, “Please Lewis I am begging you, please don’t tell him.”

“Why not? Did you intend to lie to him his whole life?”

“He’s a child! He’s not old enough to understand that-”

“That what? He’s biologically not your child?” He chuckled, “Forgive me for being the sensible one here but eventually he’s going to need to know something like that. How’d you even get to adopt anyway? I would think with your...career choice it’d be a bit hard for an agency to approve you.”

“I found him as a baby, he’d been sold to a couple who had other unwanted kids, they used them to make...videos.” She shook her head, it still made her angry to think about, “No one claimed him and the judge asked me if I was interested in becoming his foster mother.”

“When was this?” He asked.

She was reluctant to tell him but figured it was best to just admit, admit and avoid as much physical pain as she possibly could, “I found him a couple weeks after your trial ended.” She sniffled, forcing tears back, “And I got him in May.”

“That’s certainly a story. Divine intervention gave you a second chance, just like that this beautiful little baby lands in your lap just when you think that life as you know it has come to a close-”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” She met his gaze, despite the fuzziness of her vision, “Whatever effect you think you had on me, you didn’t.”

“Oh I would say I had a pretty profound effect, just not the way I wanted.” He left her wide, “I'll be back down in a little bit.”

“Lewis?” Olivia forced herself to stay upright, giving him a desperate look, “Please…” 

He understood completely what she meant, she didn't have to spell it out, he gave her a wide smirk, “Noah probably wonders who his daddy is doesn't he? Maybe not so much now but as he grows up he’ll have questions. Questions you are going to have to have an answer to.” He shrugged, “I just happen to know the truth, but the truth is so...boring.”

She didn’t understand what he was getting at and usually she could tell.

“Noah has a mommy, that’s you, but Noah needs a daddy too.” He walked back over her to leaning down and whispering, “Noah has his daddy now.”

“No.” She shook her head, “No!”

“He’ll ask that question one day and I’ll tell him the truth, my truth and guess what Olivia? There won’t be anyone around to tell him different. Of course one day he’ll figure out that there’s no way I’m his real father but at that point I’ll have been raised him from childhood, it works out perfectly for me!” He grabbed the sides of her face and pulled her into a kiss before spinning on his heel, “I’ll be back down in a little while honey, we’ve got a long night ahead!”

“No- Lewis stop!” She tried desperately to stand, to follow after him, fearing that he would simply go and tell her son, devastate him even further, she couldn’t allow it. However the moment she tried to take a step forward her legs gave way underneath her.

He glanced behind to look at her for a moment before heading back up the stairs, “Stockholm Syndrome is a nice look on you Olivia. It’s a shame that I won’t get to enjoy the full benefits of it.” He joked, slamming the door behind him.

 

**6:43PM**

“I’m going insane to tell you the honest truth. I call for an update and no one answers their phones.” Barba vented to the woman sitting across from him.

“Seems pretty typical, considering who’s really in charge.” Rita took a sip from her wine glass, “You need something to calm you down Barba, you look seconds from dropping dead.”

“I feel like I could drop dead,” He mumbled, “I don’t know what to do, I can’t stop thinking about them...about-”

“Hey, all thinking about it is doing is making you more and more upset, Olivia wouldn’t want you to be upset.” She leaned across the table, putting a hand on his shoulder, “They are going to find them, everything is going to be alright.”

  
“No! Rita-!” He shook his head, “You don’t understand. He’s  _ raping  _ her, and God only knows what he’s done to Noah-!” He blurted out, earning them some confused and sympathetic looks from the others at Forlini’s.

“You can’t think like that Rafa!” She usually didn’t use his nickname, especially not in public, but this was a different circumstance, “Yes, we both know what’s going on realistically, but you can’t put the worst case scenario in your head, alright? Olivia is strong, stronger than anyone I know, she’ll get through this and so will Noah. She’s going to need a lot of support, you can’t fall to pieces now.”

Rafael was quiet, giving her a slight nod, “I know but there has to be something more that I can do. I just…” He sighed, “I don’t know what to do, what do I do?”

“Wow, the great and powerful Rafael Barba asking for  _ my  _ advice? I thought I’d never see the day,” She joked, glad to see even the ghost of a smile on his face, “Olivia has friends, she’s been on the force for more than 20 years, that gets you a lot. Have you tried contacting one of her old colleagues, maybe they can help. Don’t a couple of them work as DA’s Investigators now?”

“John Munch and Brian Cassidy.” Rafael mused out loud, “I guess I could try with Munch, he worked with Olivia the longest.”

“If he can’t help you then there’s always Brian Cassidy to fall back on.” She added.

“Fall back on Brian Cassidy? He’d rather let me hit the ground.”

“You may not like him and he may not like you but you both have one thing in common and that is your strong bond with Olivia.” She stood, “And if worse comes to worse you call Tucker.”

Rafael shook his head. He never did like Tucker, he always seemed like he was superior and sure, Olivia got him to cool it down but that was only after he’d tried to have her arrested multiple times over the past 15 years. Rafael, no matter how hard he tried, could never see their relationship working, and if he was being honest he was glad when she told him they’d broken up, the last thing he wanted was to have to ask him for help.

“You’ll do whatever is necessary to get them back.” Rita grabbed her purse, putting a hand on Rafael’s shoulder momentarily, “You will tell me when you find them?”

“Yes, and Rita? Thank you for doing this.” He added, flashing her a smile and watching her walk out the door. After fiddling with his half empty glass of scotch he finally downed it, grimacing at the burn before he stood and walked out.

* * *

 

Munch would be lying if he said he wasn’t having trouble sleeping. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t, that he didn’t want to get personally involved. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to drop all of his work at the DA’s Office and return to SVU to help, to do something.

In fact the lack of information from his former partner was probably the most disturbing aspect of it all. His work was...sloppy at best, and it was beginning to pile up, far too much for his liking.

And then in walked an excuse.

“Rafael Barba, a pleasure to see you again, though I wish it was under different circumstances.” He stopped to meet the man in the middle of the office, shaking his hand briefly before turning to pour him a cup of coffee.

  
“Thank you.” Rafael added, graciously accepting it, “I must look pretty worse for wear if you’re offering me coffee without asking.”

“Well I’m glad that you said it before I could.” He added, offering him a chair before sitting back down at his desk, “What can you tell me?”

“I was hoping that you could tell me something.” He sighed, “I’ve been unofficially banned from the case by Chief Dodds, they all left while I was out and are refusing to tell me where they are. I know that you and Sargent Tutuola are still close.”

“He hasn’t told me anything, answered a couple of my whole calls and all he could say was that they were following a lead but that it hadn’t led them anywhere yet.” He shook his head, “And for the record, I think it’s ridiculous that they’ve chosen to keep you in the dark.”

“I think they’re scared I’ll go after him myself.” He chuckled, “As if I would even stand a chance.”

“Frankly if I had the chance I’d go after him myself too but that’s not an option for either of us.” Munch shook his head, “So, that leads me to the question neither of us want to ask: What can I do to help you Barba?”

“I don’t know yet, I keep waiting for something to happen. I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe he’s stupid enough to make another phone call-” Munch cut him off.

“Another phone call? The last time I talked to Fin he’d said that Amanda recieved a call, was there more than one?”

“Yes, he called my phone when he was with Noah.” Rafael set down the coffee cup with shaky hands.

“How did Noah look?” Munch couldn’t help but worry about the boy’s safety, as he was sure Olivia was doing as well.

“He looked physically unharmed, but he was scared.” He shook his head, fighting back tears, “He tried to tell me that they were in cabin but he didn’t know where and then Lewis he…” Finally tears fell and he shook his head, “You don’t need to hear this.”

“Yes, I do. Please Barba go on.” He handed the man a box of tissues, doing his best to keep his emotions in check.

“I told him to leave Noah alone and he said that he couldn’t and that he was going to keep Noah.” He couldn’t bare to go into detail, to talk about the smugness in his voice, the look on his face…

Munch was quiet, thinking about the severity of the statement before shaking his head, “It’s not enough to end Olivia’s life but he has to steal away the only thing that has ever been important to her?”

Rafael quickly snatched up a tissue and wiped at his eyes, “We aren’t going to let that happen. I swear to you that we will hunt him to the ends of the earth if we have to-!” 

“That isn’t going to happen, it won’t get that far because we are going to make sure that Olivia and Noah come back to the city safe.” He sighed, leaning forward slightly, “Barba, be honest with me, what can I do to help? Off the record of course.”

“To be completely transparent I have no idea where to go from here, what we can do, but I just can’t stop thinking about what they must be going through, what he’s doing to them.” Rafael shook his head, “It isn’t fair. Olivia was happy, she had Noah, everything was going so good for her!”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned doing this job it’s that life isn’t fair, and often the people who get hurt the most are those least deserving of it.” Munch stood up and walked over to the window staring out at the city, “But I also have learned how strong Olivia is, she’s been through...so much, more than I’m sure she’s ever told you. If there’s one thing I know Olivia’s not it’s a quitter. Neither is Noah.”

Rafael couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at the thought of the boy he’d grown to care so much about.

“He’s incredibly smart for his age, I don’t think he’s going to let Lewis take him without a fight.” Munch started, “If Olivia can’t find a way out of his Noah might be able to, we just have to wait and hope.”

“Waiting and hoping...this sucks.” Rafael slumped slightly in his chair.

“I’ve got a feeling that we won’t be waiting much longer, this has gone on for long enough.” Munch pulled a bottle of scotch from underneath his deck, giving a half smile, “You look like you could use a little bit for that coffee.

He chuckled, holding out the cup in front of him, Munch always seemed to be able to pick up on those kinds of things.

 

**8:42PM**

Olivia found herself thinking of death more and more often now. Especially when it was dark and quiet. She had come to the conclusion that death was something she feared, it was almost funny to her because she hadn’t ever feared death before.

But her mind had wandered to three people she knew, three people whom she had seen dead: Ryan O’Halloran, Sonya Paxton, and Mike Dodds.

Ryan was cold by the time she’d found him; he’d died alone probably frightened and feeling betrayed at the hands of his tech whom, she could only assume saw killing as the only way to make things right. Mike had been alive the last time she saw him, or had he? Was it really even living if his brain, if the vibrant and strong man she’d come to know and care for, was gone? All that was left behind, all that she had tearfully apologized to was a husk. An empty husk. She’d held Sonya as life slipped away from her and even then she hadn’t feared death, so it came as a surprise to her that she did now.

“You’re only human Olivia.” She mumbled to herself in the darkness, “Humans are frightened of what they don’t know.” It was as if she had to justify her fear for her to accept it. Olivia Benson, the name, despite being her own, seemed so foreign now. Olivia Benson was a larger than life woman, a crusader for women’s right to be believed, their right to have justice. She was a woman who had stared evil in the face and hadn’t so much as blink. The patron saint of rape victims, of women and children who were abused, of men too embarrassed to come forward…

It was stupid but she almost felt ashamed of herself now, like she had in some way let down the hundreds of victims she’d helped over the years by becoming a victim herself. By thinking that if she got out alive then her life was still virtually over! It went against everything she’d preached to others. But she had to face the hard reality that  **that** Olivia Benson, that strong and confident woman who had worked her way up in the ranks, who fought everyday to make sure people got justice, was  _ dead _ . 

Perhaps that was the scariest part of it all.

Olivia jumped slightly, feeling a chill go through her at the sound of the door opening noisily, of the bright light that burned her eyes as he descended the stairs, already talking, “Sorry that took so long, it was late and I figured I should make sure junior go to bed.” He watched her face, frowning. He had hoped that ‘junior’ would have gotten him more of a reaction from her and yet she sat there as if she hadn’t heard anything at all, “Hello? Earth to Olivia, anyone home?” He waved a hand in front of her, raising an eyebrow when she didn’t react, “So you’re giving me the silent treatment now huh?” 

Again she gave him no physical reaction, other than a slow blink.

“Is this what they call catatonic?” He asked gesturing to all of her, “This is what happens to victims after so long?”

Still she stayed quiet and still, despite how close he was to her, and though he knew it was childish he was beginning to get upset, “Hey, I’m fucking talking to you! Don’t ignore me like I’m not here.” He grabbed her face, forcing her to head to turn to him, “You ignored me for 4 years you don’t get to now.” However her eyes seemed to be staring straight past him, and that pissed him off even worse. Before he even knew what he was doing he had shoved her backwards and onto the ground, “Fine then, you wanna play this game, we can play this game!” He stormed up the steps, slamming the door so loudly that for a second Olivia thought he might have accidentally took it off its hinges.

She knew it was dumb to resist, that it was only going to make him angrier but she was tired. Tired of being a plaything, tired of their push and pull. So she turned to her side, pulling her knees up and against her chest before closing her eyes. She was just tired.

Lewis had to admit that this was not one of his prouder moments, throwing a temper tantrum he was sure he’d never see from Noah, tossing the furniture and breaking a few items made of glass in his anger. He could have sworn he heard the bedroom door open but if it had by the time he had turned to look it had been shut again. He couldn’t exactly blame Noah for waking up at the noise but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. 

  
Storming over to the door he flung it open to find the boy in bed, snuggled up under the blankets as if he was sleeping, but something inside of him knew that he wasn’t, “Noah,” He walked into the room, watching him for some sort of reaction, sitting down on the edge of the bed, “I know you’re awake, if you want to ignore me that’s fine but I need you to listen to me right now if I see or hear you get up from this room again you are going suffer the consequence. Go to sleep.” He hissed, shoving off the bed and exiting, but not before slamming the door shut for good measure.

If she wanted to play hard ball then fine, he could certainly play hard ball back. As soon as he entered the kitchen he sparked up the flame on the stove, setting a pan in before pulling out a few keys he had found in the house and tossing them in. If this didn't force a reaction from her then he didn't know what would. 

When he returned she was curled up in a little ball silently, eyes closed, “Sit up.” He sneered

When she didn’t move he rolled his eyes and nudging her harshly with his foot, “I said sit up!” He snapped.

_ His composure is crumbling,  _ Olivia mused to herself, giving a slightly groan before answering softly, “Can’t.”

“ _ Can’t _ .” He mocked, making a face before repeating in the same tone, “ _ Can’t, can’t, can’t.  _ **_Can’t!_ ** ” It was then that he dropped the hot pan haphazardly on the cable before yanking her upwards but her sweater, nearly shaking her, “You can’t do anything can you, you dumb bitch!?”

She opened her eyes to look at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of anger or even fear.

He seemed shocked before giving a strained laugh, “You want me to kill you, don’t you? Too bad, not until I hear you scream, not until you beg for me to do it.” He practically dragged her over the chair before her to sit, turning and grabbing a roll of duct tape, “I can’t imagine that this’ll feel pleasant when it comes time to take it off.” He added, tying her arms down to the chair.

Olivia felt numb, frighteningly numb. She had expected to feel some fear at the sight of the hot pan, of whose contents she knew all too well, but she didn’t.  _ Just accept it, _ a voice whispered to her,  _ accept fate and be done with it _ . 

When he picked up one of the keys without so much as a grimace is when she felt something deep inside her, subconsciously forcing her to press her legs together.

“Oh no, no.” He forced her legs apart, leaning down with the key still in hand, “Where do you want it? Thigh or chest?”

“No.” She whispered fearfully, shaking her head.

“ _ No one tells me no Olivia Benson. _ ” He seethed.

She saw white when he pressed the burning key against her flesh, and at first she couldn’t even be sure where, the pain seemed to be coming from everywhere. For the first time since he took her and Noah she finally cried out from pain, forgetting about the boy she loved so dearly the floor above.

 

**4:47AM**

Noah couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t sleep with the sound of yelling, the sounds of his mother crying out in pain. He had wept at first, but one could only do so much crying and that had been a long, long time ago. Now he waited in silence, eyes wide open staring in the dark nothingness of the room. The clattering from outside his door was frightening but he reminded himself that he had to be strong for his mother. He had counted 4 times now that he heard the basement door open and close as Lewis came back upstairs for short periods of time, these were the times when his mother was quiet, the times he didn’t hear her screams or cries. Fear kept him cemented there in the bed, even after he heard the noises fade and finally the slam of the basement door. 

He had an idea.

Noah just wanted to go home, he wanted to go home and he knew that while they were with Lewis that couldn’t happen. So he waited, still young enough that yes, he could count but his ability to keep a precise track of time was yet to be developed. He waited until he felt safe, planting his feet tentatively on the cold floor, taking slow steps towards the door, practically on his tippy toes, first peaking out to confirm he was alone again before slowly entering the rest of the cabin.

He could tell by a quick glance at the window that the night had passed, he remembered his mother telling him one day when he couldn’t sleep that this time was called twilight or dawn and that it meant that the world was beginning to just wake up, and that waking up that early wasn’t for everyone. At the sound of a particularly loud scream from the basement Noah nearly jumped from fear, wanting to just run back to his room and hide under the covers.  _ You have to be strong, mommy needs you!  _ He told himself, looking around the place.

And there on the table, like divine intervention, sat the cellphone that Lewis had had with him the entire time. At first he thought it might be a trick, a reason for him to yell at Noah, so the boy looked around hesitantly and then hearing an angry remark from the basement confirmed to Noah that they were both down there. So he snatched the phone from the table, keeping his eyes trained on the door before turning it on, hoping that it was still charged enough.

The phone illuminated his face and he resisted the urge to jump up and done from sheer happiness. He knew phone numbers luckily, Olivia had insisted he learn then in case of an emergency. So he opened the number pad and dialed the first person he could think of.

 

**4:58AM**

Rafael didn’t know what time he’d passed out on the couch of his office, after 2 or 3 glasses of scotch courtesy of Munch he had made his way to his office, feeling good and numb for the first time since the kidnapping, and had laid down to get some rest.

He just knew that when he woke up to the sound of his cell phone ringing that the sky outside was slowly beginning to illuminate the city. His head hurt like hell, he knew getting tipsy wasn’t the smartest thing he could have done but there wasn’t any other way he knew how to cope. Rolling off the couch he swiped his phone off the table, hitting the answer button without even looking at the caller ID, “Barba speaking.” He suppressed a yawn.

“Uncle Rafa!” He heard a whispered voice coming through the receiver.

That was enough to sober him up, his eyes widening, “Noah? Noah is that you?” He thought this must be some sort of cruel dream he would wake up from at any minute.

“Uncle Rafa!” He kept his voice to a whisper, “I’m scared!” He whimpered.

“I-it’s okay Noah.” The man jumped up, immediately remembering his request to Munch the night prior, “What’s happening, how did you get the phone?” he asked, knowing that they likely had a limited amount of time.

“He’s in the basement, he left the phone here so I went and got it.” He paused for a second to listen, making sure the man wasn’t coming up the stairs, “He’s hurting momma, you have to find us!”

By the time he reached Munch’s office he was breathless and pale faced, “Alright Noah, give me just a second okay?” He muted the phone on his end.

Munch had jumped up, “Noah called?!” A part of him was impressed by Noah’s ability to think like an adult in a situation like this, if he wasn't so scared he'd be praising the boy.

“Yes, he said that Lewis is in the basement, he’s hurting Olivia but that he left the phone upstairs. Can we track the signal?” He asked before taking Noah off of mute, “I’m here  _ mijo _ , I’m here. Can you tell me anything about where you are?”

Noah was quiet for a second before he finally remembered the sign he had seen when Lewis drove him into town, “Phoenicia! That’s what the sign said.”

“Phoenicia,” Rafael repeated, “That’s great, you’re doing so great Noah.” His stomach flopped, he felt a wave of relief, but they weren’t quite there yet, “Can you tell me anything else about your surroundings?”

“The woods, lots of woods.” He sniffled, “There’s no other houses around us.”

“Okay, okay, that’s okay Noah.” He looked at Munch who was fiddling with his computer in a desperate attempt to track the call.

“Are you going to find us?”

“Yes, yes we are going to find you and bring you and mommy home safe. You are so brave and so smart Noah.” He tried to keep him calm.

“I saw Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny, are they coming to get us?”

Rafael was confused at first, because well, how had he seen them? “Where Noah? Where did you see Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny?”

“When he forced to go with him to the gas station! He said if I tried to get their help then he would kill them.” He whimpered, “I don’t want anyone to get hurt anymore.”

It all clicked for Rafael, they had been closer than he knew, which was a good sign for Noah, it meant they could get there quickly, “I’m sure they’ll be coming to get you soon, we’re just trying to figure out where you are so we can go okay?”

“Please hurry, I don’t know how long he’ll be down there and mommy she-” He was cut off and Rafael could hear through the phone a scream in agony, it was slightly muffled but there was no deny whose voice it was. Munch stopped momentarily, meeting Rafael’s gaze with a disturbed look on his face before quickly resuming his work.

“I’m scared…” He repeated.

Rafael found his voice caught in his throat, unsure of what to tell Noah, unsure of how to help bring the poor boy comfort in what he was sure was a traumatizing situation, “Your mommy is going to be so proud of you Noah.” He chuckled slightly, tears in his eyes, “You are so smart just like her, and you’re doing exactly what you need to do.”

“I miss her, he won’t let me she her anymore-” He went silent and suddenly Rafael could hear his breathing pick up, “He’s coming!-” And as quickly as the phone call started it cut off.

“Noah- Noah!” He shouted into the phone before his head snapped to Munch, “Please tell you got something!”

The older man nodded, “Not an exact address but there’s only one cabin in this area! Call them now! Let them know!”

* * *

 

Noah hated to hang up, hearing his Uncle Rafa's voice was so comforting and familiar, but the footsteps on the stairs were more trouble than he knew what to do with. Haphazardly setting the phone down on the edge of the table, It quickly became clear to him that there was no way he was making it back to his room on time, so he did the only thing he thought to do, and that was to duck into the closet, shutting the door quickly behind him.

Not even half a second later the door swung open and Lewis exited the basement, giving a sort of cathartic sigh. He glanced out the window, “Hm, wonder if the brat’s still awake.” He mumbled to himself, turning to look at the door to the child’s bedroom and finding it open. It was just a crack, but he recalled he had not left it that way.

However when he turned he was faced the next glaring discrepancy. The cellphone, perched on the edge kitchen table was not where he had left it. He snatched it off the table before turning it on and unlocking it to see the call log. Lewis never panicked, Lewis always had a plan for any possible scenario, except for this one. Quickly he shoved open the bedroom door to find the child’s bed empty and out of sheer rage launched the phone at the wall, “Damnit!” He made his way quickly back out to the main room, “Noah!” He gave an insane and breathless laugh, “Come out, come out wherever you are!” He sang out, before hissing under his breath, “You little shit.”

Of course it only took moments for him to start overturning furniture, slamming doors open on the frantic search for the boy, before he decided to abandon it for now, running down to the basement, “Olivia, Olivia we have to go come on.” He lifted the broken form from the basement floor, “Work with me here, alright?”

There was one thing he knew for certain and that was that he was not ready to give up Olivia, he wasn’t done having fun with her and as fucked up as it was he had become attached. Carrying her up the stairs he forgot about Noah for a moment, taking her into the bathroom and setting here down in the tub for a moment, “I’ll be right back.” He said before turning away, she was still out cold, thank God for that.

“Noah!” He called again before going silent when he saw the one unopened door in the whole cabin was the closet, he giggled slightly, approaching it slowly and cautiously before throwing open the door to revealed a terrified Noah.

“Hello there sweetheart,” His voice was dripping with false endearment, “You shouldn’t have to done that.” He yanked the boy from his hiding place by his arm.

And that was when Noah started screaming, slapping and flailing, “No! No! Let go of me!”

“Stop it! Noah, I said stop!” 

“Let me go!”

He didn’t have time for games, not now, not when Noah had ruined everything. He retrieved the gun from his back pocket, and quickly before the child could see it brought the butt of it down on his head, his mouth twitching in a small smile when the child went limp, “I told you what would happen Noah.” He lift the boy up, before setting him down on the table, pressing two fingers to the boys neck, feeling a calmed pulse, “There you are.” He turned away, grabbing the duct tape off the table before typing the boy’s feet and hands. He would have to gather some supplies before fleeing, this time it would be harder to get away.

* * *

 

“You’ve got to be kidding me!? One of them has to fucking answer!” Rafael was ready to launch his phone out of the window. None of them were answering his phone calls, nor had they picked up for Munch.

“Just keep trying, they can’t ignore us forever.” He had been frantically dialing Finn for the past 3 minutes, to no avail.

Finally it happened.

“Hmm..? Sonny Carisi speaking who is this?” Came a sleepy voice.

“Carisi!” Rafael called frantically through the phone, “Please tell me you are still in Phoenicia!”

“What? What? No, why?” He sounded awake now, “What is it?”

“Noah called my phone, I have a possible address in Phoenicia, you need to go check it out now!”

“Text it to me!” Carisi called distantly to what he could only assume were the others about a phone, a possible address, the background seemed to be alive with noise right before he hung up.

“It’ll only 15 minutes with sirens.” Amanda grabbed her jacket, not even daring to glance at Dodds before running off. Carisi had turned briefly for his quick approval but found the man seemingly frozen. Carisi couldn’t wait, giving Fin a look before running out after his partner.

“Chief, I have to go with them.”

The man turned to Fin, “Make sure they don’t botch this, I’ll be on standby.”

Fin was a little surprised, he’d gone this far and he didn’t really seem to be keen on seeing this through to the end, to make sure they didn’t execute the man they so hated. Fin thought that perhaps he’d had a change of heart. He hoped he had a change of heart.

* * *

 

He had been gathering things in the bathroom, mainly to keep an eye on Olivia, not that she looked like she was going anywhere by herself in her current state.  _ Can’t be too sure, if I can come back from near death then so can she.  _ He thought.

She was awake, her eyelids too heavy to open, her brain too foggy to understand what was going on, just that she heard clattering noises and strings of curses. “You son really is just like you Olivia, I mean waiting til I was gone to snatch my phone and call the ADA? That’s smart, and if I wasn’t so pissed that he’s playing for the wrong team I’d be taking him out for ice cream.” He laughed, but it seemed strained.

It took a moment to process in Olivia’s head what he was saying and when connected the dots her crushed chest swelled with pride, but she also realized that these things weren’t instantaneous, and if Lewis’s track record for escaping the cops meant anything it was that they weren’t out of the woods yet.

Everything seemed to happen so quickly then. Olivia had one shot, one tiny chance to overpower him, to guarantee that her and Noah would be saved. She could feel the levels of adrenaline surge through her, suddenly she forgot about her injuries. So she took her shot, when he turned his back her eyes snapped open and quickly she snatched a knife off of the counter and attacked.

She managed to get one good slice in at his back before he spun around, forcing her back into the tub and trying to yank the knife from her. She kicked and pushed and swung wildly, knowing if she could land just one good blow that would be it, that would be all it took! However it only took a split second for him to shove her arm away, to push against her for it to happen. She faintly registered pain, giving a gasp before looking down and seeing the knife, buried almost to the hilt in her stomach. With the adrenaline still coursing through her she didn’t quite understand what happened, and all of her medical knowledge meant nothing to her as she pulled the knife out, letting it drop beside her as red began to pour from her wound. 

She didn’t want to die, not really. Fearful eyes looked up and into his, searching for any sort of humanity, finding nothing but darkness.

He looked shocked at first, a mixture of emotion going across his face before he met her eyes, grabbing her face and pulling her into a kiss, lingering for a few moments before pulling back, his forehead against hers, “This is not at all how I intended this to end Olivia,” He shook his head, “You dumb bitch, I wasn’t ready to let you go!” He hissed, sounding upset, almost like a child whose favorite toy was being taken away, “But no, you just have to go and try to be your own hero. You’re only human, why couldn’t you just accept that?”

Olivia tried to speak, but all that came out was a slight gurgling noise.

“Ssh, don’t speak sweetheart.” He briefly kissed her again, “Noah and I have to go now. Don’t worry, when the dust dies down I’ll be sure to visit. You will wait for me, won’t you?”

Olivia’s vision began to fade in and out, she could register his hands taking one of hers, kissing the top of it before letting it fall back against the tub. She felt him leave her side, then she felt cold and finally there was silence. Blissful, sweet silence.

 

**5:18AM**

“Police, nobody move!” Amanda called into the cabin as they burst in, “You go one way I’ll go the other!” She called to Carisi before heading towards the basement. 

“Lieutenant? Noah?” Carisi called, making his way around the first level, most of the doors were open, except for the bathroom door. Instinctively, almost mechanically, he flung open the door, pointing his gun inside. Before he saw it the metallic scent of blood filled his nose, and then he froze, seeing the limp form in the tub. A lump formed at the back of his throat, panic hit him like a ton of bricks and he called out, “Rollins!” Before rushing over to the tub, “Lieutenant?! Liv?” He surveyed the puddle of blood she was laying in and knew it couldn’t be good, “Liv? Jesus Christ…” He dropped his gun before reaching a hand in, placing two fingers on her neck. At first there was nothing and she seemed to be getting cold but then he felt it, faintly, but he felt it.

“What!” Amanda stopped when she saw Olivia, crying out, “No! No! Liv!” She nearly shoved Carisi out of the way.

“She’s got a pulse! We have to get her out of the tub.” 

“The ambulance is on it’s way-”

“We can’t wait that long, we need to start applying pressure!” He didn’t wait for her go ahead, reaching in and lifting the limp form.

She emitted the softest of whimpers, trying to open her eyes but finding herself unable.

“Liv?? Liv can you hear us, it’s Amanda and Sonny, you’re going to be okay!” She tried not to pay attention to much to the damage but even then she knew it was extensive. When Carisi lifted her there were bones that shouldn’t be bent the way they were, large bruises, she wasn’t wearing pants-

“Help is on the way, don’t worry!” Carisi took off his jacket, immediately using it to apply pressure to the wound in her stomach which had started bleeding profusely again, “What about Noah?” He asked Amanda softly.

Tears filled the blonde woman’s eyes, “They’re gone, they’re not here and neither is the stolen car.” She took Olivia’s hand and squeezed lightly, “Stay with us Liv.”

It felt like an eternity for the two of them, waiting for the ambulance. Realistically it was only a couple minutes. Fin helped them inside, staring in shock at the state of one of his best friends. Carisi glanced back at the two of them, “I’m going to ride with her, you two follow! Someone call Dodds and let him know!” And with that the ambulance doors closed and the race was on, as they began to hook her up to various machines.

“Do you know how long ago she was stabbed?” The medic asked.

Carisi shook his head, “No, maybe 10 minutes before we got there. Is she going to make it?”

They met eyes and he felt like he had sand in his mouth, “How far from the hospital are we?!”

From the look on his face he could tell that they weren’t even close yet. “Ms. Benson? Can you hear me?” The medic addressed Olivia, “We’re going to be arriving at a hospital soon, hang in there.” He looked up at Carisi, “She’s in and out of consciousness, we just need to keep her stable-”

And then one of the machines started beeping. Rapidly at first, before Carisi heard what he had dreaded hearing: the long continuous beep of a flatline.

“We’re losing her!”

 

**5:46AM**

“Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste,” Lewis sang along to the radio as he drove, glancing at the sleeping child in the backseat, well, he supposed he wasn’t sleeping, more like knocked out but it did the trick, “I’ve been around for a long, long year, stole many a man’s soul to waste…”

He hadn’t quite figured out where they would go. He had hoped Canada but that wouldn’t be for sometime, not now that they had found Olivia’s body. Oh no, he would have to lay low for a good long while. New York wasn’t safe anymore, he knew that and if anyone caught him with Noah he knew it would mean he’d be getting the needle. Going out controlled like that just wasn’t his style, “Hey little man, how do you feel about New Hampshire?” When he received no answer he smirked, “I was thinking the same thing.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is short. Shorter than I would like it to be but I've had a lot on my plate with starting a new job and getting ready for college classes to start. Not to mention I've got an interview to get a second job and writers block has been kicking my butt! Now I know it's kinda lame to come up with excuses so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update and that it's so short. I'm HOPING the next one I come out with will be a long one and I'll hold myself to that start haha. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

“We’ve been doing CPR for about 5 minutes now, she’s been in and out. Multiple injuries, this one’s bad!” The paramedic shouted to the doctor as they unloaded her. Carisi found himself momentarily stunned, it had felt like time stood still when they were in that ambulance, when the medic handed him things and instructed him while he stared desperately at his lieutenant, wondering if she was gone or not.

He worked mechanically, following along as the doctors pulled her towards surgery when he felt a hand on his shoulder hold him back, stop him as a team of doctors rushed off with Olivia. He reached his hand out and vividly recalled a memory from his childhood.

 

_ “Be good for your sisters okay?” His mother smiled, kissing his forehead, “I’ll see you in a little bit Caro.” _

_ He hadn’t wanted to leave his mother’s side, but when his father lifted him off the bed he watched as his mother suddenly seemed to be drifting off into sleep. He was frightened, his parents had explained that it wasn’t anything to be scared of and that it would be very short and quick, like getting a shot, but he was still frightened. _

_ He was frightened that mommy wouldn’t wake up. He remembered from church that heaven was a place where people went when they died, his mother and father had explained to him that it was a happy place, right after his grandfather had passed away and although he knew it was selfish he’d much rather have his family stay right there with him for forever! _

_ “She’ll be okay.” His father reassured him, pressing a kiss to his forehead as he watched his mother sleep. He was okay for those few minutes, until the doctor and two nurses came in to take her, and Carisi tried to follow. If he could watch his mother he could make sure that she was okay, that she wouldn’t leave-! _

_ “Sonny- Teresa, go get your brother.” His father called to him but he wasn’t listening. In fact he followed up until they took her through the big white doors and his sister grabbed his arm, pulling him back. _

_ “Mama has to go with them, we have to stay.” She tried to explain, looking to Bella and Gina for help as they rushed off to pull him back towards their father. _

_ But Carisi was having none of it, pulling forward, his arms outstretched towards the door, “Mommy, mommy!” He cried. _

 

The memory came to a sudden close as the medic he’d been with spun him around, his lips were moving and Carisi registered that he was speaking but he couldn’t hear him, all he could hear was his heartbeat, the rush of blood in his ears.    


“Detective Carisi? Detective Carisi can you hear me?” He asked, moving the detective to a chair to have him sit down, “Detective Carisi, it’s okay, Ms. Benson is in surgery now, all you can do is wait, you did everything you possibly could have.”

He seemed to snap out of the stupor, whipping his head around, “My team, where’s my team!?”

“They were following behind, they’ll be here shortly.” And with that he left the detective to sit there, blood still on his hands and his shirt to wait.

Luckily for Carisi it wasn’t more than a few seconds later that a hand slammed into his shoulder and he turned to see Amanda and Fin, both looking quite pale, “What happened?!” Amanda nearly shouted, out of breath before lowering her voice, sounding panicked, “What happened.”

“She...She…” He stumbled over the first word of his sentence a couple times, it reminded him of his stuttering as a child, “She stopped breathing on the way over. We did CPR and they took her in but…” He wiped his bloody hands on his pants, tears filling his eyes, “It was bad. It was so-” He drew in a quick breath to try and mask the sob that push its way out, letting Amanda pull him into a tight hug. He wasn’t sure if it was for his comfort or to mask his sob but he didn’t care, he leaned into it and let himself breath. It felt like the first breath he’d taken since her disappearance.

Fin sat beside the two, “I called Dodds, he’s on his way over.” He looked down at the ground and shook his head, “Damnit this isn’t fair. We aren’t allowed to shoot the bastard and he manages to somehow get away with Noah. It ain’t right.”

“We just...We just have to wait now.” Carisi breathed out, “Wait and pray.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, “I have to make a phone call.”

“To who?” Amanda asked.

“My mother to light a candle,” He shakily chuckled, trying to soothe himself, “And then to Barba. He’s going to want to come down here.”

“Alright.” Amanda let go of him, watching as he got up and pulled his phone out with shaking hands to make his phone calls, turning to look at Fin, “He beat us.”

“It ain’t over til it’s over.” He shook his head, “If Liv survives she’ll hunt him to the ends of the earth for Noah if she doesn’t…” He tried not to think about her on the slab, “If she doesn’t then we have to.”

* * *

 

“Carisi? Did you find them!?” Barba answered halfway through the first ring excitedly, feeling relief wash over him not yet realizing it was too soon for that.

“I...We found Liv, bleeding out in the bathtub,” Carisi sniffled, “We got her to the hospital and she’s in surgery.”

“...But she’s going to make it okay, right?”

“We don’t know yet and…” He gave a shaky sigh, a lump forming in his throat, “When we got there Lewis was already gone, so was Noah.”

“Gone? What- What do you mean gone?” His breath caught in his throat, suddenly fearing the worst. 

“No, not that gone. We...We don’t know what happened to them but when we entered the house the car was already gone. We’re going to find them though, I promised Olivia, I promised her we’d bring him home.”

“Where are you? What hospital?” Barba wiped at his eyes quickly, trying desperately to keep his composure. He grabbed his bag from his desk, figuring he would just rent a car and drive down there.

“Kingston Hospital. We still don’t know anything about her condition so maybe you should stay-”

“You’re insane if you think I’m going to stay put. When she gets out of surgery she’s going to need us.” He hung up and headed out, worry swirling in his empty stomach at the thought of Olivia fighting for her life and at the thought of Lewis having Noah with no one to stop him from hurting the boy.

 

**7:43AM**

Noah stirred suddenly in the backseat, giving a big gasp and shooting straight up. His vision was fuzzy at first and his head hurt. He could faintly make out trees, seeming to whiz by him, feel the bumps and movement of the car around him, and finally he could make out the figure in the front seat until he became clearer and clearer.

“Good of you to finally join me Noah, I was beginning to wonder when you’d wake up!”

The boy stared at him, in shock for a moment before going to rub his eyes, becoming distinctly aware of the duct tape keeping his hands together, pulling at them.

“You want me to take that off buddy? You just have to ask nicely.” Never once did he turn back to look at him.

Noah didn’t say anything for a moment, looking to the passenger seat and expecting to see his mother, panic building inside of him when he found the seat empty, “Mommy!”

“We can talk about that in a little bit, okay? You hungry?”

“I want mommy!” He cried.

With a roll of the eyes he replied, “Mommy’s gone.”

“Mommy! Mommy!” He was practically shrieking at this point, the tears coming quickly.

Lewis couldn’t take much more. He thought that perhaps the boy would tire himself out but after a few minutes it became clear to him that he would have to give the child some...incentive, to keep him quiet. When he pulled off to the side of the road he took a deep breath to try and keep his rage in check, however a particularly loud scream from the backseat shattered it and he whipped around to glare at the boy., “Noah! Stop crying now or I’ll give you something to really cry about!”

The screaming seemed to quite the boy slightly, “I want mommy.” He whimpered

He shook his head, “You really don’t get it do you?” Lewis was ready to blurt out the truth to Noah but the idea of driving for the next few hours with a screaming child in the back didn’t seem ideal, so he changed the subject, “Do you need anything before I start driving again?”

Noah wanted to say that he wanted mommy but he also feared getting smacked so he held out his duct taped wrists, “Take it off!”

“What’s the magic word?” 

“...Please.”

“That’s better.” He pulled out a small pocket knife before cutting the duct tape, slowly peeling it off so he wouldn’t tear the boy’s skin, “Are you hungry?”

Noah hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, now that Lewis mentioned it his stomach was beginning to hurt and he was having trouble remembering when the last time he ate was, so he slowly nodded, “Yeah.”

“Alright. Next place we come across we can stop for breakfast. What’s your name again?” He tested, starting to car back up and driving

“Noah…” He mumbled, however when he saw Lewis glance at him from the mirror he corrected himself, “Noah Williams.”

“See, you’re getting the hang of it! I knew you were smart. Now, from now on my name isn’t Mr. Lewis okay?” He hoped that the boy would pick on his instructions quickly, “You’re going to call me ‘dad’ from now on.”

Noah was frightened by how quickly the man seemed to change from happy to angry. He had never met someone who was so different from his mother. However the more he thought about what the man required of him now he felt the need to clarify something, piping up with, “You’re not my dad.”

Another roll of the eyes, Lewis’s patience with the child was beginning to wear unbelievably thin, especially when he’d only just woken up, “Have you ever played make believe?” He asked, “Well pretend we’re playing make believe, can you do that?” Again he nodded.

Lewis spotted a sign for a rest stop up ahead and thankfully one with plaza, “You promise to be good if I let you come in with me?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright,” He parked, quickly putting on a pair of sunglasses he’d found in the glove compartment before getting out, waiting for Noah before walking in. He just needed to be in and out as quick as possible, “What do you want?”

Immediately Noah’s eyes were on the Starbucks, “Hot cocoa!” He looked up at the man.

“Hot cocoa is a drink. What do you want to eat?” He clarified.

To this the boy shrugged and Lewis gave a frustrated, “Alright, we’ll get your drink first and then get you food.” He walked over to the starbucks and pulled out his money, ordering Noah the hot cocoa and opting for a black coffee, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten more than a couple hours of sleep and passing out behind the wheel was a rather anticlimactic way to kill himself.

“Now, what do you want to eat?” He looked down at the boy who seemed to be staring intensely around the place.

“I dunno.” He finally stated.

He bit his tongue to hold back a snap at the child, “Jesus, fine, I’ll pick but you’re going to have to eat whatever I get you, deal?”

He nonchalantly nodded, looking around the place. There wasn’t a huge amount of people but it was decent and Noah thought that if he could perhaps get lost in the crowd…When his thoughts broke he saw that Lewis had taken his hand and was pulling him forward, towards one of the food stands, not that he really noticed nor cared. He waited patiently, pulling his hand stiffly down to his side once he’d let go to pull out money.

Noah struggled internally for a few moments, wanting desperately to run, running meant he could be with mama again, but it also meant that Lewis would be mad at him and he was scared of Lewis when he was mad. Seeing his window closing as he pulled out money to pay Noah decided that it was now or never.

He took off.

But not without Lewis hot on his heels. For a second Noah thought he was free, if he could get out of the doors and find somewhere to hide!-

_ BAM! _

Noah felt himself momentarily dazed. One second he was running and the next he was staring at the ceiling, blinding hazily.

“Oh my God! Sweetie I’m so sorry!” He heard a voice say, a kind voice, feeling soft hands pull him upright. They reminded him of his mom’s hands, soft and comforting. This woman was not his mom though, but she had very kinds eyes with a look of concern across her face, “Are you okay honey?” She asked, concerned for the child whom had accidentally slammed into her.

He opened his mouth to scream, to blurt out who he was and what was going on but before he could do that Lewis was practically on top of him, out of breath and looking quite bewildered.

“Noah what did I say in the car!?” Lewis snapped angrily, ready to throttle the boy. Immediately he became acutely aware of the stares he was receiving due to the sudden commotion and lowered his voice, “I’m sorry buddy,” He pulled the boy into a too-tight hug, “You just scared daddy, I don’t want you to get hurt.” He ran a hand through his hair, giving a strained laugh which, to the outside world, seemed nervous but it was his way of stopping himself from knocking the boy unconscious once more.

“He’s okay, just lucky I was here.” The woman laughed, giving them both a smile.

“ _ I’m _ the lucky one really. Thank you so much ma’am.” Lewis got a good look at her, she was pretty, if he’d been alone and not running from the law she would have been his next victim. Part of him lamented over it, while the other half reminded him that he had the best prize he was getting at that moment, and that was Noah.

“It’s fine really! I see it all the time.” She knelt down in front of Noah smiling, “Sweetie, you can’t run from your daddy okay? You could have gotten hurt.”  Noah still seemed dazed, his mouth slightly ajar as if he was trying to say something when the woman walked away. Lewis pressed a rough kiss to Noah’s forehead, his heart aching at the thought of having to let such a lovely lady go.  _ She looks like she’d be a lot of fun too...I guess that’s the price of parenthood.  _ He thought to himself. Noah however looked forlorn, daring to take a step forward to try to follow, however the grip on his arm was tight enough to keep him there.

“Don’t you ever,  _ ever  _ take off like that again, you understand?” He hissed quietly enough that just Noah heard, giving him a smile, “Let’s go get the food, looks like I’m going to have to hold your hand until you learn.” He took Noah’s hand lightly at first, before giving a harsh squeeze when he dug his heels into the ground.

Noah knew he screwed up, and in fact the entire time Lewis dragged him around he tried to force himself to stay a few paces behind. Dragging him further and further from the food court Noah felt anxiety set in and tears well up in his eyes.

  
“What, you’re going to cry now? I don’t think so.” Lewis squatted down, wiping at his face in frustration, “You better not fucking cry, not after that shit you just pulled in there. Come on!” He hissed, “We have to get a couple things and you’ll be lucky if I even give you the drink once we get back to the car, I mean what were you thinking!? Huh? What good did you honestly think was going to do?” He shook his head, "You're about as impulsive as your mother, you know that?" Pulling him into one of the stores he grabbed a few things off the shelves, finally stopping to look at a shelf that was too high up for Noah to see clearly, pulling a box off the shelf and holding it up to Noah’s head, “This’ll work.” And with that he pulled Noah to the counter and paid. 

The car ride was tense, and for a few long moments Noah sat in the back, quiet as a mouse. However the smell of food was starting to get to him and Lewis had yet to hand him anything. However he was watching the boy closely in the mirror, waiting.

“I’m hungry…” Noah mumbled.

“Oh really?” He drawled.

He nodded, sitting in silence for a moment before whining, “Can I have my food please?”

“Who says I bought  _ you _ food? You tried to run away Noah, you think you deserve food?” He asked.

“Please, I’m hungry! Can I have my cocoa?” He asked, giving him the puppy dog eyes he'd always give his mother when he really wanted something.

Lewis shrugged, “I’ll think about it.”

His shoulders sagged, “No!” He whimpered, biting his lip slightly. He could figure out what Lewis wanted to hear, he just didn’t want to have to give in, to say it. Mind over matter was never his strong suit, “Please can I have my food dad?”

Lewis made no move to hide his victorious smirk, “Of course you can buddy. See, now was that so hard?” Reluctantly Noah accepted the bag held out to him and his hot cocoa, getting halfway through his meal before finally asking, “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise, you’ll see.”

 

**8:12AM**

“I need suction.”

“Right here.”

“How’s her heart rate doing now?”

“Stable for now.”

“Good, that’s good. We can’t afford to lose her again.”

* * *

 

_ “Olivia? Olivia! Ah, so nice to see you again!” _

_ Her eyelids felt heavy but the voice sounded so close… _

_ “Give her a minute.” Another voice came, “She’s injured.” _

_ “You don’t need to coddle her you know. She’s a big girl.” The third voice is what jarred Olivia, it sounded the most familiar. Her eyes snapped open and she was greeted by a beautiful sky, awash in like pastel colors. _

_ “Mama!” Suddenly she could feel her toes and her fingers and then her arms and legs and the rest of her as she sat straight up, looking around frantically, “Mama!” _

_ “Yes, yes! It’s quite alright Olivia, don’t get so excited!” _

_ When she whipped her head to the left Olivia took in the image of her mother. She hadn’t seen her in almost 20 years and yet she looked the same. The same hair and the same melancholy smile on her face. _

_ “Hello there little girl. It’s been a long time.” _ _  
_

_ “Mom! I-I missed you.” Was the first thing she could think to blurt out. _

_ “I missed you too sweetie.” She pulled her daughter into a warm hug and suddenly Olivia realized how much she missed that. Despite all of the bad times, all of their fights and arguments one of the thing she missed the most were her mother’s hugs. _

_ “Is the sappy moment over?” The first voice sound more irritated than anything, “Can I talk now?” The second voice just chuckled. _

_ She broke the hug, turning and meeting two very familiar faces: Sonya Paxton and Mike Dodds. _

_ “Hello there Olivia.” Sonya flashed her that same cocky smile she had remembered so well, “Long time no see.” _

_ “Hey Lieutenant.” Mike had that same peaceful look on his face and as much as she had expected to see malice there was not even a hint. _

_ “...Is this heaven?” _

_ “I don’t know Olivia, are you dead?” Sonya asked. _

_ “I…” She had to think about it for a moment, recalling fuzzily the fight for the knife but not really anything after, “I don’t know.” And like a ton of bricks, it hit here, “Oh God…” A lump formed in her throat, “I’m dead! I’m dead and Noah, he-!” _

_ Dodds put a hand on her shoulder as if to steady her, “Hey, hey. Calm down okay?” He looked her in the eyes, Olivia felt her chest tighten, “You’re not dead. Sonya’s just being mean.” _

_ “Then how is this happening?” _

_ “Call it divine intervention.” Serena rolled her eyes at Sonya’s comment, “There’s a lot more you need to do before you die.” _

_ “Noah...is he okay?” _

_ “Do we look like mind readers to you?” Sonya quipped. _

_ “We only know you right now dear. Only you. You have to go back, go back to your friends and your family and your son.” Serena caressed her daughter’s cheek, “I was not always a good mother to you and if you’re upset with me then I don’t blame you. You are ten times the mother I ever was.” Slowly she pulled her daughter into a warm embrace, to which Olivia accepted. _

_ “Mom I’m sorry…” Olivia’s cheeks burned red with shame and tears clouded her vision, “I’m sorry he-” _

_ Serena held up a finger to her daughter’s mouth cutting her off with a shake of the head, “No Olivia, it isn’t your fault. It’s never the victim’s fault, you did not deserve any of this.” _

_ “I should have known that he would-” _

_ This time Sonya cut her off, “Should have known what? That after 4 years that sick bastard was going to come after you?” She shook her head, “Come on Olivia, you and I both know that’s what he wanted you to do you. He wanted your life to fall apart after him and guess what, you didn’t let that happen.” She walked over to the Lieutenant, putting a hand on her shoulder, “You beat him once, at the beach house, twice, the courtroom, and now? Now you’ll beat him a third time. I know you Olivia, you never ever give up.” _

_ “Why?” Olivia felt tears drip down her face, “Why can’t I give up!? Everyone expects me to be strong, but I’m no stone structure!” _

_ “You’re a mother, you can’t give up. Noah needs his mother, when Rollins and Fin and Carisi get him back he’s going to need his mother just as much as you need him.” Dodds reassured her, “We know that you’re human, that you get tired, that you want to give up but the Olivia Benson we know wouldn’t.” _

_ “The Olivia Benson you know is dead!” She snapped, pulling herself from her mother’s arms and taking a few steps backwards, “She’s dead and Lewis killed her!” _

_ “You say that but we know she’s still here. She’s fought for countless victims in the past and now she’s going to fight for herself, and for Noah.” Serena had an oddly peaceful smile on her face. _

_ “I just want to rest…” She whimpered, wiping away her tears, “Please just let me rest!” _

* * *

 

“Her heart rate is dropping!” A nurse called out.

“It’s alright, it’s alright. We’re almost finished patching up these lacerations!”

“What do we do if she crashes again?” Another asked.

“We resuscitate her again, we keep trying until we’ve exhausted our options.” The doctor continued his meticulous work, “She’s survived thus far, she can survive this.” Or at least he hoped. With almost the entirety of the NYPD waiting he knew there could be no mistakes.

Then, as if hope was snatched from their fingers, the team heard it again: Flatline.

“Damnit-!” The doctor hissed, “Start the defibrillator!” 

And the entire room was set into frantic motion once more.

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am literally SO SORRY that it took me over a month to update. Getting into the swing of things with classes and work was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I also needed to take some time away from this fic to get it back into perspective, to be able to write more clearly. I hope you enjoy and I also hope it won't be much longer before I update again!

“Sargeant Tutuola!” 

Fin turned around to see Dodds rushing towards him, looking rather flustered.   


“What the hell is going on? No one called me-!”

“That was my fault Captain, I forgot.” Fin sighed, “Olivia’s in surgery.”

“And Noah? Lewis?”   


“Gone.” Rollins cut in, “Right before we got there.” She shook her head, resisting the urge to kick something as the thought once more bathed her in guilt.

“You’re kidding.” The older man shook his head, “Do they think she’s going to make it?”

“It’s touch and go, we aren’t sure and no one will tell us anything.” Carisi started, “She flatlined en route.”

“Alright, alright.” For once their chief seemed to be unsure how to proceed, “I know you don’t want to hear this and I understand that you want to be here when they have information for us but we have to focus on catching Lewis. Noah is still out there and if he took the boy with him it means he’s still alive.”

“I’m not leaving!  So if you’re seriously about to ask me to leave and go back to sit in that squadroom like a sitting duck you can take my gun and my badge right now.” Amanda lashed out.

“Calm down detective, I’m not asking that you leave. I’m asking that you still work the case from here. The media is going to be asking for a statement and I intend to tell them that for now it’s touch and go and we aren’t sure of her condition.” Before any one of them could speak up he added, “I don’t have malicious intent behind this, no matter how you may feel, but if he finds out she’s still alive he could do something awful and we want the least amount of casualties possible. No one is to speak to the media without my go ahead first, understood?” He didn’t wait for a response, “Hopefully when Olivia is out of surgery she can tell us something. He thought she was dead, he might have told her where he was headed with Noah before leaving.”

“We got it Chief.” Fin’s attention was on Amanda, trying to keep her calm.

“Where’s Barba?” Her voice was shaky, “Is he on his way?”

“Yeah, he’s on his way, why do you need something?” Carisi asked.

“He just needs to get here.”

“Okay...I-I’m sure he’s doing all he can to get here. Do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? Something to eat?” 

The look she shot him caused him to step a couple feet back, not wanting for her to turn on him, and sat down, taking deep breaths to calm himself. He thought that perhaps waiting for an update would be the worst part but the thought of Noah out there with the man who had nearly killed his mother made him sick to think about.

“We can’t just sit here…” He mumbled, not to Fin or Amanda or anyone in particular really, “We have to find Noah, he’s probably scared and confused…” And he worried about what Lewis was capable of. His victimology had been female victims but it was clear he really didn’t care about age; but he’d made it clear that no one would stand in his way and he would kill who had to when he had to, no matter who, “Manda?” He didn’t realize how strained his voice was.

“I know.” She responded, “I know…”

“Dodds is talking to the press right now, there’s an amber alert out and the damn state of New York is in a lockdown, that bastard’s not going to win again.” Fin added.

“No, but he’s going to damn well try.” Amanda grumbled, ignoring the nauseous feeling in her stomach.

 

**10:22AM**

They played the waiting game, as agonizing as it was. Either they were going to receive word of Olivia’s condition or Barba would show up first and it was anyone’s guess as to which.

When Rafael burst in like a flurry he looked disheveled, more than any of them had ever seen him look and he took one look at them and began to assault them with questions, “What’s happened? How is Olivia, is she okay? Any word on where Lewis and Noah are?”

“Barba!” Fin cut him off, “We are just as in the dark as you are right. They haven’t given us an update on her condition.”

“Okay…” He sat down slowly, running a hand through his hair, “What about Lewis and Noah? We need to find them. I promised Noah…” His voice crackled, “I promised him that everything would be okay.” A lump formed in his throat and he buried his head into his hands, “I told him that we’d bring them home.”

“Hey, hey,” Carisi stepped forward, putting a hand on the man’s back, “You’re not a liar, we’re gonna bring him home. There are only so many rat holes in New York for him to hide in. A man with a reluctant kid is going to raise questions anywhere he runs.” He sighed, unsure of his own words himself, but it felt like the right thing to say.

“He’s not going to get away with Noah.”

* * *

 

The car ride had been awful silent since they’d left the rest stop. It was almost too quiet for Lewis’ comfort even with the radio on. He glanced into the mirror to see the boy, droopy headed in the back, eye seeming to stare into space out the window, “Hey.” He noticed the boy turn his head slowly to him, “It’ll be awhile before we stop again, why don’t you take a nap or something?”

He was quiet though, as if the words weren’t quite processing.

“You alright?” Lewis asked curiously, noting the child’s glazed eyes. He wondered briefly if the boy was beginning to go into shock about everything that had occurred.

“Uh-uh.” Noah shook his head, “I don’t feel so good...”

“Wonderful,” Lewis rolled his eyes, “If you need to throw up tell me first, this is the only car we have and I’m not exactly in the mood to play cleaning crew.”

Once again the car was consumed by silence and against his better judgement Lewis pulled over and got out, opening the side door and resisting the urge to roll his eyes when Noah flinch, “Calm down.” He leaned forward, pressing the back of his hand to the child’s forehead, pulling it away angrily, “Shit...You’ve got a fever, you were fine a few hours ago! Just had to get fucking sick when we’ve got places to be huh?” They technically could still travel, Lewis knew that, but a sick child could arouse suspicion and with everyone undoubtedly on high alert he couldn’t take that kind of risk.

“I’m sorry…” Noah whimpered, tears in his eyes.

“It’s okay-!” Lewis started, “It-it’s okay. Don’t cry alright?” The last thing he needed was a sick, crying kid, “We’ll just stop for the night soon ok?”

“I want mommy.” He sniffled.

Lewis knew better than to respond, after all what response could he offer? Olivia was gone and Noah would just have to come to accept it, “Let’s stop at a store first, get you...something, for the fever. That sound okay?”

A slow nod was all the response he received.

“Okay, hang tight kiddo. Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of you.” But perhaps that was the most worrying thing of all for Noah.

 

**10:57AM**

“Olivia Benson,”

Amanda’s eyes snapped open, at first thinking she was hearing things when she felt Carisi stir beside her. Her breathing was caught in her throat and she thought that getting news, good or bad, would bring her some sort of relief. However now she wished the nurse would go away because she feared the worst.

“Yes? We’re her team.”

“No family?”   


“Her brother lives out of town, he’s been notified and he said it’s alright if we have to make any medical decisions. Is she okay?” Amanda spoke so fast that she could barely understand her own words, “Is she okay!?” She snapped, ignoring the hand that Carisi had placed on her shoulder.

“Well, there’s good news and bad news. The good news is that she successfully made it through surgery, but she has...extensive injuries.”

“And?” Rafael thought he might vomit the contents of his stomach onto the clean tiled floor in front of him.

“As it remains right now, she is in a medically induced coma, but there’s no guarantee that she’ll come out of it. We’ve done everything we possibly could. It’s all up to her now.” This was the worst part about the job, having to notify the family and friends of the possibility that the patient may not be okay. She always dreaded it, but even more today, “She’s in the ICU, room number 139.” She could see them desperately trying to hold it together, and seeing the woman herself she knew that her chances were slim, sympathy tugged at her heart, “I’m so sorry.” And with that she headed off, desperate to forget what she’d seen.

“I...I’ll call the Chief.” Fin’s voice was hollow and when he pulled out his phone his hands were shaking.

“She’s going to be okay. She’s going to be okay.” Amanda repeated to herself, over and over again as tears streamed down pale cheeks, even as Carisi sat her down in a chair and tried to talk to her it was as if everything around her ceased to excited.

Rafael slowly seated himself in a chair away from the rest of them, holding his head in his hands in silence. The thought that she may not open her eyes again, he may not hear her voice every again was crushing. However another, even more crushing thought entered his head and when he finally felt stable enough to stand again he cleared his throat, “I hate to be the bearer of bad news but…” He trailed off. He knew that Amanda was going to lash out and he mentally prepared himself for the backlash, “She’s a victim.” He finally was able to get out, “And if Lewis is caught alive this will go to trial...regardless of the outcome for Liv.”

“How dare you!” Amanda moved to go at him but Carisi held her back.

“Amanda, Amanda, he’s right. Better we do it now before the Chief tells us we have to.” The idea of having to make a report, having to document every injury on Olivia’s body, made him nauseous. She was his superior and he’d always looked up to her, she’d always seemed to have some sort of supernatural energy around her. He’d faced down the barrel of a gun thinking that was it, that his life would end right there and then in an instant. She’d saved his life, sure, he was traumatized from the experience but she had saved him without so much as hesitating. He felt almost like he’d failed to return the favor. And now the thought of having to write down her injuries, look at her not knowing if she’d ever open her eyes again…

“She’s in a coma for Christ’s sake!” Amanda exclaimed, “We can’t wait to see if she’ll wake up? That’s cruel!”

 

_ “No, no! I’m fine, he didn’t rape me! I don’t need to do a rape kit!” Olivia protested, drawing her knees up to her chest defensively. _

_ The nurse shot Amanda a lot of frustration when the blonde walked in before she looked back at Olivia and nodded, “Very well ma’am. If you change your mind you need to let us know. Don’t shower or it could-” _

_ “Wash off any evidence, I know.” She hissed turning to Amanda when the nurse finally walked out, “They act like I haven’t been working Special Victims for 14 years.” _

_ Amanda walked in and handed Olivia a cup of tea, noting how the woman took it with shaky, bruised hands, “Olivia I know that you weren’t raped but-” _

_ “Don’t try it Rollins. Don’t ask me.” She shook her head, “I was not raped, therefore I have no need for a rape kit.” She insisted, “You believe me don’t you?” _

_ “Of course I believe you-” _ _   
_

_ “Nick doesn’t.” She scoffed, “I know he doesn’t, I could tell by the way he looked at me. Lewis did not rape me.” Olivia felt tears burn her eyes and when Amanda noticed she quickly grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter and handed it to her. _

_ “I know he didn’t rape you but at trial they are going to want to know why, and your pride is only going to cast doubt against you.” _

_   
_ _ “Trial?” Her voice crackled before she nodded, “That’s right, the beast lives.” She graciously accepted, wiping her eyes, “I’ll let them chart down my injuries but I’m not letting them do a rape kit, Amanda I  _ **_can’t_ ** _.” _

_ She could see it in Olivia’s eyes, the desperation, the misery, the sorrow, the shame. She wished she could take it all away from her, that she could have the strong woman back that she knew before, but she knew it would be a long time before she saw that woman again, if ever, “Okay, I won’t press the issue.” She sat down on the bed beside Olivia, “Are you going to be okay?” It was a dumb question but she wasn’t sure what else to say. _

_ She chuckled, “Eventually, one day. Right now? I’m not sure.” And she smiled sadly at Amanda, “Promise me something Amanda?” _

_ “Of course.” She didn’t hesitate. _

_ “If...if god forbid, something like this were to happen again…” She laughed at this, probably of the sheer absurdity of the thought, “You won’t let them do an exam on me without my consent. I know that I’m hard on victims to get a rape kit done and that I probably sound like a huge hypocrite for avoiding it but…” She trailed off, not really having a good reason as to why she shouldn’t be treated like a victim. _

_ But Amanda understood. She understood from the perspective of one victim of assault to another. She knew where Olivia was mentally, and she knew that she had been in the same place after Chief Patton had assaulted her. So she took a deep breath and ignore the detective side of her brain for a moment and nodded, “I promise." _

 

“We have to wait.” Amanda took a deep breath and calmed herself, “We have to wait to see if she’s going to wake up. Nothing that happened to her is going to tell us where Lewis is, where Noah is. We have to focus on finding them right now.”

“What if she doesn’t wake up?” Carisi spoke up, albeit quietly.

“...Then it will be the medical examiner’s job.” Rafael answered somberly.


	19. Chapter 19

They’d made the decision to go up together. To face whatever was awaiting them alone didn’t seem to fit. They were a team, no, a  _ family _ , and families supported each other through good times and bad.

The air was thick and it hung around them, getting into their noses and drying their throats; to Fin it felt more like a funeral they they were heading to a funeral. He had to admit that he never was scared about what he’d see when it came to victims, coming from narcotics he’d seen it all. But it was different when it was one of your own. It was different when he’d saved her the first time. 

“Excuse me,” Rafael stopped a nurse, “We’re looking for room 139?”

The nurse gave him a soft smile, pointing down the tall, “The last door at the end of the hall.”

Rafael mumbled his thanks before trudging forward, ahead of the others. He didn’t understand why they were walking so slow when it meant they were only putting off the inevitable.

“Barba, wait.” Carisi called.

“No, you’re all acting like something’s going to change if you move slow enough!” He spun on his heel to stare at them, a look of hurt in his eyes, “If you had moved quicker maybe we wouldn’t be here.”

The only way Carisi could describe it was akin to a slap in the face or a bucket of ice being dumped onto him without so much as a warning. He knew that Rafael didn’t mean it, he knew that Fin knew that their ADA hadn’t meant it but Amanda?

“Are you kidding me!?” Amanda yelled, going toe to toe with him, pointing an accusing finger in his face, “You know that’s big fucking talk coming from the hotshot lawyer who failed epically to prevent all of this from even happening! If you’d put forth any effort in your defense during Alice Parker’s trial maybe we wouldn’t be here! Maybe if you’d done _your_ _job_ in the first place none of this would have ever happened!”

Immediately the nurses attention was on them, “Hey! There’s no arguing here, so if you’re going to argue you need to take it outside! We have families here trying to grieve and take care of their loved ones.”

“I-I’m so sorry ma’am,” Carisi stammered to the nurse, “They’ll quiet down I promise.”

The nurse eyed the two warily before giving Carisi a doubtful nod.

“You guys!” Carisi hissed, “Don’t you realize that this is what Lewis wants? For us to turn on each other? If we’re fighting about whose fault this is then we aren’t focusing on helping Lieu or finding Noah. This isn’t anyone’s fault.” He tried to play peacemaker but he was beginning to run thin, “For Christ’s sake stop acting like kids, we need to be there for each other right now, okay?”

“...I’m sorry.” Rafael’s apology was half-hearted, untrue.

Amanda returned with, “Yeah, me too.” In a tone that didn’t even try to sound sincere.

But it was a verbal apology and Carisi would take what he could get at that moment, “This isn’t going to be easy and she wouldn’t want us to fight.” Well, he figured that if rationality didn’t work he could always guilt them into civility.

“Let’s just...let’s just get this over with.” Rafael turned away, effectively ending the standoff and they all continued forward, moving ever so closer to her room. 

However upon reaching Room 139 and peering inside they stopped. For a moment they stopped breathing, stopped living, hell they stopped existing. It was far worse than any of them had prepared themselves for and Amanda put a hand over her mouth to muffle a cry, leaning against Barba. 

“There must have been some sort of mistake this- this isn’t Liv.” Rafael shook his head refusing to believe that the woman laying in that bed was Olivia. After all the woman he knew wouldn’t possibly let herself be put into a coma. She was Olivia Benson, larger than life, immortal. 

Sonny nodded though, “This is...this is her.”

Fin pushed past them and slowly approached the bed, shaking his head, “I don’t know whether I want to shoot the bastard and be done with it or torture him.” He kept his composure rather well, despite the awful comment, “What are we going to tell her when she wakes up?” His question wasn’t directed towards anyone in particular.

“Stop, we can’t-” Rafael cut in shaking his head, “We can’t discuss any of that in here...They say that sometimes coma patients can hear everything going on around them and...and remember it when they wake up. I don’t...I don’t want her to worry.” He strode into the room, trying to keep a confidence about him, tentatively taking a seat beside her bed, “Hey Liv, we missed you.” He smiled, a thin veil for the tears building up in his eyes, “Everything’s gonna be okay, don’t you...don’t you worry,” He sniffled, wiping his eyes, “Rest easy, we’re gonna make sure everything’s alright while you recover.”

* * *

 

“Come on buddy, I know you’re tired but I can’t just leave you in the car like this.” Lewis mumbled, tugging the boy out of the backseat, “We’ll be really quick okay? Promise.”

Noah gave a slight whimper, burying his head into Lewis’s shoulder. He couldn’t possibly understand the magnitude of the situation or the risk that was being taken to get him medicine and Lewis halfheartedly wished that Noah could understand the lengths he was going to make sure he didn’t get caught. How  _ good  _ a parent that he was being. But parenting, he supposed, was a thankless job.

It was a little convenience store in practically the middle of nowhere, if he kept his head down he would be fine. He grabbed blindly at the shelves, unsure of what a child would need or what would even be safe for Noah to take. He figured he may as well just make it a trial and error case until he figured it out. Nervous wasn’t an emotion he felt very often because in his life he hadn’t had much to be nervous about. He relied on his skill to lie, his cunning, his charm, but that had been before Olivia nearly gouged his eye out. Scars were unsightly, they gave people a feeling of discomfort and distrust...they were looking for him and he had no doubt the search had kicked into overdrive after they’d found her body in the bathtub. 

He could get out of there just fine by himself but leaving Noah? He couldn’t. It would mean that even though Olivia was dead that she and her team won and he  _ couldn’t  _ let that happen. 

Setting down the basket on the counter he shifted Noah to his other side to dig out his stolen wallet.

“He alright?” The cashier remarked, her eyes moving from the basket to the sick child. 

“Yeah,” Lewis gave a nervous laugh, “My son and I were on a camping trip and he got sick, it’s my first time without my wife so I figured I’ll just get everything and see what works.”

The cashier gave a silent nod, beginning to ring him up before asking, “You own a cabin the area?”

“Actually up in Phoenicia.” Lewis was quick to answer, “We were gonna head straight home but the little guy here doesn’t seem to be up to it, so I figured I could get a couple things and we’ll head back up there.”

She nodded and that was all it took for Lewis to know that he was caught. The gun was in his back pocket, there was still a chance that-

“I just have to get the keys for the card reader, it’s sorta been on the fritz lately.” She gave a nervous laugh.

“Actually that’s fine, I’m paying with cash anyway.” He matched her calmly, pulling out the wallet and waving it in front of her, practically taunting her.

“O-oh.” She answered, meeting his gaze fearfully, “Alright sir, in that case your total comes $18.88”

Lewis nodded, “Alright, that’s no problem.” He threw down a twenty flashing her a smile of strained amusement, waiting challengingly. Inside he was beginning to melt down, but on the outside he managed to keep his cocky composure quite well.

Of course they couldn’t just sit there like that any longer and the poor cashier finally reached out to grab it when Lewis grabbed her wrist and yanked her forward, coming within centimeters of her face, “This is going to go one of two ways sweetheart, either I blow your brains out of that beautiful little head of yours or you’re going to generous by giving me a 5 minute head start before you call the cops, your choice.”

Noah whimpered softly, giving the cashier an apologetic look. She was terrified, she knew who he was and if memory served her correctly he wouldn’t even blink at killing her. She didn’t want to die, “Okay, okay!” She whispered, tears filling her eyes, “Just please don’t kill me.”   


“ _ Oh just please don’t kill me! _ ” Lewis parroted, chuckling, “You’re one of the lucky few. Hell, you should be thanking little Noah here! He’s the only reason I don’t drag your ass out of here and do to you what I’ve done to so many other women.” He let go of her arm and grabbed the bag of medicine, his demeanor immediately returning to a relaxing one, shooting her a smile, “Thank you so much ma’am. Keep the change!”

He turned on his heel and strode out a smirk on his face. In reality, the facade was quickly crumbling and panic was beginning to stiffen his bones. William Lewis  _ did not _ panic, nor did he feel fear and the simple idea of that perhaps being what was going on well, it was frankly appalling for him to think about. It was far too human for his liking.

Teeth clenched angrily together he practically tossed Noah into the backseat, pulling out in almost one fluid motion, speeding out of that lot perhaps quicker than was normal and down the street. He had five minutes to get out of there, five minutes to keep playing this game before the law descended upon him. A detour would have to be made, and he would have to lay low for the next couple days, at least until he could figure out the quickest way out of New York. He glanced into the mirror, relieved to find no one following him before he turned attention to the now-weeping child in the back, “What are you crying for now? I got the medicine like I said, didn’t I?” 

“You scared her!” He whimpered.

“Yes I did and if I hadn’t she would have taken you away from me and then you wouldn’t have me or your mother do you know what that would make you? An orphan. No one wants an orphan Noah.” He hissed bitterly, rolling his eyes when the boy’s crying worsened, kicking up the volume on the car’s radio to drown it out, “Just...Just SHUT UP!” He screamed, his vision going white with anger.

He blacked out, only momentarily however when his consciousness surfaced once more he was surprised to see he had pulled off to the side of the road and had the gun in his hand pointed at the terrified child in the backseat.

The silence was thick in the air and Lewis knew that he’d passed the point of no return, “Noah…” He lowered the gun, “Noah I’m sorry.” He mumbled, in reality he was truly very sorry but he figured a child would want to hear those words, “I didn’t mean to lose my temper, but I’m not your mother, I am not going to tolerate outbursts like that. I know you’re sick and tired and I am going to find us somewhere to stay so that you can get better, but can you please,  _ please  _ just be quiet while I drive?”

Noah took a few deep breaths, eyes wide and out of sheer fear he nodded. His tears had since dried up, and he wasn’t looking for trouble.

The rest of the drive was uncomfortably silent. Noah, despite being sick, barely seemed to breath in the backseat and Lewis, was left with the thought of what had just happened and how close he had come to not only harming him, but possibly  _ killing  _ him. Even if he hadn’t meant to draw the gun on him he still had and the thought of what could have happened to his new ‘family’ made him almost nauseous, almost.

“You and I are going to need to get used to each other Noah, we’re all we got now.” He glanced up ahead, relieved to find a tiny run-down motel, “And if I can’t have you, no one can.”

 

**11:12AM**

They’d been sitting in silence for a while, huddled around her bed and watching, trying desperately to see a glimmer of the Olivia Benson they knew in that husk of a body laying crumpled upon the bed. A few times Amanda had reached her hand out, making a motion to take Olivia’s before she ended up resting it against the bed rail. The quieter it was, the more they stared and the worse they were beginning to feel.

“We failed her…” Amanda whispered, “She’s never once failed any of us and we failed her…”

No one responded, no one protested.

Suddenly, the silence was broken by the sound of Fin’s ringtone playing from his pocket. He scrambled to answer it, in an effort to keep the peace, taking a step away from Olivia’s bed to talk, “Yeah chief. We’re with Liv right now but the doctor said…” He trailed off, listening, before his eyes lit up, “Send me the address, I’ll take Rollins and go.” He hung up, turning the group with their eyes now firmly trained on him, “A store clerk in Wells just called to report that Lewis came into her store with a sick kid.”

“Was she able to keep him there!?” Amanda jumped up, her chest tightening.

“No...She said he threatened her with his gun before leaving, but this just happened he couldn’t have gotten very far and their locking down the town and checking cars on all roads leaving the town. We’ve gotta follow up.”

“Okay, okay.” Amanda paused, finally taking Olivia’s hand, “You hang in there Olivia, alright?” And she turned on her heel following Fin.

This left the oppressive silence to two, Sonny and Rafael.

When Sonny opened his mouth to speak, Rafael shook his head, “Don’t. Don’t talk about that...not here, not in front of her.”

“You’re right I shouldn’t…” He mumbled, looking down sheepishly, “She saved my life y’know.”

Rafael cast him a confused glance.

“Last January, you remember Quinn?” 

“Yeah, the woman who was stalked and raped by the cop who saved her from her first stalker.” He recalled bitterly.

Sonny nodded, “I went in because I could hear her crying and I wasn’t being careful enough... When I turned around I came face to face with his gun and…” Sometimes he still had nightmares about it, “And he would have shot me in the head if she hadn’t shot him first. She saved my life that day and I...I couldn’t return the favor. Everyone seems to think that I should be having an easier time with this because everyone says that ‘well, you didn’t know her like they did’ but she was like a mother to me! She believed in me when no one else did!” He ranted.

Rafael had half a mind to cut him off but he could see that Carisi needed this, he need to get it off his chest.

“I just feel like I should have done something more-” His voice crackled and to Rafael’s horror the man rested his face into his hands, his shoulders shaking with each breath he took. Suddenly Sonny was crying and the usually quick-witted ADA wasn’t quite sure what to do.

  
“H-hey! Hey, don’t cry Carisi, you know Olivia wouldn’t want you to cry, she wouldn’t want you to feel guilty. She knows that you did everything you could, you’re not a superhero.” He put an arm around the man’s shoulder, “Let’s go get some fresh air, okay? Clear our heads?” He suggested. 

The man sniffled for a moment, mulling over the thought before giving a slow nod, “Just for a couple minutes.”

Rafael nodded, helping the man up and glancing back at Olivia and heading to the door, keeping his arm lightly on Carisi to support him, fearing that the man might faint, he really couldn’t be too sure. 

Carisi seemed to be doing better the farther they got from the room and the closest they got to the elevator, the walk had been made in silence and neither was sure if it was appropriate to speak first. Luckily, neither had to made that decision because when the elevator door opened they came face to face with Chief Dodds. 

“Detective Carisi,” the older man seemed slightly surprised, glancing to Rafael, “Mr. Barba. I was coming up to see Olivia.”

“Room 139,” Carisi stated, “We’re are stepping out for some fresh air but we’ll be back soon.”

The chief nodded, “Okay, take your time,” casting a weary glance again to Rafael before he stepped out of the elevator and started down the hall, while the ADA led Sonny into the elevator. 

Dodds hesitates in the doorway. He thought after seeing Mike hooked up to all of those machines breathing for him he had prepared himself for anything. However now, as he sees all of those machines, each beeping, each with its own life sustaining purpose, he swallowed thickly, his heart seeming to stop for a moment. 

The first thing he noticed was how much she looked...well, not like Olivia Benson. This woman was smaller, pale, and covered, it seemed, head to toe in bandages. It took him a minute before he actually worked up the courage to approach the side of the bed, sitting down and just staring at her. He remembered initially, before they told him that Mike wasn’t going to wake back up, that talking to them was important, that sometimes patients reported hearing their loved ones around them talking once they woke up.

“Olivia, I…” He started, trailing off into silence. What could he possibly say to her? How could he talk to her knowing full well that Lewis was in the wind with her  _ child _ . He’d lost Mike, but that was different. Mike had been an adult who threw himself into the line of fire to protect innocents. He hadn’t been a child at the mercy of a serial killer. So he sat quietly, the dull hum and beeps of the machines becoming background noise and he took Olivia’s hand, frowning and looking it over; he could see every little burn, every nick from a knife, every single little defensive wound that littered her hand.

She didn’t deserve for this to be the end, she didn’t deserve to die such a horrible and painful death knowing that she doomed her child to a fate that was perhaps worse than her own.

“We’re going to find them Olivia. I promise.” It felt wrong to make that type of promise. He knew what they were up against, William Lewis was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, one who seemed to be able to smile and charm his way out of each and every single one of his crimes since he’d started, “You have to be strong, you have to…” Again he trailed off, trying to find the right words, “You can't leave yet, you've got too much to stick around for.” They were the same words he’d whispered to Michael after the doctors had told him that he was brain dead. He hoped this time his words were heard, and that they could somehow help bring her back. 

“We’re back.” Carisi poked his head into the room, he wasn’t as ghostly looking anymore, however his eyes seemed to fall when they landed on Olivia again, as if he had hoped that she would have somehow miraculously woken up.

“Sargeant Tutuola took Detective Rollins to the store, so you’re the only one left here on the homefront Detective Carisi, I’m counting on you holding down the fort. I have to get back, there’s going to be another press conference soon, call me if anything changes.” He stopped, taking one last glance at Olivia before leaving Rafael and Sonny once more in silence; watching and waiting.

 

**1:03PM**

“Detective Rollins and Sargeant Tutuola, we need to see the victim now!” Rollins strode in front of Fin, a sort of desperation to her stride as she practically pushed past the other officers on the scene.

“Of course, I’m Officer Kallaway and the victim is still inside, Sofia Nurmi, she’s a little shaken up so proceed with caution.” He led them in, luckily missing a roll of the eyes from Rollins, “Ms. Nurmi? The detective’s leading the search are here to see you.” He approached the young woman were she sat behind the counter, clutching a bottle of water in her hands.

When she looked up the first thing that Amanda and Fin noticed was the guilt in her eyes, seeming to completely outweigh the fear, “I’m so sorry, I should have done something to stop him I-”

“Hey, hey.” Amanda rushed to her side, “It isn’t your fault, alright?” It felt wrong to blame the girl as she had before, she was doing her job and she was frightened, it was only human, “Tell us everything about the interaction, even the littlest detail might help.”

Sofia nodded, “I didn’t think anything of him at first but it was...was when I saw his face that I recognized him. The um...the scar,” She pointed to her eye area, confirming she’d seen his scar.

“Did he have a boy with him?” Fin asked, pulling out a picture of Noah and handing it to her.

“Yes, he was with him but…”

“But what?” Amanda cut back in.

“The little boy was the reason they had come in. He had picked up a bunch of different medicines, he said his son was sick, he looked...really bad when I got a look at him.”   


The both of them felt pits form in their stomachs, not just because Noah was sick but because they knew what that meant for Noah, “Thank you Sofia, for your help.” Amanda forced a smile on her face as she turned and started to walk away with Fin, “This is bad…:

“I know, trust me I know.”

“What are we going to do?” Amanda whispered, tears filling her eyes, “He can’t possibly take care of Noah.”

“He bought medicine, it means he’s going to try...We just...we have to hope that it’s just a little cold and he’ll get better.”

“What if he doesn’t,” She turned to face Fin, “What if he gets worse, or-or what if his cough comes back?”

Her former partner was silent, getting back into the car and waiting for her.

“Fin we can’t leave.” She sat down in the passenger seat and shook her head, “He hasn’t gotten far we need to start searching hotel rooms and-”

“We’ll never get warrants for that Amanda-”

“Oh screw warrants! Fin, he’s either is going to get away with Noah or Noah is going to die in his care! We can’t just sit idly by and let it happen, are you crazy?!” She shook her head, “He’s in the area and we have to figure out something to do about, why don’t you try calling Chief Dodds, there has to be something he can do to help us!”

“This isn’t New York City, he has no real authority here.” Fin sighed, “But you’re right, we can’t sit around and do nothing. Let’s head to the local precinct here, figure out what we can do.” He felt the same exact way as she did but the prospect of going rogue was one that he knew for a fact would not end well for either of them. He knew he had to be the rational one here, as much as it seemed unfair.

 

**6:38PM**

“What do you want to eat?”

“I’m not hungry…”

“Look kid, the medicine says that you have to eat something before you take it or you’ll get even sicker.” Lewis was becoming increasingly frustrated.

“I said I’m not hungry!” Noah yelled, turning and meeting Lewis’s surprised expression with one of anger.

“Did you just yell at me?” He asked incredulously, “Really? After what I did in the car you’re going to yell at me?” The man shook his head, grasping the boy’s arm, “If you don’t want to eat now we can wait but you will not yell at me! I’ve gone through so much trouble to keep us both together, I even stopped because you’re feeling a little under the weather and I will not tolerate you being ungrateful.” He shook his head, “You know maybe your mom would have tolerated this kind of behavior but I will not, do I make myself clear?”

The boy sat there in silent defiance.

“Alright,” Lewis chuckled, “That’s fine, I was gonna wait to do this til you were feeling better but now seems as good a time as any. Come on, get up.” He pulled the boy off of the bed, dragging him towards the bathroom, “You’re going to sit here and be a good little boy while I do what I need to do and I swear to God if you move or you fight me on this I will hit you so hard you won’t wake up for a week.” His hissed, proceeding to remove Noah’s shirt before grabbing the bag he’d purchased at the rest stop and pulling out a few things.   


“What are you doing?” Noah asked fearfully, trying to turn his head see what exactly was going on when Lewis put his free hand on Noah’s head and forced him to turn around.

“You’ll know in a minute.” He mumbled, fumbling with a couple things that Noah couldn’t see before he had everything ready, “Close your eyes.”   


“No! What’re you gonna do?” The young boy repeated once more.

“...Fine, don’t close your eyes but this stuff smells strong so if you start crying you don’t have anyone to blame but yourself.”

“What is it?!” Noah turned around, finally seeing a bottle of hair dye in Lewis’s hand.

“Fine, you want to know so bad it’s hair dye, see?” He tossed him the box.

“No, I-I don’t wanna!”

Lewis rolled his eyes, “Don’t be ridiculous, we have to.” He pulled the boy back over by his arm, sitting him down on the edge of the tub.’’

“No! NO!” Noah shook his head, trying to pull away from Lewis, however he really was no match for the older man who used one hand to hold him in place before squirting some of dye onto Noah’s head.

“You know this is either going to look like shit or half-decent, sit still!” He snapped, letting go of his arm to rub the dye into his hair, “This’ll be quick and painless I promise, stop being such a baby.”

But Noah was past listening, giving a whimper before starting to cry. The dye felt cold on his head and the strong smell made his eyes water and caused him to cough but there was no stopping Lewis now.

“Come on, stop crying kiddo, the dye will fade eventually and if not your hair will grow out.” Lewis made a last-ditch attempt to comfort the boy, “Hey, I think you’ll good with your hair darker y’know? You’ll look just like your mommy.”

And then suddenly the crying ceased, “...Really?”

He smirked, “Really buddy. You just have to sit still and be quiet and I’ll make this as quick as possible okay?”

“Okay…” Noah replied hesitantly, wiping away his tears.

  
The moments waiting for the dye to take were spent in silence and Lewis, for the first time in a while, thoroughly enjoyed it. No yelling, no crying, it was pleasant. It gave him a chance to think about his next move. He would have to get a new car and doing that would require leaving Noah alone there, a prospect which he did not enjoy the thought of. If Noah had managed to betray him once he certainly could betray him again. He stared at the boy cautiously, “How’re you feeling?”   


Noah shrugged, barely glancing up at him.

“Use your words.”

“Okay I guess.” He cleared his throat slightly.

“We’ll see what we can do in a little bit here.” He took a step forward before turning on the shower, “But first we have to wash that hair dye out and see how you look.”

 

**8:06PM**

“When she wakes up,” Carisi started, casting a glance back at Olivia, “What are we going to say?”

“Truthfully I don’t think anything we say will do her any good.” Barba shook his head, “Keep her sedated, keep her distract while we...while we figure everything else out.”

“So when she asks about Noah? Or Lewis?”

“We say something else. If she finds out that we don’t have either of them she’s going to either try to go after him herself or…” He shook his head, “I don’t like to think about that.”

Carisi nodded in understanding. They’d stepped out to get dinner, the option of getting something else seemed more appealing than the hospital food and it gave them a chance to breathe again, to focus, even if was just briefly, on something other than Olivia, “It’s getting late, um…” He didn’t want to come across as rude with his next comment, “Are you going to get a hotel?”

“No,” He shook his head, “Someone needs to stay here with her...just in case something happens.” Another moment of tense silence passed between then before Rafael spoke up quietly, “They’re gonna have to sedate her when she wakes up...If her injuries don’t kill her a broken heart will.”

“Hey, we can’t...we can’t think like that.”

“No we can,” Rafael turned to look at Carisi finally, “We just don’t want to. Go back to whatever hotel they put your up in and get some rest, I’ll be fine here and I swear the second something changes you’ll be the first person I call.”

“...Alright,” He finally relented, realizing how tired he was slowly standing up and walking to the bedside, “Hey Lieu,” He started, “I’m gonna go get some shut eye, don’t worry, I’ll be back in the morning and I’m leaving you to Rafael, don’t worry, I trust him.” He joked, giving a halfhearted chuckle before heading for the door.

That left just Rafael and Olivia, and suddenly for the first time the man missed the usually obnoxious detective. He leaned back in chair, stifling a yawn, “I hope you don’t mind me staying here with you, I know you’d probably rather have Rollins or Fin but you’re left with me...Well, if you have an objections in the middle of the night, don’t be afraid to wake me up.” He pulled his jacket over himself haphazardly, taking one last glance at Olivia, “We miss you Olivia…” And with that he settled in and closed his eyes, letting himself finally drift into fitful slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update! I know they're far and few between and I wish they weren't but this is the way it is. I appreciate everyone's patience, as always your reviews are so welcome and I love reading them so thank you for that! With the new season of SVU starting it's given me some new ideas for this fic, namely revolving around Noah's behavior and I won't give away anything yet but I hope you guys are excited for the next chapter! Again, thank you for your support!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter! Really it should probably be two separate chapters but they fit together so well I couldn't bring myself to separate them. This is really a chapter where Lewis is his own warning so take that as you will. Anyway I hope you enjoy!

“Well? What do you think Noh?” He asked, hands around the boys shoulders as he stared into the mirror, interested in gauging his reaction.

Noah’s face seemed scrunched up, his brow furrowed and his mouth turned into a slight frown, hand running a cautious hand through his dark hair, “I look like you.” And from Noah’s perspective that wasn’t a good thing.

“And I look a little bit like your momma don’t I?”

Noah doubted that, and it showed on his face.

“If you don’t like the color now then after you wash your hair a few more times it’ll lighten. Besides, it’s still wet, it’ll look lighter when it’s dry.” He glanced out into their dimly lit room, “I need you to take the medicine now alright? You don’t look too hot.” He placed a hand on the child’s forehead, the heat radiating from it confirming his concerns.

“I don’t wanna…” The child began to whine.

“I know you don’t but we don’t have much of a choice, I can’t take you to a doctors.” He picked up the child and walked back into the room, practically dropping him on the bed before searching for the right medication in the bag.

“Why can’t you take me to a doctor?” He asked curiously.

Lewis chuckled at that, “Because they would take you away from me silly!” He paused slightly to read the back of a box, noting that a large dose would cause drowsiness.  _ Perfect!  _ He thought,  _ Guess I’m getting lucky left and right today.  _ He poured the syrupy liquid into the cap before turning to Noah, “Can you please be a good boy and drink all of this?”

Noah suddenly became tight lipped and shook his head.

“Come on please?” Lewis asked again, ignoring that gnawing irritation he felt at the boy’s objection, “If you drink it all I promise that I’ll get you Dairy Queen next time we get food?” He figured that if a ‘please’ didn’t work, perhaps bribery would.

“But it tastes gross!” He hated taking medicine and in fact when he was sick there was many a fight he put up so that he didn’t have to take it.

“I know it does but it’ll help you get better. Here.” He handed the cup to the boy, “I will plug your nose and you drink it back really fast okay? That way it won’t taste so bad.” He was quickly running out of daylight, he didn’t have time to play good parent at the moment, not when the black SUV sitting in front of their hotel room was like a ticking time bomb.

Noah once more looked skeptical about what Lewis was saying, raising an eyebrow.

“Noah come on, before you get worse, please just take the medicine.” He waited another moment, “Or we can do this the hard way if you want, but I guarantee you won’t like that.”

It only took him a moment to remember what had happened in the car and he resisted the urge to scramble away from him in fear, giving a slight whimper before nodding, “Fine, I can take it.” When Lewis moved to plug Noah’s nose he batted his hand away, “I can do it myself.”

The man bit his tongue to resist snapping at the child again, only giving a roll of the eyes, “Well then go ahead little man, get it over with.”

Another fleeting whine and Noah plugged his own nose before quickly drinking down the medicine, resisting the urge to spit it back up and gagging slightly when he finally let go of his nose, practically throwing the little cup back at Lewis.

“See that wasn’t even that hard.” He ruffled the boy’s hair, “It’ll probably make you a little sleepy so don’t try to fight it, not like we have anywhere to be anytime soon.” He didn’t trust Noah to be left by himself but what other choice did he have? He knew the boy was just going to get in the way when he carjacked someone else, he knew if he had the kid he was more likely to get caught. However leaving him alone meant he would have to take the necessary precautions, namely hiding the phone and making sure he had the hotel room door locked...Or, now that Lewis thought about it...He still had handcuffs and Noah had tiny wrists and ankles…

A sudden and abrupt coughing from the boy brought him out of his thoughts, more-so the  _ sound  _ of the coughs than anything. He could hear a distinct rattle in Noah’s chest when he coughed and Lewis knew that certainly couldn’t be good, “Hey, take it easy kiddo, lemme get you some water.” He retrieved a small cup of water from the bathroom sink and watched as Noah took a few tentative sips before setting it down on the bedside table. He took note of how his head seemed to loll from side to side, his eyes drooping, “Noah, you should lay down, no use in trying to fight sleep.” He ran his fingers through the child’s soft curls a few times, “Lay down sweetheart.” He repeated, softer this time, coaxing the child into snuggling up under the blankets. He stayed beside him, a hand lazily stroking up and down Noah’s blanketed form, a not so vivid memory coming back to him of his own childhood when he would get sick. He shoved it away, not eager to think about that, there was no more time to dwell on the past.

The child elicited a couple more whimpers and Lewis hushed him, but soon after the boy’s breathing slowed just a little bit and he knew for certain 15 minutes later that Noah was asleep. He really didn’t want to have to do this; but Noah’s behavior hadn’t left him with a choice, “I’m sorry about this buddy, really I am.” He mumbled, slowly producing handcuffs from his pocket, “But you’ve left me with no choice, you understand right?” He pressed a kiss to the child’s warmed forehead before slowly taking one of his hands and slipping the cuff around it, not loose enough for escape to be simply but definitely not tight enough to cause him pain, before he slipped the other cuff around the bedpost, “You won’t be going anywhere, anytime soon and I will be back in a little bit. Sweet dreams.” He leaned down, brushing a few stray curls from the boy’s face affectionately before he turned and grabbed his keys, silently slipping out of their hotel room.

* * *

 

By the time Fin and Amanda had returned to the hospital(not without some harsh words for each other during arguments on the drive back) Rafael was already fast asleep in the chair beside Olivia’s bed. Whatever anger they’d thrown at each other earlier disappeared and Rafael only stirred when Amanda had pulled up a chair and sat beside him.

“Hmm…?” He blinked the sleep from his eyes, “Did you find him?” He struggled to sit up.

Amanda put a hand on her leg, trying to get him to settle down before she shook her head, “He was there with Noah and…” She sniffled, whispering quietly to him, “Noah’s sick, he came in to get him some medicine but the store clerk said he looked bad.

“No…” He whimpered, “No, I-I promised Noah he would be okay, that we’d bring him and Liv home and I…” His eyes filled with tears, “I lied to him.”

“Hey,” Fin cut him off, “We’re gonna find them. They couldn’t have gotten far and the place is crawling with cops, he’s not going anywhere with Noah.” He put a comforting hand on Rafael’s shoulder.

“I’m gonna stay,” Amanda turned quietly to Fin, “You head out alright? I’m gonna stay here with Barba.”

“...Alright,” He seemed hesitant to leave the two alone together, “But promise me that you’ll call Jesse, even if it’s just to wish her a goodnight.” When she nodded he finally relented, taking one last silent glance at Olivia before heading out.

A couple more moments were spent in awkward and tense silence between the two before finally Rafael spoke up, “How um...how bad did the clerk say Noah was?”

“She said that...he didn’t look good. I’m just...You know about his medical issues, hell, all of us do but Lewis doesn’t.” She took a deep breath, “He’s made it clear he’s hellbent on keeping Noah around but if he doesn’t know how to help Noah, or if Noah gets worse…” She ran a shaky hand through her hair, “I don’t know what he’s capable of anymore, Barba, I don’t.

Another moment of silence before Amanda cringed at the sound of her phone ringing, forgetting that she hadn’t set it to silence, “Sorry,” She pulled out her phone and Barba couldn’t tell if she had been talking to him or to Liv before she answered, “Detective Rollins.”

“Rollins, I’m glad I caught you.” Dodds’ voice came through the phone and Amanda had to stop herself from hanging up, “Detective Carisi wasn’t answering his phone and neither is Sergeant Tutuola, is everything okay?” He asked.

“Yeah, um...everything’s as fine as it can be. Carisi and Fin went back to the hotel to get some rest, I’m staying here at the hospital with Rafael. Was there something you needed?”

He gave a long sigh, sounding tired and torn and Amanda felt a pit begin to open in her stomach, “Detective Rollins I hate to have to ask you this, but I figured that of anyone, Olivia would have been most comfortable with you--”

She cut him off, “No, no…” She wanted to cry, “Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.”

“Rollins, someone needs to do an exam. Someone who knows what they’re talking about and what to write. I didn’t want to have to tell you to do this either because I know how she’d feel about it but it has to be done.” When she was silent he continued, “I can try calling Detective Carisi so that he can come and do it.”

Rollins was hyperventilating, and Rafael knew it, sitting up and looking at her anxiously.

“Detective Rollins?”

“And there’s nothing that can be done to postpone this?” She asked quietly, knowing full well that both of them knew that Carisi was not an option.

“...No, unfortunately there isn’t. I’m sorry.” He sounded genuine, it was the first time in a long time that Rollins had heard him be genuinely sorry, but it didn’t make her task seem any easier and she hung up a moment later, dropping her phone carelessly beside her before burying her face into her hands and letting an audible sob escape her throat.

“A-amanda, Amanda what’s wrong?!” Barba leaned over, setting his hand on her arm, “Please talk to me, you’re scaring me.”

She cried, quite loudly for a few minutes before she pulled her hands away from her tear stained face and turned to face Rafael, “That was Dodds,” She sniffled, gratefully accepting the tissue box he extended for her, “I have to…” She shook her head, “I have to perform an exam on Liv.”

“Oh…” Barba felt guilt swirl in his stomach; he’d told me them that they should have earlier and the way that Amanda reacted to that then, but now here she was. Her  **order** was to perform the exam and he was sure that if she didn’t the task would fall on Fin or Carisi, something he knew for a fact that Amanda wouldn’t let happen.

“I don’t...I don’t know what to do.” She shook her head, a sorrowful laugh tumbling forth, “This is my job and now I’m being presented with a friend as a victim and I-I don’t know what to do!”

Rafael didn’t know what else to do other than to pull her into a hug, “H-hey, it’s gonna be alright.” He tried to hush her, to do something to put her more at ease, but he knew that there was nothing he could possible say or do to make it better.

It was maybe 10 minutes that he just held her in silence, let himself be her shoulder to cry on for as long as she needed. When she pulled away he let her, staring into her pained eyes, mouth slightly parted as if he to say something but no words came out, not for a few more moments.

“I-I’ll get the doctor to perform the rape kit a-and then I’ll chart down all of her injuries.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“O-okay.” He nodded, “Do you...Do you want me to stay here?”

“No!” She was loud very suddenly, just that once before hushing herself again, “N-no, Liv wouldn’t want you to be in here for her rape kit.”   


He nodded understandingly, “But afterwards, when you’re writing down her injuries, do you want me to stay?” He asked once more.

She shook her head, “I-I have to do this alone...Just me and Liv, I had promised her…” She collapsed into tears once more.

It took only 5 minutes this time for her to calm down before she wiped the tears from her eyes and stood, taking a few deep breaths and waiting as Rafael stood slowly, carrying his suit jacket and heading out with Amanda, staying a couple paces behind her as she approached the nurses station.

“Um…” Amanda cursed herself for starting out like that, “I need to speak with Olivia Benson’s doctor?”

The nurse nodded slowly, “Is something the matter with Miss Benson?”

“Other than the fact she’s in a coma?” Amanda snapped before shaking her head, “I-I’m sorry. I need to speak with the doctor from a professional standpoint...I need a rape kit to be done on Olivia.” She wanted to tear her hair out having to ask for that.

“Oh,” The nurse didn’t seem to know how to react before standing slowly, “I’ll see if I can find her doctor, you two just go and wait with her.”

Rafael put a hand on Amanda’s back to steady her as they headed back to the room.

“Olivia’s going to hate me.” She whimpered.

“No she won’t, she’ll understand. You didn’t want to do this but you were doing your job.” He replied softly, trying his best to console her.

“Knock knock.” They heard a voice come softly from the doorway to find a kind-looking man there, “I was told by the nurse that a Detective Rollins wanted to speak to me?” He stepped inside.

“Yes um, that would be me.” Rollins stood slowly leaning on the table, not trusting her legs to keep her upright.

“I’m Doctor Akkerman,” He held his hand out to shake hers, “the nurse told me that you wanted a rape kit to be done on Miss Benson?”

Amanda nodded quietly, “My superior wants a full report.”

“Alright, I will get a nurse to come in and assist you...Is he going to be sitting in as well?” Dr. Akkerman’s attention turned to Rafael.

The ADA however, gave an embarrassed blush before he shook his head, “No, um, no I won’t. She wouldn’t be comfortable with that.” He stood and walked to the door with Dr. Akkerman, turning to glance at Rollins one more time, “If you need anything Amanda I’ll be right outside.”

When they exited it left Amanda to wait in silence with Olivia and the blonde found herself drawn to Olivia’s bedside, letting herself softly slip down onto her knees before grasping Olivia’s hand in her own, “I’m so sorry.” She whimpered, burying her head into the blanket covering Olivia, “I’m so, so sorry.” Taking a moment to compose herself she thought of how Olivia would want her to be strong, she wouldn’t want her to cry. It helped her to ground herself, standing slowly and carefully tucking Olivia’s hand back where it had been, luckily just in time as the nurse entered mere seconds later.

“Detective Rollins? I’m Theresa, I’m going to be doing Miss Benson’s rape kit.” She gave the woman a sympathetic look, “I promise that I will make this as painless for her as possible.”

“Not like she can feel it right?” Amanda deadpanned, still in the process of trying to detach herself from the situation.

Theresa frowned at this, “I’m going to need some assistance from you, you’re the expert I suppose.” She mumbled, pulling her cart to her side, taking note of how to color drained for Amanda’s face when she saw it, “Can you help me get her feet in the stirrups?

“I…” She tried to say something but figured that her actions were better than words, carefully helping the nurse, wincing at the sight of her legs, marred with bruises.  _ Defensive wounds,  _ she noted in her head, and Olivia was covered in them. As soon as the nurse pulled out the swabs Amanda stepped softly to the side, watching anxiously, raising an eyebrow as the nurse frowned.

“Her wounds are consistent with a sexual assault,” She started, waiting until Amanda had started writing to continue, “We don’t see many sexual assault victims here, not near as many as you see in New York I imagine,” Theresa shook her head with a frown, “I’ve never seen injuries that are...like this.” When the words seemed to be only be answered by radio silence Theresa tried to get Amanda to talk, tried to pry her thoughts back to that of her officer brain instead of her family brain, “Do you mind telling me about her case? Did you catch the guy?”

“No,” Amanda stated bluntly, “He has her son.”

“O-oh,” Suddenly Theresa didn’t feel much like talking either, however this was their job and it didn’t really matter how much they wanted to avoid it, “Vaginal tearing is indicative of repeated sexual assault over a short span of time.” She glanced up at Amanda, amazing at how clinical her expression rendered, “Are you going to be taking photos of her injuries?”

“Yes.” Amanda deadpanned, “Is it just vaginal tearing?”

Theresa nodded in confirmation, “Yes, that I can say definitively. There’s...blood and various other fluids. Likely both of theirs, could you hand me a few more swabs?”

The blonde detective complied, trying not to think about what all of this meant for Olivia, what it said about what she’d faced, “We’ll have to check the rest of her body...He’s burned his victims before, she probably has...defensive wounds everywhere--”

“That’s alright, we’re in no rush.” She carefully put the swabs in the tubes and set them aside, “They charted most of that down in post-op.” Theresa hoped that would at least bring Amanda some comfort.

“Can I see those notes?”

“Yes, once we’re finished here I can get you the full chart.” She frowned softly, moving upwards to the top of the bed, carefully undoing a couple of the clasps on the gown to reveal Olivia’s chest, snapping her head up when she heard Amanda inhale sharply at the sight of bitemarks and small bandages covering the cigarette burns, “Oh…” Was all that Theresa could muster.

“Olivia…” Amanda whispered, the misery in her voice betraying her, “What did he do to you…” She inhaled and exhaled rapidly for a moment before realizing that the nurse was staring at her.

“Detective Rollins you look a little pale, perhaps you should sit.” She suggested.

“No, no. I’ll be fine.” She insisted, trying to shake off the thought of how and when Olivia received these wounds, how they had caused her both physical and mental pain... _ Don’t think about it, don’t think about it.  _ And she willed the images away, “Would you happen to know if these bitemarks were swabbed before they were cleaned?”

Theresa glanced down at her chart, before sighing, “Not that my records indicate...I’m sorry. From what I understand she was in bad condition when she was brought in. They charted down all of her injuries and if it’s DNA you’re worried about...well,” Her expression was grim, “I don’t think there will be any lack of DNA from the swabs…”

Amanda tried desperately to let that thought roll off of her like a water droplet, “I think that...I think that I’d like her chart now, if you please.”

She hesitates for a moment, but realizes that Amanda knows what she’s doing, probably better than herself, “Alright but...If you need anything, or notice anything that you’d like to chart down or swab don’t hesitate to ask for him.” She picks up one other tool, “Just let me scrap her fingernails first, do you think she fought?”   


“She fought like hell,” That Amanda was 100% sure of.

Theresa leaves quietly with everything to send to the lab for evidence examination and when she returns with the surgeon’s notes Amanda accepts them wordlessly and, not wanting to say something to set the detective off, she leaves.

Amanda almost wished she had stayed, the silence in the room was overpowering and she couldn’t ignore the thought of Olivia, lying there on that bed just behind her, “I’ll be with you in a sec Liv, gotta double check these notes after all.” She tries to make the situation better by talking but it only feels worse when she received no response.

_ It’s just a list of injuries. Victims have injuries, this is normal.  _ She tells herself even though she was well aware that it was different because Olivia was her  _ friend  _ and Lewis? Lewis was a monster.

The doctor’s notes however provide her some comfort; they are cold and clinical, a welcome change to the tension and emotion that she and the team had faced over the past few days.

 

_ Bruises are consistent with defensive wounds. Particularly the bruises on her face, which although seem to be minor compared to others, have to be monitored carefully as they have aggravated swelling; monitoring of the brain in particular is key. _

 

Amanda stops and walks over to Olivia, thinking that her face looks quite peaceful, she wished that Olivia  _ could  _ feel peace but as her friend and as a mother she knew she wouldn’t. True to the doctor’s notes the bruising on her face was minor; her left eye seemed to carry the brunt of her facial. A deep purple splotch that Amanda was sure stuck out to her so vividly due to the paleness of Olivia’s usually honeyed skin. Bruising, much less severe around her chapped lips is what her eyes were drawn to next and she could only imaging the brute force that Lewis probably applied when he kissed her--it made her skin crawl.

“I’ll see if I can get some chapstick for you soon..” She mumbled before returning to the notes, suddenly she wasn’t feeling so horrendous.

 

_ Fractured collarbone is minor and will heal on its own. Scattered bitemarks and burns, likely from a cigarette, across the neck, collarbone and chest along with a long cut, about 2 inches in length on her chest going across the left breast-- _

 

Or not. Amanda set down the reading once and methodically walked back to Olivia, wordlessly pulling her gown slightly off of her chest, coming face to face with a multitude of bite marks, bruises, and cigarette burns. Just below the right side of her collarbone she noticed the impression and burn of a key, luckily, not very deep but a key burn nonetheless. When her eyes moved down slightly more she could immediately notice the cut, certainly not deep, but long and looked it had to have been very painful, beginning to scab over. Her immediate reaction was to manage a slight gasp before clasping her hands over her mouth. 

When she got her hands on the son of bitch she was going to  _ kill  _ him. She was going to make him  _ wish  _ that he had never been born.

Amanda pulled the blanket up and onto Olivia before she returned to the notes this time, not wanting to leave Olivia even the slightest bit exposed.

 

_ Patient showed signs of significant head trauma from repeated abuse, contusions to the head and abdomen are indicative of a violent attack with malicious intent. Defensive wounds(cuts and bruises) appear on the forearms and legs, consistent with a defensive position, Ribs 4, 7, 8, and 9 were broken, while ribs 2, 5, and 12 were cracked. _

 

She shakes her head again and runs her fingers through her hair, unable to imagine the pain one broken rib would cause, much less 4.

 

_ Her right radius is fractured and she will have to wear a hand and wrist brace for the next few weeks to avoid any further injury which could land her in a cast. Her wrists are significantly bruised and the pattern of cuts are consistent with handcuffs as was indicated by EMS. _

 

Amanda stops and once again approaches Olivia, gently lifting her left arm from under the blanket, observing the blossoms of deep purples and blue and even reds around her wrists, as well as a thin line of aggravation beginning to scab over. She’d seen this before and in fact it wasn’t uncommon if someone resisting arrest were pulling at their cuffs, but usually it was hostages or victims who ended up with the bruising that bad.  _ Of course Lewis had you cuffed.  _ She thought,  _ He knew if he didn’t you would have beaten the shit out of him before he’d even got the chance to lay a hand on you. He’s nothing but a fucking coward.  _ She tucks Olivia’s hand back under the blanket, nicely and neatly despite the fact that the further down she traveled the more and more she would have to pull the blankets off, still though she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving Olivia cold. For now she decided to skip over reading the actual surgical notes, knowing that would be the longest part and no doubt, could potentially be the most gruesome part to read.

 

_ A large gash in the patient’s right thigh required 8 stitches, likely from a very sharp blade. Cuts and knicks are also consistent with the same type of weapon. Key burns on the left thigh are 2nd degree, with time and perhaps a skin graft they should heal but the scar will remain. _

 

She’s quick, methodically, desperate to detach herself from the situation but she moves the blankets and pulls up the gown to reveal bruises, cuts, a stitched gash, the  _ key burn _ \-- She has to turn away, has to turn away so the image will not burn itself in her head, has to turn away from avoid the burning in her throat. She wishes she was stronger, strong enough to face this herself, strong enough to do her job.

“Amanda?” Rafael asks quietly, seeing the woman, ghost-white in color, standing outside of the room with her hands covering her mouth, breathing deeply. She’s silent so he asks again, “Amanda…?”

“I-I can’t--” She shakes her head, tears in her eyes.

Rafael helps her sit, “It’s okay, just take it a deep breath Amanda.” He kept a hand on her back, both to steady her and himself, “Talk to me.” His voice was soft and hushed, not wanting to attract the attention of anyone around, even if it was just the nurses at that time.

She buries her head into his shoulder and sobs quietly, clinging to him as if he were the only thing keeping her there at the moment, keeping from the horrors that lay in that hospital room, written down on clinical papers, “It isn’t fair.” She hiccups, finally able to speak, “It isn’t fair.”

“I know.” Rafael knows she’s talking about Olivia and whatever injuries that she had seen. He knew that her thoughts were not of herself and her suffering in that moment but what Olivia had suffered and would continue to suffer.

They stay like that for a while, him holding her while she tried desperately to catch her breath. He wants to ask if she would like him to go in and help her but he knows better, he knows that she won’t be thinking of herself or even her own sanity but of Olivia and her dignity, or at least, what little was left of it.

She lifts her head from his shoulder, her eyes are red and puffy from crying and she graciously accepts the tissue that he offers her before offering an apology, “I-I’m sorry. I got...mascara all over your shirt.”

He chuckled slightly at the absurdity of the comment, “It’s fine Rollins, I can get it dry cleaned.”

A ghost of a smile tugs at her lips and she gives a soft whisper of a laugh, her eyes looking back at the room, “I should…”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help?” He knows what the answer is but was trying to be polite in asking again.

“I’m sure,” She slowly stands on shaky legs, “I was...I was almost finished anyways I just…” She trails off.

“We’re gonna get him.” Rafael reassured her, “We’re going to get him and he is going to pay for what he did to her. All of it.”

“Oh so you’re a cop now Barba?” She chides weakly, “This shouldn’t take me too much longer…” She was hesitating and they both knew it.

“Would you like me to go down to the cafeteria and get us both some coffee?” He offers.

“Yeah I...I’d like that very much, thank you Barba.” And just like that a veil falls over her eyes and she’s back to being a cop.

He stands slowly, ignoring the stiffness that screamed in his joints and headed down the hallway.

“I’m sorry Liv.” Amanda speaks softly when she re-enters, almost as if she were scared to wake Olivia, “I had to get some air for a second. Barba is getting some coffee so I’ll wrap this up.” She walks back over to her Lieutenant--no, her friend, and adjusts her gown before tugging the blankets ever so carefully around her, “Please wake up Liv...Please…” She whispers before returning to the doctor’s notes and deciding to tuck them away for now. She’d done what Dodds had asked her to do; an examination had taken place and she had gone over her injuries. Reading about a near fatal stab wound wouldn’t change that, a stab wound was a stab wound after all.

She whirls around on her heel at the soft knocking on the door, looking out and seeing Rafael, opening the door for him and graciously accepting the second coffee cup he hands to her, “Thank you.”

“No problem.” He doesn’t quite hear here words because his eyes are on Olivia once more, “Any word from the doctor about when she’s going to wake up?”

“No…” Amanda tries to hide her frustration, “They said it could be soon or it could be not at all. We just have to sit on our asses and wait. Wait because we don’t have the means to find the bastard who did this to her, even though he has her son--”

Rafael sets his coffee cup down and yanks hers from her when he sees her beginning to crush the cup; he doesn’t want to make a mess for the hospital staff to clean up.

“Sorry…” She mumbles, taking a seat beside him, just 3 feet from Olivia’s bed. The silence that passes between them is crushing, both of them have their eyes on Olivia, watching her chest rise and fall as the machines assist her breathing.

It feels almost serene, until Rafael speaks up; “What Lewis did to her…” Rafael shakes his head and lowers his eyes, “Maybe she’s better off dead.”

Amanda inhales sharply as if he’s slapped her in the face before whipping around to face him, “How could you say something like that!?”

“Think about it Rollins! What he did to her--She’s a strong woman but she’s only human! If she wakes up and we, by some miracle, have Noah, how on earth is she going to move forward? Will we be able to look at her the same way? Will Chief Dodds let her resume her position as Lieutenant of Manhattan’s Special Victims Unit? Will she even want her job back at all?”

“Stop it! Damnit Rafael,” It’s rare she calls him by his first name, “She has us a-and we can help her through this.”

“Is she going to want our help? What happens when she wakes up and we don’t have Noah? What happens when he have to tell her that her son and Lewis are gone and we don’t know where they are.” He looks at her with pained eyes, “We have failed her in every single way possible, why would she want to have anything to do with us?”

Amanda curses herself for not having an answer, for not being able to  _ know  _ that Olivia wouldn’t turn her backs on them, wouldn’t curse them or even, hell, blame them for what had happened and was no doubt going to continue to happen.

_ Damn lawyers,  _ she curses to herself,  _ Damn lawyers and their stupid damn questions. _ She decides to let the conversation fade into nonexistence and when she speaks to him again there is no malice in her voice. “What time is it anyway?” She asks before taking a swig of her coffee from her luckily almost half-crushed cup.

“It’s…” He checks his phone, “2:10AM”

“Jesus,” Amanda hadn’t realized how much time had passed and how long the exam had really taken, everything just seemed to be moving so agonizingly slow…

“I’ve got no doubt that Carisi and Fin will be back soon.” He has his phone volume set to silent, “Not that Olivia needs everyone crowding her.”

Amanda makes a small noise in acknowledgement of his comment before leaning in her chair, suddenly the once unpleasant thing seemed comfortable enough, “I’m gonna rest my eyes for just a few minutes.”   
“...I think I might too.” He sets an alarm on his phone to go off in an hour before setting his coffee cup on the table and settling into the chair. When he looks over Amanda is already deep in sleep.

 

**2:26AM**

Lewis had been driving around for hours now. It felt like he was playing chicken with himself trying to find a road secluded enough that he felt comfortable, knowing the risk of a cop finding him or hell, even someone who would be suspicious. A few times he’d circled back and driven by the motel, but he knew that if had that car any longer he was a dead man. 

Finally he’d found what he was looking for, a secluded road that seemed to only have one car pass by it every 15 minutes or so. He pulls over and scrounges around in the trunk before finding a screwdriver. In the dark a slashed tire wouldn’t seem so suspicious and so he goes about his business, slashing through the front left tire with some difficulty and waiting. Waiting for a car to go back, to take pity on him.

It doesn’t take long and he’s grateful for that because that night seemed to be colder than all the others.

The car is an older SUV, silver in color. He prays silently to himself that he isn’t recognizable in the dark but that’s just the beginning of his problems. Stepping out of the driver’s side is a young woman, and Lewis  _ knows  _ he’s in trouble.

“Hi there!” She calls, “You need some help?”

“Actually yes,” He gives an embarrassed laugh, “My phone is dead and I really need to get ahold of my wife.” He tries to convince himself to let her, that she wasn’t worth the trouble, “Would it be possible for me to borrow your phone?”

She smiles and walks over, handing her phone to him, “Sure go ahead. What happened?”

He pretends to dial a number, holding the phone up to his ear, “I had the tire patched a couple weeks ago and I was warned by the shop to get a new one but I thought it’d last.” He chuckles, “Pretty stupid of me huh? This is what I get for trying to save a few bucks.” He frowns and hands her back her phone, “Damn she isn’t answering. Oh well, I did try. I got ahold of her a little bit before my phone died and she said she’d call the towing company but I guess it’s just gonna take a little longer for them to find me. Thank you for your help Miss…?”

“Michelle.” She flashes him a smile and he can’t help but notice how lovely her eyes are, “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do to help?” She offers again.

“No, I think I should be fine really, thank you again.”

He didn’t know what made him do it, perhaps the compulsion was too great or his urges far too reckless but he took a couple steps after the young woman calling out, “Wait--!” His self-control had flown out the window, “Actually perhaps there is a way for you to help me.”

“Yes?” She turned around, giving him a sympathetic smile.

“I left my son in our hotel room so I could run some errands because he was sick...Is there any way you could give me a lift back there? I can call the tow truck from there.”

A couple steps towards him and he knew he was going to have his cake and eat it too, “Where was it that you were staying?” And Lewis surprised an awful laugh; women were so easy to play.

It wasn’t 10 minutes later when that he’d led her into a circle, able to feel the palpable sense of discomfort, of regret, coming from her and what was he doing? He was having fun, he felt like a kid in a candy store, it was only a matter of time before he took what he wanted from her.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to plug the address into my phone?” Michelle asked softly, wanting nothing more than for him to be out of her car.

“No, I swear it’s just up the road, right up around this bend?” He leaned over to point it out to her, his free-hand slowly grasping the gun he had shoved in his waistband, yanking it out in one swift motion before holding it against her neck, “Michelle sweetie, I’m gonna need you to pull over alright?”

Her breathing had nearly stopped and they were both lucky that the back road seemed abandoned at that time of night because her foot had slammed onto the breaks before he’d even finished asking, “Please…” She whimpered, tears filling her eyes, “All I have is $50 in my wallet, if you take it and go then I won’t tell anyone I promise.”

Lewis nods slowly, as if he was really thinking about taking the money and going before he sighed, “If only it were really money I was after.” He moves his free hand to trail softly up her arm and to her shoulder, “You’re going to be a really good girl okay? I don’t want to have to kill you, after all you seem so sweet. I’m sure you have a family that would miss you.” He moves his hand from her shoulder to the gears, shifting the car into park and flicking on the hazard lights, “Get in the backseat, now.”

Michelle’s stomach seemed to flop and she resisted the urge to vomit at the thought of what would inevitably happen next. Moving slowly and awkwardly to the backseat of her car, acutely aware of the gun pressed against her back, “Please, please, please don’t do this.” She practically whispered.

“Hey it’s alright sweetheart, I promise that I’ll be quick and I’ll try to make sure it’s painless.” He runs a hand through her hair, “Lay on your back.” He directs.

Michelle relents, tears streaming down her face now, “Your wife must be--”

He cuts her off, “I wasn’t completely honest with you Michelle. I’m not married.” He shows her his hands mockingly, “And my ‘wife’? She was one of my girls, she’s dead now though.” He sets to work undoing her pants, rolling his eyes at her crossed legs.

“Oh God…” She hiccups, burying her face into her hands out of pure shame and embarrassment, yelping when he yanks down her pants and underwear, she stiffens in fear at the sound of his pants being unzipped and when he abruptly enters her she practically shrieks from both the emotional and physical pain.

Lewis can’t help but roll his eyes at her sobbing, thinking to himself:  _ Olivia didn’t sob like this when I took her  _ and  _ Olivia was tighter than this.  _ And to his shock and dismay he found himself slightly disappointed in his experience, bitterly figuring that Olivia had probably ruined good sex for him now too. Nonetheless once he’d pushed the thought of Olivia as far back as possible he found the whole thing almost cathartic, as if he’d needed it.

Michelle was a sobbing mess by the time he’d finished, curling into herself to cry, bothering only to pull her panties back up and ignoring Lewis’s lingering presence almost entirely.

However he was still there staring at her observantly for a few moments, “Hey, hey.” He pulled her hands away from her face, “No more crying alright.”

“Go the hell away!” She snapped, shoving him.

All he did though was laugh, “I don’t think you’re in any position to argue. Besides, I still need your car, you see I slashed the tire on mine so it’s pretty undriveable and it’s not like I can just leave you here, you’ll tell the cops.”   
“W-what?” She was terrified, thinking that had been the end of it but it looked like it just wasn’t so for her.

“I’m telling you to pull up your pants and get into the passenger seat, if you cooperate I’m not going to hurt you again.” He rolls his eyes, “If you cooperate you live, if you don’t you die. Why is that so hard to understand?”

“You just raped me!” She snapped, “And now you expect me to act like nothing happened?!”

“That’s the plan sweetheart.” He forced her back into the front seat, “Buckle up, I promised my kid some food. Wouldn’t want the meds to make him sick.”

“Your kid?” She asked softly. 

“That, contrary to my wife, was not a lie.” He starts up the car and pulls away from the side of the road. 

“Is he even your kid?” Michelle wasn’t sure what made her ask, perhaps it was the impossibility of someone having a child with such an awful man or the story about his wife. 

“He is now.” Lewis replied plainly before changing the subject, “You know if there’s a Dairy Queen around here somewhere? I don’t think he’s gonna too happy if he wakes up before I get back and I did tell him I’d bring him something good.” He asked nonchalantly, acting as if nothing had even happened. 

She stared at him incredulously and suddenly she was unsure herself of what had just happened. It all seemed so surreal, like a bad dream and when she woke up she’d be back in her bed, “This isn’t happening…” she whispered, shaking her head, “This isn’t real.”

“I assure you it is sweetheart, can I see your phone? Thanks.” He didn’t wait before snatching it from the cupholder and deciding to look it up himself, “Looks like this’ll take...maybe 20 minutes,” he glanced at her, “You want anything?”

“What?” She looked dazed almost. 

Lewis rolled his eyes, “Nevermind, I just need you to sit there and act natural alright?”

“...” She wanted to say something but words had escaped the 20-year old. 

The drive was silent for the next 10 minutes, Lewis glancing every-so-often down at the phone to make sure he was going the right way and Michelle, eyes glazed over staring out the window.

“So Michelle…”

“Don’t.” She was finally able to make out, “Don’t try to talk to me a-about my family, or me, or whatever, just  _ don’t. _ ” She sniffled, wiping the tears from her face, “You’re a monster.”

“And you’re not the first person to say that. If you think that’s supposed to make feel something...Guilt or sorrow maybe, it isn’t happening.” He leaned a little closer to her, “You would probably never leave the house again if you knew how many other women are just like you.” He brushes a piece of her hair out of her face with his hand, caressing her cheek, “You’re not special. You’re a quick fuck to sate my appetite, never forget that.” He leans away when he feels her beginning to shake and as soon as he removes his hand from her cheek she lets out a blood curdling sob, bringing her knees up to her chest and resting her forehead against the passenger window. About to pull into the drive-thru lane he turns to her and raises an eyebrow, “Didn’t I say that I needed you to act natural?” He snaps.

She shrinks back even more taking a few gulps of air to try and calm down.

He rolls his eyes, “Look, you’ve got 2 seconds to calm down or I might be forced to do something that you really, really won’t like. Can you just work with me here?” He flashes the gun at her, “I can only be so patient…”

“O-okay, okay!” She panics for a second more before forcing the tears to stop, closing her eyes and leaning back further into the seat, taking a few more deep breaths before finally returning to a somewhat normal state.

“That wasn’t so hard now was it?” He mocked.

“Shut up…” She hissed, turning away to stare out the window.

“You try anything and you’re gonna get the poor son of a bitch working the window killed.” He grabs her face and forces her to look at him, “Don’t think I’m bluffing.” And he lets go before pulling forward.

Michelle returns to a state of a catatonic isolation. Time doesn’t seem to pass and her eyes nor her ears seem to be working because when she blinks again they are parked at a motel and she doesn’t recall how they got there.

“Michelle?” Lewis has called her name not once, not twice, but three times now, “I know you’re not dead, come on, answer me if you don’t want to die.”

She turns around to look at him, blinking rapidly with confusion written on her face.

“I’m gonna go around to the other side of the car and let you out and you are going to come back into my room with me.” 

“N-no!” Michelle blurts out, “That wasn’t the deal! Y-you never said you were going to keep me captive!”

“I’m not but I need to check on my kid and get him some food.” He rolls his eyes and again jabs at her, “I already told you that you aren’t special Michelle.” When he gets out of the car he makes sure to shove the keys into his pocket before letting her out of the other side, “If you run I shoot.” He warns, pointing her towards the door to his hotel, “And be quiet walking in, if he’s still asleep I want to keep it that way.” 

She nods mechanically and heads for the door, glancing around as he unlocks it. She wishes there was someone around, someone to see her, someone that perhaps could help her but, she was in no such luck. It seemed there was not a soul around besides the two of them and he shoves in her in through the door unceremoniously. 

When she looks around she spots one bed, a dingy looking TV. She notes that the room smells faintly like hair dye and on the bed she spots a sleeping little boy, couldn’t be older than 5, handcuffed to the bed. Inhaling sharply she for a split second forgets her own pain and suffering and wonders what this poor child has been through.

“Good he’s still asleep.” He shuts the door and locks it behind him before heading over to the bed, carefully uncuffing him and Michelle watches as the boy inhales sharply and stirs just seconds later, “Hi Noah. Daddy’s back.” He gives him a lazy smile running a hand through Noah’s dark tresses, “I brought you Dairy Queen like I promised, how’re you feeling?”

Noah seemed groggy, giving a soft whimper, “So-so.” He finally replies, his eyes falling on Michelle.

“This is Michelle, she’s a friend of daddy’s, she’s just dropping by.” Lewis looks at her, “Aren’t you Michelle?”

She gives a slow and pained nod, “Hi there…”

Noah seemed to know that something wasn’t right, he turned to look at Lewis with a frown on his face.

“What?” Lewis rolled his eyes, “You know you’re too smart for your own good.” He hands the boy a bag of food and a milkshake, “Hurry up and eat so I can give you more medicine.”

“I don’t wanna take more medicine…” He whined.

“I know you don’t but we don’t want that cough of yours to get worse now do we? It just wouldn’t do.” He shook his head before lazily turning his gaze to Michelle, “Michelle sweetheart, this is my son Noah. Noah, say hi.” He gives the boy an expectant look.

Noah gives a resigned sigh and looks at her again, “Hi Michelle…”

“H-hi Noah.”

“Eat your food Noah.” Lewis repeats, purposely turning the child’s head from Michelle, “I gotta check your temperature in a little bit too.”

“I want momma...” Noah whimpered softly before starting to pick at his food.

“Noah…” Michelle felt a little brave, taking a couple steps towards the two of them, “When was the last time you saw your mama?”

The boy’s attention turned to Michelle, “A long, long time ago.” He whimpered.

A slightly growl grumbled low in Lewis’s throat and he shot Michelle a warning glare, “Noah has his father, that’s all he needs.” He pulled the boy into a hug, which, to Michelle seemed more like a possessive yank than anything.

Michelle took the hint; as much as she wanted desperately to help Noah she knew that there was no way to do that without getting herself killed so she kept a distance and watched as Lewis slowly let Noah go back to eating before he flipped on cartoons for him, walking over to Michelle and staring down at her with a raised eyebrow when she shrunk back, “Not feeling too high and mighty now are you? Funny, I don’t remember giving you permission to speak to my Noah…” He feigns ignorance for a second before grabbing her wrist tightly, “Once I get him to go back to sleep we’re gonna go for a drive and you better pray that I don’t want you again.” He released her arm and returned to Noah’s side, watching as the boy finished the last of his milkshake, “You enjoy that?”

Noah seems to think for a second before giving a nod.

“Good, that’s good. I need you to take the medicine now though.” Lewis pulls the bottle from the table, suppressing a chuckle when the child grimaces, “I know, it tastes awful and it makes you sleep but rest is the fastest way to get better.” He pours the medicine into the cap of the bottle and holds it out for the boy.

“One condition.” Noah pipes up and Lewis motions for him to go on, deciding to humor the child, “I get to go with you and Michelle on a car ride.”

Suddenly he regrets ever letting the child speak and sighs, “I don’t know Noah, I think you should stay.”   


He shakes his head rapidly, “Then I won’t take the medicine!”

“Wonderful,” The man rolls his eyes, “Now you decide to be difficult. Fine, go ahead and take the medicine and you can come with us.”

Michelle breaths out a sigh of relief; surely he wouldn’t do something with a child in the car!

Noah, with some difficulty, manages to suck the medicine down quickly, sputtering for a moment before taking a sip of water and slowly getting out of bed.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Lewis questioned.

“To the car.”

“How about we wait a little while buddy?”   


“No! No! You told Michelle that you’d go after I went to sleep but I don’t wanna sleep! I wanna go!”

He resisted the urge to give the child a good slap for yelling like that before standing, “Fine, fine! Let’s go Michelle.” He figures that it’s easiest to just drive around until sleep overcame Noah.

Michelle stands rather automatically and heads for the door, thanking all the stars in heaven that this little boy was here, seeming to be her guardian angel despite the unspeakable trauma she had already faced. She was grateful for this one reprieve.

Lewis ushered her into the front seat while he strapped Noah into the back before getting in and driving, figuring it wouldn’t be too long before Noah was asleep. In the meantime however he thought that it might be nice to talk to Michelle, “So Michelle,” He kept his voice quiet, “You got a boyfriend?”

She looks in his direction, obviously keen on ignoring him but realizing that it wasn’t really an option, “No.”

“No? I’m surprised a beautiful girl like you is single. You from New York?”

“You from New York?” She parroted mockingly.

“If you must know I’ve been in New York for 5 or 6 years.” He replied nonchalantly, “But the past 4 were spend up in Riker's.”

Michelle’s blood runs colds; she realizes in an instant  _ who  _ he is and better yet, who the child trying to fight sleep in the backseat is and she gulps. She'd heard it in passing on the radio for the past few days: The story of the NYPD Lieutenant and her son who were abducted by an escaped convict. Her mouth feels slightly like cotton but she refuses to put her realization into words.

She doesn’t need to though, because Lewis has already noticed the change in her demeanor.

“Where are we going?” She asks softly, “He looks pretty tired.”

“That’s for me to know and you to find out and yep, that’s the point of the medicine.” Lewis replies, glancing into the back and seeing the boy close his eyes. Finally, he heads towards his intended destination; the car he’d abandoned.

He pulled up wordlessly, making a final check to the backseat of the car before turning to Michelle, “End of the road sweetheart, let’s get on out.”

Michelle stays put and suddenly, she realizes, the car is the safest place for her to be, “What are you going to do?” She asks fearfully.

“Well, I can tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m definitely not going to be raping you again. There, does that put you at ease?” He gets out of his side and opens the door for her.  _ How chivalrous.  _ She thinks sarcastically, taking one last fleeting glance at the child before getting out.

However what neither of them are away of is that Noah was awake in the backseat, and as soon as they close the car doors Noah’s eyes flutter open and he cranes his neck, looking into the rear view mirror to watch the two of them.

Lewis takes a couple steps behind the car with Michelle. Both are silent; Lewis feels much like a hunter stalking his prey. He knows everything that will happen, and she knows nothing. Michelle sniffles, “I’ll tell the police that I didn’t see your face, that--that you were wearing a mask.” She doesn’t want to risk him attacking her again.

He nods, seeming to mull over the idea in his head, “Sounds like a good plan Michelle, a really good plan.” When he sees her relax he continues, “But I don’t think you’d make a very convincing actress.” When she stops, he stops as well, looking her in the eyes, “After all you didn’t exactly put up a convincing front in the car.” She opens her mouth to protest but he cuts her off, “I said too much, and really, the fault is on me for that, but that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook entirely.”

Her eyes widen in fear and her heart sinks. Lewis sees it in her eyes; predator catches prey.

Noah can’t hear the exchange, but he does watch. 

He watches as Michelle speaks to Lewis, he watches when Michelle stops and Lewis keeps talking, and he watches when Lewis whips out the gun from the waistband and shoots.

The flash he sees, and the noise he hears barely a second later, causing him to jump and inhale sharply. A pit forms in his stomach and Noah bites his lip harshly to keep from crying out.

Then there is silence.

“...Oh Michelle, you almost made it, almost.” Lewis says softly to the form of the young woman, lying dead in the grass, a bullet hole in her head. He nudges the body with his foot before sticking the gun back into the waistband of his pants and heads back towards the driver’s side of the car.

Noah panicked when he sees the man heading back towards the car, his breathing hitched and his eyes are filled to the brim with warm tears. He wishes regretfully that he’d let sleep overtake him, now the medicine seemed to do him no good; he didn’t know if he could ever sleep again. He can’t let Lewis know he was awake; after all if that’s what he had done to Michelle, what on earth would he do to him?! So Noah shifts ever so slightly, shielding his eyes from view as he clenched his fists, forcing his breathing to slow and relinquishing the tensed hands for a relaxed position, trying to force the image away just in time for Lewis to get back into the car. He could  _ feel  _ the man’s eyes on him, resisted the urge to scream, it felt like his very soul was being burned and he thought for a second that there was no way he’d be able to pull this off. However as quickly as the burning had begun, it had stopped abruptly when the car turned on and Noah felt the car pull away. It wasn’t until the radio turned on though that Noah felt it was safe enough for him to start breathing again, careful to stay quiet, careful to keep pretending.

Lewis hadn’t noticed that the boy wasn’t asleep, but part of him had the nagging suspicion that no child could sleep through a gunshot that close, not even medicated, not that he really cared.  _ After all,  _ he thinks to himself,  _ Noah is going to understand it eventually.  _ With a new car now, Lewis felt safe enough to return to the motel, glancing in the mirror before giving a slight whistle, “Noah, we’re back, you up?”

No response.

Lewis shrugs, tugging the child from the backseat and noting that he isn’t as limp as he should be, “You’re awake.” It’s not a question.

Slowly Noah opened one eye, feigning sleepiness and giving a whine before closing his eye again.

“The medicine must really be getting to you huh?” He sounds almost sympathetic, locking the car and walking into the hotel room, setting Noah down onto the bed and staring for a second, “I’m gonna leave the remote next to you while I take a quick shower alright, feel free to change the channel if you want.” Listening closely he can’t help but chuckle when Noah’s lets out a sigh of relief he seemed to be holding in before closing the bathroom door behind him.

Noah wants to leave. His head buried in the pillow he takes a couple of shaky breaths but the tears are flowing in abundance now and he finds that sobbing makes him feel much better, so he cries and cries until he hears the water turn off and then he sniffles and wipes his eyes and yanks the blanket up and over himself, turning away from the door.

When Lewis walks out he looks from the TV to the untouched remote before shrugging and grabbing the thermometer off the couch, “Hey Noah,” He knows the child isn’t asleep now, “Come on buddy, lemme take your temperature one more time before bed.” When the boy doesn’t budge he rolls his eyes, “I know you’re awake, don’t make this hard than it needs to be.”   
The boy gives a soft whine before turning over, unaware of his red eyes and tear stained cheeks.

  
“Why were you crying?” Lewis asks, sticking the thermometer in the boy’s mouth and wiping his cheeks, frowning when he hears the beep and withdraws it to see a reading of a temperature of 102.

“I don’t feel good...” He hiccups, and it isn’t a complete lie. He didn’t feel well, his illness however was only a side effect but the image of what happened to Michelle continued to replay in his head.

“Aw it’s alright Noah.” Lewis sets the thermometer aside before crawling into bed and pulling the child close, fingers carding through his hair in a calming motion, “I am going to make sure you get better. Now calm down, you’ll feel better after some more rest.” It isn’t exactly what he had hoped for and Lewis resists the urge to scrunch his nose at the smell of Noah; despite the bath the smell of sickness seemed to remain.  _ You’re a parent now, this is part of parenting.  _ He tells himself optimistically that this will be the last time for a while, but for now, he figured, the child would likely enjoy some parental comfort.

He would be wrong though, because while Noah was aching for his mother, he wanted nothing to do with Lewis and had to bite back a protest when the man settled in beside him for the night. Sleeping on the floor seemed like a much better prospect than sleeping beside Lewis; the man who had hurt his mother and killed an innocent woman.

All hope of that was dashed though when Noah felt Lewis roll onto his side and drape an arm around him, yanking him closer. Noah tried a few more times to wriggle out of the man’s grip but whenever he felt him shift Noah went stiff, fearful of waking the beast. He lay awake, grateful when a mixture of exhaustion and medicine plunge him into a dreamless sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK OK, so...I can explain. But first: I'm sorry for the 2 month radio silent gap between chapters. Definitely not intention! School and work caught up with me and I didn't get a chance to work but I won't lie: For a while there I wasn't sure how exactly to write. This chapter I've written and re-written over the past 2 months probably about 5 different times. I KNOW where I want this story to go but written it down it seemed...lackluster. Hopefully I'm back on my groove, hopefully I'll update more than once every two months! Thank you for sticking with me and my story, lovely reader, and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

**3:02AM**

A figure stares into the cold, sterile hospital room: Observant, concerned,  _ guilty _ . His eyes were led around the room, from the darkened corners to the machines, before finally dropping to the comatose woman in bed. He wants to go in there, wants to sit beside her and hold her hand and tell her that he was  _ sorry for everything that had happened, for everything he’d done and hadn’t done- _

But then he notices the pair sleeping fitfully in chairs beside her, and he knows they’re there to keep watch over her. He’s grateful for that at least; knowing that she has friends, people who love her and care for her. It crosses his mind that he doesn’t recognize either of them, they weren’t from  _ their  _ time, in fact they seemed like they were from another word entirely. They wouldn’t know him and even if they had, he knew they wouldn’t let him any further than the doorway. She’s suffered enough anyway and, on the off chance the commotion would wake her, he’s sure that he is the last person she wants to see. So he stays where he is, the silent observer. She had good friends, she was as safe as she could be there, resting.  _ Just resting,  _ he told himself, assuring himself that was all she was doing.

The thought of her son crosses his mind and he can’t help but feel like he should do something, but what could he do? He couldn’t do anything, not without her,  _ never _ without her. He wasn’t even half the man he had been without her. He prays, silently, for the first time in many years, he prays for her recovery, for her healthy, for her happiness. She deserves to be happy, she deserves to have a nice life. She’s always been more deserving than him, he’s able to acknowledge that after all the time that had passed.

He stays like that for a long time, noting the two sleeping would shift slightly every so often(and of course they would, who could be comfortable in those ungodly hospital chairs?) but Olivia stayed in her bed, laying there unmoving, unfeeling, hell perhaps it wasn’t even her in there anymore. A long, heavy sigh escapes his lips before he whispers, “I’m sorry Olivia.”

  
And then he turns on his heel and he leaves. He’s caused her enough pain.

* * *

When Lewis woke in the very early hours of the morning it was because of the dampness he could feel through his shirt, and the smell of sweat and sickness that tugged in hazy memories of childhood; of overly hot summers in Kentucky, a soft woman’s voice singing lullabies, a cloth, cool and comforting, pressed to his forehead,  _ “Lewis…”  _ He couldn’t place a face to the voice, but a dull ache crept into his chest, tightening it’s vice,  _ “Sweetheart…” _

His eyes snapped open as he felt a shiver, blinking wildly for a moment and wondering just where the hell **that** memory had come from, finally looking down and coming face to face with a child--Olivia’s child- no,  _ his  _ child sleeping fitfully drenched in his own sweat. 

“Noah?” He gave the boy a little shake, shocked at how hot his skin felt to touch, “Shit, Noah? Hey, wake up, wake up! I gotta take your temperature.”

The child’s only response was a soft groan and eyes that opened only briefly before he returned to sleep.

“Come on, you couldn’t have gotten fucking sick at a worse time, why couldn’t you have just waited til we were in Canada?” He hissed, grabbing the thermometer and propping the boy up, “Fine, stay sleeping, that’s never stopped me before.” He grumbled, opening the child’s mouth and sticking the thermometer under his tongue withdrawing it quickly at the beep.  _ 103\.  _ “Shit.” He set it aside, “Shit, shit, shit!” He curses. While Lewis’s knowledge of children were limited he knew that a temperature of 103 definitely wasn’t good, in fact it was probably bad enough to warrant a trip to the hospital.

_ “He needs to go to the hospital!” _

_ “No, god damnit! You’re not taking him, I said he’s fine no quit ‘yer nagging and let him sleep it off!” _

That memory struck him so hard he almost forgot where he was and what he was doing for a few seconds, trying to brush it off as quickly and suddenly as it had come on. His focus needed to  **here** , he needed to figure out what to do with this sick kid. But a hospital? That was impossible, he had  **not** worked that hard to keep Noah just to leave him in a hospital because of a little fever. 

“Hey!” He shook Noah again, “Wake up kid you need to take medicine.”

The child gave a weak groan, eyes barely able to even crack themselves open before a pained moan escaped the boy’s lips, “I don’t feel good...”

“Well that’s not exactly a surprise now is it?” He sneered, “You’re sick, of course you don’t feel good. Take the medicine.”   


“Noooo, I don’t want to!” He protested.

Lewis growled in irritation, setting it down on the nightstand and shrugging, “Fine, die then! Be my guest, really! Not like I didn’t try to help you.” And he turns away from Noah before laying back down.

A soft whimper broke the silence and the seconds that followed it were filled with sudden weak sobs.

The fleeting thought of hitting the boy in the back of the head again to knock him out came briefly to him but then again that came with the huge risk of concussion, as if Noah wasn’t already bad enough, so instead he opts to at least try and be a parent, turning back over, “What are you crying about now?” He snapped groggily.

“I don’t want to die!”

“Well no duh.” He picks the medicine back up and holds it out to the child, “You won’t die if you take the medicine.” He’d said it but now Lewis wasn’t so sure. He could hear the rattling in Noah’s chest far louder now. Surely children couldn’t die from a little flu could they?

Noah gulped down the medicine and laid back down, shaking, despite being under the covers.

“Do you want something to eat?” He offered knowing that the kid was probably hungry.

Noah shook his head, “Not hungry.”

“...You sure?”

The boy shot him a deadly look that rivaled only that of Olivia’s, “Okay, okay, geez...” Lewis raised his hands in mock surrender, “Have you ever been sick like this before?”

The boy shrugged. Of course, how would he remember? “Mama said I got really sick when I was a baby and had to stay in the hospital for a long time.” He remembers that much, his mother had explained the story to him when he’d had a cough, telling him that he had to be extra careful so he didn’t sick again.

“Oh,” He hates this feeling, insecurity, confusion, it wasn’t right, it wasn’t  _ him _ . He didn’t feel those things, they were signs of weakness which he wasn’t. “Well, you’ll be fine I’m sure, don’t worry.” He pushed back hair that had been slick against his forehead before letting Noah slump downward and back into sleep.

A few minutes passed, then 10, then 20 and Lewis watched the rise and fall of his chest, wondering, just before he drifted back to sleep, how long would it take before those little lungs gave out?

 

**8:18AM**

“Rafael…?” The voice was quiet but certainly not quiet enough and he had half a mind to snap at whoever dared to wake him when...reality hit. He gave a soft groan.

“Yeah well, sleeping like that in a chair will do that to you.”    


It was Carisi, suddenly Rafael didn’t feel so bad about ignoring him, batting his hand away slightly.

“Come on Barba, why don’t you back to the hotel and get some rest?” He offers, “I’ll even drive you back.”

“ _ Jesus Christ- _ \- Carisi,” He grumbles, “Just leave me alone before I turn into someone you really won’t like.”

“Aw Rafael, I could never not like you!” Sonny lays on the charm so thick it’s nearly dripping from his mouth, “I brought coffee.”

Now that, Rafael could understand, cracking an eye open slowly and sitting up, “The changing of the guard.” He mumbles wryly, wincing at the sound of his back cracking when he stretched.  “Where’s the coffee?” He glanced at his phone, “Slept through my alarm...” He grumbled.

“That’s probably for the best.” Carisi handed him a warm cup, “You and Rollins needed the rest. How’re you feeling?”

“Does it matter?” He asked, rolling his eyes, “I’m fine...I just...I’m as fine as I’m going to be giving the current situation.” He glanced at Amanda who still seemed to be asleep before turning back to Carisi, “Chief Dodds called last night, made her do an exam on Liv so if she’s in a bit of a mood just give her space.”

Carisi seemed surprised but nodded knowingly, “She’s okay though?”

“I don’t know.” Rafael answered honestly, “Last night was...really, really rough. She shouldn’t have had to do that.”

“Why didn’t she call me or Fin?”

“What, are you kidding?” He gave a half-laugh, “No offense to either of you but this is Liv we’re talking about and if it were up to her there would be no exam.”

“You’re probably right.” He answered before walking around putting a hand on Amanda’s shoulder, shaking lightly just as he’d done with Rafael, “Hey, ‘Manda?”

Unlike Rafael’s slow coaxing, her eyes snapped open and she was up in an instant, sending Sonny stumbling backwards, nearly crashing into Olivia’s bed.

“Is everything okay!?” She was looking around frantically.

“Amanda, i-it’s okay! Everything’s alright I was just waking you up.” Sonny recovered fairly quickly, taking a step towards her, “I-I brought coffee, do you want some?”

“Carisi!” She snapped, “I thought something was wrong, don’t do that!” She rubbed her face with her hands, taking a deep breath, “I don’t want coffee, just leave me alone.”

“Alright, alright.” He turned back to Rafael with a look of concern on his face, but it wasn’t as if he wanted his head bitten off, he’d leave Amanda alone if that’s what she desired.

“What’s going on in here?” Fin asked, poking his head into the room.

“Nothing, nothing. I just spooked Amanda waking her up.” He mumbled, shuffling his head slightly. It reminded Rafael of a child who’d just been scolded.

“Well, we’ve got company so…” He shrugged.

“Hasn’t she been crowded enough?” Amanda snapped, “Who!? Who could  _ possibly _ want to see her now?”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing that I don’t take up a lot of space. Looks like you’ll have to wait your turn Don.”

Amanda whipped around, nearly falling out of her chair in shock to see Munch and Cragen standing there in the doorway, “I…”

“It’s alright Amanda.” Munch waved her off, “High tensions, you didn’t know.”

“Neither did we.” Fin pipes up, “Next time try giving us a call before you decide to make a surprise visit.” He’s joking of course.

“Captain Cragen, I’m sorry.” Amanda apologizes meekly, slowly standing up and out of her chair. She doesn't care that he technically isn't Captain anymore, he'd always be Captain Cragen to her.

He shakes his head, “No, don’t be. We decided to come up, figured that maybe you guys could use a break.”

“A break?” Amanda chuckles, “If only we could.” She glances at Olivia and bites her lip to stop tears from coming, “She hasn’t woken up yet…”

“Hey, it’s alright Amanda.” Cragen puts a hand on her shoulder, “Olivia is a fighter and she is going to wake up.”

“Yeah but...Noah.”

“You're gonna get him back.” Cragen sounded so sure it was a relief to Amanda, “It’s only a matter of time. You and Barba need to get some real food, can’t live on coffee.” When she tried to protest he shook his head, “I don’t want to hear any ands, ifs, or buts about it you two. Munch and I will stay with her until you guys get back.”

“Don’t trust us? We’ve taken care of Olivia longer than you’ve been on the job.” Munch quipped.

Amanda weakly turned to look at Olivia. She didn’t want to leave her side: what if she woke up, what if-?

“If she starts to wake up then you will be the first one to know.” Cragen always did have a habit of being able to tell what his detectives were thinking.

“...We won’t be gone long.” Amanda mumbled before turning away from her friend to look at her former boss, “If anything happens,  _ anything,  _ call me.”

Munch and Cragen took seats beside Olivia’s bed, watching as the others reluctantly filed out, seemingly terrified to let Olivia leave her sight again, the absolute worst wasn’t over yet and...they couldn’t even think of what Lewis’s next moves would entail. They were quiet for a moment before Cragen spoke up, “I met her mother once.” He reminisced, “She begged me to have Olivia reassigned, she didn’t want her working anywhere near Special Victims.”

“She would have been so proud of her if she could have seen her. Liv is...perhaps the most capable and resilient woman I've ever met. Special Victims is one of the hardest places to be but she’s been there for 20 years. I’d even go so far as to say that she’s better than us.”

“Well,” Cragen chuckles, “Let’s not go that far.”

The two men are grateful for the lighthearted exchange before their focus is back on her, “She’s going to wake up soon.”

“Oh? You can see the future?” Munch jabs.

“No but I know Olivia.” Cragen sighs, “If she dies, he wins and she’s never going to let him win. He won most of the battles but she’ll win the war.”

Both agree in silence.

* * *

 

When Lewis wakes up morning has officially come and a sliver of light peaked through the closed curtains makes him certain that it isn’t some ungodly hour anymore. Despite the low temperature in their room Noah’s skin was still far warmer than it should have been and no matter how many times he asked the boy if he was too warm he always answered that he was cold before burying himself back under the covers. It was calmer now though than it had been in the early hours of the morning, at the very least his breathing had evened out and that annoying whimpering had ceased. He actually looked sort of peaceful, lying there.  _ Good,  _ he thought,  _ Best he gets all the rest he needs to break that damn fever.  _ He rolled out of bed and stretched, ignoring the crick in neck, no doubt a result of his awkward sleeping position before he heard his stomach growl, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. It had been a while since either of them had eaten anything.

“Noah,” He called softly to the boy, leaning over the bed and whispering, “I’m going to get us breakfast alright? You want anything?” He doesn't want to wake the kid up too quickly.

When the child rolled over, hair in disarray, cheeks seemingly stained a soft scarlet flush from the fever he could certainly understand Olivia’s desire for a kid; kids were cute, hell, had he not known the truth then Lewis would never have second guessed Olivia being his mother Noah, they looked alike, even if they couldn’t see it, he could. It was good that Noah was cute, a cute face made him all the more useful, he had once relied on his charm and good looks to lure girls into a false sense of security but now with the  _ unsightly  _ scar on his face...It was good that he had a cute son to use. “Pancakes.” He rasped, breaking Lewis from his thoughts, little arms shaking slightly as he propped himself up; it took great deal of effort to do so, “And milk…”

“You’re sick, how about juice instead?” He offered, pushing a couple curls off his face. There was a lot of things Lewis could stomach, but cleaning up this kid’s vomit was not one of them.

“Mmkay.” And with that the boy collapsed back down onto the bed into slumber.

“You’re already looking better buddy,” he pulled the blanket back over Noah, “When I get back we’ll see if you can keep anything down.” He waited a few minutes to make sure the child had fallen back to sleep, mumbling to himself, “Not sure I need to cuff you, you aren’t going anywhere in that condition.” He  _ should,  _ he knows that, but he supposes that perhaps it’s pity for his current state that keeps Lewis from going forward with it and when he leaves, he makes sure to take the phone with him; no use in driving aimlessly to find something to eat in that dead end town, he didn’t have time for that. Regardless of whether Noah was better or not they were leaving for Canada within 48 hours, this was too dangerous and, he was going to run out of luck soon. Hopping into the car and starting the drive his hand subconsciously clung to the phone, an particularly awful idea swirling in his head.

_ Lewis...Come on now, don't be stupid. _  He tried to convince himself to play it safe, to act like he had a sound head on his shoulders...

But then again he was a glutton for punishment, wasn’t he?

* * *

 

Breakfast is a quiet and somber affair. Carisi at first tries to make small talk, doing anything he could to lighten the mood but it became glaringly obvious that it would do no good. Amanda picked at a plate of pancakes while Rafael had taken a couple bites of his toast before setting it down with disinterest.

“Hunger strike?” Fin asked, “You really think Liv wouldn’t want you to eat?”

Rafael rolls his eyes, “I didn’t let you two drag me out of the hospital to patronize me. Of course she’d want us to eat, she’d want us to be normal, she’d want us not to let this affect us like it has but the fact is that she isn’t here to tell us that herself.” He picks up his toast and takes a rather large bite, and Amanda follows suit. Neither would admit to Fin being right, but he sees it and so does Carisi. A win for them.

“Any new leads while we were asleep?” Amanda asked tiredly, as if she doesn’t already know the answer.

“...” Both are silent, Amanda drops her fork on her plate.

“What,” She cuts them off, “And don’t say you don’t want to tell me. What did he do now?”

“...Early this morning they found a Jane Doe, dead on the side of the road. Single bullet to the head, right beside the stolen car that Lewis had been driving from Manhattan.” Carisi admits, he and Fin had heard of it from Dodds who had apparently been calling in favors himself to get the necessary information.

“How old?” Rafael didn’t know why he was asking.

“No younger than 16 but no older than 23. No ID, no nothing, they’re still trying to figure out who this girl was.”

“Damnit,” Amanda hissed, “Where was this?”

She met Fin’s gaze as he almost immediately looked away.

“I told you,” Her voice was quiet before she had slammed her hands down on the table and stood so abruptly her chair clattered behind her, “I told you that we should have gone after him! We know where he is and you won’t come with me to get him because of technicalities!?” She didn’t wait for an answer, storming out of the dinner without looking back and jumping into the car she’d driven up in with Carisi. He could ride with Fin and Rafael, she didn’t care, she just wanted to be away from them, all of them.

She didn’t want to worry Cragen or Munch but the idea that they had been so close--! They could have prevented that poor woman’s death, she  **knew** it. Amanda sat there by herself and waited for them, not really wanting to have to be in a car with any of them but was it fair for her to make off with their car like that? No, no it wasn’t. She was almost relieved when it was Carisi who jumped into the car after a little while; she wasn’t sure if she could stand Fin at that moment, not after the info he’d given her.

“Amanda…”

“Don’t Carisi,” She cut him off, “Nothing you, or Fin, or anyone can say to me will mean anything, we  _ know  _ where he is and if we had gone after him sooner then that girl would still be alive!”

“It’s not your fault-” He cut in, before realizing that he’d made the situation worse when he saw tears in her eyes.

“It is!” She sobbed, wiping at her eyes, “It is my fault! I knew that I should have just gone to check out more leads but-!”

Sonny glance out the window to notice that Fin and Barba had already pulled away before his attention was fully on Amanda, pulling her into a hug, “Hey...It...There was nothing we could do because of what the law says-”

“Then screw the law!” She didn’t even hesitate, “Carisi I need you to promise me something.” Their eyes met and he was startled by how frantic hers looked, “If I go after him you’ll have my back, won’t you?”

“Amanda I-”

“ _ Please  _ Carisi,” She took his hands in hers, “If I don’t then more innocent people are going to die,  _ Noah  _ is going to die.”

Carisi was glad no one else was around, “Alright.” This was a bad idea, he could feel it but he didn’t like the thought of others being dragged into this, and he certainly didn’t like the idea of having to tell Olivia that her son was gone or worse, “Alright if...if you go after him I am behind you all the way.”

A bit of the intensity that she’d been holding seemed to roll off her, shoulders relaxing slightly, “Thank you Carisi.” She leaned back in her seat, rubbing her temples as Carisi drove back to the hospital in silence.

* * *

 

She’s floating alone in a calm and dark sea.

_ Is this death?  _ She wonders miserably,  _ Or is this limbo, where I’ll stay because of my actions in life.  _ If it is she feels like it’s what she deserves. Yes, she’s done good in the world but she could vividly remember her countless knows. Taking the wrong side, failing to protect a victim, the crimes she committed-- 

She knew they would catch up to her sooner or later she had just hoped it would have been later.

A piece of Olivia, floating out somewhere on that distant ocean, knows that this isn’t the case. This isn’t heaven, or limbo, or hell even. She knows she’s still alive, sometimes she’d feel the flutter of someone touching her skin, the movement of a blanket, and sometimes she’d catch the whisper of a voice, but always just a whisper and never enough for her to understand what it is saying or who is saying it.

She’s desperate to call out to the voice, to ask what it’s saying to her but no matter how hard she tries she’s still too far off, too lost inside her own head and yet there’s still so much she needs to do.

“Come on Olivia,” She says to herself, “You have to wake up…” She recalls her brief meeting with Dodds, Sonya, and her mother. She hadn’t wanted to wake up then but now?

_ Noah.  _

Her son was still out there, her son who had already been through so much in his short life. Her son who was a fighter. Her son who had somehow managed to gain the upper hand against Lewis, something that Olivia found herself almost completely incapable of doing!

_ Fine, don’t live for yourself. Live for him, live for Noah! You are all that little boy has, he needs you and you can’t abandon him. _

And that? That was something that both the old and new Olivia Benson knew she was capable of doing.

**9:31AM**

“We’re gonna head out, okay? Get out of your hair.” Munch was the first to stand in the tiny room which, with 6 people, not including Olivia in her bed, had become quite cramped and no one seemed eager to leave, “Call us if anything else happens, alright?” He received a nod from Fin.

Cragen walked up to Amanda, “Keep following the leads, see where they take you.” He would never encourage his detectives to go rogue, he’d dealt with plenty of that from Olivia and Elliot, kept them out of trouble but now...Perhaps going rogue was the only way to end this and he hated to think that way, but he saw that look in Amanda’s eyes and he  _ knew.  _ He always could see it in them...

“Thanks, Cap.” Amanda replied softly, watching as the two former SVU members exited the room, and while the space still felt small, there was at least more room to move around in, “Any more information about the newest vic?” Amanda asked.

Fin’s silence served as the only answer she’d receive.

“Did you at _least_ tell Dodds about our hunch?”

“Yeah but until we have solid evidence he told us we’re staying here with Liv.” Fin didn’t like it either, but he knew that with all the media coverage surrounding this case and the pressure he was sure that came from 1PP, Dodds would not hesitate to fire them if he had an inkling they were planning something behind his back or deliberately withholding information.

Rafael turned to the group, “The newest victim, where was she found?” He knew he wasn’t exactly a detective but maybe a fresh pair of eyes wouldn’t hurt.

“A secluded patch of road. To anyone it would have looked like a carjacking gone wrong but she was beside the car he was last seen with and the local precinct told us that once they get the autopsy results back they’ll let us know if she was sexually assaulted.” Sonny answered.

Rollins forced herself to stop a roll of the eyes, “I doubt we need a confirmation based on his previous victims…” That shuts them up and she’s grateful for the silence, anything other than listening to them talk about a nameless victim whose blood was on their hands. More people were going to die; the thought occurred to her suddenly and even as she tried to shake it off she was able to acknowledge that it was likely the truth. Lewis had a habit of making victims out of anyone whom he saw an opportunity to take advantage of. It would be just like this nameless victim, just like that officer who he’d shot in Suffolk County.

They’ve all run out of things to say; all of their optimism, their hope? It, much like Olivia, seemed to be stuck on a ventilator. If they had to pull that plug then well, they may as well have been dooming Noah.

And then it happens. Fleeting and sudden, so quick that one might think they were hearing things: a soft, short whimper comes not from them, but from Olivia. And when their heads snap to look they can see the face of their Lieutenant, their  _ friend,  _ twitching softly. 

And again, another soft whimper confirms for them that this is  _not_ a dream, this is reality and they were very much there bearing witness such a miracle.

Olivia Benson lives to fight another day.


	22. Chapter 22

The voices were becoming clear and clearer and the sensations of the world around her seemed overwhelming for a moment. At first she tries to sit up but found that far too grueling a task. Her whole body felt like it were made of stone and this was a prospect that brought fear to her consciousness.

The last bit of strength she could muster up, desperate to call out, becomes a soft whimper. So soft in fact that she fears that perhaps they couldn’t hear it. Carisi and Barba both turned, the first to notice this new development. Then the fear came and with it a spike in her heart rate, monitor beginning to beep rapidly, and not even half a second later Rafael looked back at Rollins and Fin, “Go get the doctor, now!” He sprung upwards, nearly colliding with the bed as he rushed to Olivia’s side, taking her hand, “Olivia!? Everything’s going to be alright, it’s okay!” He searched her face, both shocked and relieved to find her facial features twitching ever so slightly and moments later he felt the tiniest, weakest squeeze of his hand, breathing out suddenly before holding her a little tighter, worried that if he let go she would somehow slip away from him once more, “The doctor’s coming, it’s okay Liv, it’s okay...” 

When Fin rushed back in with the doctor Rafael was pulled backwards by Carisi and while he knew it was to make way for the Doctor it still made him feel a sense of panic, enough for him to call out, “We’re all here Liv, it’s going to be okay!”   


“Miss Benson? Can you hear me? It’s Doctor Akkerman, you’re just waking up so you aren’t going to feel right for a while, please just calm down and we’ll make things more comfortable for you.” He turned to the door to nod to his nurse, glancing back at Rafael and the others, “She’s going to be okay but I need you all to sit back while the nurses remove her tube. She may not be able to talk or do much today but she’s out of the woods.”

Amanda grasped tightly to Fin’s shoulder, breathing out a shaky sigh of relief, not realizing how much she needed to hear those words to absolve her of some guilt. However it was replaced by the ever present fear for Noah’s life. She’d known him since he was a baby, she’d seen how his medical issues had affected him and the grief it brought for Olivia. How could she possibly look her in the face and tell her that Lewis had gotten away with her sick child. “I-I need to get some air.” She mumbled before turning and practically running from the room.

When she had escaped the confines of the hospital, letting the sun hit her face, inhaling sharply the cool fresh air of early morning she had immediately felt sick. Leaning against the wall she took another few deep breaths, nausea rolling over her in waves. She tried to push the feeling away and finally, to no avail, she emptied the contents of her stomach into one of the bushes nearby(honestly she was a little frustrated that her breakfast had been in vain). Her throat burned and her eyes watered but her physical discomfort compared little to what she felt inside. She had not only failed Olivia in every way possible but she had betrayed her as well. If Olivia wanted to blame her for her pain and suffering, her victimhood, if she wanted to blame her for the loss of Noah and the disappearance of Lewis then she would gladly take the blame. 

Olivia had trusted her and her alone, and she had failed her.

Amanda, finally having gulped in enough air, slumped down against the wall and rested her face into her hands, whispering to herself, “I’m so sorry Olivia...I’m so sorry.”

* * *

 

Sonny, Fin, and Rafael had sat quietly off to the side, watching with hope as Olivia seemed to be coming back to them, slowly but surely. Carisi had cringed and looked away when they’d removed the tube from Olivia’s mouth, not wishing to see the slight jerk of her body as her gag reflex was triggered. She had been silent, moving her fingers sometimes and her eyes would flutter open for a few seconds at a time before they closed again. The doctor had told them that it could take anywhere from a few hours to a few days for her to come out of her foggy, almost trancelike state. She’d been through so much and everyone reacted differently to trauma so there was no telling how she’d be once she was clear headed again.

In hushed voices they spoke to each other about the situation, about how best to comfort Olivia. They wanted their friend back  _ so badly _ , to be able to talk to her and find out what she knew, as well as to help her through this but in the same breath they hoped and prayed that she would stay in this state long enough for them to find Lewis and Noah and to rescue Noah, fearing the unknown, fearing how Olivia would react to the news that they’d rescued her but Lewis had fled with Noah. The uncertainty of it is was probably what they feared the most.

“...” Her voice was inaudible at first, they stared silently, holding their breaths and waiting, “Raf…” The voice came so soft it was barely even a whisper.

“Hey Liv,” Rafael took her hand, smiling softly, “I’m right here, what do you need?”

Her tongue flitted out slightly, trying to moisten her dry lips, but her throat and tongue felt bone dry and it took almost all of her effort not to cough, “No…” She started quietly, “No...ah…Noah?”

Rafael glanced back at the other two men for help, but found them with the same panicked look on their faces. So he did the only thing he could think to do, “Hey, you must in be a lot of pain right now huh? Do...Do you want me to get the doctor’s to up the medicine so you’re more comfortable?” He felt guilty trying to dope her up like this, knowing full well that the medicine would mean that her head would be in the clouds, but the thought of that right now was better than the thought of her screaming and crying when she realizes that they didn’t have Noah.

A couple seconds went by, and Olivia at first attempted to nod her head, but when that failed she simply gave him a slow thumbs up.

“Okay, I’ll go get the doctor, Fin and Carisi are gonna stay right next to you.” He took a few slow and tentative steps away from the bed before he turned and walked to the nurses station to ask for the doctor.

Olivia could barely hear what was going around her, the fog was still thick and she still couldn’t fully comprehend what had happened, all she knew was that she was tired...So very tired.

The doctor upped the medicine, after having to coax her awake once more to confirm she was okay, and once he’d done that she’d slipped back into her deep slumber. It wasn’t much but it perhaps bought them some time.

  
Amanda, after returning from her short trip outside, sat despondent beside her bed, staring at Olivia in silence. Carisi had tried to speak to her first, then Fin, but she never answered, never even seemed to acknowledge their presence beside her. For the first time perhaps ever she was terrified to speak to Olivia, terrified for the woman to open her eyes and look at her with confusion and ask,  _ “Where is my sweet boy?”  _ She could hear in her head the shrieks and wails of a mother whose lost her child; she’d heard it before in their line of work, in fact countless times, but Olivia was different and no matter how hard Amanda tried to put herself in her shoes she knew that she couldn’t understand her pain. She  _ prayed  _ she never had to.

“I’m here, what’s going on?” Dodds had burst into the room so unceremoniously and without warning Amanda jumped about 5 feet into the air, turning to glare at him, “She’s on pain meds, don’t wake her!” It came out meaner than she intended for it to sound but it had the prescribed effect as Dodds cleared his throat, seemingly embarrassed before speaking up, much quieter this time.

“Update me, please.”

“Doc says she’s out of the woods, but they’ve got her on strong meds for the pain.” Carisi explained.

Dodds nodded understandingly, breathing out a sigh of relief look at Olivia.  _ Thank you,  _ he thought,  _ thank you for saving at least one deserving person in this world. _

“She asked about Noah,” Barba interrupts, staring at her, “She asked about Noah and I...I just asked if she wanted more pain meds…”

This was something he didn’t have an answer for. An unimaginable question. Tell the truth and well...Dodds honestly pitied anyone who would meet Olivia Benson’s wrath under any circumstance, “I’m going to hold another press conference...tell the public she’s still alive,” he could feel a storm brewing and decided to take precautionary action to make sure one of them didn’t shove him through a window, “And before you crucify me because you think it’s a bad idea I need to ask you to  _ try  _ and think of it from an outside perspective. You said it yourself that he bought medicine for Noah, he’s going out of his way to take care of him so it’s highly unlikely he isn’t going to kill him now. If he knows he failed with Olivia it could give him reason to stick around so that he can-”

“So that he can  _ what,  _ Chief!? Hm!? Try and come back and-and-and” Amanda tumbled over ‘and’ three times before managing to continue, “try and WHAT!? Kill her!? Rape her!? Again?” She felt sick to her stomach; one because of the thought of Lewis trying to assault Olivia again because he was impulsive and obsessed but two because she knew that Dodds was  _ right.  _ He was right when he said that Lewis wasn’t going to kill Noah because they all knew that he clearly had no intention of doing so. She almost resented the fact he was right more than anything because well, to put it plainly, Dodds had been wrong all the time in the past and Amanda was not fond of him. 

“William Lewis is not going to kill Noah to retaliate against Olivia.”

“Not intentionally, but we’ve all seen it before, accidents happen. And forgive me for sounding rude but how exactly is this supposed to be a benefit for us?” Carisi asked.

“As I was saying before Amanda...started talking, if Lewis knows she’s alive it means he failed; he’s going to get sloppy. The sloppier he gets the easy it’s going to be to find him and once we know where he is we can figure out how to get Noah back safely.” He finished his explanation.

Amanda shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose, feeling a god awful headache start to come on. She couldn’t take it anymore, he wasn’t  _ listening _ ! “I need some air, I’m going to get some coffee.”

“I hope you mean here,” Dodds snapped, “What? You think I’m stupid Detective?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and pushed past him; fine, she’d wait until he was busy with something else to slip out but she couldn’t stand waiting there anymore!

“I’m sorry about her Chief.” Fin apologized, rather half-heartedly, for Amanda. She was a good detective and he didn’t want her to have beef with the boss. She wasn’t Nick or Elliot, she was smarter than that...wasn’t she?

* * *

 

Amanda had stepped out for 15 minutes, pacing back and forth with a box of cigarettes clutched in her hands. She had  _ promised  _ Olivia she was quitting, especially with Jesse around now, but damn did a cigarette sound more than tempting right now. She stops when she feels a buzz in her pocket, fully intending to give Carisi, or Fin, or whoever it was a verbal lashing. However the anger melted in confusion at a number she didn’t recognize. Perhaps it was a victim with her card? Maybe Lucy calling from her mother’s house? Hell, maybe it was even Kim, calling to bother her for one arbitrary reason or another. “Detective Rollins speaking.”

“I guess old habits die hard huh? Just like Olivia, how funny.” 

Her blood ran cold and she had to lean on the wall to steady herself as the room began to spin.

“What nothing to say?”

She barely breathes, anxious eyes darting from side to side making sure that no one had noticed her before she quickly turned and headed for a secluded hallway, sucking in a breath before speaking, “Where are you?”

He chuckled, “Where am I? You tell me Amanda, you’re the cop.”

Amanda doesn’t think before her next remark, “Tell me where you are, I will come to you if- If you let Noah go.”

“A trade?” He asked, seemingly surprised, “That’s pretty reckless of you, Noah told me that you have a little girl, what’s her name?” He thinks for a moment, “Jesse! I think that’s what Noah said, but anyway is trading your own life worth that of forcing your daughter to grow up without parents?”

She’s silent; she hadn’t considered that either way one of these kids would end up motherless...

“What would make you think that I would want to trade Noah for you anyway? I mean not that you’re not attractive or anything but you’re way more of hassle than I’m willing to deal with. Not exactly an equal trade anyway, it’s not like I’m going to be raping Noah.” He added dryly, causing a shudder to run straight through Amanda at the horrid and bloody thought, “Not exactly my type. Speaking of types...”

“Who was she?” Amanda blurts out, “That little girl they found on the side of the road with a bullet through the head.” She has to turn her face away from the phone to stifle a sob that had somehow made its way upwards and was currently bobbing back and forth in her throat.

“...That’s right!” He sounds thoroughly pleased as he gives a little chuckle, “I took her wallet, which means y’all are having a hard time identifying her aren’t you?” Her silence serves as his answer, “Little Michelle Thompson, so sweet but so, so dumb. She was just trying to be helpful, some good that did her.”

Amanda takes note of the name, the only sound through the phone her ragged breathing before she asked, “Why’d you kill her?”

“Why? Well gee Amanda, I would think that would be  _ pretty _ obvious. If I let her go then she’d tell and people would know I was in the area-” He didn’t realize that he’d just given Amanda a vital piece of information within that seemingly innocent comment, “Couldn’t keep her either, that’s a lot of extra baggage to try and escape with. And besides, Noah’s a schemer just like his mother. If I did that then he’d be more likely to try and escape and well, he’s already caused me enough trouble.”

“Then leave Noah behind, for Christ’s sake I will purposely lie and send everyone in the opposite direction if you promise to leave Noah and run to Canada.” Amanda tries not to let him hear the pain in her voice, she wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction.

“What the hell gave you the idea that I’d be willing to leave Noah behind? In exchange for what? Personal amnesty from Amanda Rollins? You sound so pathetic, come on.”

“Please...Lewis he’s a little boy, and you? You can’t take care of a kid...”

“What so now you’re questioning my ability to parent? I’m confident that I’ll be a better parent to Noah than you could be. I mean from what I’ve heard you’re kind of a slut, a real nice role model for your daughter to grow up seeing. Besides, with Olivia gone I guess that leaves me don’t it?”

“Then why are you calling? If not to negotiate then why?” Amanda wanted to hang up, to tell him to fuck off and hang up but if there was even a sliver of a chance to get Noah back then...

“If I’m being honest with you I don’t know exactly why myself. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this little game but I’m getting too cocky. Guess I’m just sentimental.” He stops for a moment and changes the subject, “What did you think of her? I mean you must’ve gone to the morgue by now, seen her injuries.”

Then something that had yet to click for Amanda finally clicked: He thought Olivia was dead!

This, she knew she could use to her advantage, “She went down fighting you,” She hissed, “You stabbed her because you knew if you didn’t she would win and that isn’t--”   
  
“ _ I  _ stabbed her?” He bursts into a full blown laugh and Amanda holds the phone slightly away from her ear, not exactly keen on listening to his cackling. When he speaks up again he sounds genuinely amused, “Oh no sweetheart, I’m sure if the coroner is good at his job he’ll be able to tell you that the angle of her stab wound indicates that she stabbed  _ herself. _ ”

Amanda’s breath is taken away because the thought that Olivia was responsible for the near fatal wounds is not one that she had considered before, because of course that couldn’t be right! Olivia would never try to hurt herself, not knowing that something bad could happen to Noah!

“Hello? What nothing to say? The idea that Olivia did this to herself too much for you?”

She brings the phone back up to her ear, “You’re a liar.”

“I’m not, I may have lied about a lot in the past but this? This isn’t a lie.”

She wills herself not to think of it, not daring to even entertain the idea that this was Olivia’s doing, it simply wasn’t true...Was it? “Is Noah okay?”

“What would give you the idea that he wasn’t?”

“The store clerk you scared said you were buying medicine and that--that Noah didn’t look like he was in great shape.”

“Kids get sick all the time don’t they? Nothing a little medicine and rest can’t fix. I may seem heartless to you but I’m not about to let him die, not after I worked so hard to keep him.” Lewis glanced out the window as he was driving, making sure he knew where he was going.

“...Can I talk to him?” It was a longshot but she figured she may as well ask.

“No unfortunately you can’t. You see he isn’t actually here with me right now.”

“What!?” Amanda forgot for a second that she was trying to be quiet, her voice raising in volume, “What do you mean? Where is he?!”

“I figured I’d let him sleep, I had to uh...run a couple errands just to make sure I’m keeping you guys on your toes.” Lewis listens to the sounds of her ragged breathing on the phone, enjoying the palpable sense of panic that he could hear and hell, he could feel, “Listen this has been fun but I’ve gotta go, get back to the kid and all, y’know. Besides I’m sure you’ve got a job to do right? Tryna find me right? ” He lingers a few seconds longer, “Bye Amanda, I’ll miss you, I’m sure Noah will too.”

“No, Lewis--Wait!” But it’s too late because he’s hung up and tossed the phone carelessly out of the window.

The only way that Amanda knows how to describe the sensation is like the air has been sucked out of her body. She can’t catch her breath, no matter how hard she struggles, in fact it feels Lewis has slammed the door to Olivia and Noah’s coffin shut in front of her and no matter how hard she tries she can’t reach them in time. She wants to scream, she wants to cry but instead she stares down at her phone with a mixture of horror and despair before she takes off to Olivia’s room.

“Amanda?!” Barba jumps when the door is flung open and he sees a ragged and out of breath Rollins, charging forward to yank up the doctor’s notes and flipping frantically. For once he wished Fin and Carisi were there to witness this too because he’s unsure of how to proceed, “Amanda?” But she’s not even noticed him, she’s so focused it’s terrifying.

And there it is, in black and white the print that Amanda thought she wouldn’t have to read because it wasn’t supposed to be this way:

_ Patient’s stomach wound was caused by a knife, going 7 inches into the abdomen. Patient likely pulled it out without realizing that it would accelerate bleeding. Angle of the wound indicates that it was self-inflicted-- _

Amanda sucks in a breathe sharply, shaking her head as tears stung her eyes and she tossed the paper carelessly to the ground, turning to Olivia with a wounded expression, “Liv…” Her voice crackles, “Liv what did you do…”

“Hey...Rollins what’s wrong?” Barba approaches her tentatively, lighting putting a hand on her shoulder, again startled when she reared around, ocean blue eyes boring into him.

She looked so  _ lost. _

“Liv, she...she,” Rollins hiccuped slightly, a hand coming to her mouth and shaking her head before whispering, as if afraid some mysterious force would hear, “She stabbed herself…”

“...What?” Now Rafael found himself whispering too, looking from side to side just to be sure they were the only two people in the room.

“She...I…” Amanda sniffled, burying her face into her hands, “Why is this happening...Why is all this happening? It isn’t fair!”

Barba sat her down, “Woah, woah, woah. Rollins, start from the beginning...It’s just us and...no one else has to know.” It’s an ugly thought, a down right  _ illegal  _  thought for him to be having but what else does he have to offer her?

“Lewis called me,” She saw Rafael’s face turn an awful ashen gray, as if he were about to be sick, “He gave me her name, the vic, Michelle Thompson,” she repeats so she doesn’t forget it, “and then he asked about Liv, he still thinks she’s dead and he...he said she stabbed herself.” She feels like her lungs are about to give out on her and honestly a part of wished that they would, “And now these notes, they, she--” 

“There’s got to be a reasonable explanation for this Rollins, and when she wakes up I’m more than sure that we’ll get that reason.”

“You actually believe she’s going to talk to us!? We don’t have Noah! Lewis is out there doing God knows what to God knows who! And you think she’ll actually talk to us?” She shook her head, “You were right...Carisi and I should have moved faster, maybe we could have avoided this…”

“Hey, no,” Barba swallowed his pride for once, guilt creating a large lump in his throat as he recalled his words from earlier, “I didn’t mean that. You guys did your best.”

Amanda shook her head, brushing him away from her, “Not good enough…” She mumbled standing at the foot of Liv’s bed and staring at her, shaking her head, “Olivia…what happened…” She whispers softly. Her friend is alive, against all odds, but...at what cost?

 

**10:52AM**

“Hey buddy, sorry it took me so long I had to pick up a few things!” Lewis throws the door open so fast that Noah nearly falls out of bed he’s so surprised, “How’re you feeling?”

Some of the redness had faded from his cheeks and his color seemed a lot more healthy than it had before but his eyes were...well the only way he knew how to describe them was empty, hollow. “Something the matter?”

“...” Noah mumbles so softly Lewis doesn’t even think he’s saying words, rubbing at teary eyes.

“You mind speaking up, pipsqueak, I’m a little hard of hearing.” He tried not to get irritated, setting breakfast down beside Noah.

“I miss mommy…” He whimpered, and then to Lewis’s absolute horror, the tears started.

_ Shit.  _ Out of all the things Lewis felt he could handle, this? This was not one of them. “Ah jesus kid...look…” He sighed, sitting down next to Noah, “Look at me Noah, okay? You don’t  _ need  _ a mother to grow up normal if that’s what you’re scared of, I didn’t have my mom growing up and I turned out just fine!” Okay maybe that last part depended upon who you asked but he thought he turned out pretty great given his circumstances.

Noah stared at him for a moment, sniffling and wiping at his face before asking softly, “What happened to your mommy?”

And now Lewis regretted not telling the the kid to just shut up and eat. He avoided eye contact, glancing around the room for a moment before patting Noah on the head, “I’ll tell you later, go ahead and eat right now though, okay?”

The boy didn’t need to be told twice, pulling out pancakes and starting to chow down. He found himself thankful the kid wasn’t pressing the subject.

“Woah, woah, slow down there champ.” Lewis chuckled, handing him a cup, “Orange juice, not milk.” He rolled his eyes playfully as the boy seemed a little less than pleased with the drink, “I take it from the way you’re stuffing your face that you feel better?”

Noah stopped between bites, and shrugged, mumbling between a mouthful, “Sorta,” However he still shrunk back slightly when a hand was pressed to his forehead.

“You’re still warm but it feels like your fever’s gone down.” And he couldn’t help but thank whatever higher power had brought about that miracle because he hadn’t been sure the boy would make it through the night, “And so long as the fever stays down we’ll be getting back on the road first thing tomorrow morning! Isn’t that great?”

The fork faltered, pancake bite sitting stagnant in the air as Noah processed what Lewis had just said and suddenly he wasn’t so hungry anymore, taking the mouthful and chewing slowly this time, “Yeah,” He gives a nervous laugh, going quiet again before asking softly, “Where…?” fearing how Lewis would react to the question.

Surprisingly he divulged to the kid, figuring it was no use keeping it a secret from him, “Probably New Hampshire for a couple weeks, wait for things to die down a little bit, then to Canada...You ever been out of the country before?”

Noah took a moment to think about it before nodding, “Tucker took mommy and me to Paris when I was littler.” He didn’t remember a huge portion of the trip but he remembered how much fun it had been, how much he liked Tucker...and then he remembered how slowly but surely Tucker disappeared from his life, a fact he hadn’t really thought of until now.

That nasty little bug of jealousy took a bite out of Lewis, his distaste suddenly apparent on his face, “Tucker…?” He didn’t recognize that name and he didn’t want to, the idea of someone else being with Olivia,  _ his _ Olivia! It made his blood simmer to think about but hey, he didn’t see any signs of this Tucker in that apartment! Must mean that he wasn’t that special after all…

“He was nice. I haven’t seen him in a long time…” Noah adds before stuffing in another bite.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure in a few years you won’t remember him anyway…” He grumbles, snatching a sandwich out of the bag, “I’m not going to tell you to slow down again Noah, if you throw up because you ate too fast I’m not cleaning it up.”

 

**5:40PM**

“Hey.”

“Hey Amanda...how are you?” 

“Gee Carisi, I don’t know, how do you think I’m feeling? Considering the captain’s benched me.” Amanda didn’t have to turn and look to know Sonny was cringing, “How’d you do with that name?”

He was quiet for a moment, “Confirmed. Michelle Thompson was 20, she had just left her babysitting job. His tires were slashed, he lured her in that way...She was raped, he shot her point black in the head. M.E. said she was dead before she hit the ground.” He sighed, “You gonna tell me where you pulled that name from?”

“Nope.”

He wasn’t going to push the matter to her, “We notified her parents already and we know what kind of car she had but...we don’t have anymore leads.”

Amanda barely nodded, turning restlessly in her chair, “Surprise, surprise. He’s been 5 steps ahead us this whole time. What uh...what kind of car was that?” She asks ever so innocently.

“SUV, silver. 2012 Nissan Pathfinder. Plate number QJS5842, why?”

She shook her head, “No reason. He’s probably changed the plates or dumped the car by now…Where’s Fin?”

“He went back to the local precinct to report to Dodds. His uh...press conference is coming up, it’ll be on the 6 o’clock news.” Sonny takes a seat beside her, “Barba went to get coffee?” She nods again and Carisi runs out of things to say.

Horrible timing it would seem, considering the sudden and loud beep from the heart monitor as it spikes momentarily, before Olivia stirs, eyes fluttering open, foggy at first. “Hnn…?” She tries to talk, looking shockingly alert, turning her head  to look at Amanda and Carisi, and then to the horror of the two detectives, tears fill Olivia’s eyes and she can do nothing but offer a soft whimper, before whispering, “Ow…”

“L-liv!” Amanda’s at her side in an instant, taking one of her hands carefully into her own, “It’s alright Liv, just try not to move too much, do you need something for the pain?” She glances to her side as Carisi stands to go get the doctor when Olivia shakes her head and their stomachs drop.

She takes a moment, eyes closed, taking a couple deep breaths and her heart rate seems to drop to normal again, before she opens then again, slowly because the room seems to be spinning, “Where’s Noah…” She asks softly, calmly.

Carisi wishes he could die on the spot because Amanda turns to him with a pleading look on her face. They’re trapped.

“Where’s Noah?” Olivia repeats, more urgency in her raspy voice, “Where’s my son?”

“Olivia…” Carisi offers her a look of apology, an explanation dying on his lips.

She shakes her head, “ _ No _ …” She whispers, and then the heart monitors go  _ nuts _ , “No…!”

And suddenly, like a whirlwind, there are nurses and doctors everywhere.

 

**5:52PM**

“I’m bored.”

“I  _ know,  _ I heard you the last 5 times and what did I tell you? I told you to watch the damn TV and not to bother me!”

“There’s nothing to watch.”

“Jesus Christ-  _ Noah! _ I can’t get anything done with you bothering me!” Lewis turns around to glare at Noah, only to find the child wasn’t shrinking backwards like he’d hoped.

“I’m bored!” He repeats, now that he has the full attention he’d been wanting, “You’re not doing anything!”

“First off, just because you don’t  _ understand  _ what I’m doing doesn’t mean that I’m not doing anything and second off, what could you possibly want from me? Hm?” And as if to feed into his irritation Noah is quiet for a moment before he shrugs, rolling his eyes he pulls the map off the table and holds it out for Noah to see, “This Noah, is a good old-fashioned map and I’m trying to figure out how to get us to New Hampshire.”

“Mommy uses her phone for directions.”

“Well, when I was your age, we didn’t have fancy phones that could tell us where to go.” Lewis parrots back in the same tone Noah used. He sets the map aside for now, observing the boy in silence for a moment, “Noah, do you know what death is?” He knew it was a longshot for him to understand and even if he did know what death was he knew that a child really couldn’t comprehend the real meaning, the  _ finality. _

Noah was quiet for a moment, “Like what happened to Uncle Mike? Mommy said it’s when you go to sleep but you don’t wake up again, you to heaven.”

Lewis suppressed a chuckle, so innocent was a child’s understanding of a subject that adults feared.

“Why?” He asked.

“Because I know you’re a big boy and I want you to understand what I have to say. Your mommy? She’s dead.” It was cruel, and even if Noah couldn’t fully understand the concept he would know his mother was  **gone** . He wasn’t going to let the boy live with the false hope he would ever see his mother again.

Better to spare Noah the pain of hoping than to let him hold onto the idea of his mother his whole life.

He was quiet for a moment, thinking about what Lewis said before he blurted out, “I don’t believe you!” The boy crossed his arms and shook his head, “You’re lying!”

But the expression written on his face gave him away.

“I wouldn’t lie to you Noah. Mommy is gone now and all we have is each other, so we have to stick together okay?” He leaned forward to put a hand on his shoulder, ignoring as the boy yanked away, scrambling backwards and against the rickety headboard, “Your mommy is dead.”

The silence that settled over them was tense, and Lewis suddenly wasn’t having as much fun anymore, “I’m going to shower, you can sit here and watch cartoons alright buddy?” Setting the remote down he pulled the child over, pressing a rough kiss to his forehead before getting up, noting how despondent the boy looked. Perhaps he’d be better in the morning? He wasn’t entire sure, this kid thing was all new to him. Eventually he’d be better, he was sure of it.

Once Lewis left the room Noah sat there for a few moments, staring into space, trying to connect those words together, to get them to actually mean something to him. A couple deep breaths later and a soft strangled whimper broke the silence of the room. It just couldn’t be true! His mommy wasn’t dead, she couldn’t be! No, he just...he wouldn’t believe him! Tiny hands snatched up the remote as he flipped through channels, trying to push away that awful thought, and then he stopped on the news channel, eyes widening. He knew that face! That was Mr. Dodds, Mike’s dad! He was mommy’s friend! What was he doing on the TV screen? Noah turned up the volume out of curiosity and started to listen.

* * *

 

“Fuck…!” Lewis hissed, fists balling up while he resisted the urge to punch something. The water hitting the gash on his back burned and while he’d done his best to ignore it, it hurt more than he cared to admit. Olivia may have been dead but she’d managed to get a last kick in, something he would regret forever. Another scar, courtesy of Olivia fucking Benson. Once the initial burst of pain ebbed away he finally found himself able to relax, just a little bit under the warm water. Good, this would help clear his head...

However he hadn’t even been in the shower five minutes when the door burst open, nearly causing him to slip, “What, what?!” He peeked his head out from behind the curtain to see Noah standing there, pointing an accusing finger at him.

“Liar! I knew it, I knew mommy couldn’t be dead! You lied to me!”

  
“Noah what’re you talking about now?” He rolled his eyes.

“The TV’s talking about momma, they said she’s okay!”

Now  _ this _ Lewis had to see to believe, stepped out and wrapping a towel around his waist he walked into the room, “Turn up the TV.” He glanced at Noah who had scrambled back into the bed.

_ “Chief Dodds, Chief Dodds! Is there any update on the situation, any new leads?” _

_ “We are currently following any lead that comes our way and while we have yet to secure Mr. Lewis, I am relieved to say that Lieutenant Olivia Benson is awake and expected to make a full recovery.” _

The TV cut from the press conference back to the newsroom itself where two anchors sat, behind them, a  _ lovely  _ photo of Lewis in his mugshot.

_ “Well, you heard it here first folks, the daunting search for kidnapped NYPD Lieutenant and her son isn’t over. Lieutenant Olivia Benson of the Manhattan Special Victims Unit was found with extensive injuries in a cabin in Phoenicia where she was rushed to Kingston Hospital. NYPD Chief William Dodds stated in a press conference that she is expected to survive her injuries and hopefully make a full recovery. This is not the end for the case however, as escaped convict William Lewis remains at large and right now it is believed he still has her son, Noah Porter-Benson with him. If you have an information about the whereabouts of either of these individuals, call the tip line at-” _

Lewis zoned out after that, giving a strained chuckle, “Huh,  _ Son of a bitch _ , the inimitable Olivia Benson lives.” He shakes his head, ignoring the slight feeling of panic that bubbled up in his stomach, “Guess you were right kid! Your mom’s still hanging on.”

“She’s gonna come find me.” Noah turned his head to look up at Lewis.

For a moment it unnerved him and he couldn’t help but think of every kid from a scary movie, “Hey, hey!” He snapped his fingers in front of Noah’s face, “Don’t go all children of the corn on me now…” He mumbled, “Come on, why don’t you watch some cartoons, huh? We’ll figure out our next move in the morning.” 

Anger seethed within him. Anger at this whole fucking situation-- it wasn’t fair! Noah was right; Olivia and her team  **would** hunt him to the ends of the earth if she thought there was still a chance to get her son back.

The time for running was over, and now, he either stood his ground or he fell. 

And William Lewis did not fall.


End file.
